Desire to Perdition

By C. G. Sreedevan

The story of a middle class teenager and his journey to adulthood, his experiences of love, friendship, sex, his career and his endeavor to seek the true meaning of life. A social and psychical insight of the life of an Indian youth in the twilight of the 21st century. It is not just a teenage love story but the story of how love becomes your shadow throughout your life until your last breath. Sijill John has a story to tell. Born in a small town of Himachal to a couple from Kerala, he begins his tale from getting enrolled in his favorite school. The place which gave him memories of a lifetime with a girl who became his biggest source of inspiration in the later part of his life. But, before reuniting with her he was caught in this materialistic world cornered with never ending desires. Did he succeed despite obstacles? What compromises he makes? Why does his one desire prove fatal for all other desires? And why he damns them for eternity? Can an average youth like him remain alien to the political or communal unrest in the country? Is love just the result of a chemical reaction in brain or a lifetime source of enlightenment? Does it have the power to kill violence and hatred among us? Sometimes the biggest setback can be the brightest hope!

• Language: English
• Publisher: C. G. Sreedevan
• Release date: May 26, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310763953

C. G. Sreedevan

The author is a Retail employee working as a Visual Merchandiser for a lifestyle brand. He was born in Chandigarh and brought up in a town of Himachal Pradesh with parents hailing from Kerala- a state in Southern India. A young writer interested in writing about issues affecting the youth, his first book 'Desire to Perdition' is a fictional account of events he visualized. A strong believer in 'Novus Ordo Seclorum', he believes in a world free from religion, caste, color and other factors which divide humans. For his articles you can visit his personal blog www.cgsreedevan.blogspot.com

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Acknowledgements

You never thank your parents you just want to love them more and that is the relation I share with my mother and father no matter how many times they scolded me or the generation gap or my petty desires which they could not fulfil yet they gave me the path to a good future with educating me in the best possible way that they could and saying a mere thanks would be too short to explain this greatest gift that they endowed me with. Love you mom and dad!

I would also like to thank all my teachers some of whom were instrumental in making my ideas and thoughts flourish thereby increasing the power of expressing myself which I believe is very important for the youth of every country in this world.

I would like to thank all my school, college and work friends and would like to personally thank my friend Deepak Kumar who was the first one to review my book. I would also like to thank all my Manipuri friends especially Nipin and Sumo and brother A. Wangkhem for giving me useful insights into their culture.

Finally I would like to thank the publishers for helping me accomplish the tedious task of shaping my work to reality.

Dedicated to my friends Mandy and Marc...

Preface

Another day at school. The weather was nice, cold and not too much sunny just like I had always wanted it to be. The basketball court was alive. Rebounds taken, shoots missed, points lost, another chance, a two pointer shoot, Nick’s rhythmic stepping, a basket won and another shoot this time by me and another basket, another miss and on and on till our lungs gave up with our heartbeats running like a jag and our bodies covered with sweat or rather drenched in it.

I retired on the bench and as my eyelids were about to cover my eyeballs, I saw Bave waving at me. I stood up and went towards her. She and Cam were standing on the stage at the mid-end of the school playground.

Hey, where have you been all this time? I said to Bave with my eyes pointing towards Cam.

Cam will tell, she wants to talk to you, she said with a small smile and little glow in her eyes.

I looked at Cam and went towards her. She was standing some feet away with her back towards me.

‘Hi Siji!’ she turned around and greeted me as she used to do every time we met but this time I could make out that her voice was not energetic like it used to be.

‘Hi Cam!’ kaisi hai? (How are you?). These two Hindi words were the most heartfelt words I ever spoke to anyone.

‘Theek hun’ (I am fine).

For a moment we looked at each other. Then, without wasting much time I said,

‘Congratulations! Cam’

‘You knew it?’ she asked

‘Yeah, Bave had told me everything’

‘Aren’t you feeling bad’ she queried again

‘Not at all (I said with a heavy heart)’.’I suppose we were destined to be just good friends’

‘Yes! We had always been very good friends’ she repeated what I said

‘I want to tell you Cam that how special your friendship had been to me’

‘Yes Siji, I know that’

‘Tum hamesha meri sabse achchi dost rahogi’ (you will always be my best friend), I said

‘Well, I must go now .The period is over. It is time for my science class. Bye!’ I said to her and headed towards the classrooms. 

Next, I don’t remember from where and when she appeared and caught hold of my arm, pulling me and taking me towards that empty gallery of the school corridor.

I was nervous.

