Notes Of A Tourist On Planet Earth: Being a Collection of Hilarious Essays, poems and Ponderings About the Human Species
By J.D. Smith
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Notes Of A Tourist On Planet Earth - J.D. Smith
Author
INTRODUCTION
As one song goes, we’re all just passing through or, as the beer commercial of my childhood said, you only go around once. Unless reincarnation is somehow proven (I’m betting against it, and have receipts on the wager) or you are circling the globe in a desperate attempt to rack up frequent flyer miles. In the latter case, please stop—it’s bad for your home life. I say this because I care. It’s also no longer original.
What this means is that we are all tourists on planet Earth, seeing what we can with the time we have. You don’t have to wear Bermuda shorts, since most of us don’t have the legs for them, and you don’t need to put on a Hawaiian shirt, although it can be awfully comfortable. If you insist on wearing one of those waist-pouches, at least have the sense to keep it on your front instead of your back, lest you look like even more of a mark. This tourist chooses not to sport a pith helmet, but your panache may vary.
My journeys to date have extended from the bars of New York to those of Los Angeles, Chicago, Athens and Buenos Aires, as well as Warrensburg, Missouri. My destinations have included taqueria in both the United States and Mexico, and a pizzeria in Guatemala City (a youthful indiscretion). I have not traveled much in the realms of gold, since I can only afford to fly economy class, but passage on a private jet could not have brought me to any greater number of souvenir shops or hawkers for mediocre and even tawdry entertainments.
On the basis of what I have seen and heard so far I can offer the following crude guide to the people, places and customs of this planet, including historical and scientific background. There are short observations as well as first-person accounts heard along the way, and even a section devoted to the Earth’s strange and wondrous animals, who are plotting our overthrow.
I hope you can join me on this tour with an open mind, as well a valid passport, up-to-date vaccinations and enough money to pay for this book rather than read it all in the bookstore cafe and leave a shopworn copy by the sugar packets. (If you’re reading the e-book, please disregard.)
Onward, if you dare!
Washington, DC, November 2012
MANNERS AND MORES
INTRODUCTION
As is often said, People make the place.
This is often followed by Damn it.
Still, making the most of one’s stay in any place requires an understanding of how things work and what makes people tick, even when a fuse is not attached. It helps to remember that no matter where you go, and no matter how strange things seem, we are all the same inside, give or take those born with one kidney—or three. We all have the same motivations, such as survival, lust and revenge. Beyond that point things get a little more complicated, as we attempt to carve out our identities and show what makes each of us unique, and better than everyone else.
These short selections illustrate how those principles apply in specific situations.
REASONS FOR NOT WEARING BLACK
In the interests of determining the causes of a recent increase in nonconformity among hipsters, bohemians and poseurs, we wish to take a few moments of your time.
If you have decided not to be different, like everyone else in your circle, please indicate your reasons for declining to wear black. Please check all that apply.
Too cool.
Not cool enough.
Cool, but have low self-esteem.
[Insert color here] is the new black.
Pacific Islander is the new black.
Don’t look good in black.
Fear of a black wardrobe.
Trying to stand out.
No longer a ninja.
Prefer not to flaunt Satanism.
Like random patterns of soot and grit to show up on clothing.
Closet Goth.
Too conspicuous for lying passed-out drunk on snow.
Am all about nuance.
Rejecting patriarchal hierarchy of domination implicit in selecting one of two binary positions.
Afraid to commit.
Insufficient contrast with my tats.
Clashes with red Kabbalah bracelet.
Am Tom Wolfe.
HOPE FOR THE SHY
Max had to break out of his shell.
His plans were laid. Then Max, as well.
FOR A BOOKSTORE CLERK
I commend you, my black-clad
and multiply-pierced amigo,
for your ability to say,
in five languages,
Would you like a bag?
And I applaud you for
the diffident slouch
with which you signify
you’re only marking time
until your shift is over,
at which point you’ll embark upon
bacchanalian revels
and furies of creation,
maybe both at once.
Rimbaud, and Lou Reed, would be proud.
I congratulate you, likewise,
for the near-perfect rectilinearity
of your sneer—unsurpassed even by
Billy Idol’s facial hommage to Elvis—
that you apply with great liberality
to patrons who, not having
memorized the store’s layout
or this year’s Books in Print,
disrupt your reveries
by asking for assistance—
in short, people who have other jobs,
full-time at that,
such as the mother you don’t mention
without rolling your eyes
who goes to Mass twice a week
and nearly as often sends you a check
that lets you stay in this leisurely
if barely above minimum-wage gig
and take a course or two
while you decide on the medium
most worthy of your vision.
I am impressed.
But not half as much as you are.
Whatever your oeuvre turns out to be,
it’s not getting done
in the cafe down the street
where you smoke Gauloises
or nothing
and try, it seems
with varying success,
to get laid
rather than go home alone
to your garret
(one-bedroom, air-conditioned)
and stare down
a blank canvas or a page,
making something, anything, of it
or yourself.
Whether your genius—real or feigned—pans out
won’t turn the tides,
affect the fate of men and nations
or, for that matter, concern me much.
There’s already enough genius to go around,
and fair things that it doesn’t create,
like a thick steak, or Scotch
that’s older than you,
and far more wise.
In any case, the sun
will still rise in the east,
men will put their pants on
one leg at a time,
and by the time you’ve shuffled
off this mortal coil
and your name become
less than memory
California won’t have moved
enough to notice.
In the meantime, buddy,
give me my goddamn change.
FAILED WOMEN’S PERFUMES
Concubine
Kept
Trophy
Durian!
Tristesse de chien
Available
Cubic zirconium (also available as body wash and eau de toilette)
Stock in Trade
FAILED MEN’S FRAGRANCES
Eau de chevre
Paternity
Monastic
Last Call
White Belt
Sneaker
On Parole
Flop Sweat
Cold Cut
Nacho
Drone
Hatchet
Mid-management
Dacron
Steroid
Backne
Guido . . .
Engineer
IT Guy
FONTS THAT MAY SERVE AS INSULTS
Antique Olive
Baskerville Old Face
Elephant
Feymo10
Goudy Stout
Viner Hand
CHANGE OF SIGNALS
The bike courier
runs a red light and spills—hard.
Four corners applaud.
IN A WASHROOM STALL
Don’t wonder what I think of you
Or how you’ll try to answer.
There’s something else you have to do—
Beware the limbo dancer.
AN OPEN LETTER
Dear Persons Using of the Forums on the Internets, peculiarly the Craig List,
I am non-native English foreigner wishing informations.
Always I see messages with word or abbreviation STFU
and I am very confusing about this.
I know ST
is common abbreviation to word saint,
but FU
is mysterious to me. Who is this St. Fu? He getting more reference than your Jesus.
This makes me to be frustrated much when I no find anything about St. Fu from the search of Google.
So—who St. Fu? Where he born and what he did? What was making him such big deal?
Big deal he must be, too. Many times excitement point come after his name like this: STFU!
Also his