The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions

By Ed.D Susan J. R.N. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries

Losing a loved one--whether a spouse, parent, child, sibling, or friend--leaves people feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. Holidays and other special occasions seem to intensify the pain. Whether the occasion is Christmas or Easter, a birthday or anniversary, these celebrations force the bereaved to again face the reality of a loved one's absence.

Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries know firsthand the sorrow of bereavement: Both lost a spouse. Yet as they faced their pain and gleaned insights from their professions--Susan is a psychologist, Robert, a minister--they found renewed richness on special days that once brought heartache.

In The Empty Chair, the authors share a comforting blend of emotional support, spiritual guidance, and personal experience to help readers honor their loved one on important days. Those who support the bereaved--mental-health professionals, pastors, funeral home staff, and others--will also appreciate this book for its reflective yet practical approach.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
• Release date: Sep 1, 2001
• ISBN: 9781585582020

Ed.D Susan J. R.N. Zonnebelt-Smeenge

Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge, RN, EdD, is a licensed clinical psychologist now in private practice in Marietta, Georgia. She worked at Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services in Grand Rapids, Michigan, for over 20 years. She speaks nationally to churches, community groups, and professional organizations and facilitates a variety of educational grief support groups.

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Cover

Preface

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.

All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

Helen Keller

BOTH CHAR AND RICK DIED in the month of October. They were our beloved spouses. We experienced the first holidays soon after the death of our partners. First came Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then Easter, with birthdays, anniversaries, and new seasons intermingled. They were difficult. Bob actually set a place at the table for Char at a holiday gathering for friends only to realize his mistake as the guests took their seats. The extra chair remained empty.

Susan wanted to boycott Christmas the first year but decided she could make it through if she and her daughter, Sarah, planned some specific ways to remember Rick while still attempting to celebrate the holidays. To pay tribute to his memory, they lit a ceremonial candle and looked at family pictures together.

For many people, grief at the holidays is an oxymoron. Holidays are supposed to be happy, fun, joyful, overflowing with bonds of love. Grief casts a painful, somber, dark shadow over the holidays, shrouding the happy memories of past celebrations.

We grieve because we loved. We formed an intense attachment to another person. We became vulnerable, letting the other person deep into our life in intimate ways. Attachments, connections, once the glue that held our life together, have now been broken by death. We yearn to have our loved one close to us again.

We grieve not only for the person who died but for the life we lived with that person. We grieve over the loss of someone who functioned in important ways in our life, who was a companion, who shared the same living space. We remember hugging each other, taking walks or eating meals together, and sharing rich holiday traditions.

Now, that part of who you were together is dead. Your own identity is changing. With respect to that person, you are no longer a spouse, child, sibling, parent, or important friend. You may experience the pain of these changes especially during the holidays.

Holidays are special times of the year when we are drawn to remember those significant people who have died, even if the death occurred several years ago and the memories are pleasant and no longer filled with pain. This book, however, is written particularly for those who have experienced a loss recently and who are still in the pain of their grief. The book is the result of a growing conviction that grieving people are eager to receive support and affirmation during the tough early years following the death of a loved one. This support and affirmation is especially needed during holidays and other special times.

We did not write this book for one specific holiday. Obviously, Christmas is a major holiday that holds a particularly difficult challenge for a bereaved person. Other holidays, however, can be just as difficult, as can be birthdays, anniversaries, or other special days within a family or marriage.

Following the deaths of our first spouses, we (Susan, a registered nurse and licensed clinical psychologist, and Bob, an ordained minister and seminary professor) wrote the book Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse.¹ We wrote this new book specifically about grief and the holidays because many bereaved people often express the need for a specific resource for dealing with traditionally special occasions.

We are committed to the premise that full resolution of grief is possible through a combination of time and intentional grief work. By resolution we mean that a bereaved person can arrive at a point in life where the emotional pain of the death no longer negatively affects his or her life. Of course, even after reaching a satisfying resolution of grief, the bereaved will likely encounter infrequent firsts such as a graduation, wedding, and so on that he or she will need to face, but those are time specific and do not need to hinder a person from moving into a full and satisfying new phase in life. The bereaved can live with the sense of being finished with grieving, having addressed everything he or she is aware of that can be dealt with at the present moment.

Using our professions, life experiences, and beliefs, we integrate in this book a sound mental health perspective with a spiritual foundation. As Christians, we found strength through our faith in God. We believe that regardless of one’s faith perspective, the spiritual component of a person’s life, in which the deeper issues and meaning of life are considered, needs to be addressed by the bereaved to resolve grief fully.

At the same time, however, one’s faith must not overshadow the need to approach grief from the perspective of sound mental health. How a person deals with his or her emotions, manages the pain of a significant loss, rebuilds a healthy understanding of himself or herself in the context of this loss, and develops a renewed lifestyle is helped by following healthy mental health practices. In this book the spiritual aspects and