Destructive Release: Based on a True Story

By L.U. Ann

A single grain of sand produces a beautiful pearl. How can something so precious come from something so painful?

Grief-stricken, Lacey realizes reality has caught up to her.

Her silence has kept her trapped as if she was a frightened little girl. When Lacey finally speaks up, what she unburies will forever haunt her.

The choices she makes only seem to hurt those she loves. When Lacey tries to stand up for herself, she faces a choice. A choice she will be forced to live with for the rest of her life.

If life hands you more grief than happiness, and the guilt of letting someone down consumes you, what will it take to move on?

When sorrow threatens to drown her, will Lacey triumph over her inner demons to discover her own pearl?

• Language: English
• Publisher: L.U. Ann
• Release date: Nov 13, 2014

L.U. Ann

Author L.U. Ann recently moved to Colorado from the Eastern Shore of Maryland with her husband and two children. Life in Colorado is so much different. In Maryland you would find her in the garden tending to her vegetables and flowers, sea glass and shark tooth hunting once a week and enjoying the kids swimming in the backyard. Our lives took a drastic change moving to "Our Little House on the Prairie" at an elevation over 6,000 and the semi-arid climate makes it hard to grow anything. While barely anything can grow where she resides now, the wildlife makes up for it. Mountain Lions and coyotes and rattlesnakes, oh my! She tries to spend a little time each day writing but domestic chores around the house usually take precedence. She would much rather hide them from her husband. She tends to her loving four-legged friends, who at times become much too demanding when she locks herself in the office. This often results in MORE domestic work; cleaning up after their deviant behavior. At night, you’ll find her begging the kids to go to bed so she can catch up on the latest book before her sister can. Yes, she is an avid reader who escapes her chaotic but wonderful home to the feisty depths of romance land in search of her newest book boyfriend. Shh, don’t tell her husband! She is an artist by the grace of God. She worked as a set designer for six years, helping establish a local children's theatre where she was the scenery artist, set, and prop designer. Before that you would find her covered in paint so engrossed in painting a mural, time didn't exist. Graphic design is her guilty pleasure. Destructive Silence is her debut novel. It is one of three books in The Destructive Series. Each book will hit its reader with lots of angst hoping for a happily ever after.

Book preview

Prologue

When I was five years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life.

~John Lennon

A shiver erupts from the onset of cold air and it thankfully brings me back to the present where I quickly reach for the oversized warm towel. Stepping out of the shower, I squeeze the moisture wicking material closer. All the while, my body adjusts to the change in temperature. A fleeting glance of myself in the mirror halts any future movements. Although saddened by what happened, as a result of Caine, I cannot help but stare at my reflection as uncertainty overtakes me at this moment.

The person glaring back appears drained of some of the life she once held. The pranks, the dancing, and the laughter she shared with her best friend. She is gone. Has the person in the mirror grown up? On the other hand, could she have withered away? Eyes slowly roam the figure before me.

I am certainly very different from the naive teenager who failed miserably at escaping her past in nightclubs. What happened to her? The combination of desire and impulsive behavior significantly changed the course of my life. I will never regret Evan. He has helped me see life in a completely new brightness. He blesses me with his pitter-patter and incessant talk of this and that. I love watching him as he plays, inspecting each piece, discovering how things are indeed working. There is no telling what could happen if he got his hands on a few tools. I am sure most of the furniture would be in disarray and disassembled in no time.

The refraction of light glimmers and it pulls my attention to the blue diamond sitting on my left hand. It beautifully matches the eyes of the last man I will ever love.

My gaze falters as my fingers gloss over the bump that has grown. Yes, I have so much to be grateful and thankful.

Softly singing the words of Hallelujah in harmony with the song playing in the background, I step into the simple black knee length dress Becca helped me choose.

... And it pleased the Lord...

I settle on simple black ballerina slippers so I can keep up with Evan. Blindly, I reach for the beautiful silver eternity bracelet Devon gifted me. Placing it on my wrist, I reminisce of the afternoon he surprised me with it.

