Why Not, If It Works: Your Communication Guide to Building and Maintaining Your Relationship

By Dr. Otiz "O.T." Porter

International psychologist and life/relationship coach Dr. O.T. Porter educates you on the importance of (and methods for) candid and clear romantic relationship communication in Why Not, If It Works. Unlike many other preachy experts, Dr. Porter makes understanding the elements of romantic relationship communication practical, logical, simple, and clear – like talking to your best friend. The information Why Not, If It Works provides is sincere, trustworthy, and pragmatic. The book synergizes psychology with real-world examples and thought-provoking activities built from years of education and personal experiences. The content is bold, yet brief, and intended to build and maintain honest understanding through effective romantic relationship communication.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Dec 10, 2014
• ISBN: 9780990972709

Book preview

Enjoy!

Introduction: A Conversation with Lisa Lampanelli

The back story to this section of the book is simply that LL (as I lovingly call her) was originally asked to write a full introduction or a foreword to this book. Unfortunately, due to her hectic personal schedule and time restraints, she was not able to complete the writing. However, because she is awesome beyond belief, she did agree to have an audio recorded conversation, which you will read below, to use in lieu of writing the foreword or an introduction. The interview is ridiculously fun, funny, and insightful. If you have half the fun reading the interview as we had conducting it, then…well…you’re welcome. So please…enjoy the About the Author and Concepts conversation with Comedy’s Lovable Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli.

How long have you and I known each other?

It’s got to be somewhere around 12 or 13 years, right?

Yeah, I think you’re right. Maybe 1998 or 1999?

Yeah, it’s been almost 15 years.

So you have a pretty solid working knowledge of me as an individual.

Yes!

Do you typically find our discussions interesting or profound?

You know what, I do. I think you are a really unique person. I think you are very well-spoken. You are a thoughtful discusser of things. Meaning like, you don’t just ramble and try to find your point. You have a point and then make it. It’s not just Hey, let’s sit here for 20 minutes while I get to what I’m trying to say. You actually really get up on it. And your speaking always means something.

What would you describe as my best communicative quality?

You are very clear. You get it in your head and you say what you wanted to say. You don’t get to the point while you’re talking. Before you talk you know what you’re going to say. I hate muddied up communication. I am really like, Just fucking say what you mean. I can’t…like people stumbling over their thoughts.

I know it sounds cliché, but you’re a very good listener. I like that you listen thoughtfully. You never appear to be waiting for the other person to finish just so that you can say what you want. You actually appear to be really listening. So either you’re a really good actor and not listening or you’re actually legit.

It’s a combination. It all depends on how much I like you.

Well, there you go!

What do you believe best qualifies me to write a book about romantic relationships?

The fact that you have NEVER had a successful one. Just kidding! I love a gay who puts himself out there and doesn’t hide who he is. And pretty much anyone who’s lived it and walked the walk has a valid point to make. So, life experience, plus the fact that you’re honest, and you’re not trying to hide who you are. I think that kind of stuff…that’s what wins me over about [you]. Whether I agree with [you] or not – whether I agree with the advice [you] are saying or not – I’m like okay, [you’re] speaking [your] truth and I’m going to listen.

I toss around the word expert a few times in my book. Would you agree that I am expert level at communicating with people?

Yeah, I would say that you are really, really good at [communication with people]. I would say so. You don’t touch my level. But for a Black guy – you’re pretty clear spoken for a Black guy.

How do you believe I would fare as your life coach?

I mean, if I was in need of life coaching and wasn’t as perfectly developed as I am I would totally hire you. I honestly am not even bullshitting you, because I like you, so I would lie. But I’m not going to lie. I’m going to say I really think you would do well. I feel that you don’t really seem to have a gossipy nature, which I like. And that probably has nothing to do with life coaching. I just feel like you’re a trustworthy guy. I think you would do very well [as a life coach]. I would refer you to people, definitely.

See, that would be awesome. Because my next question was going to be would you hire me, because I need a job with full medical.

If I was a broke-ass motherfucker, I probably would hire your ass. But I would refer you to some of my gays, because some of my gays could really use some counseling, honey.

