Sex, Drugs, And Cubicles: What I've Learned From The Music Industry

By Michael Gilligan

Michael Gilligan is the owner of Fake Chapter Records. His work experience also includes over a decade at Sony Music and such indie labels as Matador and Gig Records. Along with contributions from recording artists and other industry insiders, his book 'SEX, DRUGS, and CUBICLES' explores breaking into the music industry, how quickly the industry changes objectives, and the madness of the corporate business model.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 11, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483543000

Book preview

Ransom

INTRODUCTION

By Michael Gilligan

Aside from a few summer gigs and some temp jobs, my entire career has been in the music industry. Despite a lifetime of getting used to it, I still cringe every time I’m asked the obligatory What do you do? question. This is mainly because half of the responses include the old favorite Oh yeah, I’m (or my family/friend is) in a band statement.

Really? Does it look like I give a fuck?!

Perhaps those conversations aren’t as annoying as the Hey, are you gonna sign these guys? joke that is made every single time I see a public performance such as at a wedding or karaoke bar, but it’s a close second.

Putting any cruelness or pet peeves aside, dealing with dreamers and wanna-be rock stars is an inescapable part of the industry. I just see a little more of it since owning an independent label attracts every musical loser like a magnet—like a Magnet Magazine in fact. And that’s truly where this book was first conceived.

The idea was born from an article I wrote for one of my favorite music publications, Magnet Magazine [Issue 79 Summer 2008]. The piece consisted of several e-mails from bands, singers and artists desperate to sign with my label. It was easy to gather as I had more than enough material to give the readership a cheap laugh. When writing my introduction (which I just reread and hate), I tried my best to downplay the mean spirited theme. I had to be fair. I’ve been in their shoes and produced my own share of embarrassing nonsense. I still have those early cassette tapes. I know not to listen to them.

But then I get reminded it’s not their dreams I’m poking fun at but their behavior. The reminder could come when seeing some prick with an ego the size of an arena playing the equivalent of my kitchen. It floods back when talking to a talentless, lazy performer who expects to succeed only because they dream it to happen (which is the main common trait I see on all those singing based reality shows, but I digress).

Or perhaps the reminder is when you come in contact with someone like this:

Dear Mrs. Beyonce Carter,

I wrote a truth entitled Soulful and it has done and is doing some cool things from stopping a man from committing suicide, assisted with a new engagement, helped some people in jail take responsibility for their own actions and decision making, I used it to get undecided voters to polls for this past election, it was really instrumental in helping President Obama win Ohio and right now I’m in the process of trying to team with schools and the anti-bullying campaign to see if I can help with that and that’s the short list.

I’m not sure how she found me. Since I worked at Sony, I obviously must have known Beyonce, and certainly could have passed this message onto her (surely for something this important, I need to make it happen). The above was only the opening paragraph of a FIVE page fax—always a good sign when the first paragraph is actually just one long run-on sentence.

Now, what do you think this Soulful project sounds like? Without listening to a note, I’m pretty sure it sucked. Maybe not as horrible as the sales pitch would lead you to predict, but I believe I did Beyonce a solid by not forwarding it on.

Even though I named this section Your Band Sucks, it doesn’t matter if Soulful sucked or not. It’s about the behavior this industry tends to drawout of people: delusion, stupidity and borderline psychopathic. I’m not quite sure how to classify it, but the result can be truly amazing to witness.

MAGNET MAGAZINEDEMO-LITION ARTICLE PART II

(IN OTHER WORDS, MORE OF THE SAME E-MAILS)

By Michael Gilligan

As stated in the introduction, this book started with the article I published in Magnet way back in 2008. If you’ve never came across it, then perhaps put the book down and give it a quick read or just make note to do so later. While I’m sure you can find print or online copies of the magazine somewhere, I uploaded a scanned .pdf to simply your life. http://www.fakechapter.com/magnet.pdf

While I never wrote another article for Magnet, the e-mails never stopped coming. Here are some other great ones, carefully hand selected from my inbox for your enjoyment. I tried to organize them into categories to make them a little easier of a read. I also removed names and the nonsensical bits but otherwise, they appear exactly how I received them.

MINIMAL

Many of the e-mails I received are absurdly direct. While most people prefer e-mails that get to the point, aren’t these supposed to be introductions? Isn’t this the start of a beautiful professional relationship? Maybe it’s me being picky but perhaps you can start with a greeting, try some punctuation, attempt to spell check and at least try (I say try because there’s a reason I used two editors for my book) to use correct grammar….

Subj: (none)

Date: 3/24/2003 11:02:40 AM Eastern Standard Time

where do I send my demo

Subj: (none)

Date: 12/16/2003 3:52:47 PM Eastern Standard Time

For Country and Gospel songs, visit my website.

Thanks.

Subj: hello, can I use this Email to show my opus to your boss

Date: 2/6/2010 12:27:40 AM Eastern Standard Time

It is very important!maybe, this is a amazing chance for the music of usa.please

Of course the above sampling excludes the HUNDREDS of e-mails received with absolutely nothing but a link. No subject, no message, no greeting, and (God forbid) no relevant information about who you are, what your group is about, or most importantly, why I should click on a link a stranger just e-mailed me and not expect it to be spam. Also, half of these e-mails fail to use the BCC function so I get the pleasure of seeing how many other record labels were given the same joy. The result of laziness or stupidity? I’m left wondering.