The water lapped the shore while we watched boats glide as they navigated the coastline. The large rocks where we laid a blanket and picnicked was glorious on its own. The shock of finding a bow adorning the box quickened my breath. What I found on the inside of the square container held nothing to my previously harmonious thoughts. An eternity sign with equal chain links on each side exalted any flickering thoughts of the intimidating man back at the house. Devon’s blue eyes sparkled so brightly they matched the open sky. The breeze bonded us in a swirl. The three of us were all that mattered. I am eternally grateful to have you and Evan in my life. His words warmed my heart and admiration grew stronger for the humble man—my husband.

Clasping the bracelet, I observe my mirrored image once more. Gloss fills my eyes as if floodwaters threaten to unleash. The magnitude of all that has transpired fuses to my memory. This irreplaceable piece of metal is something I will always cherish.

Hallelujah... Hallelujah...

Mommee, Evan cries as he scurries into my room, ripping off a hideous clip on tie.

What is it, Sweet Pea? I ask and squat to his level. Little sad eyes liquefy. Wiping his tears, I try to calm his trembles.

Aw, Beta, he points. I chuckle at the name he has given Becca, I watch her semi-amused form in the doorway that frames the Venetian Plastered bedroom walls. With a hand on her hip, she is hard-pressed to appear irritated. Evan came running to me. I smile back at her failed attempt. The earth-toned walls and old world style of the room compliment her dark, almost black hair in perfect curls. Stunning, she looks as if she just stepped off the runway.

Evan quickly hides his face from the world, mainly Becca, in the crook of my neck while the tie takes up residence on the spacious dark wood-planked floor.

Sweet Pea, you don’t need to wear the tie, but you will look so handsome. As the doorbell rings, Becca turns on her heels to answer. Evan, look at Mommy, I ask trying to steady him back on his feet. Smoothing out his light blue button up shirt, I admire just how beautiful my little man is. The shirt makes his eyes shine brighter. Becca did a great job dressing him. Well... Then there is a tie situation.

Tonight is a big night and Mommy needs you to be a big boy. Can you do that for me? I gaze into his beautiful blue tear-filled eyes.

He nods, sniffing. If you don’t want to wear this, I walk over to retrieve the tie, You don’t have to, but I bet all the other big boys will be wearing their ties. I try to explain, but then he hears the voice that makes his eyes brighten as if his favorite train character has come to life.

Grabbing the tie out of my hand, Evan leaves as quickly as he came in. His little voice shouting, Ran, Ran, Ran, elicits a happy smile to my face. He loves his Uncle Ryan, who fortunately has been around a lot lately.

With Evan’s attention quickly diverted, I slowly stand with my attention gravitating toward the floor length mirror. Hands smooth any stray wrinkles trailing the fabric of my dress gently running over the little bulge that has arisen. My heart warms knowing Devon is with me always. A small piece of him runs through my veins. His strength and love will shine on in our baby. I pray he or she will hold his beautiful piercing blue eyes.

Looking into the reflected stare, I take a chance to peer into the distant soul. How can a heart be so heavy and full of sadness when there is so much to be grateful for? When God has been so gracious in his blessings? I wish I could forget so much of the pain and just be happy. It is just so difficult to move forward, knowing all that has transpired. Worrisome occupies my thoughts too often lately. I am frightened to lose more, to make the wrong choice, or create more pain for the ones I love.

Half Chapter

Stumbling through the apartment, I reach the bathroom. Angry, I tear open the cabinet watching it break free from its top hinges to arrive at a rest swinging upside down.

I reach for the first bottle with trembling hands twisting off the top dumping the contents quickly into the toilet, the contents so small, yet so destructive. Satisfied, I grab the next bottle and continue. When only my inhaler remains, I throw it with all of my might against the pristine tiles on the shower wall.

These killed my mom. Someone prescribed her these medicines, taking a combination of God knows what, and that is why she is gone.

I hate medicine.

I despise doctors.

I fall to my knees and cry for my mom.

Chapter One

Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains and look forward to what’s coming next.

~Author Unknown

The piercing blue eyes are familiar, yet worlds apart. Heaviness pools in these mournful eyes. Oh, my God, it is not Devon. My Devon. Succumbed to confusion and detestable reality, Who are you? I shout, reprimanding the imposter. He steps closer, reaching for my arms, but I cannot take it. I want, no, not want, need... I need Devon! No one else is allowed to have me in his or her arms.

