The Reluctant Entertainer: Every Woman's Guide to Simple and Gracious Hospitality

By Sandy Coughlin

Hospitality can be a blessing to both the host and her guests, but for many women today, it simply doesn't happen. Feelings of inadequacy, unrealistic expectations, fear of failure, lack of time--all conspire to steal the joy that comes from opening one's home and sharing fellowship with others. In The Reluctant Entertainer, Sandy Coughlin relates to people in real ways about real meals that mortals cook, during which real conversations draw people together. Would-be hostesses will discover that true hospitality is not about being perfect, cooking a fancy meal, or spending a lot of money. Rather, it's about an open door and an open heart.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
• Release date: Aug 1, 2010
• ISBN: 9781441212153

Sandy Coughlin

Sandy Coughlin loves hospitality, cooking, and opening her home to others with her husband and three growing teenagers. She's the author of The Reluctant Entertainer. Sandy has been featured on numerous media outlets including First for Women, Kraft Food and Family Magazine, Moody's Midday Connection, Focus on the Family, The 700 Club, and Library Journal. You can find Sandy's blog about simple but savvy entertaining, as well as the benefits to imperfect living, at ReluctantEntertainer.com

Book preview

the reluctant

entertainer

  every woman’s

     guide to simple

and gracious hospitality

The Reluctant Entertainer

Copyright © 2010

Sandy Coughlin

Cover design by Brand Navigation

Interior design by Melinda Schumacher

Scripture quotations taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Published by Bethany House Publishers

11400 Hampshire Avenue South

Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

Bethany House Publishers is a division of

Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

E-book edition created 2011

ISBN 978-1-4412-1215-3

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse them or vouch for their content or permanence.

Beyond words, my mother, Millie, gave me the foundation for living a hospitable life. From the day I was born, she taught me about love, hospitality, and people. The night she left this world has forever left a hole in my heart.

Auntie Ellen was my Balcony Girl in life, encouraging and cheering me on. She taught me about creativity, how to make people feel special, and the importance of making memories. Your red lipstick made a statement, Auntie Ellen, just as your life was a bright inspiration!

Sandy Coughlin is creator of the popular blog Reluctant Entertainer, which she began in 2006 to help women get past their entertaining fears. Sandy has appeared on nationally broadcast television and radio programs, is a frequent contributor to Crosswalk.com, and has blogged for SCJohnson.com, AWomanInspiredConference.com, Kyria.com, and other online publications. A busy mom of three teenagers, Sandy is active in various volunteer organizations, and she enjoys ballroom dancing, hosting parties, cooking, and running. Sandy is married to Paul, and the family practices hospitality in their hometown of Medford, Oregon.

Visit Sandy’s blog at ReluctantEntertainer.com.

CONTENTS

1. Real Entertaining for Real People

2. Joy Busters and Joy Building

3. Overcoming the Pitfalls of Perfectionism

4. Simplifying Entertaining

5. Discovering Your Inner Martha

6. Engaging the Five Senses

7. The Heart of Hospitality: Conversation

8. More Than Dinner Parties: Deeper Connections

9. From Reluctant to Gracious Living

Appendix: Pantry Talk

Appendix: Recipes

Acknowledgments

Bibliography

1

Real Entertaining for Real People

Okay, ladies, let’s have a show of hands. Everyone who feels like they just don’t have what it takes to pull off a successful meal or a party in your home, raise your hand. I see your nervous hands! Now, everyone who feels totally at ease and 100 percent sure of yourself as a hostess, raise your confident hand…. Um, where did the hands go?

I know the reasons why those hands stay stuck to our sides. I also know the simple steps necessary to fix this growing problem that keeps us and our families isolated instead of connected—alone instead of together. Through my blog, Reluctant Entertainer, I have helped women across the country transform from a reluctant entertainer to a confident one.

One of the main reasons we remain reluctant and isolated is that we have bought in to the thinking that perfection is required in order to be hospitable. This belief is a mistake I once held, which I realized after eating dinner at a friend’s house.

As a young mother with a baby on the way, I was apprehensive when my husband, Paul, came home from work and informed me that we were going to the home of a new artist friend of Paul’s for dinner. Because I didn’t know the family, I felt nervous. But as one I walked into their home, I realized it was . . . normal. It actually was a little chaotic, as four small children ran around in the usual sequence of life.