She was full of energy. Her face shone. Eyes bright. Her white cheeks whiter. Her lips rosier. A fairy was standing next to me.

‘Bata de Siji, jo tu mujse kehna chahta tha’ (tell me what you wanted to say)

‘Cam! I...’

‘Kisse baat kar rahi hai?’(To whom are you talking to?) A hoarse voice beamed out of the window which was pushed open.

‘Oh! God! It is her father‘. I distanced myself away from her.

‘Nothing daddy, he is just trying to explain the contents of this book to me’ she said to her father.

‘Smart girl’ I said to myself. She had made good use of the book she was carrying with her.

Hence, somehow she succeeded in convincing her father and within minutes he went away.

‘Be fast, I am waiting for you outside. You know its time for us to go. The whole family is waiting for you so don’t be late’, saying that her father left.

I was relieved so again I went closer to her.

‘Come on Siji! Tell me!’ she said again.

‘Okay that’s it, I want to say that I love you Cam. I will keep on loving you till my last breath. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I mean it’.

‘Thanks a lot, Siji. I always wanted to hear this from you. I must go now. It is time.’

She gave a satisfying smile and moved away while I stood there watching her go while her image grew fainter and she slowly disappeared from my sight...

I came back to my senses after a few moments.

I ran to get her. I searched for her in every nook and corner of the school building. Nowhere could I find her. Even I saw no teachers, no students; no one except me was there.

All of a sudden, the keys were inserted in the locks, doors banged, windows shut. The sound of someone rushing outside and another door closed maybe the last one. I am still on the first floor. I am stuck inside. I have no ideas. 

It seemed there was a celebration just outside the school compound, a huge gathering. I rushed to the windows and tried to see through the window panes.

I was stunned by what I saw. It was her marriage procession. She was being escorted by her to be in –laws and she was going away...

Cam.... I cried out loud.

But, she would not listen!

I cried again and again and again...

And she went farther and farther and farther eventually vanishing from my eyesight...and then...

Tttttrrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn..............ttttrrrrrriiiiinnnnn......!

The morning alarm bell rang. I was awake but I felt I had just been dead. My pillow was wet. Still there were tear drops on my face. The pain was unbearable. Whole of the day I couldn’t see anything except her. And I was doing all that I shouldn’t do. I went for breakfast without locking my room. I paid a hefty sum for a meagre breakfast and forgot to collect the change. Worse, I even had a close shave with a speeding car.

And everything else too was going wrong.

I didn’t realise but could feel it. My life was going miserable and I was losing it. 

PART1: LOVE AND FRIENDS

She was not the first girl who knocked at my heart’s doors but she was certainly the one who had obtained a lifetime access to it for she was the best girl to ever come in my life. No! Almost no girl could match her. As my search for her continued this realisation only grew stronger. And sometimes it made me depressed. Is my homeland devoid of girls like her?

She was a perfect example of an angel sent from above. So positive was her outlook towards life that she filled the surroundings with the fragrance of her flowery smile. When she smiled the curl of her lips would resemble a rose blooming out of its bud. So beautiful was my rose that all other roses seemed fake.

Yes, she was my rose. I used to call her Cam while she called me Siji. Her real name wasn’t important to me not that I didn’t like it but because I felt that her name symbolized her recognition to the outside world whereas the name with which I called her was for me, for my world.

I always believed a person can have many names but mainly they were of two kinds- one which your parents give you and the other which your life gives you and for the society it can be either good or bad which ultimately depends on how you lead it.

Many great persons changed their names and redeemed themselves for a new beginning. Some of them were my idols whom I always admired.

Bruce Lee

Mohammad Ali

Mother Teresa

And then...

I had changed her name.

And nothing could have made me happier as she simply adored me calling her by that name.

And for her my nickname, ‘Siji’ was the cutest name in the world of names and every time she called me, she would spell it very distinctly as if she was a musician practising a raga.

Seeeeee jjjeeeeee........

And sometimes it was so elongated that it would seem to create an echo in all those ears which were prey to it and to which I never survived.

Neither I wanted to because it was the best music ever played to me and the best way my name was ever spelt.

Yes, I liked the way she called me.

I liked her rosy lips

I liked her fairy like face

But, most importantly I loved to be with her. Whenever I met her, I went weak but deep inside me I knew she was my greatest strength.

Throughout our courtship days we behaved like best friends. She knew how important she was to me and I was rather more relieved by the fact that she was not close to any guy other than me. There were no questions regarding her commitment towards me. I knew how tough it is in my country plagued by ever declining sex ratio to find a girl who is not hooked or booked and is also both charming, pure hearted and above all, compatible too!

