& Guest: (And I Will Not Be Afraid of Women)

By Ryan S. Kaluzny

You are cordially invited

& Guest (And I Will Not be Afraid of Women) follows the exploits, trials, and frequent misadventures of Randall Fox, as he makes his way through the minefields of the dating scene. It's a comedy, mystery, drama, and romance all crammed together into one riotous story. The novel explores Randall's often-desperate search from "adulthood" to pre-pubescence and back, to capture that mythic beast called true love.

Each chapter tells a separate, yet inter-related, tale that moves Randall sometimes closer, but more often farther from his intended goal of finding his ideal woman. He has to suffer the humiliation of watching his womanizing best friend get married, and he does not yet even have an "& Guest" to take to the wedding. All the while, Randall is forced to witness virtually all of his friends around him couple up, while he wonders if he has indeed become the last single man.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 22, 2003
• ISBN: 9781469730318

Ryan S. Kaluzny

Ryan Kaluzny vehemently denies that the protagonist?s quest to find true love is based on his personal experiences. However, coincidentally, he is still on his own search for love. Ryan currently works as a Judicial Staff Attorney. He graduated from University of Michigan, and resides in Royal Oak, Michigan.

Book preview

Contents

Acknowledgements

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

CHAPTER 17

CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER 19

CHAPTER 20

CHAPTER 21

CHAPTER 22

CHAPTER 23

CHAPTER 24

CHAPTER 25

CHAPTER 26

CHAPTER 27

CHAPTER 28

CHAPTER 29

CHAPTER 30

CHAPTER 31

CHAPTER 32

CHAPTER 33

CHAPTER 34

CHAPTER 35

CHAPTER 36

CHAPTER 37

CHAPTER 38

CHAPTER 39

CHAPTER 40

CHAPTER 41

CHAPTER 42

CHAPTER 43

CHAPTER 44

CHAPTER 45

CHAPTER 46

CHAPTER 47

CHAPTER 48

CHAPTER 49

CHAPTER 50

CHAPTER 51

CHAPTER 52

CHAPTER 53

CHAPTER 54

CHAPTER 55

CHAPTER 56

CHAPTER 57

CHAPTER 58

CHAPTER 59

CHAPTER 60

To my mom and dad, whose love and support are unwavering, and whose relationship

is my benchmark.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to:

-Rhonda Copeland, my editor

-My brother Todd, and his family

-The rest of my family

-Jason Klein, Josh Chinitz, Danny Rosenberg, Seth Roseman, Todd Gesund, &

David Singer

-To all the girls I’ve loved before…

-Julio Iglesias & Willie Nelson

-Kevin Smith

-The Dawgz

-All of my housemates: past, present, and future.

-George Lucas for Star Wars (Original Trilogy only)

-Dennis Rodman’s feet

-The United States Postal Service

-Dar Williams & Eric Clapton

-The makers of the classic film, Footloose

-Iuniverse.com

-Anyone who bought this book that you’re holding in your hands right now.

-And anyone else I forgot to thank (yes, that means you)

You mean you don’t know who she is?

Not really. Am I supposed to?

You should.

Can’t you just tell me who she is?

No.

Why not?

I’m not a miracle worker.

Clearly.

You have to figure this out on your own.

How did I know that you were going to say that?

CHAPTER 1

ALL GOOD THINGS

Randy.

No answer.

Randy!

There was still no answer.

Randall!

Rick must have been yelling very loudly, but I could not be sure because I did not hear him.

The sound of heavy wood and metal crashing onto the ground must have been stunningly loud, as well, had I heard it. My chair had sprung backwards and fallen onto the linoleum floor. The restaurant was jam-packed, so at first I was not even sure if anyone else had heard it, either. They must have, but I didn’t care.

Even through the congested eatery, I still saw her as she walked in. In fact, she was the only one I saw. I did not see the six couples that I was sitting with staring at me, nor did I see anyone else entering the restaurant. I only saw her. Nothing else, and no one else mattered. Only her, only us, only we mattered. When our eyes met from across the crowded bar, I immediately lost any air that was in my lungs. She was even more beautiful than the image that I had idealized in my dreams. I tapped my hand on the table to make sure that this was real. I was still not sure. She took one step in my direction, and I knew that it was as real as it gets. I felt my watch tighten up around my wrist as my pulse sent the blood rocketing through my body. My heart was thumping madly in my chest, almost as if it were trying to escape. Could everyone hear that, too? I didn’t care.