My senses kicked into high gear as I smelled the incredible aroma of garlic fresh bread. Right away I felt at home. We and fresh bread. Right away I felt at home. We sat down to a feast of some of the best Italian cooking I’ve ever tasted. The hostess was gorgeous inside and out. Her dark Italian eyes were piercing, and her smile welcoming. Her hair was long and mussed up, and I don’t even remember her clothing, but I do remember the glow about her as she served us.

I realized later that our conversation was different from what I had experienced at many social events. It was real. I thought, These people are not trying to impress. They truly cared about us, about our family and our lives. Even though their home seemed slightly out of order, they knew the true meaning of hospitality: It’s a matter of the heart. They understood people and connection. They took these essential ingredients of hospitality and put them to use. They understood that hospitality is unique to rebuilding communities, restoring relationships, and reviving families.

GLUE THAT CONNECTS

What a lesson for me. Little did I know how that meal would shape my thinking and help me become more flexible. As I watched the dynamics of this home and the love that flowed—while kids ran everywhere and dishes stacked up by the sink—I realized hospitality doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be from the heart. It’s the glue that connects us with each other.

I love to share this story to point out that hospitality comes in different shapes and sizes. To some it may mean an elaborate dinner party. To others it’s a casual party with kids underfoot. And to some others it may mean opening their home to out-of-town company or taking cookies to a neighbor. Understanding people is an art in itself, and it’s a big piece of the pie when it comes to simple acts of kindness that you can offer to anyone.

When I think about the core of hospitality, I think of this statement from Chuck Swindoll’s book Dropping Your Guard:

It is only when I share life’s experiences with others that I can enjoy them or endure them to the greatest advantage. You see, having a relationship calls for being in fellowship with others, and that cannot be done very easily at arm’s length. It implies getting in touch, feeling the hurts, being an instrument of encouragement and healing. Fences must come down. Masks need to come off. Welcome signs need to be hung outside the door. Keys to the locks in our lives must be duplicated and distributed. Bridges need to be lowered that allow others to cross the moat and then share our joys and our sorrows. (emphasis added)

Paul and I have experienced hospitality many times around our table. We are always amazed at how God works through food, conversation, authenticity, and laughter. Hospitality is not just a potluck dish. It’s about relating to people on a deeper level in a way that reflects your life and style while forming stronger bonds. Hospitality happens over real meals that are cooked by real people, and draws people from the cold world of isolation and into the warmth of connection and friendship. I know because it happens in our home over and over.

So when did we determine that entertaining requires perfection? Is that really what hospitality is all about?

Don’t let pie-in-the-sky perfectionism haunt you! Instead of allowing the food, the table setting, and your home to be the focus of your entertaining, put your guests first. Your surroundings will become less significant. You’ll experience greater community, deeper friendships, and a wider support structure. You’ll benefit from the realization that the joy of giving is much stronger than the joy of receiving. And it’s not as hard as you might think.

You will no longer say, Hospitality just isn’t my gift. You will be enthused as you discover that gracious living is the butter on the warm bread of common life.

HOSPITALITY ROOTS

I was fortunate growing up, because my mother passed on to me the gift of loving people through hospitality. And her love for people came from her mom, my Grandma Dubs. When I was a little girl, my grandma told me stories of feeding the hungry during the Great Depression.

Grandma and Grandpa owned a trailer park where they willingly shared food with strangers who would come and go. They’d also share a strong cup of coffee and a bit of encouragement from Grandma’s deep Christian faith, then send them on their way. Reaching out to strangers came easily to Grandma because she had promised herself she would be good to others and wise with what she was given. Both sets of my grandparents were great examples of being hospitable people, and my parents reaped the blessings.

My mom, Millie, passed down the torch of loving others as she started her own family and practiced hospitality along with my dad. Mom didn’t get caught up in over-commitments or in impressing others with over-the-top entertaining. She didn’t rely on television shows or magazines to improve her entertaining skills. Her simple china, a Betty Crocker cookbook, a couple of aprons, and some linens for the table were just about all she needed. Mom knew what reaching out to others was about: simplicity and love.

When Mom passed away thirteen years ago, she was remembered for her love for people and reaching out. The art of hospitality was just a way of life for her.

