Why I Married a Murderer and How I Survived the Divorce

By Teresa X. Roberts

"Lets Pretend This Never Happened" meets "Orange is the New Black" in this wickedly funny memoir with a glimpse into the life of a woman who had a wonderful wickedly funny childhood, despite an abusive brother and emotionally bankrupt parents. It is filled with wickedly funny memories of the loving men in her life who were complete jerks. There are belly laughs that will bring wickedly funny tears to your eyes, when you realize you are more like her than you care to admit. It is riddled with reality show worthy drama and not-so-wickedly-funny addictions. It has serious and silly stories that are truly wickedly funny and bipolar, going from one extreme to the other... but not really. The author's therapist says she uses 'wickedly funny' way too much. She claims her therapist is nuttier than she is so she refuses to listen to him, but continues to pay him.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Teresa X. Roberts
• Release date: Oct 27, 2013
• ISBN: 9780991088218

Teresa X. Roberts

Teresa X. Roberts has gone from climbing trees in Minnesota, to worshiping the sun in Nevada, to running through the rain in the Great Northwest, where she currently resides, for the moment.Though she often changes her mind (and men) like the weather, she is also dedicated and passionate about where she is or who she is with....until it ends.

Book preview

The World Wide Web of Dating Hell

Online dating was invented by the devil. Or maybe it was invented by Al Gore, since I heard a rumor that he invented the Internet. No seriously, I think Satan himself created online dating purely for his sick and twisted sense of humor, but also to show the world how we really are deep down inside—lonely, horny, pathetic, desperate and/or completely full of shit.

It seems like the easy thing to do–-just write a little blurb about who you are, what you’re looking for, what you’re not looking for, and voilà, the exact person of your dreams will appear in your inbox in mere moments.

But instead, if you’re a 35-45 year old woman you get ten emails from dirty old men wanting a younger woman, eight emails from college boys wanting a cougar, four emails containing pictures of the sender’s penis with the entire content of the email being: hit me up if you’re interested, and at least one email bashing you for something you asked for that the viewer/sender is not, telling you how shallow, superficial, and/or racist you are, in addition to some colorful names. I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that this last person is the one who flagged your ad for deletion so you will never find true love. Why? Because they can cowardly hide behind the electronic curtain of anonymity, where all is safe, while they are in their Mother’s basements.

However, if you’re a man, of any age, you’re really in luck. You get 142 emails from women of your dreams; they are all new to online dating, they’ve never done this before, and they are ready to do anything your heart desires—right after you click a link, enter your credit card, and kiss your money and/or identity away. Why? Because they can hide where all is safe, in a luxury condo bought and paid for by idiot men too scared to meet a real woman, who live, where all is safe, in their Mother’s basements.

I have actually been on countless dates originating from online connections. I once was chatting with a guy for a few days and when we finally met in person, he breathed like a Sleestak from The Land of the Lost. Don’t get me wrong, I was a big fan of the show, but I just couldn’t handle that breathing during our lunch date, let alone think about what he might sound like during sex. He may have even been having sex with himself then, under the table, now that I think about it; which might explain why he sounded like a Sleestak.

After chatting online with another guy for a while, we met up to see a movie. During the opening credits he started making out with me. When I jerked away to indicate I was not interested in making out during the movie like a couple of school kids, he pouted for the next two hours. He texted me a couple days later to apologize for his forwardness. I thought that was sweet and I was about to give him another chance. Just then he sent another text saying he would like to make it up to me by ‘treating me’ to oral sex for lunch. I truly wish I was making this up!

Then there was the guy who on our first (and only) date told a pubic hair joke while we were eating dinner, which involved a spitting gesture—at the table, in the restaurant. There was one guy who constantly played video poker at the bar while asking me odd questions, never making eye contact during the whole first date (there was no second date). There was a guy who insisted on meeting right away for a drink and then complained for 45 minutes about how tired he was from getting sunburned and drinking at NASCAR all day. Then there was a guy who was a taxi cab driver who told me story after story of the life of a cab driver; as sad as it was, I actually found our date to be refreshing after some of the previous ones.