As I stood there fully erect, I did not dare take my eyes off of hers. I firmly placed my foot on the table, and while the table wobbled back and forth, they were the surest steps that I had ever taken. Three quick strides and I cleared the table. I felt all two-dozen eyes at my table, and hundreds of others, stare at me in astonishment as I walked over the table, but I didn’t care.

I envisioned myself sliding through the patrons with ease. In reality, I bumped into virtually everyone in my path. She too made her way towards me, but with much more grace and elegance. Something about her drew me to her in a way that was almost primal and instinctual. When we were mere steps away from each other, I felt every pore in my body sweat. I grabbed her wrist and gently, yet at the same time violently, pulled her towards me. Chills danced over my body at her slightest physical touch. I placed both of my hands on her soft face as I pulled her in closer to my body. I felt her slender hand gently stroke the back of my neck. Then she yanked my head towards hers. Her soft lips pressed against mine, first lightly, then with great force. Everyone in the restaurant melted away. I could not see their shocked looks. I could not hear their hushed gasps. I didn’t care.

There were only the two of us in the room-in the world. We continued our passionate embrace. I had never felt like this before, and could not stop myself. Our bodies hugged each other like two pieces of a puzzle that have finally found their homes. My right arm slid down her body, across her tender neck, down her back, and finally rested on her slender waist. I felt her fingers slowly dance around my neck.

Everything just felt so right. It was like my entire life was preparing me for that moment. I was not going to make the same mistakes that I had in the past, however, without those experiences, how else could I be fully prepared for the real thing? Finally, I had found something raw, basic, totally real, and absolutely right. I wanted that moment to continue on for the rest of my life. This time, I am not going to let her go. No matter what it takes, I am not going to let her get away from me. Not again.

CHAPTER 2

THE INIVITATION

I woke up in a panic. I leaned over my empty queen-sized bed, looked at the clock, and saw that it was nearly noon. Then I realized that, fortunately, it was Saturday. My head pounded as I tried to get up and out of bed. I collapsed back down and my head sank back into my comfortable pillows. I had way too much to drink the night before. I would have loved to stay in bed forever, but unfortunately, I never did get that bedpan installed, like I had dreamed. I was forced to get up and relieve myself. Then I crashed back down into bed and just laid there for another hour or so. I was trying to piece together the events from the previous night, but I was not having much luck.

Eventually, I made it out of bed, and even out of my small, but cute, ranch house. I went for a short jog, hoping to clear my head of the previous night’s haze. I was really getting out of shape, but three years of working sometimes- insane hours at the law firm can do that to a person. By the time I finished my run, I was breathing pretty heavily. I skipped the rest of my workout and hit the shower.

I was finally able to walk around naked! It seemed really strange to, at long last, have the entire house to myself. It was really quiet, but I enjoyed it. For the first time in my life, I was living by myself. No family. No roommates. Eventually, I threw on some clothes, ate some breakfast, and then vegged out on the couch for a little while. I probably should have gone in to work for at least a few hours, but I was too damn lazy.

I heard a rustling at the door. I got up and walked over to the door, but I accidentally knocked over a picture frame. I carefully picked the frame back up and placed it exactly where it was before I knocked it over. Then I quickly made it over to the front door and saw that the mailman was there. I reluctantly opened the door as he approached.

Hey, Randall! Haven’t seen you in a while.

Norman was a friendly man, too friendly. Norman looked a little like Santa Claus without the beard, red nose, and rosy cheeks. Before he became my mailman, I had never known, let alone talked, to any mailpersons that had delivered my mail. After getting to know Norman, I knew why that was.

Hi, Norman. Shot anybody lately? I asked, sighing.

Just three co-workers, but they had it coming, Norman cheerfully replied.

Good to know that some things never change.

So, did John move out? Norman asked looking down at an envelope.

Yeah, he’s gone.

Douglas has been gone for a while, right?

Yeah, I replied.

Didn’t he move in with his boyfriend over on Third Street? Norman asked, as if he was more shocked by the fact Douglas was living in that part of town than by the notion that he was living with his boyfriend.

Yeah, boy, you are good.

Good, nah, I’m the best.

I wish I took as much pride in my job as you take in yours.

Thanks, Randall. So you’re the only one living here now?

Just me, all by my lonesome, I replied.

Well, would you tell Doug and that little vixen, Lisa, along with the rest of your former housemates, to file change of address forms with the post-office? Norman asked as the smile vanished off of his face.

