Of Titans & Tractors

By V.L. Locey

Just in case anyone is wondering, there are no major bus routes in ancient Greece.

What you will find are denizens of the underworld running amok. And of course you`ll find me, Libby Simons, with my faithful companion, George the Minotaur. What are we doing in ancient Greece instead of on my little slice of rural bliss in the mountains of Pennsylvania?

Well, it all started with Ares, the god of my dreams, falling from Olympus with Hades` Helm of Darkness. One thing led to another, Ares and I fell in love, Hades overthrew the Greek pantheon after reassembling Kronos` Epoch Armor, and I ended up stuck back in the old days when the height of fashion was a new chiton and some snappy leather sandals.

Now that Hades has taken over, the world is slipping into a dark place. It`s up to a certain ginger goatherder (that would be me), her right-hand bull, George, a flight-challenged owl named Einstein, and the goddess of the harvest to gather up an army to free the Greek gods from the bowels of Tartarus. It`ll take the combined forces of gods, demigods, heroes, Titans, and a spunky soap-making woman to save the world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: V.L. Locey
• Release date: Apr 29, 2015

V.L. Locey

V.L. Locey loves worn jeans, belly laughs, reading and writing lusty tales, Greek mythology, the New York Rangers, comic books, and coffee. (Not necessarily in that order.) She shares her life with her husband, her daughter, one dog, two cats, a flock of assorted goofy domestic fowl, and two steers: one named after a famous N.H.L. goalie while the other carries the moniker of a 60`s pop legend.When not writing spicy romances, she enjoys spending her day with her menagerie in the rolling hills of Pennsylvania with a cup of fresh java in hand. She can also be found online on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and GoodReads.

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Of Titans & Tractors

Smashwords Edition

V.L. Locey

Of Titans & Tractors

Copyright by V.L. Locey

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All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the author.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author`s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

ISBN: 978-0-98509

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Chapter One – Libby does some math.

Chapter Two – Libby and the literal goddess.

Chapter Three – Libby has a rude awakening.

Chapter Four – Libby gets a heros welcome.

Chapter Five – Libby meets a king.

Chapter Six – Libby plays oral surgeon.

Chapter Seven – Libby gets a blue ribbon for gardening.

Chapter Eight – Libby ponders on round trips.

Chapter Nine – Libby is suitably impressed.

Chapter Ten – Libby's hero cup runneth over.

Chapter Eleven – Libby's bridge over trouble magma.

Chapter Twelve – Libby goes under da sea.

Chapter Thirteen – Libby's love for the Hollies becomes evident.

Chapter Fourteen – Libby treads the boards.

Chapter Fifteen – Libby's full of bull.

Chapter Sixteen – Libby's roaming holiday.

Chapter Seventeen – Libby's little internal voice.

Chapter Eighteen – Libby, a Cat Stevens moment, and an unexpected wedding gift.

Chapter Nineteen – Libby seeks answers.

Epilogue

Libby's Glossary and Gossip about Greek Mythology

Chapter One

Libby does some math

****

Okay, so, this whole mucking of shit program I had envisioned had not gone entirely the way I had planned. Why it didn`t I can`t really say. Most of my plans work well. Just look at the plan I had come up with to capture one of Hades` minions back when Ares and I were just flirting. Sure, you could argue that capturing a Minotaur who had turned out to be a lover of steers, specifically Paddy, my most virile of steers, and sang kids` ditties all day wasn`t exactly what we had expected. However, it had worked out… more or less. It had gotten me one hell of a loyal, not to mention kick-ass, friend and bodyguard. What more success would we have needed? Fine, knowing what Hades had been up to at that time might have helped keep Earth, and the Grecian gods, from being plunged backwards in time. Nitpicker.

Since Demeter, George, and I were now being chased by Hades` elite guards, who bore a striking resemblance to their famous Gorgon sister, Medusa, through the dark streets of an ancient Greek city, maybe I should just concede that Athena is the real strategist and let it go at that. But that isn`t quite this ginger`s style. Maybe we should roll back just a bit to try to explain how we got where we are. It all started a few hours ago when I tied a rag around my head after doing some mental math. In truth it all started that day two months ago, when I found Ares in my goat barn, but since we don`t have time for the complete unabridged version of my crazy life since the god of war entered it, we`ll go with the shorter version and catch up later.

