All Kinds of Trouble...

By Heather Mar-Gerrison

James has been badly hurt and his trust in women is at absolute zero. He’s vowed never to fall in love again. But despite his best efforts, he can’t seem to help himself being attracted to Faith’s best friend, Celeste.
Celeste has her own trust issues going on. She’s never told anyone but she’s terrified of falling in love with a guy. After a terrible experience in her early teens, she doesn’t think anyone will ever be able to break down the walls she’s built up around herself to keep from being hurt again. But there’s something about James that makes her want to try...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Heather Mar-Gerrison
• Release date: Aug 30, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311251152

Heather Mar-Gerrison

I love to write M/M romance and as a sucker for a HEA, you're guaranteed one in my books. #happyheatherafters

Book preview

Prologue

Eight months ago…

I’m sorry James – I can’t…

I heard her. Of course I heard her – I just couldn’t process it. She couldn’t take my ring? She couldn’t promise to be mine? We’d been dating for the best part of two years. I thought we were solid. Obviously, I was wrong… I had to know what it was that I’d done wrong – I’d do anything to fix it. I was in love with her. I stared at her, completely bewildered, B-But, I don’t get it – why? I stammered.

She bit her lip and looked at me for the longest time, Because… she squeezed her eyes shut and then opened them again, a look of utter anguish on her face, because there’s someone else. she whispered.

My heart stuttered. No – it couldn’t be true. Someone else? I was stunned. How could she have been seeing someone else? We were usually together… Do I know him? I knew as I said the words and saw the look on her face that I did know him – and suddenly everything started to fall into place and it became immediately obvious who it was. It had to be him…

She nodded, Me and Sean… I’m so sorry James… she trailed off.

Sean. One of my best friends – right from starting primary school…

I grabbed my bike keys and helmet. I was going to fucking kill him.

I knew exactly where to find him. Dallas, Sean and our other mates, Cameron and Rob, played five a side football. I sometimes joined them but it’d never really been my thing if I was honest. I’d always been more into running. I weaved in and out of the traffic at speed, thoughts whizzing through my mind at a million miles an hour. How could he do that to me? We’d been best friends since we were tiny little kids. He knew I loved her. He fucking knew it… How could she do that to me? Hadn’t I been a good enough boyfriend? What had I done wrong? Had I pushed them together? Could it have been avoided? How long had it been going on? Another million visions started darting through my mind. His lips on her lips, his hands on her body – her hands on his. Kissing… and other stuff. Stuff we hadn’t even done with each other yet. She always reckoned she wanted to wait but the truth hit me like a punch in the stomach – she just didn’t want to do it with me...

My knuckles were turning white on the handle-bars of my bike. I felt hot all over and I’d never wanted to hit anything as much as I wanted to hit him right now. I really wanted to kill him.

I pulled up and cut the engine. Not even bothering to take my helmet off, I ran inside.

He was stood laughing with Dallas about something – not a care in the world. Not a thought for my happiness with my girlfriend. I marched over and grabbed him by his shirt, dragging him almost off his feet, backwards. He yelped in surprise but then, when he saw who it was, I saw something in his eyes that told me he knew exactly why I was there and exactly what I was going to do to him.

Dallas – bless him – was completely bewildered. It vaguely registered in my crazed brain that I was pleased he hadn’t got a clue. If he’d known and not told me, I’d have been so disappointed in him.

I pulled my helmet off and tossed it to him. Look after that. I growled and turned back to Sean. You’ve been seeing Natasha. It was a statement, not a question. I didn’t have to ask. Now that I came to think about it – there were so many clues that they were more than friends, I’d just been too loved-up to notice. The lingering hand on her back when he moved around her. The longing looks between them. I’d been so blind. If I hadn’t been so fucking besotted with her, I might have noticed before now and I might have had chance to process everything a little more rationally – but I hadn’t. I’d been blissfully unaware but then told in a brutally honest way and it was too late now to rein myself back in. The red mist had descended – in fact it had swamped me completely. I really wasn’t in control of anything anymore.

Dallas’s eyes widened with horror as I pulled my arm back and punched Sean in the face with everything I had. Standing a good four inches taller than him and quite definitely a good few pounds heavier, there was no question about it. That was gonna hurt…

He staggered backwards holding his nose but he didn’t do anything at all to defend himself. That lit me up even more. He was willing to steal my girlfriend and sleep with her behind my back but he wouldn’t fight for her? What the fuck was wrong with him?

Fight back, you bastard! I yelled at him. He just stood there and shook his head, real fear in his eyes. Well, that was it. I just saw red and rained punch after punch after punch on him. My knuckles were getting sore and my breathing was laboured with the effort I was putting in, but I didn’t stop.

