Decade of Stupid

By Melisa Mae

Initially, looking for love online had been fun. There were no butterflies in the stomach at catching the eye of an attractive stranger from across the room or trying to gather the courage to walk up and say hello. But what the Internet dating scene lacked in quality and excitement was more than made up for in quantity.

After a decade of playing hopscotch in the minefield known as online dating, I had decided it was time to call it quits. For no other reason than to preserve what little patience I had left. I was one step away from issuing high school equivalency exams and lie detector tests to all potential suitors who had opted to contact me through any of the dating sites I had frequented on and off.

The longer I played the online dating game, the more outlandish and ridiculous the contestants became. What had begun as a serious quest for love and companionship had become a comic strip on acid. Any belief I ever had in the industry was gone. The profiles and people responsible for the destruction of that belief had just turned into fodder to distract me from my original goal. Following are just some of those distractions.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Melisa Mae
• Release date: Jun 15, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310530081

Melisa Mae

I'm Miss Melisa Mae and I have a fascination with all things animal print and Def Leppard. I also spend all my money on Vodka and cat toys. Why yes, I am still single. What gave it away?

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Put your gun away. It’s only online dating. – My mom.

That’s easy for her to say, she’s married. Again.

You’re too hard on men. Perhaps you shouldn’t be so picky.

That would also be my mom. And every other married person in my life trying to be helpful.

You know what? Maybe you’re right. Care to help me craft an intelligent and alluring response to WellHung69 or the guy who wants to have a threesome with me and my sister?

Mom was not amused.

Initially, looking for love online had been fun. It was like shopping for a car only with a penis and decent line of credit. Yet, it was all very clinical. There were no butterflies in the stomach at catching the eye of an attractive stranger from across the room or trying to gather the courage to walk up and say hello. But what the Internet dating scene lacked in quality and excitement was more than made up for in quantity.

After a decade of playing hopscotch in the minefield known as online dating, I had decided it was time to call it quits. For no other reason than to preserve what little patience I had left. I was one step away from issuing high school equivalency exams and lie detector tests to all potential suitors who had opted to contact me through any of the dating sites I had frequented on and off.

The longer I played the online dating game, the more outlandish and ridiculous the contestants became. What had begun as a serious quest for love and companionship had become a comic strip on acid. Any belief I ever had in the industry was gone. The profiles and people responsible for the destruction of that belief had just turned into fodder to distract me from my original goal.

Am I bitter? Perhaps. But you might be too if you were repeatedly deluged with emails from men who resembled Randy Quaid looking for a No Strings Attached encounter. I’ve paid my dues. All I really want is a man who doesn’t grow weed for a living. It’s no longer a goal to find the man of my dreams for it has truly become a challenge just to find a profile or receive an email that doesn’t make me want to wash my eyes out with battery acid.

What you’re about to read is a collection of some of the more lamentable emails and instant messages I’ve received over the past few years. They’ve become so tedious in their redundancy of all things stupid as to become almost generic. I’ve begun to long for the unoriginality of the good old days when all you had to contend with was the boredom of reading yet another profile of someone who loved their job, long walks on the beach, and traveling.

The structure of this book might be a little different than what you have come to expect from others of the same genre. I have divided this book into five sections: Young Blood, Who Said Romance Was Dead?, Haughty by Nature, and The Clueless with each being proceeded by a story of an actual blind date gone awry. I’ve done this to help explain why I felt the need to jump ship and look for love in what may now be considered unconventional; in real life.

The profiles you are about to read through have not been altered in any way except to slightly alter the names and any other identifiable information. If you should be reading this and come across your profile, might I suggest a re-write?

MY PROFILE

Before I get to the good stuff I suppose it’s only fair I share my profile with you.

In the beginning, it was a collaboration of positive thoughts and seemingly innocent goals for the future. But by the end of my decade long run, my profile had evolved into what you are about to read. However, let me assure you the responses I received have differed far less than the profile posted at any given time.

Allow me to introduce Myself…

About Me:

First off, I’m a mess. I drink too much, I smoke too much, and my favorite TV show is Cathouse on HBO. I’m not particularly fond of babies who cry, even if they are related to me (although my sister swears I’ll be more tolerant once I have one of my own). I’m in debt up to my eyeballs and can’t seem to hang on to a dollar to save my life. If it’s in my wallet, I can guarantee you it won’t stay there long.

I’m narcissistic and insecure. I love the outdoors but not if it’s too hot or too cold. I don’t care to be out of my comfort zone and don’t like to be inconvenienced. I’m very selfish and will often think of myself first unless I really, REALLY like you. I love my family but don’t really want to see them. I’m still slightly hung up on an ex and I’m highly oversexed. I bore easily and don’t care for rejection. Much like The Godfather, I’ll only ask once.

I’m lazy and once I’m off of work I don’t really care to do much of anything. Level of education is not that important to me and I don’t consider it to be a deal breaker but a basic grasp of the English language is something I prize highly. To say I have issues is an understatement.

What I’m Looking For:

Somebody sarcastic with a slightly romantic side is good. But not so romantic that he sings to me or recites poetry because that will make me laugh instead of swoon. He doesn’t have to love his job just as long as he has one to support my knitting habit.

If he’s sober and doesn’t drink we won’t match. If a non-drinker says he doesn’t mind you drinking he’s lying. The drunker you get the more judgmental he will get. He calls when he says he’ll call and loves to give massages but doesn’t like to get them because I hate to give them.

I want a man with no ex-girlfriends/wives or children. Preferably a virgin so I can mold him to my specific likes and dislikes. A man who hates videogames would be ideal.

One more thing, IF after I have just posted 987 photos and we get to talking and/or emailing PLEASE don’t ask if I have any more pictures. Especially if you have none or only one posted yourself. If you still insist on asking me this then you are an idiot and good luck getting to first base.

For Fun:

I love to watch people and make fun of them. I adore knitting but only knit scarves because I don’t have the patience to follow a pattern. I feel at home in craft stores and have bought so much crap that I could and should actually open up one of my own. I also love to paint, draw and write. I love to talk about myself and watch documentaries on MSNBC.

~~ * ~~

It’s true, I’m an absolute mess. I own it. I guess you could say I’m a glutton for punishment and should know better. Anyone who mentions Cathouse in their profile is probably not going to be contacted from anyone of the Christian right unless it’s to save their soul.

My profile is/was probably a good example of what not to do when looking for love online. In my defense, if anyone was actually offended by what I had to say, then we probably weren’t meant to be anyway (primarily because it’s all true).

PUT YOUR JUNK AWAY

I recently took a quiz on Facebook. The quiz was expertly titled How Well Do You Know Men? My score was: 0% – Pathetic (their words, not mine). I proudly posted my score for all to see finding it amusing yet realizing that that one quiz pretty much summed up my entire dating and relationship history.

Really giving this trivial yet meaningful quiz a lot of thought I figured the way I had been