The Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies

By Ann Marie Walsh

Hattie Cross knows what you're thinking: Zombie sex? Ewwwww. But she also knows that since a virus turned 99.9999 percent of human males into zombies, it's statistically impossible to meet--let alone date--the remaining 0.00001 percent. So she writes "The Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies" to help her fellow single women navigate the zombie-relationship waters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: IndieReader
• Release date: Feb 9, 2012
• ISBN: 9780984901814

Book preview

Lynn Messina is author of eight novels, including the best-selling Fashionistas, which has been translated into 15 languages. Her essays have appeared in Self, EW and the New York Times, and she’s a regular contributor to the Times’ Motherlode blog. She lives in New York City with her husband and sons.

Praise for Lynn Messina’s Novels

FASHIONISTAS

Delightfully witty. —New York Daily News

"Fashionistas has genuine style.… Forget about simply telling the boss to go to hell; Messina’s accomplished something funnier and darker." —Time Out New York

Messina’s tale is a hip and funny parody of trendy magazines and the people who toil at them. —Booklist

"Well-written, funny and sharp. —Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Messina’s prose is witty and assured. —Publishers Weekly

TALLULAHLAND

A sweetly comic story of love and healing. —Publishers Weekly

Smart and sassy, affecting and engaging. —Meg Cabot

MIM WARNER’S LOST HER COOL

We love this look at the cool-making biz. —Entertainment Weekly

LITTLE VAMPIRE WOMEN

Those who have [read the original] will be delighted by Messina’s clever and loving spoof, replete with excellent wordplay. —Booklist

The author’s prose style is sharp.… Quite humorous. —School Library Journal

Messina flawlessly maintains the flavor of the original.… Those in on the joke will savor its sanguine execution. —Bulletin of the Center of Children’s Books

The Girls’ Guide

to

Dating Zombies

Lynn Messina

potatoworks press

greenwich village

THE GIRL’S GUIDE TO DATING ZOMBIES. Copyright © 2012 by Lynn Messina.

All rights reserved. Cover design by Ann-Marie Walsh.

www.zombiedating.wordpress.com

www.lynnmessina.com

For information on Potatoworks Reading guides, please visit

www.potatoworks.wordpress.com.

For zombie lovers everywhere

Contents

From The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies Introduction Why Date a Zombie?

The Sweet Treat Sofa

Welcome to the Zombpocalypse

From The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies Chapter 1 Man Versus Zombie: The Epic Battle

It’s Date Night Again

Masturbation Girl

From The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies Chapter 5 Zombie Hot Spots: Where to Meet the Love of Your Life

The Intervention Will Be Broadcast

Carnage

The Meet Market

Indignant Curlicue

From The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies Chapter 9 Huh?: Understanding the Complicated Language of Zombies

Lopsided Hearts

Café Royale Mocha Latte Groin

Reporter. Barfly. Spook.

Mrs. Styler’s Daughter

From The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies Chapter 13 Let’s Get It On: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Zombie Sex But Were Too Grossed Out to Ask

South Mole Street

The Rox-z and Roll

Nonmutated UGT1A1

From The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies Chapter 21 Take That! Prescriptions for a Healthy and Well-Adjusted Zombie

Hockey Stick Growth

World Domination

Crestwood Drive

Zombie-ramba-roo

Protocol 33GS

West Lab 4

Mesencephalon Regionalization

Girlzilla

Class 3 Suspicious Character

Deputy Director

Variant X

The High-Fiber Breakfast Hour Redux

From The Girls’ Guide to Dating Dezombified Human Males Introduction Why Date the Dezombified?

Acknowledgements

From The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies

Introduction

Why Date a Zombie?

IF YOU’VE BOUGHT THIS BOOK, then you’re either dating a zombie or thinking about dating a zombie. You know that in this postblight world, your chances of getting hijacked by a terrorist, being staked to a bamboo pole in the Heilongjiang Province of Inner Mongolia and having your spleen eaten by a saber-tooth tiger are eight times greater than meeting one of the estimated 344,923 men left on the planet.

You’re a practical young woman who isn’t willing to waste her time on impossible fantasies sold to her by the Hollywood dream machine.

Welcome to the rest of your life.

Naturally, as sensible as you are, part of you can’t help but wonder if dating a zombie is settling. Can’t a woman like you—smart, funny, attractive, kind—do better than an animated clump of rotting flesh that lives only to consume brains?

No, you can’t.

With 99.9999 percent of the male population transformed into zombies, all that are left are animated clumps of rotting flesh that live only to consume brains.