Sean staggered backwards again and I caught him with an uppercut that almost took him off his feet but he fought to remain upright, I’m sorry, James, he spluttered through his bust lip. I’m really sorry…

I ignored his apology. I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to kill him. Eventually, he fell to the floor and yet still I kept hitting him. I heard his ribs crack, I’d already heard his nose break with the first punch, I could see the blood gushing down his face but still I didn’t stop hitting him. Flecks of his blood were spattering back up and onto my clothes with each blow and I could even feel the spray of it on my face. My hands were covered in his blood and I could smell the sickly sweet-metallic scent, making me feel nauseous. I could distantly hear the panicked voice of Dallas shouting at me to stop but it was faint compared to someone else’s voice that was screaming that he was going to kill him. I didn’t actually register it was me doing the screaming until Rob and Cameron physically dragged me off him with Dallas running to help Sean, who was making a sickening gurgling noise and twitching on the floor.

Dallas dropped to his knees, Oh, my God… he said looking at him helplessly, Call a fucking ambulance, he yelled, "He’s not breathing... Oh God, he’s not fucking breathing!"

I just stared at him in horror and then I started to shake. What the hell just happened? What had I done?

I shook Cameron’s arm off and stared down at my best friend. His face was barely recognizable. Dallas had been galvanized into action as soon as he was aware that he wasn’t breathing and was doing CPR, all the while muttering and swearing under his breath, "Come on man, breathe – please, fucking breathe you bastard, don’t you dare fucking die on me…"

He was dying? That couldn’t be right. I hadn’t hit him that hard… had I? He was screwing Natasha. I managed to choke out pathetically, before I grabbed my helmet off the floor where Dallas had discarded it. Everything that I’d just done suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d just attempted to kill my best friend. I was terrified. Unable to take any more of the drama and desperate to get away from the whole thing, I turned and ran.

*

Dallas came around the day after. Mum, who wasn’t really speaking to me after seeing me arrive home from the scene, covered in blood and not wanting to tell her anything, sent him straight up. Poor Mum had gone into total meltdown at my blood-soaked clothes and had forced me to tell her everything, which I eventually did. I’d been in my room since, not wanting to speak to anyone – and she obviously didn’t want to speak to me either. Dallas peeped round the door, his eyes wary, Alright dude? he asked.

I continued to stare at the ceiling; lost in my dark thoughts. I nodded my acknowledgement that he was there, No, not really, I said.

He took a deep breath and came and sat beside me on the bed, Well, the good news is that he’s off the ventilator and breathing on his own.

I swallowed. Thank God. And the bad news?

Dallas was silent for a moment and then he blew all his breath out and shook his head, "There’s a chance that he might have brain damage. They’ve removed a blood clot this morning that was putting pressure on his brain, which they think has now relieved it – but they won’t know anything more until he comes round – and that won’t be for a few more days ‘cause they’ve had to put him in an induced coma to give his body time to heal."

I closed my eyes. I felt sick. I’d done that to him – one of the sweetest guys I’d ever known. I’d almost killed him – and he still wasn’t out of the woods yet. What the fuck was wrong with me? Oh, that’s right – I was insanely jealous because he’d been screwing my girlfriend behind my back for the best part of a year…

Have you seen or spoken to Natasha? Dallas asked quietly, You know – since…?

I shook my head. No, I managed, Have you?

He nodded, She’s been up at the hospital. We haven’t really spoken to each other…

I swallowed and nodded. Well of course she was going to be there. He was her new guy. I guess she must have been in love with him, ‘cause she sure wasn’t in love with me anymore – if she ever had been. I’d just been tossed aside, surplus to requirements.

I looked at him, Do they know it was me? I was talking about Sean’s parents. I’d got a good idea that Natasha would know exactly what had gone down – and she’d not want to blab, either. She wouldn’t want to have to admit it having anything to do with her – no matter how loosely she was involved.

Dallas shook his head, Cameron, Rob and I didn’t say anything about you being there. We just said we went to the changing rooms and then for a drink and came back out looking for him when he failed to show up. As far as anyone else knows, we came back and found him like that.

I nodded. I appreciated their effort and their loyalty – as misplaced as it might have been – but I couldn’t help the feeling that what I’d done would catch up with me eventually. There were cameras everywhere at the sports centre – and the police would want to find out who it was. I was quite sure they would catch up with me eventually – and that was when I really started to go into meltdown.

Dallas was still trying to placate me, Don’t worry about it, James, he said in his soothing voice, "They’ve got nothing to go on – they can’t get a decent image of your number plate and you had your helmet on, on all of the recordings. We’re not gonna dob you in – the only two that can tell them what really went down are you and Sean and I doubt he’ll want to tell them what happened any more than you do."

I nodded. But I wasn’t really of the same opinion – I mean, why wouldn’t he? My behaviour had been frightening. I had no idea I was capable of such violence – capable of feeling such hatred and wishing to inflict that much injury to another human being. I’d totally sickened myself. I’d realised that I wasn’t right in the head. I should have been sent down – of course I might well still be if he decided to press charges – and I couldn’t deny that I totally deserved it.