See, Libby Simons, the girl who had barely squeaked through Mrs. Tonkwater`s Algebra II class with a low C, could do the one plus one equals two. Or so I had been trying to explain to Demeter as we, surrounded by shades, snuck through the stone streets of Hades-Argolis. I know, the name is terrible but consider the source. I had kept a XXXX-Large priestess robe hidden under my chiton.

Oh, didn`t I mention that little morsel? Hades, in all his brilliance, had not only acquired all the components of his dad Kronos` armor and beaten the tar out of all but two of those who get their mail with Olympian zip codes, but he then had the brilliant idea to blow his old realm into smithereens. All this just to ensure my man, Ares, and all his kith and kin, never escaped Tartarus. Well, what do you know? Now that the Grecian underworld was a mess, the dead had nowhere to go so now they meandered about the streets. During the day, the sun turned the shades` ghostly forms invisible, which explains why I didn`t notice dead people at the market pricing pickled cod when I arrived back in time. But at night, when the moon was overhead, they did appear to the human eye. Silver shadows shuffling around, lost to those they loved yet not being able to see, speak, or touch them. It gives me the shivers too. I loved my granny but I don`t want her spectral form trying to tuck me in at night. Needless to say, the living tended to lock themselves indoors at night. Which worked for Demeter and me since now we only needed to avoid the guards of Hades-Argolis while we snuck George, that Minotaur I mentioned earlier, back to Hades` temple.

I do not understand how you can simply assume that the others are alive, Demeter whispered as we made our way back to the small stable where I had left George hidden hours ago. He has great affection for my daughter and so would not simply—

I stopped, turned and looked right into the darkness her hood was casting over her heart-shaped face. We were between two stucco houses in a slim alleyway of sorts. A ghostly man moved through the wall and glided between us. My skin rose up into goose bumps as he passed by dejectedly.

It`s called faith. I have to have faith that Ares and the others are alive. If I didn`t have faith in that, then I would give up, I told her flatly. It was disrespectful to speak to her so roughly. If this were any other goddess or time I may have suffered the same fate as Echo, whom Hera cursed for amusing her queenliness thereby giving Zeus time to frolic with her Echo`s sisters, the mountain nymphs. Hera took from Echo the power of free speech leaving her only with the ability to repeat any fool`s shouted words. This now fell under the category of ‘Desperate times calling for desperate measures’. I have to have faith, Ares taught me that, I repeated, not only for her but for myself. Now, we can stand here all night and toss out reasons why we can`t save the gods, or, we can move forward and do our damned level best to fix things. You do what you want, but I`m going to go get George and then find my man.

I spun around and stalked into the street, brazen as you please, leaving the stunned goddess of the harvest gaping at me. If I made it to the other side of the dirt lane without growing four spitting cobra heads jutting from mine then my harshness had worked. If not, then I`d cross that curse when I came to it. I could hear her tiny feet hurrying to catch up to me.

You are correct, she whispered as we climbed over a wall made of fieldstones. I am sorry for being so disheartened. I pine for my child and my family.

I know, I do too, but it looks like it’s just you and me now, so we can`t let Mister Negativity goose our bottoms.

Your manner of speech is quite perplexing, she said as we dropped down to use the three-foot high wall as cover. I had yet to see a guard and I really didn`t want to. I shall not be negative goosed again, she vowed. I liked Demeter and that backbone she had buried deep inside. She appeared to be all timid reserve and a gentle grower of crops, but, you get her back up about her daughter and the crap hits the barn fan. I fully understood how defeated she must have felt. I had a large bubble of defeatism trying to burst inside me too.

I knew we were in the right patch of land when the strains of ‘Knick-Knack Paddy Whack’ drifted through the air. The night had given us a lovely full moon. I wondered who was in charge of the night and day show now that Artemis and Apollo were…trapped. I shook my head to make the ‘D’ word disappear. Gods are immortal, that is fact. Therefore, they cannot ‘die’ as we mortals do. They can though linger in the underworld for time inconceivable. I didn`t have inconceivable time to wait. I had roughly about fifty years and I wanted to spend every moment of those fifty years loving Ares.

We slid into an open stable, the oxen giving us a lazy look as we moved past their pen, and found a singing hay mound.

