The Jerked Law Clerk: Chumped, #1

By Alexei Auld

Percy Winkler wants to be a lawyer. All he has to do is pass the bar exam. And to pass, he needs time. Time that his boss, Dick Bacon, will only give him if he survives his job as a human piñata. Can Percy persevere and preserve his precious brain cells long enough to realize his dream? Or will he forever be THE JERKED LAW CLERK? 

This is the first part of the CHUMPED trilogy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: TemRose Publishing
• Release date: Mar 25, 2015
• ISBN: 9781507046173

Alexei Auld

Alexei Auld is an Off-Rez alum of Columbia Law School and Sundance's Native Writing Workshop. His writing has been featured in E! True Hollywood Story, Fondo Del Sol, and numerous curated festivals and publications.

Book preview

1

PERCY! COME HERE. NOW.

Lance didn’t look like himself. Pressed against a door. Disheveled. Desperate. Demanding help. It made Percy’s earlobes tingle.

Percy zipped up his pants, fresh from a hearty and productive bathroom visit. His nose whistled as he inhaled, bolstered in his never-ending battle with congestion.

Morning, Lance. What’s going—

In one fluid motion, Lance grabbed Percy with his left hand, opened the door with his right hand, and tossed Percy into the room.

Percy landed flat on his back. Felt sticky tobacco juice showering his face, invading his stuffy sinus. He rose to his knees, face full of crotch.

Lemonjelo, I mean Mr. Jermajesty, how can I help you, sir?

Lemonjelo was a former NFL player ejected from the league for cheating on a urine test with the Piss-Pass 2.0, a device that looked like a penis and secreted a false negative urine sample. As disgusting as it seemed, it was quite the sensation in organized sports leagues. Lemonjelo had sued the manufacturers of the Piss-Pass for false advertising.

If it worked the way it was supposed to, I’d still be playing for the Giants.

And the arbitrator had agreed with him, thanks to the efforts of unheralded nebbish Percy Winkler, supervising partner Dick Bacon, and their law firm, Canker Shore. Lemonjelo was pleased with the outcome. Just not with the legal bill.

When Lemonjelo had arrived at the firm an hour earlier, Lance had locked him in a conference room. Lance couldn’t be bothered with mundane tasks like billing, so he’d left to work on other matters and forgotten Lemonjelo. With only a door separating Lance from walking roid rage, he hadn’t known what to do.

Percy, locked in a room with Lemonjelo, didn’t either.

The fuck is up with the doors around here?

I don’t follow you, sir.

That prick Lance told me to wait in here and next thing I know, the door jams.

Sorry about that, sir.

Yeah, well, fuck that. This is what I came here for. Lemonjelo whipped out a legal bill and jabbed at it. What kind of shit is this?

Percy looked at the bill and replied, Fifty cents a copy, sir.

Fifty cents? It only costs a dime at Kinkos.

I know, sir, but they don’t have the expertise to handle the paperwork.

Expertise? All they do is make copies all day long. I’d call that expertise.

Not legal expertise, sir.

"What kind of legal expertise do you need to make copies?