I was the luckiest guy in India at least in those times. Ever since she came in my life, my life underwent a sea change. My confidence grew; my pleasures increased and grew along with everything that made me a better person.

I was now a better person because I had her. I had someone who was the light of my life. Wherever I went, she was with me. When I laughed, she too laughed, I cried, she cried and whenever I was hurt, she too would feel the pain.

I could see her everywhere.

My parents, peers, well wishers and even those who found me incompatible, all those who were near to me and sometimes even strangers were amazed at this transformation.

A candle had been lit in an empty dark room

Those days I smiled a lot

I smiled when I was happy

I smiled when I was sad

I smiled when I was hurt

I smiled when I was struggling

And I smiled even when there was no reason to smile...

They thought I had attained Nirvana. But most importantly it was my new approach towards life which gave me content. There was sheer optimism attached to my life. Not at all knowing that my haunted past was again readying itself to unleash its evil reign over me.

Not all guys spanning my age have had a bad past but mine was dreadful. Not that I want to be called a pessimist or a paranoid but sometimes some things happen which take your life from bad to worse and in such daunting situations one cannot negotiate between optimism and pessimism. It seems we have been lost in a completely different world. All our efforts to return back turn futile.

One wonders why is it that no matter how much pain love inflicts on our mind, body and sometimes even soul; we still crave for it, we still want it to happen. The winking of eyes, holding hands, caressing each other’s face, holding breaths, biting lips and then gradually two minds, two bodies and two souls become one and inseparable and everything seems like a cherished dream throughout this never ending night which shines with the lustre of two bright stars madly in love with each other.

I never had any reason for loving someone. Love just happens to me anywhere and anytime. I loved all the girls I ever knew. That might be the reason girls easily confided in me. Each time I had a friendship there was love too definitely from my side. But, that didn’t turn every relation into love. Some didn’t go well, some broken by distances and some because of my insensitiveness. Many girls came in and went away from my life. I remember almost all of them and I just couldn’t forget the ones who left a deep impact on my life.

Among them was a girl who almost took my life to a halt. It was both worst and longest association I had with a girl. Again, at least it was in those days of my school life.

The very first day I saw her, I could never have imagined in my bizarre dreams of what lay ahead. Seated left to the girl behind me, I didn’t find her beautiful but certainly a girl of beaming personality. Anyone could judge from the very first glance that she was an intelligent girl. She was perfect from top to bottom.

But, neither had I known nor she had any idea of how things would shape up in future. We slowly became very good friends but we never knew that in future we would even hate looking at each other. Till date I don’t know what she felt or else feels for me. Whatever it may be, I still endear those moments and I have no regrets for what I did because she was just a phase of my life which had long been washed away by the tides of time.

The beginning

The Elton English School was a place where students were not just students but were a part of a large family called The Eltonites. The atmosphere here was completely modern. You could call it the next generation institution. Situated near the borders of the state of Himachal, it was a 1.5 km drive from the Kalka-Shimla National Highway. The road link was bad routing through the hills and its narrow curves made travelling look dangerous. But, only when you reach the destination you would realise the elegance of what stood in front of you that could make you forget all the hardships you faced to reach there.

Built by an Englishman who after the death of his wife became so detached from the outside world that he gave away all his wealth to a missionary which then constructed this school and named it after him. Based on hearsay and what the senior students told me I only knew further that he had no children but nobody knew where he went. It is also believed that her wife’s body lay somewhere beneath the school building. Sounds spooky, anyways I continue with the story that some said he went to Rishikesh got converted to Hinduism and lived the life of a yogi. Others say he returned to his native land. Some even say that he might have killed himself but there is no concrete evidence to support this claim. Whatever the man was made out to be one thing was certain that the love he had for his wife prevailed in the hearts of students who studied here.

Among these students there was one who garnered a lot of love in this institution. That student was me, Sijill John. You can make out that I am a Christian but that is primarily because my parents hail from Kerala- an Indian state where lot of Christianity is followed. Though, not a devout Christian, many do think I am because of my odd habit of calling my friends by English names. Sounds strange but I never knew at what part of my childhood it got so much over me that I slowly I became obsessed with it.

I did face opposition sometimes but mostly I didn’t because I usually had very understanding friends many of whom did support my way of calling them. Among such friends was Kenny- the girl who made me crazy. She was one of the girls who caught my attention on the very first day of my joining at Elton. Though our friendship took time to ripen but slowly it did and gave me some of the most remember able moments of my life.