George, I whispered. His huge furry head burst through the dried grass. Demeter gasped behind me. I ignored her to smile at George. His bovine face broke into a wide grin. I placed my finger over my pursed lips while I tugged his robe from the inside of my rather ratty chiton. He parroted my actions perfectly, right down to pulling the robe over his head. We had a moment of trouble when we hit his horns, but once those obstacles were cleared, it was smooth sailing.

GEORGE LOOK PURDY! he bellowed. The deep cry raced down the streets. I grimaced at his volume and decided now was a perfect time to get moving. Good thing too, since an outcry erupted a few streets over. The three of us quietly to make like trees and leave, immediately. Demeter and I went over the stone fence like Olympic hurdlers, our feet smacking the ground soundly. George was having some difficulty with his robe and his legs. I tried tugging at his covering to get it above his loin cloth then froze when the sound of the city guards hissing at us to ‘Cccccceassssssse’ crawled down my spine. I pulled my arms back across the fence and turned to look. Their glowing yellow eyes peered at me from within the confines of their plumed helmets. Thin-headed snakes gyrated around their gaunt faces. I had a second of complete terror as I waited for my body to turn to stone. When it didn`t happen, my mental schoolmarm tapped my brain with her ruler, reminded me that it was only Medusa who could pull that trick. Then she rapped my knuckles for being stupid.

Run. I shall slow them down! Demeter shouted as George, who looked quite lovely scaling the stone wall with his robe under his armpits and his loin cloth a little off center, dropped to the ground beside me. The two Gorgons slithered closer. Their lower bodies were serpentine and they moved with amazing speed. Their upper bodies were covered in dark Stygian armor. They held round shields that bore an image of Cerberus and gripped long swords cast from that same dark metal as their armor. Flee! Demeter spat at us, her hands beginning to emit a jade light. I watched, transfixed, as the very ground under the Gorgon sisters began to undulate. Frick and Frack paused mid-slither (Their real names are Sthenno and Euryale but I like my monikers better) as grass, sprouting up through the well-worn stones that lined the avenue, wrapped around the thick tails of the Gorgones siblings, halting their progress. The sisters hacked and sliced at the blades of grass that were now climbing up their bodies with stunning speed. One toppled over with a shriek, still trying to free herself, to no avail. I didn`t wait for the second one to fall, I took George by the wrist and high-tailed it back the way we came. Demeter took just another moment to ensure the creatures were trussed then she fell in behind us. The Gorgons hissed and screamed at our backs.

Come this way, `tis shorter! Demeter called to us after we skidded into yet another narrow lane. The city was a maze for newcomers, I was learning quickly. George shook loose and galloped after the slim goddess. I followed their lead, amused in some sort of crazy way, to see a long cow tail dragging behind the world’s biggest and smelliest temple priestess. My trap will not hold them long. We must seek shelter inside the temple!

But that`s the first place they`ll look, isn`t it? I shouted and ran right through an old man who was hovering along. He raised his ghostly fist at me. Sorry! I quickly apologized as my skin crawled. We need somewhere else to hide!

Where do you suggest? Demeter asked, stopping to allow me to catch up to her. I glanced around anxiously.

Somewhere those two, I motioned over my shoulder with my thumb, won`t look would be awesome.

I know of a place. The Heraion. Come quickly, I shall lead you there! she said then gathered her dark robes up over her cute knees and ran off into the night. The Minotaur and I brought up the rear. Leaving the city could work in our favor, or it could put us in greater danger since the places to hide were much—I stopped thinking then and simply stared as we pushed upward away from Argos. We didn`t get far before the Slither Sisters found us. Being covert with a three hundred pound Minotaur in tow is hard. The stench alone probably drew the Gorgons to us. George hit his brakes so quickly I collided into his back, bouncing off like a rubber ball. My rump hit the ground. I saw George lower his head and charge as I scrambled back to my feet. He went into one of the Gorgons like a tractor with a faulty clutch on a steep hill. Full bore in other words. She was knocked off her feet, tail, whatever, and flew into her hissing sister. I would say they went ass over tin cups but, yeah, they didn`t have asses. Demeter yelled at me to run. I did. I caught a glimpse of her glowing hands as I raced past her. I ran as if all hell was after me. Didn`t have one damned clue where I was going, but I ran. Just as I skidded around the softly curved corner of a quiet home, hoof beats came up behind me. I spun around and waved at George. Demeter was right behind him.

Make haste, Libby! The vines I called forth from a nearby vineyard shall not keep them bound overly long.

