Baby Not on Board: A Celebration of Life without Kids
By Jennifer L. Shawne and Anoushka Matus
3.5/5
()
About this ebook
Jennifer L. Shawne
Jennifer L. Shawne is a writer who lives in Oakland, California. This is her first book.
Related to Baby Not on Board
Related ebooks
Kids Are Turds: Brutally Honest Humor for the Pooped-Out Parent Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHow to (really) be a mother Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHow to be Content in a World Full of Malcontents Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsChildless Living: The Joys and Challenges of Life without Children Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Childfree Happily Ever After: Why more women are choosing not to have children Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Childfree: Guide for Understanding. 50 popular questions with answers + 50 short life stories Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Childfree Society Club Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5What?! You Don't Want Children?: Understanding Rejection in the Childfree Lifestyle Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Families of Two: Interviews With Happily Married Couples Without Children by Choice Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Childless Revolution Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Do I Have To Be A Mother?: A Memoir Of Love And Searching For Female Identity Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Truth About M(O)therhood: Choosing to be Childfree Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn't Happen Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDo You Secretly Hate Being a Mother? So Do Thousands of Other Mothers Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Other Than Mother - Choosing Childlessness with Life in Mind: A Private Decision With Global Consequences Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Pride And Joy: The Lives And Passions Of Women Without Children Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Where's My Happy Ending?: Happily Ever After and How the Heck to Get There Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLost in Motherhood: The Memoir of a Woman who Gained a Baby and Lost Her Sh*t Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsI Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPortraits of Childfree Wealth Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5All About Love: A Guide To Evolving Relationships Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGrowing Up Fat In A Skinny World Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThings a Mother Discovers (and no one talks about) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined Women Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Not Every Woman: Questions Answered By Women 40 Plus Years Old, Never Married, And Childless Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSingle is the New Black: Don't Wear White 'til it's Right Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Humor & Satire For You
Sex Hacks: Over 100 Tricks, Shortcuts, and Secrets to Set Your Sex Life on Fire Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dad Jokes: Over 600 of the Best (Worst) Jokes Around and Perfect Gift for All Ages! Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5101 Fun Personality Quizzes: Who Are You . . . Really?! Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/51,001 Facts that Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best Joke Book (Period): Hundreds of the Funniest, Silliest, Most Ridiculous Jokes Ever Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love and Other Words Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Go the F**k to Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best F*cking Activity Book Ever: Irreverent (and Slightly Vulgar) Activities for Adults Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything I Know About Love: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Solutions and Other Problems Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Garbage Pail Kids Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Killing the Guys Who Killed the Guy Who Killed Lincoln: A Nutty Story About Edwin Booth and Boston Corbett Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Soulmate Equation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Can't Make This Up: Life Lessons Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5My Favorite Half-Night Stand Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dating You / Hating You Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Don't Panic: Douglas Adams & The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Related categories
Reviews for Baby Not on Board
18 ratings2 reviews
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This isn't a book for people looking to decide whether or not to have kids - it's a book for people who have already made the decision. It's a humorous book, not meant to be taken seriously. In all honesty, the decision to not have kids is one not easily accepted by friends, family, or even strangers, and this book allows us to laugh at it a bit - it's just a lighthearted look at a child-free lifestyle. It's a fun little reminder about the positives of the decision and a offers a bit of encouragement... proud nonparents are often the misunderstood minority, and this book makes us part of its "in" crowd - we finally get the chance to be the ones poking a bit of fun at others. It's not a laugh-out-loud book; it's a smile-knowingly kind of book.
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5This is kind of cute, some of it boring. It's like a cosmo mag on being childfree. It's got quizes and jokes, but no real substance. Not something I'd recommend. If you plan to purchase a book to help you decide to have kids or not I recomend 'Childfree and loving it' instead.
Book preview
Baby Not on Board - Jennifer L. Shawne
Copyright
Introduction
Congratulations are in order!
THE DECISION not to have children is never an easy one, but now that you’ve made it, feel free to commence celebrating. Because while new parents’ happiest day may be the day their child was born, for you it’s the day your child isn’t born.
HEY, THAT’S EVERY DAY!
SO, CONGRATULATIONS! Welcome to the club! This book will guide you through what to expect when you’re not expecting—from confirming your childfree status and communicating the big news, to the many lifestyle and career benefits your unencumbered state confers. You’ll find practical advice on making the most of life in their world, appropriate ways to deal with OPCs (Other People’s Children), even nonreproductive means of passing along your DNA. Helpful tips and ideas cover a wide range of hot unparenting topics, including how to convince your baby-lovin’ mate that three’s a crowd, adopt a delightful child substitute, and ditch pals who turn into scary Zombie Parents. All of this is served with a generous helping of fun. After all, what could be more enjoyable than waking up late on a Saturday morning and realizing you’ve got nothing to do and nobody to look after other than your sassy little self? Nothing. That’s what.
