Being ME!!!

By Rajni Singh

Sometimes, life puts us on crossroads. One has to stop and make a choice; either walk the path that everyone says is proven and correct, or choose that which the heart is so compelled to move towards. The terrain seems rocky and reaching the final destination is unsure.

Thirty-five year old Amy faced a similar circumstance when her marriage hit a rough patch. She chose to be conventional and tread the very path she had learnt ever since childhood. But destiny had a different plan for her. She couldn t run away from the voice within and eventually set foot on a journey she knew nothing about.

With only an inner voice to hang on to, this brave girl moved forward, witnessing bizarre coincidences that unfolded in perfect divine timing, and transforming her life like a closed bud flowering into full bloom!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Notion Press
• Release date: Jun 15, 2015
• ISBN: 9789352060740

Book preview

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1

The Beautiful Yellow Dress

It was five thirty in the evening. Amy had just reached home from office. Today she came about half an hour early. Since her boss was touring, she felt it was a good opportunity to sneak out so she gave some excuse and pushed off early. Amy reached home and opened the lock. She entered her living room and threw her bag on the couch. She went to the kitchen to help herself with a glass of water. While sitting on her three-seater coke brown sofa, she sipped water and looked around.

Same old boring life… She sighed.

Amy’s seven year old son Aryaman had gone for his tuition and her husband Piyush was never back from office any time before nine-thirty every day. She was tired of her monotonous routine.

Come back home from a job that sucks; get Aryaman to finish his homework; prepare food and then wait endlessly for Piyush to return…could life ever be anything beyond this perfectly set routine? she wondered.

Amy closed her eyes and dropped her head on the sofa. She wanted to do something different. Fortunately, there was some extra time too.

Amy thought, Let me have some fun today.

The easiest way she had known to spice up her life was go visit the nearest mall and spend a good amount of money on some fancy stuff. Amy was very fond of trendy clothes.

Let me find something really unusual and make my day… Amy’s face lit up with the idea. She hurriedly picked up her favorite chocolate brown bag and took the car keys from the key stand. Amy was used to taking such trips once in two to three months when the monotony of her life really weighed her down. That’s another thing that the guilt of overspending wouldn’t go at least for the next two months. She would promise herself to be an ideal wife and save money just as she had seen her mum do. It wasn’t that Piyush had any shortage of resources. In fact he earned awesome for his age, Amy too had her job and so was self-sufficient but the learning that she carried as a kid from a middle class family background always stopped her from being extravagant. Her ever alert brain would tell her Stop! Save for the rainy day.

Besides, all good girls are home makers and should save and not waste she felt. So she would go shop and enjoy the feeling. Then feel guilty for the next many days. Slowly the guilt would dissipate and she would begin to feel the void again. Amy had no clue how to fill the gaps in her life. She would reach out and shop again. Getting bored doing the same things and then spending money in malls had become a pattern of sorts in her life.

I’ll be back before Aryaman returns from his tuition classes.

Poor fellow, I don’t want him sitting on the staircase waiting for mommy dear after a full day’s work. How frustrating could that be, she thought.

Before leaving home, Amy decided to give herself one last look in the mirror. No matter what the urgency, this was a ritual she never missed. Bye beautiful, She chuckled and moved on.

Amy was surely beautiful. She didn’t need oodles of makeup to make heads turn. Her charm was enough. Fair complexioned, she had an amazing pair of eyes. Her hair was long and she was well built. Neither fat, nor too thin, just the right body weight. Although thirty five, Amy hardly looked her age. A reasonable guess would be of her being in her mid-twenties.

After a brief fifteen minute drive, Amy was at the mall. She landed herself straight at the mall parking and rushed to her favorite store. Aimlessly drifting from one end to the other, Amy’s eyes were searching for that perfect garment that would make her feel happy. Nothing seemed unique enough to be just grabbed. Disappointed, she decided to give up the hunt and leave.

Just then, her eyes caught the glimpse of a bright peppy yellow Lycra dress.

Oh my god!! Just look at this she thought .

So pretty, I am sure this is worth spending a fortune on.

Amy was excited. She removed the dress from the hanger and went to the try room. Perfect size, perfect fit, as if stitched to order. Amy felt she looked beautiful. She decided to get the dress billed. Just then she thought about her husband. She closed her eyes and imagined wearing the dress, standing in front of him.

How do I look Piyush? Amy smiled, as if waiting for an affectionate look and approval from the man she loved the most.