Besides these traits, I can’t tell you how many press kits I receive that won’t mention basic information such as where the band is from. It would be helpful to know if this band is from NY and I could see them live, or the Midwest, or from another country. It’s not even on their website and of course the band has no upcoming gigs. Surely it’s in their bio? Not always. How hard is it to write, Philadelphia’s Kyle Campbell is…. instead of just Kyle Campbell….(Hey Kyle, free plug!)

And if I see one more bio that reads something like Rock, Country, Folk and Pop. These are just some of the ways to describe Band X….., I will shoot myself in the face.

POORLY WRITTEN

I know, it’s hard to write a good cold pitch e-mail that really grabs someone, but for goodness sake, at least use punctuation!

In a message dated 2/3/2013 5:13:55 A.M. Eastern Standard Time

Good morning my name is (removed) and I have just started a music management company and representing to fantastic singers i understand you are looking for artist and was wondering if I could submit some of there material I’m based in the UK.

In a message dated 3/16/2014 5:14:46 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

(remove) is a un-signed indie rock band located in L.A.

They have over 20 million view on there single ‘morning light’ posted in march of 2012.

Please listen to them,and email me back with what you think.

Please give them my name if you talk to them about a record deal.

From a Fax:

…I bring out the true feelings of people through my music. I get a great reaction anywhere I play. Touching people is a fantastic feeling…

Haha—he said, touching. I know I make the same your/you’re and there/their/they’re mistake that everyone else does when I type too quickly, but I don’t make that mistake in a pitch e-mail that I (assumingly) read over at least twice before sending….

SELF-DEPRECATION

After all the spelling errors and grammar mistakes, my favorite common characteristic is the hidden self-deprecation. One sentence asks for money or to get signed, and the next confesses that I probably won’t like their music anyway. Countless e-mails interject towards the bottom a thanks for reading this far comment, a phrase that makes me suddenly realize I probably shouldn’t have read this far. It’s almost as if the e-mail reveals the practical joke and man, don’t I feel stupid. Everyone likes a humble artist, but it seems many are unaware of the difference between a quiet confidence and no confidence.

I even had an e-mail that ended with Please reply with something even if it is fuck off . Naturally, I promptly responded with a Thanks, fuck off ". I never heard back but I hope they at least smiled.

Subj: attn. a&r

Date: 4/9/2003 11:58:54 AM Eastern Standard Time

Dear sir or madam,

My name is (removed) and I have just partially completed my album. I’m looking for funds to complete the release and a distributing. Who do I talk to about this?

check out my band and let me know how much we suck thanks

Date: 11/9/2009 - message from myspace

I am an industrial musician, that aspires to bring alternative/avant-garde/atmosphere blend together.

Here is my band page. Listen to untitled it is 6 minutes long!

If you do not like that is fine exit out of the screen right now.

Sent: Thursday, August 12, 2010 5:23 AM

Subject: NEW ACT

hello

first of all THIS IS NOT A PRANK OR ANYTHING...JUST SERIOUS STUFF!

i know this awesome act named (removed)

she writes her own songs...she even sings them..

she’s 13

if u wanna know more,just reply...please ASAP

In a message dated 5/15/2013 10:23:04 A.M. Eastern

Daylight Time,

Re: Singer/Songwriter Demo

Hello,

My name is (removed) and I am a singer/songwriter with considerable self taught talent. Ive been recording for 6 months and since then have recorded over 30 songs, 9 of which are of great quality.

I know at some point I will find my niche, I just need to find the support to get me there.

GILLIGAN NOTES: Only 9 out of 30 are good? They’re batting over .300!

In a message dated 8/26/2012 8:02:05 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time

I am a solo Alternative rock artist from Crittenden KY, I’ve been trying to get signed for some time now but have had no luck.

Sent: 4/2/2012 2:40:16 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time

Subj: HI

I don’t know if you take on unaffirmed bands, I would really like it if you would listen to the material my band, but if you don’t have the patience for reading this, feel free to delete this email cause I also do not want to work with someone that has this way of thinking about music. I do though hope that you’re a normal person, and that you’ll take into account that on the other side there’s four people for who music is everything. As i said, I don’t know how you work but I hope that you’re able to work with a great band if you find one, no matter how unknown the band is. I don’t need anything else, my music is my worth. And here I have no fear, because I play safe, we have worked on our material for 8 years, and we have a full album of material, we haven’t said it’s done until we’ve been satisfied with every little detail about the band, I am not afraid to play my material alongside the best bands in the world, everyone knows when he has something good. This band is has an authentic sound which isn’t based on being trendy, we have worked to find true chemistry and honest expressing as a whole unit and that’s what makes this band something that will stand the test of time. We have a great relationship between us, and the attitude and the meanning of the lyrics is something behind we all fully stand. This band has a story and we are very well prepared for everything. We have recorded the album and it’s now being mixed by a very good producer. We’re perfectly rehearsed and live we sound exactly as we do on CD, I am confident