Maybe I come off a little too snarky? Well—I can’t help it. Okay, my therapist tells me I can but won’t, so there you have it—the fact of the matter straight from a professional. The point is, 1) I’ve tried keeping comments to myself, but 2) it pisses me off when people say I don’t give men a ‘chance’. I give them chances all day long—in fact, my next book is going to be about exactly how many chances I’ve given them. The problem with men is—they’re men.

Okay, so I said it. Don’t take it the wrong way!

Back to my point. Online dating should come with a disclaimer: ‘purely for entertainment purposes only’—like seeing a psychic or playing the lottery. That said, I must confess, I have met three amazing people from personal ads.

One was from an ad I placed in the newspaper before the Internet existed (that’s how far back I go—so show some respect, huh?). I was just looking for friends, male or female, who among other things, were fans of The X-Files. I asked responders to write to a P.O. Box. My thought was that if they were willing to make the effort to write a letter, put it in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it, they might, just might, be a quality person who also really wanted a quality friend.

I got a letter from a girl who wrote a brief, but funny letter; it read: "I like The X-Files too, but just so you know, Fox Mulder will be my husband someday so you can’t have him." Through ups and downs in our friendship, she and I are still friends almost 20 years later (I can’t believe how time flies).

The other two quality people I met online, (amazingly enough) were in Reno. I say amazingly enough, not only because I met them online, but also because, well, if you ever lived in Reno, you would understand. After living there a few years, I get why Johnny Cash wrote about shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Eh hem… anyway; one of these gems, with whom I am still friends, met me at the Little Nugget for an Awful Awful Burger. (Note: If you ever go to Reno, you must have one; they are Awfully, Awfully Good!) He suggested we share a burger which I was totally down for since I’ve had the gastric bypass surgery (and they give you enough fries to feed all the panhandlers in front of the place until they are stuffed). So my new friend got some unexpected brownie points for offering to share a burger.

It is odd in itself for a man to not eat a ‘manly’ portion and actually want to share a meal, but the truly impressive part came almost two years later when I learned that not only was he a vegetarian, but also a total health nut who has competed in multiple Iron Man competitions. Wow, a vegetarian who didn’t throw a fit about the meeting place, but suffered through red meat and greasy fries to have a date with me. Big gold star! Though no sparks flew over the mountain of fries we shared, we are still very good friends.

And last but not least, I met a cop from an online ad. My ad said that I was married, but in an open relationship and I just wanted someone to hang out with, go to movies with, etc. His response to my ad was I am also married, but in an open relationship and would love to be friends, or more. However, I’m a cop; I hope that doesn’t scare you. I responded right away with "I’m married to a murderer in prison; I hope that doesn’t scare you."

We agreed to meet, but I insisted that at some point in the near future I also meet his wife to make sure everything was ‘cool’. He said, You will meet her at the same time you and I meet; how about tonight? We all got along great and have been friends ever since.

Sadly, my list of success stories with personal ads pretty much ends there. I once met a guy online who was about my age and who I thought was great at first. He was from upstate Wisconsin (I’m from Minnesota), had a great job, sounded old fashioned, sweet, etc. Later I learned he was suspended from his job, sleeps on an air mattress at a friend’s house, is obsessed with making his (air) bed and judges people harshly who don’t make their bed first thing in the morning. I try to understand and have compassion for people who are in transition in their lives. Hell, my middle name is transition most of the time. I looked past all that, but texting me first thing in the morning asking what color panties I was wearing (we had only met once and had not even kissed) was where I finally drew the line and told him I wasn’t really interested. That’s when the real fun began.

My big mistake was trying to be nice about it. I tried to fix him up with a friend of mine and he ended up blowing her phone up with texts bashing me and then asked her to go on a ‘road trip’ to Hawaii. Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner! NOT.

There was another ‘almost’ success story. After several texts with a great sounding guy, we agreed to meet for lunch. I was really excited since this was the first guy, in a long while, who had managed to last a week or so without saying (or sending pictures of) anything sexual. A half hour before we were to meet for lunch, he texted me a picture of his penis. I texted back Why did you do that? He responded, I just wanted to make sure you were still interested before I wasted my time. (Texted straight, where all is safe, from his Mother’s basement, I am quite sure.)