Lacey, stop it! Becca roars, demanding my immediate attention to stop. The twists and turns my heart is experiencing is unfair. I turn to my best friend for answers, just as the sky begins to open, allowing the first drop of rain to hit the sacred sheets that hold the last remaining part that I have of my husband.

It’s Ryan. Becca hesitates, shielding her eyes from the light falling droplets. It’s his brother, Lacey. What? The similarities are recognizable under closer examination—matching jaw line, nose, but the shape of his piercing eyes are slightly different. There is a scar above is right eyelid. NO! Why can’t it be Devon? My temples throb from the confusion of reality.

He takes another step in, closing the gap, creating stagnate air so thick it is harder to breathe. Once I got the news of my brother, five days ago, I was granted immediate leave from my assignment in Germany to come home, the man with so many of the familiar features I long to see says, but the pain suddenly flares its intensity hearing his voice. The eyes reflecting hold a knowing agony behind them. Unbeknownst, I am startled as his arms engulf me in a hug. I cannot make myself return the gesture. My arms are carrying something too precious.

The grey, ominous clouds that block the beautiful sun rays create a low-lying ceiling. It blankets the earth with the threat of a foreboding evil. My grief, a menacing parallel, suffocates my heart. A gust of wind pushes me forward, plastering my soft cotton top and black yoga pants against my back. Wisps of raven strands dislodge from the clip and frame my vision. If my arms were not holding the valuable sheets, I would secure the bothersome strands.

Unaware of how much time has passed because time does not exist, Becca interrupts my consumed thoughts. Lacey, you need to focus. Her sad eyes plead with mine, recognizing the disappointment knowing I wish it were Devon and not his brother. "Love, please do exactly what I say and we’ll have your little boy home late tomorrow night. Ryan knows about our plan and will be picking us up in the morning," Becca stresses. Her voice cracked. Is she nervous? Is meeting Ryan like this too much? Does she like him? All of these people trying to get Evan home. He has so much love and support behind him. I take a step back, eyes instantly falling to the little pebbles of gravel as my foot disturbs their resting place under each sweep. Shame becomes too palatable. My grief did not put Evan first. I could potentially lose something else very precious, and that is all I need to concentrate on right now. Evan does not deserve a mom unstable or one who does not think clearly and of her child first. I thought I was protecting Evan by not contacting the authorities. The last thing I ever believed would happen was more heartache and loss. How much can one person take?

Ryan? I faintly question using a hand to block the flowing strands hovering over my face.

Yeah? he asks with grief-stricken, tired eyes kindly giving me attention.

Is he really gone? I weep, barely registering the thought I just queried.

I don’t know. Nevertheless, please do not give up on him. They’ve only found two bodies. There’s optimism in that. He draws his heavy brows. Isn’t there? he awaits an expectant response. Maybe it’s a look of hope that he’s not the only one holding out Devon will return. Where are his parents? Why haven’t they come to help us get home? His dad knows why we’re here. My head hurts too much to think about all of this right now. I need to hold Evan and know he’s safe.

I nod solemnly walking to Becca and the car that is taking me away from the cottage, my memory, my love.

Lacey? I turn back to the gloomy brother unable to speak from the plethora of thoughts overtaking my mind.

I want you to know my parents are having a rather hard time coping with the plane crash. However, they are worried about you and Evan. They have asked me to make sure the two of you safely return home. I’m going to do everything I can to help finish what my brother was trying to do. He hesitates, takes in a mysterious breath, and then continues. I’m sorry. We’re meeting for the first time like this, Lacey. I’ll see you in the morning. I give him a tight, sad smile, turn and embrace the small confines of the car, hoping they can somehow comfort me. I bring the sheets to my nose and close my eyes, allowing memories to return to the last night I had my forever as Becca takes me to my future. Evan.

It does not take long before we arrive at the guest quarters where Caine has been staying with Evan. In need of a moment to gain my composure, before stepping out to deal with this nightmare, I rest my hand on the doorknob, but it was yanked it from my grip revealing one distraught Caine. Is Evan okay? I beg for an answer. His irritated snarl is making me immediately think something might be wrong. Oh no, that cannot happen! I will die if that is the case.