For some women, hospitality is very natural. For others, it takes work and effort. But for all of us, it must be cultivated so that it can become a channel for amazing experiences. It’s exciting when you can step outside of your fears and into the realm of putting others first.

Eleanor Roosevelt put it this way: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Hospitality seems to have skipped a generation, or even two. It just seems different today. Through teaching my children and sharing simple hospitality insights with women across the country, I find we have a deep yearning to discover what has been lost and a strong desire to bring it back. We live in a different generation now, and the difference lies in the fact that there’s more permission today to not have it all together.

It’s been proven that hospitality benefits us in the long run because we will have healthier and longer lives than those who are lonely.

Strawberry Salad

This recipe came from my sweet niece Addie. It’s also delicious with raspberries.

Reviews for The Reluctant Entertainer

[anniehidalgo · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This book had a lot of good ideas, as well as quite a few recipes. Some are interspersed throughout the book, and some are collected in a recipe section in the back, but since she provides a clear index, organized by category, that isn't really an issue. There are suggestions for helpful websites, and kinds of parties you might have. This book makes a nice addition to a cookbook/entertaining library.

[saracuse9 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

There are certain times when I agree with Sandy Coughlin, the author of Reluctant Entertainer..., such as when she talks about how women feel pressure to be too perfect when they think about entertaining guests. However, most of the time I was reading this book I found myself rolling my eyes at her annoying sentence structure and predictable writing style.Also, I would say that the biggest flaw of her book is that she mentions her blog so often that I wonder why then would I read her book when I can just go online and read her blog and it would have the same basic message.The book had many big, glossy pictures, but the photos seemed to be trying to compensate for the lack of substance in the writing.

[sondic_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

OHMYGOODNESS I simply ADORE this book! If you ever worried that you just don't have it together enough to have people over, READ THIS BOOK!!!She breaks it down to simple steps and revs up your self-esteem by helping you to review your own know-how and realize that yes, you really CAN entertain. I think every housewife or anyone who ever considered having a party or get-together and then chickend out REALLY needs to read this book. The world would definitely be a better place!

[klockrike · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

I opened this book up with some excitement and hoped to find an inspiring book on how to entertain at home. Well, the topic of the book was correct, but the tone of the book put me off so bad I could not even scan through the whole thing. To begin with, the book is condescending to women (and women are the only entertainers at home, apparently), and the author either talks to the reader as if she was a small child in kindergarten or a visitor to a psychologists office. Adding to this is a huge dose of pull-up-your-bootstraps Christianity, as if no other beliefs are relevant and important for being a great host. It might be that such simplification of life is what most American women are looking for, but I hope not. The book is not about how to become a great entertainer, but a self-help book for depressed house wifes. Finally, the really put the nail in the coffin is the first recipe in the book - strawberry salad, a concoction of the most unusual combination: spring-mix greens, bacon bits, strawberries, almonds, and toasted (uncooked) ramen noodles. The vinaigrette is also the first I have seen with more sugar than vinegar in it. I guess this works for some sugar-crazed tastes, but not for me. The book also should have had a religious warning sticker on it - if you don't belong to the Christian faith, is a house wife, and very uncertain of yourself and your abilities, stay away from this book. I am sure the author put a lot of work into this book (based on a blog) but I just can't give it a higher rating. Not every blog should be made into a book, and not every personal thought, reminiscence or advice is worth publishing.

[leadmomma · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This book is a bit of encouragement for those of us who struggle looking at Martha's latest gathering or a "Real Simple" meal (that requires several trips to a specialty grocery story). While not everyone will face all the issues she covers, I think her general idea is a strong one and a reader can direct their attention to the chapter(s) that are most relevant to their feelings. The recipes are all easy to understand and seem to be made of ingredients the average grocery store would carry. While Bethany House is a faith-based publisher, this book wasn't overly pushy of faith (at least to my secular tastes). I think this book would be a good read for a mom's group, a young married couples group or a book group looking for a non-fiction title.