The much engrossed Piyush, looked up ditching his larger than life cell phone and said,

Well… You look Ok, a bit fat around the hips though; and do you really feel yellow is a great color for your age sweetheart? Why don’t you try some pastel shades. They’ll probably do your complexion a lot good. Having said this, the handsome and slightly arrogant Piyush Khanna returned to his world staring the screen checking sms and mails in his hi-tech mobile phone.

Amy’s excitement vaporized in seconds. She again looked at the mirror and thought, actually, he’s right, I do look fat around the hips , and the color isn’t great either. Imagine if I wore it in front of mum or Sandy, I would be a laughing stock".

And look at the way it is overpriced, these guys sure make a kill out of crazy women eager to throw money at the very sight of any lopsided object

After a bit of deliberation, Amy eventually succeeded in convincing herself to give up on the dress. She left it in the trying room without caring enough to put it back on the stands. Oh the sales girl would do it, after all what is she being paid for if she can’t even do so much.

Amy hopped back in her car and quickly pulled out of the driveway. Her mind was racing faster than her wheels. She wanted to reach before Aryaman returned from his classes.

He must be really hungry.

I’ll quickly reach and prepare some snacks before he comes back

Amy cooked well but not out of choice. Given a chance she would not even want to enter the kitchen. Piyush on the other hand was a typical Punjabi boy and firmly believed that if a women wouldn’t want to cook for her family members, she hardly loved them. Amy had also known this as a fact since childhood from her mother that all good girls knew how to cook well and that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. So in spite of all the resources she didn’t have a maid to cook. This irritated Amy no bounds.

Why can’t I get rid of the kitchen? My entire existence one day is going to melt into this wretched gas stove

She would sometimes complainingly talk to her mother over the phone.

It is nice to keep your loved ones happy, dear, besides, it’s not like in our times where you had joint families and the lady of the house would be busy preparing meals from morning up until the night. In those days, nobody believed in eating out also, which meant there was no respite, all seven days would be utilized in doing just the same thing- cooking. You must feel yourself lucky, Amy, and please cook with a happy heart or else the food would have neither taste nor value.

Preeti, her mum would leave no stone unturned including sending her on a guilt drive in order to curb Amy’s resistance ensuring all went well at her daughter’s place and no fights happened. This way Preeti thought she fulfilled the duties of a mother and taught her daughter the correct values. Amy, not finding support even from her mother would then reluctantly give in and go back to her routine.

Amy reached home well in time. She quickly baked an almond and figs cake, Aryaman’s favorite. Amy thought, Why only for Aryaman, let me cook something good for Piyush too. How nice he would feel if his wife meets him with a smile on the door and serves him his favorite dish for dinner. For all I know, he might just decide to dump his stupid mobile phone and spend the evening talking to me looking in my eyes. Thinking this Amy decided to forget about the dullness of her life and concentrated upon impressing Piyush by preparing his favorite food.

Amy used to constantly go through this mental tug of war between being herself and being a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter etc. In almost all cases, being herself lost miserably. The world too supported the notion of living up to other people’s expectations. While most of the times Amy convinced herself to perform her duties happily, she felt a strange emptiness deep within. A state of sadness she couldn’t explain why.

It was nine-thirty-five and the doorbell rang. It was Piyush. Aryaman ran to the door dragging a chair from the dining area as his four feet tall demeanor couldn’t reach the latch placed on the door at a height of six feet.

Relax, Aru, I’ll open. Please keep the chair back Amy announced from the kitchen.

Hi darling, Piyush gave Amy a half smile and handed over his laptop bag to her. He then moved towards the living room.

How was your day? Amy asked excitedly.

Ok, as always, nothing special, other than of course the fact that I finally closed the Unisoft corporation deal

Oh really! Amy was excited. Piyush had made it big yet another time. Though Amy longed for his time and attention, she loved the fact that her husband was an outstanding achiever. Piyush had grown more than three hundred percent in his salary in a short time span of ten years. Not to forget the promotion he got every year.

Amy very clearly remembered the days when they were courting. Life was so much more fun. They both had two wheelers and enjoyed street food. Piyush was an entirely different man then, he saved money to buy a piece of silver jewelry for Amy and she cherished it. Now things were different. Piyush was just about as handsome as he was ten years ago but he had grown slightly more arrogant, probably owing to his huge professional success. He could spend less time with his family now for his professional commitments had grown so much. He had become more serious too. He joked less and nit-picked more.