Yes, Lacey, he’s fine, Caine states, sounding irritated, so I study his milk chocolate eyes framed by the thick lashes that once melted my heart. Lacey, I need to talk to you. I peek over at Becca whose raises her eyebrow apologizing for what I need to do. I do not want to talk to Caine. Not while I am teetering on the brink of an emotional meltdown.

Lacey...? Caine calls my name again, but with more eagerness this time. Dammit!

Uh... I will, ah… All right, I give in and slide the sheets into the center console giving Becca a look to bring them in for me. Thankfully, we have not lost the ability to speak with our eyes. I step out and deftly fall in step with a barefoot Caine. It is only misting now. Inside and down the hallway into his bedroom, he motions for me to go ahead of him. I want to hurry this conversation up so I can hold Evan. Going in here is safe, right? I can hear Grandma Pain talking to Evan from the room I have been using. I hear the door click. Turning around confirms Caine closed the panel door. His larger muscular body fills the room. What do I do now?

Have a seat. He gestures to the bed. Is there another place to sit? I ask myself looking around the scarce blandly decorated room. Lacey, come on. We share a child together. We can sit on the same damn bed. Twirling my ring, I repeat Devon’s words in my head: ‘I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you forever.’ Strength gathered from his words, I sit on the rough, outdated comforter. We need to talk about everything that’s happened.

We do, I concur and continue to slide the ring. I feel the courage emanating from Devon to stand up to this man. If only Devon were here right now. We had the world upon us, but it disappeared. It was within reach ready for us to grab hold, but slipped out of my grasp only to be cruel enough to give me a taste of what could have been. And what will never be...

Caine sinks into the spot to my right. The familiar scent takes me back. I know that it’s hindsight, but why did I feel so safe with him when all along I did not know the colors of his true character? Leaning forward, he rests his arms on his jean-clad knees. His tee shirt hugs his body as it always has. I want to apologize for taking Evan away while you were grieving your mother’s death. The ring twirling stops. He has my attention now. Is he going to do the proper thing here? I know I have become an asshole. I want to tell you something I’ve never told you before.

I silently twirl the ring again allowing him to speak all the while I thank the heavens for giving him a heart.

The night I met you was not the first time I saw you. Oh, what on earth does this have to do with anything at present? Questionably, I sit waiting for the moment I can walk away on my knobby, weak legs. Every weekend I looked for you, needing a glimpse of your beauty, owning the dance floor. I have been jealous of so many people just for admiring you. I wanted you, but knew you were much too good for someone like me. The night I approached you, I couldn’t help myself. I needed to know what it would feel like to touch you, to smell you, to taste you. What the hell? Gross! My heart shrivels at his inappropriate and outlandish words. I do not want to hear this—I am married to Devon. He abruptly stops, throwing his head in his hands, consumed by something troublesome.

I should’ve just left you alone, he laments. I shouldn’t have ever brought you into my fucked up world, but after that one dance, Lacey, it was too late. I was a goner, and there was no way I was going to let you go. I knew I had to have you regardless of the consequences. Heaving another maddened sigh, he continues. Problem is, I came from a fucked up childhood and allowed myself to treat you the way I saw the number of men that came in and out of my mother’s life treat her. I’m sorry, Lacey.

My blood boils as I halfheartedly listen with my thoughts reverting to the hateful Caine. I have no desire to sit here and listen to the bullshit. The wounds are still fresh from when he cut me open with his cruel words and vicious acts. It was not too long ago.

Caine, I’m tired, and I want to spend time with Evan. Can we just wait until tomorrow to talk? I begin to stand before he pungently yanks me back down.

Lacey, I demand you to fucking listen to me for once. I’m making an attempt to tell you how sad and sorry I am for taking Evan. My gaze catches his exasperation in the reflection staring at me. I cannot deal with this. "How do you suppose I feel? Dammit, Lacey, listen! He raises his voice. I’ve lost everything else already. I was your husband, Lacey! His hostile voice grows. But you don’t care about me, do you? I’m fucking trying here and you won’t give me a chance." Caine throws his hands up in frustration. Please Caine, as if that is ever going to cause me to listen. Numbness consumes me.