I would be rich if I had a nickel for every time someone said to me Find ways to meet people other than online; join a singles hiking club, get out more, or ask your friends to introduce you to someone they know.

This advice always makes me either laugh so hard that I pee my pants a little, makes me want to slap them, or pisses me off. It almost always sparks a challenge in the form of an argument, or an argument in the form of a challenge depending on the mood I am in at the time.

I usually start out by siding with these ‘you-know-nothing-at-all-about-dating-these-days’ people by saying something like, Ya know, you’re right! I don’t know why I am looking online when my ideal man is a construction worker or some sort of skilled tradesman who wouldn’t know how to turn a computer on if his life depended on it. Just when the person I am talking to smiles and says in their most cocky tone, "See, you’re looking in the wrong place for what you want, that’s why you never find it and are always disappointed. That’s when I pull out my arsenal of verbal arrows and start loading my bow, flinging one sarcastically snide remark after another: Right, I should start hanging out at construction sites or aimlessly walk up and down the aisles at Home Depot. Or maybe I should go hang out at construction bars on Fridays when they are cashing their paychecks, so I can land one who drinks, smokes, and pisses their money away before they go back to work on Monday. Oh, and I am so sure that I would find the construction type man I am looking for in a hiking club because most men who are on their feet all day building houses or laying concrete probably love going on hikes too. Or maybe I might meet one of those kinda guys at the library; I hear construction guys just love hanging out at the library."

I ask my construction type guy-friends all the time if they know any good guys that they work with. I get the same response every time followed by rolling laughter, "I wouldn’t fix you up with anyone I know, they are all piece of shit assholes."

I did have a friend of mine set me up once with his friend Adam. My friend knew both Adam and his wife and said they had been separated for almost a year. My friend had just gone to her house to do some repairs and had also been to his place to BS and have a couple beers, so it would seem safe to assume he was in fact single. My friend tells me that Adam really needed to get out and have some fun, so I invited him to a concert. It was pure hell! He spent the entire evening complaining about his soon-to-be ex-wife and how he is living in a hotel room while she has the house that he is still paying for and she is raping him for child support, blah, blah, blah. I couldn’t wait for the date to end and almost peeled away before he was completely out of the car.

About a week later, I got a call at 1:30am from a woman screaming at me. DID YOU HAVE FUN WITH MY HUSBAND ON YOUR DATE? I didn’t recognize the number so I wiped the sleep from my eyes and tried to calmly say, Who is your husband? I was really hoping this chick had the wrong number but she continued to scream at me Oh, you’re fucking so many married men you can’t keep track of them all? I was just lying there, sleeping, alone in my bed, like I did every night. I was still holding out hope that she had misdialed. I said again, in an even calmer voice, Please tell me who your husband is. She responded venomously, ADAM!

I honestly don’t know what I was thinking--oh, yeah, it was 1:30am, I wasn’t thinking, and certainly wasn’t thinking about the date I had a week ago that I forgot the moment it was over. So I said, I know about five Adam’s (which was true), can you be more specific? That didn’t help matters at all. I had to hold the phone away from my ear while I heard what a home-wrecker I was to poor married (psycho) women all over town!

I let her scream at me for a minute or two before it dawned on me who her husband must be. When she took a breath, I explained that I was told they were separated for almost a year, to which she informed me that they just slept together last night (good for her, like I care, I thought). She continued to scream at me. By then I’d had enough and I finally yelled back, "What am I supposed to do, hook my dates up to lie detector tests? Why don’t you yell at your jerk husband who is apparently lying and cheating? But just for the record, our ‘date’ sucked because all he did was complain about what a bitch you are, which I now believe to be the one true thing he did tell me," and I hung up.

I wish I could say this was the only angry wife phone call I ever received as a result of men saying they are single when in fact they were not. This is one reason why swing clubs not only exist, but also are thriving under-the-radar businesses these days—but that’s another story for another time.

I’m not a big fan of baseball—or of sports in general. Okay, maybe motocross, but I like the smell and sound of it more than anything. Okay, maybe I like the idea of metaphorically ‘grabbing the bull by the horns’ so to speak, and having that kind of control to go forward in any direction I chose. But back to my lack of lust for baseball before I get carried away by catching air on the double jumps in my head; I think it’s fair to say I was ‘striking out’ on the dating field.