[cynara_1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Sandy Coughlin is a woman who had a Seuss-like revelation about what is often called "entertaining" (which makes it sound as it should involve trained animals and a band). Hospitality isn't about the invitations, or the place settings. It isn't about the food. It isn't even about whether you've vacuumed in the last week. Having people over is simply about people - about offering hospitality, enjoying companionship, and showing people that you like them. I enjoy the central message of the book. There's so much emphasis in the media on elegant entertaining that, a) some people get overwhelmed and can't handle the idea of having a friend over for a meal, or b) other people get so wrapped up in making apricot-glazed chicken stuffed with wild rice and cranberries served with a rosemary reduction that they never get out of the kitchen long enough to have a conversation and connect. That kind of entertaining isn't fun to do every time - the effort is burdensome, and the formality keeps everyone on their company manners. People would rather have pizza with friends in a house that looks lived-in. For Coughlin, this idea of true hospitality which focuses on people and on caring for them is connected to her Christian faith.This encouragement to forget the TV shows and enjoy some time with your friends is the real meat of the book. The photos of happy friends, the recipes (often without accompanying photos, so seeming a little apologetic), and the pantry tips seemed peripheral. I didn't quite understand what the chapter on preserving was doing here, either. I haven't read her blog, but I'm guessing that the unfocussed nature of the book is the result of culling a couple dozen of the best posts and working them into a single volume.As much as I feel that Coughlin's point is an important one, I didn't need it stated at such length, or with this much encouragement for the timid. I think this book would have been a wonderful magazine article.

[anniejanicki · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This book had a lot of good ideas, as well as quite a few recipes. Some are interspersed throughout the book, and some are collected in a recipe section in the back, but since she provides a clear index, organized by category, that isn't really an issue. There are suggestions for helpful websites, and kinds of parties you might have. This book makes a nice addition to a cookbook/entertaining library.

[knitomatic · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

kind of schlocky looking, lots of cheap stock photography. not martha stewart - i kind of feel bad for the author because it looks so cheap.

[cchonka_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The Reluctant Entertainer is great thus far. I'm already planning out a neighborhood gathering in a month. I think it will be fun since a lot of the neighbors really don't know each other. I could use the book without the religious aspect but overall it's very helpful. Especially about talk about not stressing out about everything being perfect. I'm by far not a perfectionist therefore have always been reluctant to have people over. I actually went out today and bought a whole bunch of outdoor toys. For me to look forward to entertaining people is a very far cry from my usual. I'm just half way through the book. I do recommend anyone how is scared to have a gathering at their place but wants to, to read The Reluctant Entertainer.

[difreda · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Sandy Coughlin - First - I have to break your bubble - I'm a guy! and married to a very nice gal who just does not cook or entertain. That said - I love you! - I wish you had written this book 30 years ago when we first were married - Yes I do entertain - and share your visions as a kindred spirit - but had my dear wife read this book as I suggest every young person (man or woman) should they will understand that communion is sharing of what is most precious - ourselves, our homes, our lives .. as they are and not as we would think others would like it to be ( and as put simply in your book - don't give a hoot about!) This book goes down as smooth as homemade ice cream in August - It's an easy read - but says a lot! About Hospitality and being welcoming in our lives and homes. We are given tips for how to break through our self-imposed barriers yet give with elegance and honesty from our abundance. As we guys say - This book is a hit out of the ball park! One small and very meaningful thing I will disclose is that there are recipe's peppered throughout this book for folks who are not "foodies". One hit my heart! On Page 110 is the best bread that I ever had - It's a kidhood memory of after church dinners - with folks from our church- over 40 years ago - It's not just good - It's classic! Read the book - learn what the mass media has taught us to forget - good honest hospitality. 5 stars for this book!

[universehall · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I suppose I was expecting something different from this book. I guess I could say I was expecting PRACTICAL advice on things to do for entertaining a group of friends: you know, "this is what a place setting is supposed to look like" or "this is when this kind of wine should be served".As it turns out, this is more of a book of affirmations to bolster the confidence of the inexpert entertainer. Basically, she says this: "Don't worry about making things perfect. Just be yourself." And it IS good advice! I have much more fun entertaining when I just shrug my shoulders and say, "My guests have doubtlessly seen a few unwashed dishes before. I'm not going to freak out about it." And I won't say that she doesn't give ANY practical advice. She does have recipes and a few recommendations for when to serve them or how to give a nice party. But I was hoping for more practical advice and less affirmation. I can't give this book a bad review because I'm sure it would be useful to someone whose main entertaining problems were nerves and worrying about "perfection"... I generally don't, though. So I wanted some of that practical stuff -- "what to serve on a midsummer's evening" -- "what to do to keep your guests entertained" and such. Oh well.