Oh he’s just got too busy, once he has achieved what he wants from life he will be just the same as he used to be. And it is the duty of an ideal wife to maintain a stress free environment at home, this is good for both Aryaman and Piyush.

Amy would every now and then reason it out with herself. But a part of her truly missed him. She seriously hoped one day Piyush would reach home early, with a bouquet of her favorite red roses, take her out on a romantic date and make her feel like a queen by ending the evening making passionate love to her. But that day was yet to come and from where Amy saw, it seemed a distant reality.

Piyush and Amy chatted for a while. Piyush sat Aryaman on his laps and spent a brief ten minutes asking him about his day at school. Then he switched on the T.V. Amy knew this was the end of all conversations. Piyush had given them the precious twenty minutes from his day for which Amy waited the entire evening. Now onwards whatever Amy spoke, Piyush did answer but his consciousness was submerged in to two virtual realities- the television and his mobile phone.

After having fought endlessly over weeks, Amy had realized there was no point. Piyush would argue, After a hard day at office, is a man not even entitled to some-time of relaxation and unwinding? That too in his own house Amy tried hard convincing herself on that logic but the problem was, the unwinding time stretched beyond twelve at night, much after she had long gone off to sleep. By now, Amy had sort of made peace with the fact that she could not have possibly won over his fascination for T.V and mobile phone. Without checking his inbox for text messages every two minutes, Piyush was convinced he could lose major business. So he would care to read every sms even if it meant messages dropping in at eleven at night.

While she was not too glad about how much attention Piyush gave Amy and Aryaman, she had learnt to keep herself happy with whatever she got. Well, at least she thought she had.

Amy served dinner at around ten. Aryaman had eaten much before Piyush came home. By now he was fast asleep. Amy and Piyush had a quiet dinner focusing much on Television. After dinner, Amy decided to go to the bedroom as she had to reach office early the next day and she wasn’t like Piyush; to be able to watch T.V till one at night and still be ready in time for office the next day. So she decided to give it a last shot. Good Night Piyush. She kissed his cheek gently and looked lovingly in his eyes as if trying to say , I miss you my love, come, let’s spend some more time together; ask me how my day was, share my worries, my victories; let us plan for our future together.

But nothing of that sort happened.

Good Night sweetheart

Piyush replied still engrossed in the reality show being aired on the T.V.

Amy went into the bedroom and gently closed the door behind her. She would always do this. The sound of T.V interfered with her sleep. Amy tucked herself in her blanket and said a small prayer before closing her eyes to go off to sleep. Just as she finished her prayers, and was about to go off to sleep, something inside her spoke

Why did you not buy that dress?

Amy was surprised, she answered,

If I would have bought it, I probably would have never been able to wear it, It would have sat in my closet for years, and then I would have given it away to a maid or someone, a sheer waste of money"

But I liked it so much the voice said.

But I looked fat in it Amy replied in her complete consciousness.

Says who? I thought I looked good the voice countered.

No, Piyush would have found me fat in it, and mum would have found that color absurd for my age, I am someone’s wife, someone’s daughter, I am not just myself. After all, they all love me, isn’t it nice to take care of their feelings? If they don’t like me doing a particular thing, can’t I abstain from it, would it really be so difficult? Amy strongly put forward her point.

"What about my feelings? I liked that dress.

But it was so expensive as if meant for some princess Amy pleaded.

So you think I don’t deserve to be treated like a princess and expensive things are only for others?

Amy was at a complete loss.

She felt frustrated at not being able to convince her own self.

Oh please shut up, and go off to sleep. You have office tomorrow

The conversation had ended. Amy went off to sleep. She had to wake up early next day. The same routine had to be followed for life to function smoothly.

2

The Coffee Break

It was six-thirty in the morning. Amy finally woke up after having put the alarm on snooze option thrice already. She dragged her feet to the washroom. Amy hated waking up this early but since Aryaman’s school bus would arrive at seven-thirty, clinging to her bed even for another fifteen minutes would certainly increase the risk of Aryaman missing his bus. Amy finished her chores and quickly moved to kitchen to prepare and pack breakfast and lunch for everybody. While she was hurriedly packing sandwiches in the foil, Amy heard Piyush yelling from the bedroom.

Amy, you forgot to get my grey suit dry-cleaned.

She went to the bedroom to figure out why was Piyush sounding agitated.

I specifically asked you to go to the drycleaner and get it done. You know it is my lucky suit and I needed it for the interview today, I wish you could be a little more attentive Amy

Piyush went on in his harsh tone without realizing he might be sounding hurtful.