So, the million dollar question is ‘why would a smart girl like me marry someone in prison, a murderer no less?’ Well…it all started back in ‘Nam. Just kidding, I just like saying that sometimes, with an old geezer dialect of course. Yes, I realize you want to know, but what kind of book would this be if I told you at the end of chapter one? Grab a beer, chai tea, or a brandy snifter (full of brandy, of course) and a calabash pipe (but only if you’re wearing a plaid bathrobe and bunny slippers) and sit for a spell already; the dirty dishes aren't going anywhere.

First Crush

I grew up as a tomboy, as many farm girls do out of necessity to merely survive in their environment every day. I actually did try, once, to be friends with a neighbor girl who did not live on a farm. She was into dolls and such, and for some strange reason, I had a couple of dolls that she didn’t have, so I worked that angle to be friends with her.

Mind you, I did not want to be friends with her at all, but I caved to pressure from my Mom that I should stop hanging around boys so much. Against my better judgment, I told the bus driver (who was also a neighbor and knew my parents) that it was okay with my Mom that I got off the bus with this girl at her house and that my Mom would be picking me up later; I was only eight or ten years old at the time. I honestly had no idea how I was really going to get home, which was not really that far by car, but way too far for a kid that age to

Reviews for Why I Married a Murderer and How I Survived the Divorce

[sportzmomof5 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I was given this book in exchange for an honest review.Loved, loved, LOVED this book. I could not put this book down - and probably shouldn't have started it so late at night (yet another sleepless night). The author does and amazing job of pulling you in from the first page until the last. Can't wait to read more from this author!

[wlr11 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I received a copy of Teresa Roberts memoir in exchange for an honest review. I was intrigued by the title and was not sure what to expect. The author uses humour as the foundation to share her true life trauma and in turn, sends a take home message of resiliency and hope. I commend the author for being forthright about her countless unhealthy relationships and for not portraying herself as the defenseless "victim". Roberts openly admits to her role and responsibilities within these relationships and how her own trust issues and naivety contributed to her emotional downward spiral. There were many times while reading the book whereby I couldn't help but to say "what were you thinking"...Not wanting to be judgmental, it was rather difficult for me to understand why Roberts made many of the poor decisions that she did where men are concerned. Being no expert in this area and having my own share of failed relationships, I know that "finding" Mr.Right is no easy feat. However, seeking out a spouse within the jail system is something that I cannot comprehend. On-line dating or meeting at the bar is one thing, becoming pen-pals with inmates, then making wedding plans prior their release into freedom is quite another. Vulnerability with a capital V. The story was well-paced and the writing was consistent with that of a first-time author. The memoir read like a conversation between two close girlfriends, venting over a few drinks. I rate this at 3/5 stars and recommend to an adult audience who has some interest in emotionally abusive relationships and the aftermath. I extend my thanks to the author for the opportunity.

[marie3-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

It took me some time to finish this book but I was so glad that I read it. The author has a fresh honest way of looking at her life and opening it up for others to see/feel what she has been through. I know there are a lot of people who write in a brutal honest harsh way but I never felt that she was being harsh in this book. That is what I found most refreshing.

[blakelybennett-1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I found this memoir to be hilarious and highly upsetting at times. It was very hard to put down and a very fast read. I highly recommend it if you, like me, love to experience an extraordinary life journey. I sure hope she has better luck with men in the future and that she keeps on writing. Great read.

[karen.lea · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book was a funny fast paced chat, the author a friend it feels like I've known a lifetime. I thoroughly enjoyed Teresa's (I know so much about her it feels like we should be on a first name basis!)recollections of her childhood, as she establishes emotional patterns which may have led to the titled situation. Her writing style is delightful, and the events very relatable. I highly recommended "Why I Married a Murderer" and I look forward to her future works

[loisb-2 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This was an interesting, quick read. It's written in a very funny, chatty style. The author describes her childhood and prior adult relationships, all of which contributed to her self-image issues. I'm not sure I understand why she did it, but her motives seem honest.