Tell them all to call me. Pass my number out like candy.

Yes. YES!

How essential do you believe communication to be in order to sustain a productive relationship?

It’s probably the most important thing because everything else stems from that. When you’re scared to talk about stuff – that builds up and there’s resentment. So I just think the minute something bothers you, the minute something needs discussing, you do it. And that’s key. Because all that happens is you harbor resentment and you hold against the person when you didn’t even give them a chance to say, Hey, things are going fine for me. Hey, things are cool with us. Don’t worry about it.

Say neither of you is happy with the sex life, it’s not about the bed, it’s about communicating about Are you ok with this? Am I ok with this? Hey, we have sex once a month. Is that ok with you? As long as you’re talking about it, nothing can do you any harm.

I think that’s so interesting and I use those words somewhere in the book.

It’s like you’re blaming the other person for something they don’t even know they did yet.

Exactly!

Which that clearly just means you’re being a woman or a gay guy.

Do you believe that I have a clear understanding about how different types of people communicate?

I’ve only seen you with some straighties. And you honestly seem to be able to communicate with the straights, especially butch guys. I mean you’ve dealt with Joe Bartnick, about the butchest guy I know, and you guys get along. He’s great. You obviously have a lot of gay friends who just really love you. You’ve dealt with straight women, because I have met you with other straight women and myself. And I got to say, if you’re going to talk about sexual orientation, you have a great ethnic group. I’ve never seen you with an Asian, but I trust that they’re just difficult for everybody.

I have like 2 Asian friends. One of them, nobody believes he is Asian, they all think he’s half-Black. He’s so urban.

Then you probably just like him because he’s [seemingly] half-Black. Because you’re racist!

What do you consider other crucial elements when someone is seeking out a relationship?

Sexual compatibility, whether you like to [have sex] once a month or once every three or four hours. I always love the whole fantasy of Oh, we were friends first and then I looked over when we were building a fence, and I was like, ‘I am so attracted to him’ and jumped his bones. But that never fucking happens. And if it does, there’s something wrong with you. I think it has to stem from there’s that little element of sexuality that you don’t have with other people. With me, I know it’s cliché, but a lot of it’s laughing and a lot of it’s humor. That, to me, is really important. Also, there’s that thing I was talking about with life coaching, where [the guy] either looks like [he’s] listening or actually listening. So you have to be a good enough actor to make a bitch believe you’re actually listening to her or just, you know, actually listen.

Do you believe that I am capable of helping people figure those things out?

I think so. I mean I don’t know what your relationships have been like, but they usually say that the most fucked-up people become shrinks and life coaches because they work on themselves. I think your curiosity, your researching of relationships, and researching how people relate will help you with that. But even if you’re in a crappy relationship, you can definitely help other people, because you know what you want to avoid. So, I think you could definitely do that.

Any closing thoughts that you want added to the book that I didn’t ask you about?

When it comes to relationships, leave the past in the past. That means no Facebook. Take enough separate time and enough alone time. If you’re the type of person that needs that and the other person won’t give it to you, [the relationship is] not going to work. If both people recognize that they need alone time, it’s just the best thing ever.

So there you have it, a loving and shining celebrity endorsement from a dear friend. If you can’t trust the words of a lovable, genius-level comic and celebrity like Lisa Lampanelli, then you clearly are un-American! Because in this country everything celebrities say (especially regarding praises of me) is completely accurate. Thank you again to LL for taking time to complete this interview and contributing to my work. And to those of you only reading this book because she took part in it: I still get the royalties! Thank you, also!

Author Introduction

Before I officially begin it is important that I explain what this book is not, because I do not want anyone getting the wrong idea about intended use of Why Not, if it Works. This book is absolutely not a guide to help you find a relationship, as that is not my responsibility. I also do not know you or your life well enough to write such an intimate text. However, after having read this book I sincerely believe you will be better equipped to build and maintain a romantic relationship that will stand the test of time. This book is a how-to guide that stresses building and maintaining communicative skills and abilities necessary for an enduring romantic relationship. Nothing more.

When setting out to write this book, I had no idea where the words would eventually lead me. I tried