[kaelirenee · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I loved the premise of this book and the overarching theme of this book: We have lost the art of being gracious and happy hostesses and entertaining in our homes because we are too wrapped up in our own insecurities, seek too much perfection, and have limited entertaining role models. The author gives a number of wonderful suggestions (based on her blog, which she plugs shamelessly, along with her husband's works) for a woman seeking to open her home to friends. Her main suggestion is to forget Martha Stewart and the impossible standards she holds women to (after all, Martha doesn't exactly have the best relationship with her family). Make no mistake: this is a book for women. Despite her mentioning of divorced women, this is a book for married women, mainly mothers. This is not a book that a man would enjoy unless he's looking to give his wife some suggestions on how to be a little more Donna Reed (in the show, not behind the scenes).There are a few recipes scattered through the book, though I would not recommend buying the book for recipes, especially when the auther herself mentions so many great online resources for recipes. Furthermore, the directions in the recipes are inconsistent and require far too much judgement on the part of the cook to be useful to a beginner cook.I have two main issues with this book. First, she really only considers the issue of dinner parties, thrown for dozens of people. Sure, that's one form of entertaining. She mentions other kinds of occassions, but her guidelines are really only helpful for big shin digs. Second, she is FAR too religious in this book. I did not want to read a book about hospotality being one of the gifts of the holy spirit and God's role for us. Without those mentions, this book may have seemed a bit old-fashioned in the roles of women, but by constantly reminding us of "God's role for us," I couldn't help but think she was in the "woman's role is in the kitchen" camp. Working women like me do not need the working mom/stay at home mom argument shoved back at them when they are trying to be friendly, gracious hostesses.Overall, this was a decent book. I throw a big family dinner every Friday night and it's the best part of my week. She has a number of suggestions that can help me make it more enjoyable for myself and my guests. But the book fell far short of its potential and was therefore a disapointment.

[kobzar1960 · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

I received a copy of this book by Sandy Coughlin as a prize in the Early Reviewers Club. While the title led me to believe this would be a good reference book, I was very dissappointed with it when I actually received it and read through it. While I appreciate that thousands of folk out there have their own blogs, this book just seemed to be an ongoing marketing pitch for Sandy's blog, with repetitive mention of 'on my blog...' thoughout the book. This became annoying in itself as I read through the book. But is was only one of many disappointments with this book.I am male, so there may be something that is lost on me. It is clear that Sandy is writing to women. However, in this day and age the "June Cleaver" housewife is long gone. However, reading this book it became clear that this is Sandy's view of women. Adding in to this is a strong religious slant with reference to prayer, and comments like "you are valuable and important to God" as the first step to Courageous Hospitality. It soon became clear that in addition to plugging her own blog, this book really was a June Cleaver meets Jerry Falwel tome. Besides the personal heartache and inspirational stories that make up the majority of this book, there are a handful of recipes. While most are basic and could be handled by any beginner cook, there are a few inconsistencies in them that should have been caught in an editing cycle. in ingredient lists. There are a munber of cases where an ingredient is stated as an absolute, e.g., "black pepper", p. 142, while on the next page (p. 143) in the next recipe the entry is "pepper (I use white pepper)". If these are indeed original recipes as we are led to believe, then the author should just give the ingredient as "white pepper". Another inconsidency is with cook times, and the outcome expected. While most receipes have a stated outcome, e.g., until browned, until set, there are a number of receipes, e.g., Chocolate Chip Date Brownies, p. 152, where a range is given for the bake time, yet there is no clarification as to what the state of doneness should be. So the cook is left to her own devices to determine where in the range of time given the brownies should be considered done. This is a fundamental element of any recipe.I received this cookbook as a reviewer's copy, and would like to thank the distributor. However, this is not a book that I would spend any money on, nor recommend. While it may present a Christain view to entertaining and traditional housewife lifestyle to which I am sure there is a certain specific audience, I do not believe there is value in the recommendations or the recipes provided.