I gave you more than one chance, Caine. I loved you at one time, but I’m not in love with you. I express with very little emotion needing to calm his anger.

Bullshit, Lacey! His booming voice startles me. There is no fucking way you aren’t in love with me. I have been there for you. I’m the one who was by your side for six weeks talking to your lifeless body. His facial muscles harden resembling the narrowing eyes. I was the one who didn’t know if you were going to wake up or if Evan would grow up without a mom. Where was your dead husband then? he spitefully spits causing my head to snap.

I stare at the hateful person before me, wondering how he could be so vicious. We don’t know that for certain, Caine! I shout at the bastard. I’m holding onto a sliver of hope that he’s coming back to me and Evan. I emphasize the ‘v’ as the syllable vibrates through teeth biting into my lower lip. His words cut deep and hurt. Understanding a number of the choices I have made over the last couple of years has not been wise, but a few were some of the best decisions I have ever made. My poor judgment began a long time ago, perhaps as far back as when I was eight years old. I would like to think I am learning from my mistakes.

My head lowers, hanging as if it springs from the hinges holding it together. I shut my eyes closing off the world. With balled fists, I fall over driving them into my eyes as I struggle to hold back the tears spilling too generously. My defiant emotions are unstoppable. There seems to be no ending to the despair raging within my veins.

Lacey, he moves closer. I can feel his breath and my repulsion immediately sets in. I need to get up. I need to leave, but there is not one thing I can do to move the lead filling my body. Thoughts consume and lacking concentration on the current state of affairs. I want you to stay here with me and Evan. He moves to kneel in front of me and continues. Let’s finally be a family. I’ve made a terrible mess of things. Nonetheless, I know we can move past this, Lacey. Please forgive me, baby, please. I love you, he stresses with begging soft eyes, and I want to spend the remainder of my lifetime with you. His hands cup my face, lifting it as if it is a skeleton, and easily manipulates its subject to his every whim. Our eyes meet again for a moment. Please say you’ll stay with me, Lacey, and we can live happily forever after. Forever. Mine is gone.

Before I grasp what is happening, his lips are on mine. The need to evacuate the situation sets in. I pull away and shake my head, hoping Caine will understand and get the hint. I do not want to get into this with him. My grief has left me weak. I just want to gather my baby’s things and be on my way with the one who will forever help me wake up every morning. My mind whirls like images in a kaleidoscope.

Caine’s threatening stare bore holes into my sad eyes. Why are you fucking pulling away every time, Lacey? He leans in returning his lips to mine where they were evicted previously.

Please, Caine, I can’t, I cry. Dammit. I struggle as the weakness overpowers my mind, body, and soul. I do not know how I am going to…

Blackness... Silently drifting, it’s a soothing contradiction. A blissful state compared to the emotional hell I have been battling.

Lacey, you need to wake up, sweetheart. A distant voice pulls me closer. Please wake up for me, Sugar. Sugar Pants? It was all a dream. Oh, my God. It is Devon!

I’ve missed you so much. I surrender just before our lips lock. A knot swells in my stomach, something is not right. You’re here, I cry in echoes of joy.

I’m right here, Lacey. You miss this, don’t you? Pause. You can’t deny how fucking fantastic this feels. Pause. Your gorgeous body was built just for me. I know you want this as much as I do. The excited impression rubs and sends my mind whirling. Coolness tickles my skin where my shirt usually resides. I don’t remember taking it off. Hands roam freely covering as much space as possible. My hands blindly trail along the strangely familiar muscle ridges on his back and I pull him closer.

I need you, Devon. All of a sudden, a cold chill attacks my skin. His body jerks away. I open my eyes and it is Caine. Argh! What the hell are you doing, Caine? My arms fly to cover the discernible layer, evident of my wrongdoings.

What do you mean what the hell am I doing? We were fucking making out, and then you called me that shit-face’s name. You passed out, and I was waking you when you instigated all of this. He pins me with a menacing stare.

Oh, no, this cannot be. Caine, let me up. I cry while strong hands reach for mine rapaciously throwing them to the sides of my head. My stomach lurches in defense.

You’re not fucking going anywhere, Lacey. I close my eyes from his venom. "Open your damn eyes.