Beating in Progress: Chumped, #2

By Alexei Auld

WARNING: Before you go any further, please don't read BEATINGS IN PROGRESS unless you've finished THE JERKED LAW CLERK. There are spoilers and I don't want to ruin the exciting conclusion of the first book for you. 

Percy Winkler's 24/7 law firm job requires him to pass the bar exam without any time to study. To make time, he accepts his friend's cockamamie scheme: fake an injury which requires a face mask and let a masked body double take his place at work. If he fails to trick boss Dick Bacon, Percy will lose his job and will receive a lifetime ban from practicing law. Unfortunately for Percy, the body double is a bruising goon who seeks and wreaks havoc on his law firm. Mind the carnage, BEATING IN PROGRESS. 
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: TemRose Publishing
• Release date: Sep 25, 2014
• ISBN: 9781507048795

Alexei Auld

Alexei Auld is an Off-Rez alum of Columbia Law School and Sundance's Native Writing Workshop. His writing has been featured in E! True Hollywood Story, Fondo Del Sol, and numerous curated festivals and publications.

Book preview

1

PERCY

BACON COULDN’T BELIEVE HIS EYES.

Let me get this straight, Percy. Last night, you were in a car accident resulting in emergency cosmetic surgery which requires you to wear a face mask?

‘Percy’ was a perfect body double. It was as if he were Percy’s long-lost twin. He wore an opaque facemask that distorted his features. Whoever Rufus had hired had a knack for finding stunt-double stand-ins with Hollywood-type accuracy.

Not that it mattered.

Bacon had banned Percy from making eye contact with him. Bacon didn’t want to see the havoc his legal style wreaked on Percy’s face. As a result, Bacon couldn’t pick Percy out of a perp lineup. Couldn’t describe his face to a criminal forensic sketch artist. So Bacon wouldn’t know how closely Percy’s stand-in resembled Percy.

Bacon had no choice but to suspend his disbelief, since he had never known anyone who had survived a devastating car accident.

And you’re still taking the bar next week?

I’m passing the bar next week.

Really?

One hundred percent guaranteed, Mr. Chitterlings.

Excuse me?

That’s not your name?

My name is Bacon, Percy.

That’s right. Sorry, sir.

The accident must have jarred your brain, Percy.

Jarred my brain.

No need to worry. We can still bill you out. As a matter of fact, I’d assume that you were thinking about work all during your hospital stay, correct, Percy?

Yes, sir, Mr. Bacon.

Then we have nothing to worry about. Carry on.

* * *

The Imposter realized his goof while he was inside the bathroom. His crib notes read CHITTERLINGS = BOSS.

Fuckin’ mamalukes.

He replaced CHITTERLINGS with BACON.

He took advantage of the free mouthwash dispensed in every bathroom at Canker, courtesy of a partner who blamed an associate’s bad breath for losing a case.

* * *

Later that day, while the Imposter yakked on the phone, Bacon’s secretary Sandy noticed Lance spying on him.

What’s the matter?

Something’s different about him.

I think it’s a new tie.

He’s acting funny.

He just had cosmetic surgery.

Lance couldn’t give it a rest. Throughout the day, he stalked the Percy Imposter from afar as the Imposter typed on the computer, rifled through law books, and met with Bacon.

As the Imposter left the office, Lance followed, eventually yelling Winkler!

The Imposter ignored him and Lance chased after him.

The Imposter darted through traffic, unable to shake Lance.

Stop!

The Imposter didn’t.

Neither did a dump truck, which crushed the poor Imposter. Before a crowd could gather, Lance skulked away.

2

ORIGINAL-RECIPE PERCY

THE REAL PERCY STUDIED in Geneva, located in the Finger Lakes region of Upstate New York. Percy knew the bar prep lectures weren’t worth attending in person, so he ordered the DVDs and viewed the trip as a study retreat.

He refrained from sampling Geneva’s famous winemaking so he could focus on his tight schedule. His practice test results sucked, but Percy knew the actual exam was the only thing that mattered.

He enjoyed the quiet region as a study haven, but didn’t think the sleepy town was anywhere he’d choose to live until he was a grandpa. Not to suggest Percy had kids. To his knowledge, he didn’t. Still, Percy knew he’d be back to take advantage of the hooch, and if he passed the bar, his abstinence would be worth it.

In between study sessions, Percy remembered his third bar exam failure. At the time, Bacon had sent him on a document review in Westchester County. Percy still had a test scheduled for Manhattan. He’d perfectly planned a timely arrival: early departure from his hotel with a car service to the Amtrak station and an early train to NYC.

A half-hour after leaving the station, Percy’s train crashed into a herd of cows. Percy couldn’t believe it and feared going through another round of studying. He leapt from his seat.

No, no, no! he yelled.

The conductor rushed him and asked if Percy was fine.

Yes, I mean, no. We have to start the train.

We can’t do anything until the police arrive.

Percy pushed him aside and opened the door.

What are you doing, sir?

Percy started to jump off the train, but the conductor grabbed him by the collar.

Sir, have you lost your mind?

I have to make it to New York.

You’re in New York.

I know this is New York, but it isn’t New York.

What other New York is there?

The one with skyscrapers, the Statue of Liberty, and my goddamn test.

The conductor yelled out for assistance. Percy grew more