Dallas left after a while. He was going back to the hospital and he offered to drive me there – he’d passed his driving test recently and was driving his mum’s car everywhere.

I refused. I couldn’t face Sean – even if he was unconscious. I still couldn’t quite believe what I’d done to him. I felt sick.

Chapter 1 – Starting again

Present Day

James

Breaking up with Natasha – and the subsequent fall-out – changed me.

I was no longer the naïve kid I was then. I was still a kid of, course , just less naïve. I’d almost killed my best friend and for what?

When I really thought about it now it all seemed so futile. Yes, I’d been hurt and I’d really loved her – or at least I’d thought I had. I spent hours – days even, analysing everything. Had I seen everything differently to other people? Had our relationship been more of an obsession on my part than real love? Did I actually know what real love was? I feared that I’d seen her more of a possession – that I had never really loved her and that I’d just seen her as belonging to me. She must have loved Sean – and he must have loved her back since they both cheated on me to be together… and slept together – something she’d never done with me. That haunted me too. What the hell was so bad about me that she didn’t want me that way? The more I thought about it, the more paranoid I got about the whole thing until I decided that I would never inflict myself on another human being for as long as I lived. That was it – no more girls. No more relationships – ever. I didn’t want something like that to ever happen again. I didn’t ever want to feel what I’d felt that day – the overwhelming hatred and jealousy and grief at my loss. Not only my loss of Natasha – but of Sean. In fact, I think if I was going to be completely honest – I missed him more…

I was in a very dark place for months after I’d beaten Sean up. To my eternal shame, I didn’t ever own up and God bless him, Sean never said it was me who had beaten him up. He actually said he couldn’t remember what had happened – that he’d been jumped from behind and that his wallet had been stolen – so nothing else was ever investigated. It was recorded as aggravated assault and the case closed through lack of any evidence.

Thankfully, he made a full recovery but I would never forget the way I felt when Dallas looked up and the panic on his face when he said he wasn’t breathing.

I don’t want you to think I’m not sorry – because honestly – if I could be granted a do-over I would do it all completely differently – or at least I would like to do it differently, anyway. I’d like to think I could just walk away and let him have her – because in the long run – she really wasn’t worth it, anyway. Not for either of us.

I will be eternally grateful to Dallas for sticking by me. I’m sure it was only because we’d been mates forever, but part of me still believes it’s because he was convinced that I’d do something stupid again that he insisted we share a room. And he was some guy wanting to share with me. In my head, I still call it ‘suicide watch’…

I’d put him through enough. He was there when I lost it completely and almost killed our best mate – and then he found me after my attempted suicide. Poor guy – I’ll never get over the shame of the whole thing. I can’t remember much about it – apart from thinking that everyone would be better off without me before I swallowed all the sleeping pills. I drifted off to sleep, happy that I’d solved everyone’s problems, firmly believing that everyone would be happier if I weren’t around, Tyler wouldn’t have a loser brother and Mum wouldn’t have a loser son...

I woke up to find my mother, brother and Dallas all crying at the side of my hospital bed.

What’s happened? I asked, my voice coming out all raspy from having a tube stuck down my throat.

Dallas shot to his feet and grabbed my arm and shook it in front of my face. This, he shouted at me, This is what fucking happened.

I tried to focus on what he was talking about but everything was still hazy. I was groggy from all the pills – they’d pumped my stomach and I was hooked up to a drip and being monitored for all sorts of organ failures.

Mum sat there, wide-eyed as Dallas tore a strip off me, I’ve got Sean down the fucking hall fighting for his life, he shouted, tears streaming down his face and pointing in the vague direction of the door, "and you in here with your slashed wrists and an overdose – what’s gonna happen to me if you two don’t make it, huh? He let out a huge sob, Did you ever think of anyone but yourself in all of this? There were tears streaming down his face and dripping down his bright yellow tee shirt, leaving black streaks from where his eye-liner had run. Tyler had disappeared as soon as Dallas had started shouting. I remember thinking vaguely that Dallas’s mother was gonna really struggle to get his tee-shirt clean. His breathing was coming in big shuddery gulps, And Tyler’s terrified you’re not coming back. You’re a fucking jerk, man."

I suddenly registered what he’d said and I stared at him. Slashed wrists? Oh fuck, yeah. I’d forgotten about doing that. I’d done that right after I’d swallowed the pills – just to make sure...

Shame began to envelope me. He was absolutely right. I had only been thinking about myself. I’m sorry, I said, suddenly realising that I’d been completely wrong – out of my mind really. He might be yelling at me but it occurred to me that he was yelling because he cared. Dallas wanted me to live – and maybe even my Mum and brother did, too…

It was in that moment I decided that I wanted to live, too. I had to make things right – at least with these three wonderful people that had stuck by me… even though I was a jerk.

Chapter 2 – Groomed

Celeste

I remember the first time I ever spoke to Koby. Well –