But you don’t have to be a glass-half-empty girl. Your cup runneth over. You just have to be able to see it.

And that’s why you’re reading The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies.

This book will help you understand and navigate the challenges and rewards of the zombie-dating lifestyle. You’ll learn how to…

Meet zombies. Discover where they hang out and who they hang out with. The best zombie hot spots are just around the corner!

Talk to zombies. Chatting with the reliving is easier than you’ve ever imagined! All you need to know are a few key phrases and you and a zombie can have hours of deep, meaningful conversation.

Dance with zombies. They might not have brains but, boy, do they have rhythm. Master the step-drag-step of their beloved merengue and dance the night away with the zombie of your dreams.

Make love with zombies. Physical contact doesn’t have to be icky or gross. With the right accessories and hygiene products, the fetid flesh of a zombie can smell as lovely as a rose garden.

Cohabitate with zombies. Zombieproofing your home has never been so easy! A few simple changes will make your living room a safe environment for any zombie, however oblivious to fire, sharp corners and the precious Ming vase your grandmother left you.

Medicate zombies. Medication is domestication. All a zombie needs to be a productive member of society is the right dosage. The chart in chapter 21 makes it easy for you to figure out which pills your zombie needs and when.

Remember, at the heart of every relationship is companionship, and this is what zombies provide—in spades.

Zombies are steady.

Zombies are reliable.

Zombies are here.

Plus, they love to go shoe shopping (more about that later!).

I’m not saying that zombies are better than men. Perish the thought! But men are gone and now we women have to do what we’ve done since time immemorial: Make the best of what we have.

And it’s a pretty darn good best!

Trust me, I know. I’ve been having satisfying zombie relationships for more than three years and with the help of this book, you will too. Turn the page to get started right now.

The Sweet Treat Sofa

THE HIGH-FIBER Breakfast Hour’s Sweet Treat segment kicks off every morning with a flashing red light, a piercing police siren and a dancing pink panda carrying a sign that says, I LOVE HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP FLUFF FROM FUNFOODS, across the set. The crowd hoots and hollers because everyone loves a pink panda hopped up on sugar.

The director points to the host, who smiles into the camera as it cuts to her from the audience. "Good morning and welcome back to The High-Fiber Breakfast Hour. Joining me on the luscious pink sofa today is an extra sweet treat for you: Hattie Cross, author of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. Delia Fortune, a former Miss America with a towering strawberry bouffant and sparkling superwhite teeth, turns to me with a searching look. Hattie, we have lots of ground to cover, but I’m going to get right to the nitty-gritty and say, Zombie sex. Ewww."

I laugh. It’s completely forced and fake, but I’m on a national morning show with a pink panda and a strawberry bouffant. If I can’t roll with a few ewwws, then I should have stayed in bed. Fair enough. The thought makes a lot of women go ewww. I look to the audience. Am I right?

The response is mixed. Some women clap, but an almost equal number boo. I’m not surprised. Zombie sex has been around for almost as long as variant Y zombies.

I can tell from the response that some of the ladies here have tried it. Another round of cheers follows. I’ll admit that sex with a zombie isn’t the ideal situation. The ideal situation is sex with a human male. Who here has had sex with a human male?

Dead silence.

None of us, right? Because human males haven’t existed for the average woman in twenty years. So if you keep that in mind, zombie sex isn’t bad at all. It can certainly be more satisfying than masturbation. I turn to my host with a twinkle in my eye. "I’m sorry. Can I say masturbation on morning TV?"

Delia twinkles back. Of course. It’s 2020. You can say anything. But let’s get really real: Zombies smell. They lose body parts. Their flesh is decaying.

I nod profusely. "All valid points. However, with the right drug regimen, these conditions can be controlled. For example, Zombreeze neutralizes zombie smell from the inside. It can even make your boyzomb smell like roses. I devote an entire chapter to zombaceuticals in my book."

I’m glad you brought up drugs. Isn’t it true that you have to medicate zombies for them to have sex? Doesn’t that underscore how unnatural the act is?

All living and reliving things have a sex drive, I explain. It’s the basic nature of the beast. Sure, you have to use certain chemical stimulants in order for the zombie to perform physically, but the drive is there. Think of the late-twentieth-century male suffering from erectile dysfunction. It’s the same principal.

The audience cheers again. All right. But kissing. You have to admit that’s pretty gross.