If I talk to any of them, I certainly will let them know.

I know that you still talk to Lisa.

Yeah I do, but you just want to know her new address.

Sure I do. What is it?

I can’t tell you.

You can tell me, I’m the mailman, Norman said, as if the term mailman was analogous to Superman.

No, I can’t tell you.

Why not?

Lisa told me not to tell you.

I can find out anyway.

I m sure you can.

So why don’t you tell me?

Because she told me not to tell you.

Fine!

Fine.

Just make sure she fills out a change of address form, or who knows where her mail will end up.

Okay, I’ll tell her.

Good, because if any other carriers attempted to deliver my route, they’d be totally confused.

I’m sure. I’m lucky to have such a dedicated letter-carrier.

You got that right. Hey, what happened to that girlfriend of yours—you know, the one that used to get some mail over here?

Good-bye Norman.

Oh, okay, I guess that’s over, yet again. How many times is that now?

I said nothing.

Okay, I can take a hint. I can see that you’re still a little sensitive about that. Well, take care of yourself, Norman said as he handed me my mail and began to walk away. Looks like another one of your friends is getting married, he shouted when he was nearly at the next house.

I looked down at my mail and, sure enough, there was a large envelope that looked like a wedding invitation. The envelope was addressed to Mr. Randall Fox & Guest. I ripped open the invite. The wedding of Rebecca Anne Silverman? Who the hell was that? To Richard Bartholomew King? The Prick was getting married? This had to be some sort of joke.

Prick, is this some sort of joke? I asked over the phone.

Nope. Believe it or not, Rick’s deep voice chimed.

I don’t believe it.

It’s true.

It can’t be true.

Oh, but it is.

Last I remembered, you started dating some girl named Becky, and now.

I’m getting married.

It’s not that girl from Vegas?

Jo-Jo? Yeah, right. And remember, what happened in Vegas stays in Vegas. Or do I have to bring up ‘Candy?’

Fair enough. But this just doesn’t seem right. I mean, you were the one that was supposed to be the bachelor, and I was supposed to settle down with a wife and maybe a child on the way, I said. Wait a minute. She’s not pregnant, is she?

No, she’s not pregnant. I love her, and if you can believe it, she loves me, Rick said with conviction.

Wow.

I know. It’s crazy.

Well, congratulations!

Thanks.

Where did you guys meet, again?

Well, we actually met in a coffee shop—pretty boring meeting, but you know what? She went to college with us.

Did you know her in college?

No. I had to move hundreds of miles away to meet her.

That’s pretty crazy.

I know, but do you know what is even more crazy?

What?

That palm reader was right.

I thought about it for a minute.

That’s unbelievable, but I’m sure that it’s just dumb luck. She wasn’t right about much else.

I knew that you’d still be skeptical.

Hey, it’s in my nature.

I know.

But enough of that. I can’t believe that you’re getting married!

Don’t worry; it hasn’t sunk in for me yet, either.

Wow. Here you, of all people, are getting married, and I don’t even have an ‘and guest.’

I thought you were going out with—

Yeah, well that’s over. I said, cutting him off.

Oh, sorry. Knowing you, I’m sure you’ll find a girl to take to the wedding. Hell, you’ve got around a few months before you have to decide who you’re going to bring with you to see me married off. I have great faith in you.

That makes one of us.

I’m sure that you’ll at least find someone to bring with you, and if not, Becky has a couple of hot friends.

Are they single?

Who cares? Just kiddin’. She only has a few single friends left, but you know how weddings are like Spanish fly to women.

Alright, well at least I have a few options.

Oh, I almost forgot to ask—would you stand up in my wedding?

Of course. Thank you.

Hey, I didn’t really want you to stand, but you’ve been in so many weddings that I knew you’d do a great job.

Thanks.

Just kiddin’.

I know. I would be honored to stand for you.

Great. Well, I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta run. Becky can’t wait to meet you.

This Becky must be a saint.

She is. She is.

After I hung up the phone, I looked out the window to make sure that the Apocalypse was not upon me. While I was happy for Rick, I suddenly became very depressed. I could not believe that Rick the Prick was engaged and I was back to square one. I felt very alone. It was the kind of loneliness that made my chest feel hollow. I felt that if I lifted up my shirt and looked down, I would find a giant void where my chest should be. It was the fear of never finding her. Was I ever going to find the one? Hell, not only did I not have the one, I didn’t even have an and guest.

CHAPTER 3

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED

Do you think that you’re going to go to heaven?