Amy thought, If it was that important, why would you not take it to the drycleaner personally rather than putting it on me and then yelling later on…

Within no time Amy came up with a counter logic to that argument. No, No it was my duty, I am the homemaker, I should have remembered.

Amy was surrounded by a feeling of guilt. She wondered in her head,

"Am I really a good homemaker? Thank God I didn’t buy that dress or else Piyush would have thought of me as a careless and selfish women busy pooping off money when ideally I should have been taking care of my husband and get his suit ready for his big day.

Sorry Piyush, I forgot. I’ll be more careful next time. For now, wear something else please

Ya, I’ll do that, that’s the only option available at this moment

Piyush spoke in a seemingly irritated tone. Amy’s day was already half ruined. She went back to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. She didn’t want to get late and spoil the rest of the day too by either having Aryaman miss his bus or both of them leaving home without breakfast.

Amy was sad. She felt she did everything to live up to her family’s expectations but the more she tried the more he found imperfections in her. Consequently, all she got in return was disappointment both from Piyush and herself. Amy wondered why life treated her this way. She found no answers. Her expectations from her relationship were huge. She always wanted Piyush to deeply respect her. She looked forward to being appreciated for her good work and whole hearted dedication towards the family but the reverse happened. She felt all that Piyush could ever see in her were mistakes.

What’s the point brooding over this time and time again, let me get ready or else I’ll have yet another show down at the office.

I never quite understood why god almighty chose all cranky men in the world to be in my life… husband, boss, dad, all of them just the same.

Amy was a classic combination of traditional Indian values and modern thought process. She came from a culture where fathers still enjoyed the head of the family status and most of the life altering decisions were generally taken by the elders. During the times when Amy was growing up, Indian Punjabi society was going through a phase of massive confusion. There was enough influence from the west wherein families were considering opening up and giving children more liberty in terms of choosing careers. Parents were learning to be tolerant towards their daughter’s choice of life partners but only to an extent. Which meant, while it was ok for a Punjabi girl to befriend a north-Indian boy and get married, but to even think of tying the knot with someone from a totally different religious and a cultural back-ground was a complete no-no. Parents themselves were confused as to how much liberty to give. Mothers did not want their daughters to live a completely dominated life like their own. At the same time they did not even want their girls to be outrageous; keeping their personal interests before that of their family members. Amy and hundreds such like girls her age were grilled into the thought process of becoming the so called perfect wives. They were taught to keep their families happy. It was ok to make small sacrifices if it pleased people around them.

All this was apparently ok with Amy and she thought she followed her mum’s teachings word by word. Only there was one disconnect, according to mama’s philosophy, she should have gotten all the respect and admiration from Piyush; Strange though ,all her attempts at trying to be the perfect homemaker and partner were only leading towards her being taken for granted more and more. She was frustrated and confused at the same time. She didn’t want to go back to mum for counseling as she would have been inflicted with more guilt for having forgotten about the suit. That was something she did not want. At times Amy wanted to grab Piyush by his arm, look him in his eyes and say,

Listen Piyush, I want you to respect me for allowing you to steal away our time and give it to your professional requirements. I want you to respect me for doing all the cooking even when I have no fancy for the kitchen, just because you like it. I want you to understand that I am doing the best I can to keep everyone around me happy even at the cost of making myself unhappy. I deserve to be treated nicely and not nit-picked all the time.

Amy knew she could never do this. The minute she would open her mouth to talk like that, first Piyush would make a huge issue about it, then he would inform both Amy’s and his parents. No one and that meant practically, no one including her in-laws or parents would have approved of this. Her mother would have had her own agendas.

What would Amy’s in laws think of us, we never taught our daughter any values etc.`

Her mum-in-law on the other hand would have her own thing to say,

We never spoke like that to our husbands; I too have daughters and they do their work silently without announcing to the world at large of how awesome they are. Every girl must cook and it is bad for a girl to deny cooking for her family , so on and so forth.

Amy believed she didn’t stand half a chance. Rather than asking Piyush to look at Amy’s viewpoint, everyone would have encouraged him. Eventually, Amy would have apologized for her misbehavior and pledged to be a better wife in future. Everything sorted out and everyone would have gone back home happy except for, well of course, Amy. End of matter!

It had happened many times in the past on various similar issues and Amy was well aware of the future outcomes.

Forget it, make sure you remember to get his stuff ready next time well in advance

She dismissed all other thoughts and quickly began to get ready.

