The New Adventures of Pi (3rd Edition)

By Theory Parker

Having grown tired of believers not conveying God’s spiritual messages properly, God has turned to atheist Theory Parker to deliver Her latest and most important revelation, Pi-ism. "The New Adventures of Pi," now in its third edition, chronicles God’s four screwball conversations with a confirmed skeptic, detailing God’s reason for choosing an atheist as His new prophet. You'll also find out the astonishing motive behind the creation of our universe and why Pi is so important to our individual lives. This fantastic new sacred text even highlights and interprets The Suggestions, aphorisms given by God to enrich our lives. Finally, "The New Adventures of Pi" confirms what we all knew all along: The devil is simply misunderstood. Start reading now and discover why Pi-ism is the best thing to happen to religion since atheism.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Theory Parker
• Release date: Aug 8, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311565549

Theory Parker

Theory Parker currently holds a BS in Philosophy. He's lucky to have a degree at all considering how often his seemingly mad ideas challenged his professors' cherished beliefs. He's a skeptic's skeptic unless he's in a situation in which skepticism isn't required, which would be almost never or unless God is messing with his mind. As one of the most prominent philosophical bloggers on the web, he's the only thinker to have convincingly defeated Solipsism. He also writes about current events and fiction that dabbles in the surreal.

Book preview

The New Adventures of Pi Third Edition

Theory Parker, Pi-hD

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2014 Theory Parker

All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced in any form, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in review, without permission in writing from the author/publisher.

What the critics are saying about The New Adventures of Pi

Put the straight jacket away. Theory Parker may be certifiably insane, but it’s a good kind of certifiable insanity. – The Psychology Chronicles

This guy says things so crazy, you can’t refudiate him. – The Daily Palin

First you had some guy under a Bodhi Tree listening to Nirvana, then another guy walked on water, then Tom Cruise jumped on a couch, and now you’ve got Pi-ism. Religion has finally gotten weird! – The Sioux Falls Enquirer

Table of Contents

Introduction

First Revelation

Second Revelation

Third Revelation

Final Revelation

The Logical Structure of Pi

An Introduction to the Suggestions

Be Good Be Happy

Tips on How to Be Good

The Best Things In Life Are Not Things

Learn From.Your Mistakes

The Importance of Dreams

What You Will Is the World

Free Will Burning

The Rituals of Pi-ism

Pi-ism FAQ’s

Apocalyptica

About the Author

INTRODUCTION

Why me?

We often ask ourselves this question in connection with events that we simply can’t believe have anything to do with us. Case in point: On New Year’s Day 2009, God decided to have a chat with an atheist; me. It was an interesting discussion which resulted in God’s desire to see an atheist herald God’s latest message, seeing how previous theistic prophets have failed to convey God’s thoughts accurately. [You’d think a commandment such as Thou shalt not kill would be fairly obvious in its meaning, but given the state of the world as of 2009, it is clear that God’s will is not being followed.]

Now, I know what you’re thinking; if I say God has talked to me, I am no longer an atheist. Rest assured, though, that I am indeed still an atheist. As you’ll understand after reading the First Revelation, I believe I remain an atheist after encountering God due to God’s divine powers. Since the encounter I have dismissed God’s actual existence as being logically ridiculous, totally absurd, and completely silly despite what I think I know I saw. But that’s the way God wants it. You know, now that I think about it, God did seem to get a kick out of the idea of sending an atheist to start a new religion, that is, besides that ages old atheistic ‘religion’ of science.

In supposing The First Revelation you’ll read herein took place exactly as I remember it, I have to assume that the purpose behind God’s will that I remain an atheist is to build bridges instead of burning them. Apparently, we – as part of God’s plan (an equation, really) – are all so individually important to God that it isn’t even relevant to God whether you’re an atheist or theist. That being the case, why not send an atheist to deliver God’s latest message? That’s how clever God is (cough) if God exists. I’m not sure God appreciates the difficultly such a partnership poses, though. It seems to me as difficult for people to understand as the implications of God’s latest message, Pi, itself. Pi – what is the big deal about Pi, anyway?

I do get this question a lot. What does Pi have to do with anything? As it turns out, Pi is the basis of God’s latest and most important message. It’s the basis for God’s most important message to date because Pi is in fact the very reason our universe exists, supposing God exists all the same. [I realize I keep questioning God’s existence, but if God does exist, then God has talked to me, and this is God’s latest and most important message.]