Oh, completely, I say with girlish glee. The effort of being so aggressively upbeat is starting to make me lightheaded, but I stay the course. Kissing a zombie isn’t for everyone. It’s certainly not for me. But that’s a decision each woman should be free to make. Again, I refer you to late-twentieth-century practices that some women chose to perform and others didn’t. I think of kissing as the equivalent of what used to be described as swallowing. I nod to the audience. You know what I’m talking about, right?

The cheers turn into howls and last a full thirty seconds.

Delia quiets the audience with a wave. All right. We’ve talked about the worst part of dating a zombie. Now let’s talk about the best. What tops the list?

Never having to sit by the phone waiting for him to call. No mind games. No wondering if he likes you or doesn’t like you. No obsessing, I say, referring to the common neurotic female practice that was at the heart of dating human males two decades ago.

I can get behind that, Delia says.

So I’m starting to win you over?

She tips her head slyly but doesn’t concede anything. How many women would you say in the United Provisional Authority are dating zombies? Just how big a phenomenon is this?

According to a survey conducted by Geiser and Meyser Zombaceuticals, thirty-eight percent of heterosexual women worldwide are currently in zombie relationships, I say. And that number is growing daily. More and more women are realizing they have no other options and are opening themselves up to new experiences. I think in the future one hundred percent of hetero women will be dating zombies.

What do you say to those critics who claim dating zombies is an abomination?

I shrug. To each her own. But I don’t tell them how to live, so I’d appreciate it if they don’t tell me how to.

Zombie marriage?

Unnecessary. But not because the reliving don’t deserve full civil rights. It’s merely that marriage was a defunct institution long before the H1Z1 variant Y zombie virus wiped out almost all men on earth. We don’t need it.

Delia nods thoughtfully. As you yourself mentioned, you believe zombies should be kept on a strict drug regimen. Many in society believe that in medicating zombies we are in fact turning them into, well, zombies. What do you say to that?

As the topic turns serious, I let go of the exaggerated enthusiasm and feel a bit more like myself. But I’m still lightheaded. The set is hot and stuffy; the lights are beating down with more force than a dozen suns. There is indeed a strong movement afoot to stop medicating zombies. The organization Zombie Love Now, for example, likes to argue that zombies shouldn’t have to conform to mainstream expectations through artificial means. They believe zombies are perfect the way they are. Naturally, I respect their opinion and their right to hold it, but of course I disagree. Without medication, zombies would be a chaotic force on society the way, say, a schizophrenic would be. Medication controls their hunger impulse, so that they feed only three times a day rather than all the time. Medication helps with limb retention, so arms and legs don’t fall off. According to reports, Geiser and Meyser has a drug in the pipeline that will actually regenerate neurological growth, making zombies capable of rudimentary thought.

Thinking zombies? Delia asks. That sounds like science fiction.

I know. It just goes to prove that with the right drug regimen, there’s no reason why a zombie can’t be the perfect life partner, I continue. Lots of human females take medication for a variety of conditions. I think we owe it to zombies to give them the same consideration we give our mothers, daughters and even ourselves. Anything less is treating them like a special category, which, I believe, is exactly what groups like Zombie Love Now are opposed to.

This argument earns additional cheers from the audience. I smile appreciatively. Prepping for The High-Fiber Breakfast Hour has been completely draining. For three days I worded, reworded and honed my answers to the obvious questions, ignoring my work, no doubt to the annoyance of my colleagues. A little controversy can only help book sales, but I don’t want to inflame Zombie Love Now. I’d rather not have a national organization coming at me with both barrels loaded.

Tell us about you, Delia says. How did Hattie Cross become a zombie-dating expert?

By going on a lot of bad dates.

The audience laughs.

But I also have a master’s degree in men studies, I say. My dissertation was on the male response to the plague and how that affected the rate of its spread. Having a keen and clear understanding of men and their behaviors is integral to the experience of dating a zombie, so I try to impart those insights to my readers.

"And you write the Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies column in The Daily Scoopage," she says.

Yes, once a week I relate my dating ups and downs for public consumption as well as answer reader questions and give tips. It was while working on this column that I realized there was a huge demand for accurate information in regards to zombie dating. Like me, most women didn’t have a clue.

Delia raises an eyebrow in surprise. "You didn’t have a clue?"

My face heats up as I answer the question honestly. "Not a single, solitary one. As recently as four years ago, I was still waiting for men to come back. I knew the blight had wiped them out, but in some secret part of my heart, I hadn’t accepted it. Once I did, I found myself at a total loss of how to proceed. In that moment, I would have given my right arm to have something as informative and practical as the Girls’ Guide. Realizing that is what made me decide to write the column in the first place," I explain.