I sure hope so.

Great, because I can take you there right now—my room is just one flight up.

Go to Hell!

She stormed away so fast that she nearly mowed Doug and I over.

Prick, I have to give you credit, you’re definitely not bashful, I said.

Hey, it’s her loss. Besides, I’m sure one of her sorority sisters will feel differently, Rick responded. Rick was the sort that didn’t exactly dress to impress. He always looked just a little sloppy. Of course, his perpetual need to wear flipflops, regardless of the weather, did not help his cause.

You’re one brave man, Doug told Rick. But aren’t you worried about what she thinks of you now?

Fuck no. What do I care what she thinks?

Happy hunting, I told Rick, as Doug and I made our way through our crowded fraternity house towards the keg. No matter how much we had the pledges clean the house, it always still smelled like stale beer. As usual, there was a large crowd gathered around the beer. One of our pledges saw us coming and poured a cup of beer for each of us, fortunately for him, and us.

Thanks a lot, Drew, Doug called out over the loud music. Doug, unlike Rick, was always impeccably dressed. I think he was the only guy in the fraternity to even own an iron. Doug’s sandy brown hair was always neatly trimmed and never moved, even in the harsh fall and winter winds. Doug grew up in a very strict religious home, which he outwardly accepted, but inwardly rejected.

Sir, yes, sir, Drew shouted back.

You don’t have to use ‘sir sandwiches’ at a party, I told him, shaking my head.

And you never have to use them with me, Doug added.

Sirs, yes, sirs, he answered back loudly.

Doug and I just grabbed our beers and moved on. We made our way through the party and talked to a few girls, but none of them really grabbed our attention. We ended up just hanging out with some of the other guys. I was getting pretty sick of fraternity parties. Each party was just another average night of drinking skunked beer and waiting to meet the girl of my dreams.

When the party had pretty much cleared out, I made my way upstairs to my small single room. As I walked down the dimly lit hall, I passed by Rick, who had his tongue down some girl’s throat. They were going at it just outside the door to his room. Rick was trying to open the door in the midst of their deep tonguing. I helped him out and opened the door for him. Rick’s room consisted of one king-sized bed, which was diagonal to the rest of the room. There was no possible way to get into his room without going onto the bed.

Some people have hobbies, and Rick was no different. It just so happened that Rick’s craft was seduction, and he gave himself to it with all of his heart.

’Night, Pricky, I called out as I passed by.

Sleep well, Rick said, coming up for a breath. Because I know that I don’t plan on doing much sleeping myself.

Unfortunately, Rick’s room was right next to mine, and the walls were made of inch-thick plaster and nothing else; needless to say, I heard them going at it all night long. I had to turn on some music to drown them out. As I laid awake hearing them moaning and groaning, I felt pretty lonely. I most definitely did not sleep well.

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

The next morning, I woke up to Rick shouting at the top of his lungs. I was so startled that I actually got up out of my bed and went out into the hall to check on him, wearing only my boxers. As I entered the hallway, I saw Rick running downstairs. I followed him. He was just sitting in the brotherhood room staring out the window.

I never thought it was possible, but I think that I have finally topped myself, Rick told me, still staring out the window.

What are you talking about? I asked, as I tried to breathe out of my mouth. The kitchen smelled like a mixture of stale beer and moldy, rotten food.

That girl up there, who is lying naked in my bed, is by far the skankiest, nastiest, fattest, most repulsive girl that I have ever hooked up with!

I don’t know, remember that one girl in the dorms?

This one is worse! What the hell was I thinking? Rick shouted.

Shhh! She can probably hear you through the paper-thin walls here.

Good. I hope she hears me and is gone by the time I go back in there.

The very least you could do is show her out. She is still a human being.

She’s more beast than man!

She can’t be that bad.

Didn’t you see her last night?

No, it was too dark in the hallway since the bulb burned out a month ago.

It gets worse; I don’t think that I was wearing a condom.

That is bad, I said, shaking my head.

And I was totally beer-goggling! How could you have let me hook up with her? Rick asked me.

How could I have stopped you?

I don’t know, knock me out until I’m unconscious. Shove my head in the door and close it on my head repeatedly. Something like that.

I’ll remember that for the next time.

You have to help me get her out of here before the rest of the guys wake up. If they see her, I’ll never hear the end of it.

It’s ten o’clock in the morning. Nobody’s going to be up for at least another two hours, I reassured him.

"Who is that half-naked, nasty skank lying face down in the