I took a few deep breaths then took off once again, this time following the goddess. We made so many rights and lefts that I was spinning in circles that went right round. Damned Eighties` songs, I mulled as my lungs began to protest so much physical exertion. Then we broke from the city limits. I had to take a break. My sides were screaming and my left calf was threatening to knot up. I dropped to my knees as I huffed and puffed. I studied the ground for a minute then lifted my sweaty head.

There, lying at the base of the Malevo Mountains, or as those living in the modern world called them, the Artemisions, was the Heraion. My jaw unhinged like an anaconda spying a meal. The temple to Hera was the most incredible thing I had ever seen, just shy of Zeus` sky temple and Ares` nutcracker of an ass. The complex was vast, easily covering twenty acres or more. Wide stairs led upward, starting at the well-worn road. A medium-sized structure with pillars surrounding it sat directly to the right. Several more buildings smaller and not as ornate, grew out of the land itself, Looking straight up, over the open courtyard sat the main temple. The moon broke free of some persistent clouds, illuminating Hera`s shrine with pearly white light. It appeared to me to span the length of four football fields, and was very similar to the temple of Zeus upon Olympus. More in depth studying would have to wait. We ran like cottontails from a pack of braying beagles.

I nearly tripped up the long staircase when my eyes got blurry thinking of Hermione back home all alone. What exactly had happened time-wise I didn`t know. I had moved back in time obviously but had the rest of the world? Was this area of the Mediterranean just a test run for Uncle Fugly? I prayed that all my critters would be safe. If Pan heard my plea, who knew? Up and up we went until we were in front of Hera`s sanctuary. The outer partition was nothing but thick Ionic columns that spanned the inner part of the temple. Braziers, much like those outside Zeus` palace, stood cold and empty of heavenly fire. Demeter called to me on a soft whisper. It was beyond creepy to find such a magnificent structure, built to honor the mother of the gods, sitting desolate and empty. It should be teeming with priestess and worshippers! I hated Hades more with each step I took inside.

All was dark. We crept further into the holy place, the only sound the clip-clop of George`s hooves across marble and my rapid breaths. Past a fountain we moved. I could see no riches placed at the feet of the attending statues. There was only one thin beam of light from the moon coming in a rectangular opening high on the wall. It fell on the trickle of water dribbling from an urn one of the Horai was holding on her shoulder. I had read about the Horai, who were goddesses of seasons and heavenly law and order and were some of those who attended the queen of heaven. Much like Hades` temple in the city, this one also had an interior that only the priestesses would see. This outer area was for the public. Demeter waited for me as I ambled about, my leg, moving past wanting to knot up, it was now in a full-blown cramp. She hooked an arm around my waist and the three of us, possibly the oddest trio ever to grace this inner sanctum, slid inside the priestesses` room. I dropped to the nearest stone bench, bent over and massaged the living snot out of my calf. The muscles were like granite. I hissed through my teeth. George fell down to the floor, his arms out to the side and his legs thankfully curtailed from splaying open by his robe.

They will not come here. The ground is sacred, Demeter told us.

George make snake lady go boom! my buddy commented. I snorted. Demeter said nothing, just hustled around in the dark. I looked up from kneading my calf to find the goddess standing beside me with a rough wooden cup in her hand. I thanked her and drank greedily. The water was dusty and stale but it quenched. She took the empty cup from my hand then sat down beside me. I went back to working the lump of twisted muscle in my leg.

We should rest and think. I do not know what it is we should do next.

I sat up straight and gingerly flexed my foot outward. It pulled like a red-hot chili pepper but didn`t cramp again. George was still on the cool floor. I sighed. The exhalation seemed so very loud. The sound filled my heart with pain.

I`ll be honest, I said peeking over to my left at Demeter, I`m not sure what to do next either. Maybe some sleep would help. I reached up to pull my wet bandana from my head. I always think better in the morning.

Then find somewhere of comfort and slip into the arms of Hypnos, Demeter whispered. I shall keep watch for no sleep shall come for me this evening, nor any other evening until this wrong has been righted.