YEAH, THERE’S SOME making fun of babies and parents in this book, too. They’re such easy targets, who could resist? What you won’t find, though, is any mean-spiritedness. Without kids screaming in their ears all day and emptying their wallets, childfree folks really have very little to be nasty about.
SO, ARE YOU READY to start making the most of life without baby? What are you waiting for? Turn the page!
We’re so happy for us!
Guess What?!
Sharing the big news
CHOOSING NOT TO have children is one of the most important and exciting choices you will make in life, and it’s certainly one you’ll want to share with the people closest to you once the decision is final. In most cases, your announcement will be greeted with squeals of delight, tears of joy, and congratulatory champagne toasts. Alas, a handful of people may cling to the outdated notion that having kids is right and good, while not having them is flat-out freaky.
IF YOU DON’T WANT to let a few misguided fuddy-duddies spoil your happiness, you’re going to have to embrace your childfree persona. Come out with a shout, not a whisper. You have a lot to celebrate! By saying no
to offspring, you are saying yes
to living your own life to the fullest. And you’re in good company, as the list of childfree heroes in this chapter proves. Like Oprah and Dr. Seuss, your sunny outlook is sure to impress even the biggest skeptics. Who knows? You may become the inspiration for a whole generation of unparents!
Are You Really Ready to Announce?
Once you’ve told people that you’re not having children, it can be awkward and embarrassing to change your mind, so you’ll want to be absolutely sure of your choice before sharing the happy news. This quiz is designed to help you determine whether you should tell the world or keep it secret for a little while longer. The good news is there’s no rush. In fact, taking your time —say three months—will help you solidify your decision and spare you a humiliating about-face later on.
1 Your tubes are:
A) Tied.
B) Retired.
C) Flowing with fertility.
2 How long have you known you didn’t want to have children?
A) Since I was a zygote.
B) Since last week, when that screaming sprog in the supermarket bit my leg.
C) It’s not that I don’t want to have children …
3 Have you ever forgotten
to use birth control?
A) Never! What a ridiculous question!
B) Yes, the scariest day of my life.
C) Oops, I did it again.
4 Your co-worker wheels his darling little whippersnapper into the office. Where are you?
A) Cowering under your desk. Won’t somebody please make it stop?
B) Headphones on, volume up, eyes tightly affixed to the monitor.
C) Cooing in a clump with the rest of the baby-lovers.
5 If you were to tell your closest gal pal, I’m having a baby!
how might she respond?
A) Five minutes later, she might be able to stop laughing.
B) What, have you lost your mind?
C) One of us! One of us! Gooble gobble!
6 How many doors does your car have?
A) Car? What is car
?
B) 2–5
C) 6+
7 What would it take to childproof your home?
A) A tornado, for starters.
B) A crackerjack team of experts.
C) Foam padding on a few sharp edges, et voilà!
8 In your daydreams about having a child (however rare), to which of the following is your progeny most similar?
A) Rosemary’s baby
B) Urkel
C) Mini-Me
9 Are you currently raising a dog or other child substitute
? (For examples, see pages 124–29.)
A) No way! Dogs are almost as much work as kids.
B) No, but I’d like to someday. A friendly pup is a perfectly good alternative to a baby.
C) Yes, and I’d love to have more. I’m a born nurturer.
SCORING: Give yourself one point for every A answer, two points for every B answer, and three points for every C answer. Write your total here. __________ Now complete the following section.
Give yourself one point if you’ve publicly used any of the following words to describe someone’s baby:
A) Devil Spawn
B) Parasite
C) Brat
D) Monster
E) Poop Factory
F) Yard Ape
Subtract a point for each of the following that you can identify*:
A) Tinky-Winky, Po, Laa-Laa, Dipsy
B) I Like You, You Like Me
C) Potty Training Awareness Month
D) The name of the machine that makes diaper sausages
E) A doula?
Total score:________
24–33 No doubt about it, you are bursting with unbabyness! So what are you waiting for? Get on the horn and tell everyone the exciting news.
14–23 You’re clearly ready to become an unparent. Make preparations to let everybody know. Start by dropping hints, and in a couple weeks share the big news!
4–13 It’s not that you’ll never be a happy childfree member of society; it’s just that there still may be some doubt in your mind. Take some time to evaluate your feelings before you announce.