The real story, of course, is a little more complicated. When the executive editor of The Daily Scoopage suggested the column, I was horrified. The last thing I wanted to do was spoon-feed advice to dim-witted, sad-sack singletons who couldn’t be bothered to pick up a real newspaper.

Oh, no. I was too good for that. As an intern at the high-minded weekly The Xombie Review, I had a healthy contempt for the down-market Scoopage and its partially illiterate readership. Every issue was the same relentless mix of gossip, rumor and insidious insinuation that the world isn’t quite the straight-laced place we think it is. Conspiracies on the origins of the plague abounded, with a new theory presented every week or so.

I was far, far too good.

And yet...

I owed tens of thousands in student loans, my two-bedroom apartment was a three-way split with an agoraphobe and a slob, and my internship paid peanuts—literally. The only benefit aside from prestige and access was a free PB&J sandwich for lunch on the third Wednesday of every month—if you were one of the first ten interns to line up in the cafeteria.

Compared with cleaning thick clumps of hair out of the bathtub drain every morning for the next twenty years, dispensing advice to Daunted in Danbury didn’t seem so bad.

I took the job, rented my own place and told everyone I was working for a top-secret Xombie Review spin-off that would launch soon.

By the time my friends figured out a spin-off wasn’t forthcoming, I’d been thoroughly seduced by the Scoopage’s mainstream ethos. Daunted in Danbury needed me. She had no idea how to meet a zombie and not a clue what to do when she did. She didn’t know what to wear on a first date or if a zombie could give her herpes or when to broach the subject of commitment

And Daunted in Danbury was worldwide. She was Confused in Copenhagen and Baffled in Beijing and Hapless in Harare.

My goals as a journalist had always been modest: to make people think, to challenge their assumptions, to give them a different perspective on a familiar topic. I never expected the big C—to change people’s life.

But when the letters started pouring in and I began connecting with women who weren’t all that different from me (despite their appalling taste in reading material), I realized the big C was already in motion: I was changing people’s lives.

Three years later, I still find the notion stunning. I still wake up every morning, amazed and bewildered by it.

So tell us, Delia says, her tone suddenly intimate as she leans in, who is Hattie Cross seeing right now?

My heart lurches as she asks the dreaded dating question. I knew it was coming and yet I’m still thrown. I’m between boyzombs at the moment, I say, giving the answer I practiced with an overly bright smile. But it’s not enough. I can tell from the look on Delia’s face that the smile doesn’t compensate for the inadequate response. But I’m out there and I’m looking and I’m hopeful. And that’s all it takes—hope.

The police siren wails again, not as loudly as before but just as insistent. Uh-oh, Delia says, Sweet Treat time is over. Fanny in the newsroom is waiting to give us an update on this morning’s top stories as soon as we return from this commercial break. But first I want to thank Hattie Cross for being here and sharing her story with us. She holds up a copy as the bright red light begins to flash. Cue pink panda. "The book is called The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. It’s packed with a lot of great information, so pick it up."

The camera blinks off.

Welcome to the Zombpocalypse

LONG BEFORE I hung out my agony aunt shingle, The Daily Scoopage had perfected its formula of celebrity gossip, government conspiracies and zombie curiosities. It prides itself on questionable journalism—but, as the executive editor likes to say, at least someone is raising questions.

The cover is typically a grainy shot of an unexplained phenomenon. Today’s, for example, boldly hails a rare spotting in the foothills of the Himalayas of zombyeti—a half-zombie, half-yeti creature said to torment the small villages dotting the mountain range. We feature an exclusive interview with Timber Tanya, the former forest ranger who has made it her life’s work to capture the zombyeti and introduce it to civilized society. So far, all she’s managed to capture is the attention of the Scoopage’s editor in chief, Hayley Johnson, but apparently that’s enough for a successful zombyeti-hunting career. Thanks to our dogged coverage, she makes a healthy living selling zombyeti T-shirts, mugs, watches, playing cards and toothbrushes.

Although the zombyeti is one of our favorite elusive creatures, it’s by no means our only. Almost everything we cover evades hard evidence. But that doesn’t stand in the way of our writers crafting good stories. Typically, they rely on hearsay and rumor, conflating unrelated events into global incidents with tragic consequences. The Provisional Government Authority’s announcement that it would cut the sanitation department’s budget by twelve percent somehow resulted in a flood that almost destroyed the Great Pyramid at Giza.

My colleagues have a remarkable talent for spinning exciting yarns, even if their process is debatable. ("At least someone is raising the debate.") The Xombie Review, for all its international acclaim, often fails on that front, running ten-thousand-word articles about arcane subjects that few people are interested in.