Those moments are passé but life after her was to my amazement even vaguer than what I had presumed to be. All my further relations with girls were in some or the other way linked to my experience with her.

––––––––

THE CANCERIAN DOGMA- the sun sign I dreaded the most ever since she turned me down. That was in the year 2004. Those were the days when i had huge belief in cosmic powers and the subsequent effect of zodiac in our lives. Gradually as my life progressed and by the time I was pursuing my graduation in college I had completely gotten over my faith in astrology. It all happened in a day while coming across an article in the morning tribunal which claimed that Astrology had no scientific reasoning and the effect of stars and stellar abodes on us are too minimal to have any critical impact on our lives. The article proved to be an eye opener never knowing that in future it would make my eyes open far too wide.

Around three years later I paid the price, this time because of my ‘lost faith’ in signs. I just didn’t care about the sun sign of that girl who went on to become the one with the most hatred which she literally ‘swore’ on me.

Not just me! Sometimes I wondered there being many who hated her as much as I did. However I am not sure whether I actually disliked her or not because i could never make out or understand the relation I had with her. Each time I tried to get rid of her something held me back and once when I finally did manage it, somehow destiny brought everything back to where it was. Most of the memories I shared with her were not good and some were worse but still she had gradually engulfed my mind.

Ever since I came to know that she too was a Cancerian just like Kenny, I became overcautious. But for friendly guys like me turning off a girl never seemed a good idea. So, I finally succumbed to her. That was just a start of my rollercoaster ride which soon would be full of jerks- much more than what i experienced on my last Cancerian trip.

Well, the fate of my relationship with both Cancerian girls was to a large extent both strikingly and surprisingly similar despite them having different individualities. Their general habits, way of talk, body language and overall approach towards life were contradicting though not unusual of two persons from entirely different backgrounds. Even my feelings for them after all those outcomes stands divided. While I still admire Kenny and would love to be at least a good friend of hers if destined again but at the same time I would never want to have any sort of interaction with the other one.

I am not sure whether I have any real chance of reuniting with any of these girls especially in the case of Kenny for she carried with her the weightage of attitude with no flexibility for love or close relations and I don’t think she would ever shed her extra baggage in her short span of youth. That didn’t mean she had no friendships with boys and it was just that anything else was a big ‘no’ for her. Most boys were aware of this and never dared any intimacy from their part. Nor she had any special physical attributes to make any boy go gaga over her so everything seemed balanced until I eventually fell for her or quite literally ‘fell on her’!

Bobbed hairs kept short till neckline, well combed oiled and straightened, pitch black in color which sometimes glistened. Face thin but long, nose short, almond eyes, narrow brow line and a small mouth with thin lips. She had a dusky complexion another reason why most boys (obviously my classmates) never considered her beautiful because of a general perception of north Indian males to consider fairness as a symbol of beauty. But, frankly speaking I never paid attention to such narrow minded concept.

There was certainly one thing that me and some other boys paid attention to and that was her figure. She had a gorgeous body, chiselled meaning neither too large nor too thin. Good height, breasts well placed, tummy in, back nicely curved towards hips and legs long and properly waxed. The reason we couldn’t resist gazing at her legs when she sat cross legged. Luckily for us the benches in our school had very little wooden part in them forming just two slabs each for writing and resting with the remaining part being just thin frame of steel. So, one could see through a seated person’s complete body posture.

The day I first saw the school I was to be enrolled in, I was speechless for a moment and then I just said ‘wow! If this is where I would be studying from now on then I will despise even heavens for sure! I had moved in to tenth standard and the first academic day of the school was even better. The boys were friendly and the girls were friendlier. All this seemed heaven to me because I had never before studied in such a cohesive environ. I had no good memories of my ex-school but I now felt that there wasn’t any need to remember it anymore.

That was also the first day when I saw Kenny- the girl who was soon to play a part in my fragile but ever changing love life.

Though she did catch my attention but I should also be fair to other girls who were worth mentioning. And how could I forget the girl who gave me a compliment on the very first day!

I had reached the school early and just like any fresher, I too was forced by my curiosity to check out every corner of the school or as I would like to put it as the happening school! I was just walking down the stairs leading to the school playground just when I heard a female voice pleading,

‘Excuse me!’

As I looked up I was amused to see two girls waving at me. They seemed to be the seniors and my supposition was proved right