Memoirs of My Bipolar Aquarian Son

By Darlene M. Mattson

Memoirs of my now deceased bipolar Aquarian son, Cal. He had a complicated disposition during elementary and teen years, with physicians never having suspected a bipolar disorder, when in fact he was finally diagnosed bipolar at age 29. He had a remarkable IQ in certain arenas, but lacked common sense in others. He was witty and quick, and most entertaining. He loved, and was excellent at, writing poetry that he had hoped would someday be songs. Some of his sad, but amazing, poetry is included in this book. Music of all generations and orders was his world, but heavy metal was his style. His life was sad and emotionally hard, due to never having met his musically accomplished biological father; nor ever having had a respectable relationship with his adoptive father, and experienced many years of being raised by a single female parent, namely me, his Mother. He often hid his pain and continued to entertain until his tragic death in Los Angeles at age 41, leaving behind his 6-year younger sister, Jessi, a sibling who forever yearned for a more harmoneous relationship with her brother. Happy or sad, good or bad, I can justifiably label Cal "colorful!"

• Language: English
• Publisher: Darlene M. Mattson
• Release date: Dec 22, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311418944

Darlene M. Mattson

Retired female of 6 years, having raised two children in the beautiful, plentiful, and opportunity-filled city of Minneapolis, Minnesota, primarily as a single parent. Worked mainly in the administrative field of law for over 50 years, while raising both my colorful but troubled bipolar "Aquarian" son, who loved to write; and my 6-year younger daughter, who attained many rewarding years in the performing arts, went onward to college, subsequently owned her own sports clothing boutique in L.A., then ventured a Master's Degree in Psychology. I plan on spending the remainder of my retirement years in Florida reflecting on life and "writing" about same.

Book preview

A quote repeated by many from as long ago as Jackie Kennedy to today's Television host, Dr. Phil, is "A mother is no happier than her saddest child."

This writing is not only to tell Cal’s and my story, but to share a few deeply heartfelt poems left behind by my now deceased bipolar Aquarian son. As you read about Cal’s life, you will understand his writings. As you read his writings, you will understand his life!

I have had the poems copyrighted, with intentions of one day having the opportunity to plug one into the music world in consideration of Cal. I too love to write, so this writing is an attempt to bridge the gap between his absence and my desire to share his creativity.

Cal himself refused to relinquish any of his work to an established individual in the music or poetic arena who could have gotten his words out to the world for him, but life seemed to have conditioned him from a very young age to not trust anyone. Of course, he also wanted all the credit and glory to himself, and so it should have been. Fortunately, he is now and forever in a world free of worry – and presumably full of glory!

Yes, Cal intended his message-filled poetry to someday be songs. Even though having left only a few behind, the few tell it all.

Poems by Cal can be found within the following Chapters:

Positive Chemistry. . . . . . .. . .Prologue

Logical Observation. . . . . .. . .Ch 16

Mr. Realty. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ch 28

Telepathic Migrations . . . . . . Ch 30

Temple of Doom. . . . . . . . . . .Ch 45

My Flower. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ch 49g

Even when giving due and owing consideration to his having been a child born of instant divorce and single-parenting, there were years of mind-boggling questions. It was not only difficult to comprehend Cal at times, but somewhat bewildering to have been a parent of the unknown for all his growing years. It was painfully distressing to have to decide when to apply love versus tough love in instances whereby we had no idea were early stages of what was eventually presumed to be a bipolar disorder. As was realized down the road, Cal had become agonizingly torn with confusing and frustrating anxieties and emotions, which often resulted in him being perceived as difficult to communicate with and/or indifferent. The crux that confused both himself and others of us is that he had as many exceptional and quite normal traits as that of supposed bipolar traits.

No caliber of physicians ever suspected a bipolar condition for Cal throughout his childhood and teens, as he was always alert and quick to respond favorably to their questions or assessments – as was the case in most instances outside the medical world. It wasn't until his age 29 when finally diagnosed as having a bipolar disorder. This was a few years after having moved from our native home of Minneapolis to my current Florida residence in 1994, and after he had self-medicated for too many years to be willing or able to comply with doctors and/or meds. He did give the meds a chance, however, but that in itself complicated things even further, partly because of being merely on and off episodes – certainly not taking them when determined to party. I learned through seminars that oscillating between street drugs and meds has the most damaging effects of all.

I had long since learned that the disease is often not detectable as an illness until the inflicted individual's mid-20's, which seems to have fit the shoe for Cal. I have to admit, however, that I am still confused about the variables of whatever his chemistry was all about.

Regarding Cal's social world prior to his 20's, the yet unknown bipolar genes were of no consequence among his peers, as Cal was simply perceived to being the life of the party, with his extraordinary zest for life and entertaining abilities, which included the use of attention-getting words and phrases, such as Any sandwich potentials in the house? [with a silly smile on his face] – which, I later learned, is a typical trait of the bipolar personality.

Jessica - age 11 and Cal - age 17

1985 – heavy metal music era

POSITIVE CHEMISTRY

by Cal Mattson

Let’s improvise sincerely

As I express myself dearly;

Let’s captivate an illusion

And obtain a solution;

Let’s dispose of the animosity

And reconcile with generosity;

Allow me to guide you through the light

And introduce you to what’s right;

Let’s reciprocate the pleasure

And decrease bad weather;

Let’s take our fantasies and run wild

Then engage in something that’s more than mild;

For you are the mysterious beauty in the light

So forgive me if I don’t get it right;

I’m more than just a pioneer on this path

So calculate my direction by doing the math;

For I’d like to ignore our differences

And take into consideration only our preferences;

Let our inclination become compliant

While turning our project into a worthwhile assignment;

Through thick and thin, I still find you special

I’d like to embrace the idea of comforting you as being intentional;

Stringing me along by intertwining me with desperate needs

Is still constructing the foundation for which we take heed;

Exceptionalizing and cherishing our representation

Is continuing the power of trust at this very junction;

Putting emphasis on conquering all boundaries amidst the