AIN'T MISBEHAVIN': CLYDE, #1

By Bill Russell

Clyde lives in my mind and imagination although there is a real Clyde, made out of metal, sitting on a table next to me.

Originally constructed as a piggy bank, he enjoys a heavy center of gravity, thanks to a load of pennies. (We have frequent wind storms and I didn’t want to find him in the next county.) His existence began on a work bench in the garage but he really came to life in a fantasy e-mail I once sent to a friend.  Since then, it has burgeoned into forty-some episodes with more in the works.

You’ll meet a sparrow named Freddy. He’s Clyde’s silent partner and best buddy.  Freddy, never utters a sound although Clyde swears up and down he’ll talk your leg off. Mostly Freddy just stands around in stupid costumes of whatever plot those two birds are cooking up, and takes off at the first sign of trouble. For a creature who never speaks, Freddy manages to talk Clyde into some of the most idiotic schemes ever devised, all of which haven’t a prayer of succeeding. You’ll hear about  Freddy’s strange half-brothers, a snake who thinks poodles are  fine French cuisine, an alligator who needs floaties to swim, a mallard who thinks he’s an aquatic ostrich and a Turkey buzzard with eyes for Clyde. Freddy’s sweet but dense little mother does charity work with abandoned eggs. We never meet the kindly lady but we can readily see why her family tree has a few branches that could use pruning. Jump in the middle of the merriment when the boys get together.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bill Russell
• Release date: Mar 13, 2015
• ISBN: 9781507004821

Book preview

DEDICATION

To poet and writer Dorothy Huss.

I wish I could have known her better.

WHAT IS IN THIS BOOK ,

WHO IS THIS CLYDE INDIVIDUAL

AND FROM WHENCE DID HE COME?

Clyde came into being in my shop. Kludged together from an old refrigerant can (similar to a propane bottle) and scraps of sheet metal, he took shape. A quick jazzy paint job and I had a strange looking chicken door stop for my patio. Where the name came from I don’t remember other than Dean Martin always called people Clyde on his TV show and it seemed to fit. In the stories, he’s left by the Mad Welder to cover a five-dollar loan to Ralph, his new caretaker. Ralph is a bit on the klutzy side which adds just a touch of flavor to the stories.

I was living in Yuma, Arizona at the time, where the wind can blow fiercely. As a precaution, I weighted Clyde down with pennies so he couldn’t fly away and then set him by the door. Trouble soon followed when I started talking to the darn thing. Notice, I didn’t say I talked with him. I sorta got into the habit of talking at him when I came and went. I know what you’re thinking but, he’s a metal chicken for gosh sakes and to talk with him would be a little beyond the pale, even for me. What I did do was, when I left the house I’d shake my finger at him and say things like, No chicks and no parties. Got it, bird? or, This place better be spotless when I get back or I’m gonna pull your tail feathers. It was the same coming home. What have you been doin’, bird and what’s this white stuff all over the house, or, Clyde, what’s this strange feather on the floor?  Fess up, this ain’t one of yours. I admit, it was a lonely period in my life without any sort of tender companionship so that might explain my need to talk to something.

Sometime later I was emailing a friend and made up a little story about my pet chicken and that started it all. I added his best buddy, Freddy, an entrepreneurial sparrow who manages to get Clyde into some very strange adventures even though he never speaks. Freddy’s half brothers, Bert, an alligator who needs floaties to swim, Floyd a python who considers poodles to be fine French cuisine, Clarence, a mallard who thinks he’s an aquatic ostrich and Albert, a turkey buzzard with eyes for Clyde were fabricated to give the stories an aura of authenticity. Freddy’s little mother found some strange eggs in her nest and sat on them. I’m sure it makes for rousing family reunions. After a while I had written some forty of the adventures about my little wise cracking bird and his imaginary sidekicks. This is the first batch from that collection. Bill Russell, March 2015, Huron, South Dakota.

STORY LIST

1 THE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO

POINTS IS A STRAIGHT DROP

2 EARTH TO CLYDE... DO YOU COPY?

3 SOLO SLOT

4 FREE FALL or, NO STRINGS ATTACHED

5 UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTIVES

6 GIVE ME YOUR MUDDLED ASSES... AH,

AH, I MEAN HUDDLED MASSES

7 CRICKET CONNOISSEURS or SOLDIERS IN

THE SALIVATION ARMY

8 VIDIOT

9 JAIL BIRD

10 THE GREAT CLYDINI

11 EL CLYDE-O

12 POOL PARTIES AND OTHER

INVIRONMENTAL DISASTERS