Even when I

Reviews for The Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies

[tldegray-1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Since a virus turned 99.9999 percent of human males into zombies it's really become difficult for Hattie and other hetero women to date. So she decides to teach herself and the other women how to date zombie men. This should have been funnier than it was. It honestly should have. But it fell way short of the mark for me. Provided by publisher.

[reviewsbymolly · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Okay. So, honestly? I was WAY iffy about reading this. But, then I thought, what the heck. So, I gave it a shot and signed up to review this book. Boy, was I ever in for a hilarious treat! SERIOUSLY!!!! Lynn Messina has topped the charts in my book with a laugh out hilarious "guide" for women who want to date.....zombies?! Yup. Zombies. And her compilation of information is informative. Truly. If I ever feel the need in say, 8-10 years to date a zombie, well then, I know where to turn!This laugh out loud book will take you on a hilarious look at what the world would be like if it was hit with a zombpocalypse. That's right. A zombpocalypse. Kinda like an apocalypse, only not. It's where the population of men are taking over by zombies. In the year 2000. And they don't eat people. No, they eat ANIMALS: squirrels, rabbits, birds....etc, etc. There are 99.9999 men in the US in 2020 and they are all zombies. Wow. How can you handle that?Lynn Messina creates Hattie Cross to help us with just that. She teaches us that with medication, it's okay to have sex with Zombies (seriously, it's in there.). She shows us that it's possible to have a meaningful (sort of!) conversation with a zombie. It's all rather interesting, if you ask me.But, then Hattie meets Jake Maddox. A rather handsome, NORMAL man, if you ask her. Or so she thinks. With a few added twists and turns along the way, Hattie's zombie adventure turns into a full out laughing fest for the readers.This is a 4 Book worthy novel and one that I would recommend to any zombie loving book-a-holic out there! Lynn Messina has a unique talent and I am hoping that this isn't the end for her "undead" reading guides! I'd love to see something like this on dating vamps or weres! Awesome job!!!This review originated at Reviews By Molly in part with a blog tour.

[lizziebeth95_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

A plague has decimated the world. Men are practically extinct, sort of. Those that have survived and aren't zombified live in the lap of luxury while the rest have been transformed into complete zombies. This has left every woman on Earth to take matters into their own hands in hopes of rebuilding the world as they know it.While doing so hasn't been easy, the survivors have been able to make do with they've got. They've also learned to co-exist with their zombie-ish friends, a fact made quite clear in Hattie Cross's book, The Girls' Guide To Dating Zombies. Sure, there's an extensive list of things to do in order to live peacefully with one of these beloved ghouls but I'm sure you're up to the task, aren't you? If Hattie can do it, then surely, so can we!Let's face it, the thought of being with a zombie might sound appalling, but there are now measures to counterattack their rapid decay. The myriad of drugs now available will allow you to slow that process down considerably. Can't stand the smell emanating from these reliving corpses? No problem! There are creams for that. Want to keep him happy? Let him watch football 24/7. Seriously, he's content to just sit in front of the tube and grunt right and left to his heart's content.Intimacy with one isn't a problem either as there are medications that make that possible between the both of you. Let's also not forget that by giving him a bite to eat of the occasional animal brain whenever he's hungry will make him appreciate you all the more. Of course, also learning their language ensures you'll have a successful relationship, as well. It's that simple, I swear!Hattie Cross never imagined she'd gain such notoriety when she decided to write the The Girls' Guide To Dating Zombies. She considers herself lucky when she inadvertently piques the interest of the CEO of the largest drug company around. Granted, Matilda isn't easy to get know because of her busy schedules and the little entourage that follows her around but Hattie is willing to give things a shot and see how they go. Who knows? Perhaps the woman will help her in getting ahead somehow.Her entire world is soon thrown into limbo when she meets Jake Maddox, the first healthy male she's ever seen in decades. The sight of him boggles her mind and sends her senses spinning as she finds herself drawn to him in more ways than one. Yet there's something about him and Matilda she can't quite put her finger on. Delving deeper into the mysteries surrounding the company and Jake himself, Hattie stumbles upon truths she wishes she'd never become privy to in the first place.This was such an awesome story. I enjoyed every minute of it. The comedic spin on several things from the real world was awesome and it leant credibility to how things could be if such a calamity were to actually arise one day. The characters were very likeable and the situations that Hattie occasionally found herself in were certainly relatable.Lynn did a beautiful job in building the environment for her story and the extensive research that must have gone into it certainly comes through. I definitely recommend this book to others for reading.