I gave her a frail smile then limped over to curl up next to George. He seemed quite happy to have me for a slumber buddy and patted the ground next to him roughly. Using his arm as a pillow, and trying my best to ignore the smell, I closed my eyelids then pulled up an image of Ares. Clinging to that impression in my mind, I fell asleep almost instantly. I didn`t dream. When I awoke, I had to wonder if that was because Morpheus had been buried in the pits of Tartarus when the whole she-bang collapsed. Given what my dreams had been over the past several weeks, sleeping like a log should have made me happy. But it only made me queasy. Rolling from the odor factory called George, I squeezed my eyes closed tightly, hoping to eradicate the sickness in my heart. I really had wanted to dream of my battle god and his children.

Sunlight filled the area. The room was warming up already. Sweat beaded on my brow and between my breasts. My back hurt like double hell. I swallowed the sudden copious amounts of saliva pooling in my mouth. Demeter said something about breaking my fast. My watery eyes flew open. There in her lovely hands was a platter of fresh, delicious fruit. Bile raced into my mouth. I floundered around, rushing to my feet then tripped out of the door we had entered last night. I barely made it to the fountain before I got violently ill. The smooth marble lip surrounding the base of the pool felt wonderful on my cheek. There I lay like a soggy dishrag, arms over the side, fingers skimming the surface of the water, legs spread wide and quite unladylike, panting like a mule after plowing forty acres.

That sucked, I whined. Seemed my time-travel/teleportation sickness had not abated which was damned peculiar. Perhaps moving slowly through time and space made the effects linger longer? I knew from my few times teleporting with a couple of gods that my system couldn`t handle that particular mode of transportation which is why Ares, bless his ever-loving barbaric heart, had brought his war chariot from Thrace for us to gad about in. Maybe it was the fruit I had eaten for dinner last night? Another round of sickness engulfed me. This time around it was only the rasping empty heaves. I stared at the water as it cleansed itself, the foulness moving into a small drain to be replaced with clean, clear liquid. Draped over the side of the fountain feeling like a well-beaten scatter rug I heard a familiar ‘Kweep!’ followed immediately by a splash. My eyes wanted to roll but lacked the chutzpah to do so.

Dork, I grumbled, forcing my lids to peel apart. There in the pool flapped Einstein. I shimmied forward and lifted the disgruntled familiar of Athena from the water. You`re not a duck, you know?

‘KWEEP!’

Look, Mister, I scolded the saw-whet in my wet hands gruffly. My throat felt like I had coughed up battery acid, Don`t give me any beak right now. I`m so not in the—

I dropped him when my stomach convulsed. His feathery ass hit the pool. I wretched violently, my fingers tight to the smooth lip of the fountain.

Dear gods, I whimpered as I slithered backwards to rest my knees. I rolled my head to the right when Demeter lightly stepped into the public prayer room and kneeled beside me. I`m sorry for being so rude. I must be allergic to dates or figs, I rasped weakly. How uncouth. Barfing in front of a goddess. She patted my back gently, cooing something in Greek as I dry heaved for a few minutes. It took me a bit to get my act together. After I washed off my face and rinsed my mouth with clean water I shifted to the right, just enough to let my body puddle to the marble base. My head dropped back to rest on the lip. I heard Demeter trying to get Einstein from the water. Much flapping and kweeping occurred while I checked my eyelids for pinholes. My abdomen was tight and tender.

Are you well enough to listen? Demeter inquired. I nodded. I have a proposal as to what it is we should do next.

It doesn`t include figs or dates, does it? I asked feebly then looked over at her.

Nay, it does not. I am regretful for feeding you that which makes you unwell.

It`s not your fault, I whispered as Einstein grumbled, complained, then preened on the edge of the fountain between us. Go ahead, hit me.

Chapter Two

Libby and the Literal Goddess

****

The slap she gave my bicep brought tears to my eyes.

I didn`t mean hit me for real, I hissed, rubbing my offended arm briskly. Demeter looked down upon me with knitted brows and crossed arms.

You must learn to speak with clarity, she chided. I felt like a child.

Sorry, I mumbled. Nice way to start the day. Nothing like throwing up and being goddess-slapped before your first cuppa. What`s your idea?

We journey from this city to Thrace.

I quit rubbing. Einstein stopped flapping his wet wings. We both craned our heads around to look up at Demeter. She stared back at us for several seconds then exhaled in exasperation.

You are the consort of the war god. Thrace is his homeland. We can rally forces among the barbarians that populate that uncivilized land to battle Hades.

She appeared to be quite pleased with her idea and no doubt expected me to leap up with joy, or, bend down and kiss her