Here’s why our universe exists: There is a question very important to God that God does not know the answer to. In order to discover the answer, God created a mathematical formula so complicated that our entire universe was created just to figure out one small part of the larger equation. The purpose of our universe is to calculate the otherwise infinite ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter (Pi) to a finite number. Our universe is basically a giant calculator.

It’s not particularly relevant (but still interesting, if you ask me) for you to understand what exactly Pi stands for. The most important thing to understand, however, is that you appreciate that each and every one of us is akin to a mathematical variable in the calculation of Pi. While God has seemed to give up on doling out commandments forbidding us to kill one another, you should know that God truly frowns upon the violence we visit upon each other. The reason? Every time someone dies before they have passed away due to natural causes – natural disasters count as natural causes, by-the-way – a variable is erased from God’s calculation of Pi, thus prolonging the completion of God’s calculation of Pi. Murder – not to mention general acts of interference in the lives of others – hinder God’s will.

Murder is an obvious no-no, then. But what are these general acts of interference I allude to? For one thing, God really doesn’t care if you’re a Christian or Muslim or Pastafarian. That said, God hates to see people coerced, fooled, or brain-washed into believing certain things, particularly when it comes to a belief in God or anything divine. Apparently, God doesn’t much care whether or not you’re a believer and simply wants us to live our lives without being jerks about, well, whatever it is any one of us are inclined to be a jerk about. God has a very live-and-let-live philosophy. I have it on pretty good authority – possibly – that God gave us life so that we may enjoy our experiences. God did not give us life so that we, in our arrogance, can circumvent God’s will and harm each other.

While I claim to know some things about what God has in mind for us, God has left a great deal of the interpretation of God’s will up to me (which leads me to conclude that God has more faith in me than I do in God). I suppose this is because God is tired of dictating lengthy scriptures that no one is going to bother following but rather re-interpret anyway, such as the Book of Leviticus or the Dhammapada. In the few meetings I have had with God – four altogether as of this writing – there has been little that God has been absolutely clear about. That is to say, in our discussions, God has had nothing to say about topics such as abortion. I understand that this will strike many people as odd given the current debate over whether or not abortion is murder, but as I’ve said, God seems to have given me some latitude in interpreting such things. Not that I am eager to do so; abortion is a topic that people take very seriously without giving the matter a whole lot of thought. Suffice it to say that I am not ready to enter that particular arena, at least not until I’ve invested in some reliable body-armor.

Voicing my opinion on a topic when no one asked for it is bad enough. Telling you that my opinion is actually God’s opinion while trying to get you to understand that I am an atheist is even more difficult. Naturally, there will be those among you who intend to adhere strongly to the religion you are now and may believe I am making a mockery of your faith, having no doubt that your religion is the One True Religion. But I must point out the obvious here: There was some point in the past when your religion did not even exist, which must mean that at some point in the past your god or gods decided it was time to send a prophet or jot some ideas down for posterity. I’m not trying to say God never has a change of heart and decides, "Okay, religion X is now the One True Religion." Rather, whenever God sees fit to send a prophet, God is making an adjustment towards the calculation of Pi. Thus, there are many paths that lead to God. But do not misunderstand; this is not the same as saying there is no One True Religion.

I have to say this because I can practically hear you grumbling, Spiritual relativism? That’s ridiculous! What’s the point of believing in God there’s no One True Religion? How am I supposed to feel smug and superior in comparison to others if my religion isn’t The Truth? By all means, please believe that your particular faith – if you have one – is the One True Religion. The infinite nature of Pi makes almost anything possible. [Except for there being any truth to Scientology, a religion God holds in contempt.] What is true to you is what is important. You are welcomed by God to believe what you want, when you want to, and how you want to, provided your beliefs do not harm others physically or even psychologically. God just wants you to live your life. I cannot impart that enough.

Not that I want to impart these lessons. I do not exactly relish my role as God’s messenger. Trust me, I’d rather be fishing. But we are all going to do what we are going to do; I cannot escape my destiny, if there is such a thing. God has chosen me for reasons that elude me, though God apparently does think I am clever. (I can’t