Amy reached office half an hour late. Though she lived only two and a half kms away, she met with an unexpected traffic jam. A canter had toppled over blocking the entire road. It took three traffic policemen to maneuver the traffic until the crane towed away the huge vehicle.

It’s a bad day, Amy smiled helplessly, I hope boss also encounters traffic and gets late. Amy reached office and paced towards her workstation. What she saw then wasn’t too pleasing. Mr. Mehra was out of his cabin looking for Ms. Amrit Khanna. Yes, this was her real name. The very confused very Punjabi, desi, modern Amy.

Shit! Why does this always have to happen to me? She thought.

Sorry Mr. Mehra, there was an accident on the road. It took a while for the traffic to clear up.

Oh that’s O.K., Amrit, could you please come to my cabin for a while?

Mr. Mehra was unusually sweet. Amy grew suspicious.

What did I do now? she thought

Mr. Mehra tossed a file towards Amy.

You did these calculations?

Yes, is there a problem? Amy asked hesitatingly.

You know, I have been wondering for a while now… why did I hire someone like you Amrit? Imagine what a fool I made of myself giving that presentation to high profile clients which such a huge calculation error.

Mr. Mehra pointed towards the third column on the computation sheet.

Tell me Amrit, is everything alright, I mean, why the hell can you not concentrate on your work? This is the third major mistake in two weeks dammit!

Mr. Mehra was enraged. He went on.

Listen Amrit, it’s high time. You decide what you want., "I would say, if you can’t love your job, better quit and take care of your home…he paused for a while.

Or else, shape up…and soon.

There was complete silence in the cabin. Mr. Mehra gave Amy a few seconds to digest his harsh words.

I have a meeting with the head marketing on the second floor in another five minutes. I gotta be going now

Saying this Mr. Mehra barged out of the room.

Amy sat numb. She had heard so much since morning from different sources about how incompetent she was in practically all areas of life, she had no more power to think. After a short while, she got up from the chair and went to her workstation along with the file to make fresh calculations.

Amy quietly settled in her chair and asked the peon to get her a cup of tea. Her colleagues could sense she was upset but decided to let her take care of it herself.

Amy sat still sipping her tea and trying to concentrate on her work. Finally, after about ten minutes she was out of her hibernation.

Whatever has been done cannot be undone, I’ll try to spend the rest of my day happily, at least I won’t make more mistakes that way.

And she got back to her work.

Bouncing back after being mowed down by difficulties was an amazing attribute Amy had. And she knew it.

Good times shall come, just hang in there a little longer Amrit she spoke to herself in her head and smiled.

It was around four thirty. Amy decided to get herself a cup of coffee. She didn’t call the peon as she was tired of sitting in her chair and wanted to stretch a bit.

She went to the pantry and saw Anish standing. Probably he was also needing to stretch his limbs.

Hi Anish! Amy said smilingly

Hi Amy, a lost Anish replied.

All well? You don’t seem the usual you.

Ya, I am stuck with the punch-line for my latest ad, I have had dozens of ideas but nothing seems to be ‘the idea’ suiting the overall plot of the ad, Anish spoke while sipping his coffee.

I need to complete this and put it up on boss’s table by day after, dun no what to do

Tell me about it, maybe I could help

Amy wondered why she said what she just said. She was in the accounts department and had absolutely no clue of writing scripts and punch lines for product advertisements.

Well, it’s like this, I have an assignment for Durosoft Choir mattresses.

He then explained the central idea around which he had designed his advertisement. Amy found it quite impressive, only Anish wasn’t able to figure out a catchy punch line for the same.

Hmmm, How about this…

Feels like home…Finally

Anish turned around. His face lit up.

That’s brilliant, Amy

Wow man! You are good, you solved my problem in seconds. This just serves the text so well

Wonder why I didn’t think about it. So simple, yet so powerful. It drives home the point effortlessly. Thanks Amy.

Well, I guess you deserve to be in the creative department rather than doing those boring accounts day after day…

Anish paused for a while as if debating whether or not to say it but eventually decided to say

And being fired by boss every now and then for making mistakes…

Anish looked into her eyes. He knew the morning episode. In fact the whole office knew about it.

Ya, I wish I could do something more interesting than my present job, Amy sighed, but who would give me a chance, Anish, my qualification doesn’t support this you see.

So what? You don’t need qualification alone to excel in what you do

A degree is just an add on. If your heart is in to something, you would naturally be more effective, and who cares whether you have a degree or not if you sell well.

Besides a degree is something you can take on any time in your life, there are