Pinch Me

By Adena Halpern

LILY MARRIED THE MAN OF HER DREAMS.THEN SHE WOKE UP.

“Never marry a man unless he’s short, bald, fat, stupid, and treats you badly.” That is the advice that twenty-nine-year-old Lily Burns has heard her entire life from her grandmother Dolly and her mother, Selma. Despite this, when she meets Gogo, the handsome, successful pediatrician who treats her like a queen, she has no choice but to let her heart take over. When she agrees to marry him, Dolly and Selma are inconsolable. They decide it’s time to tell her the truth: their family is cursed. If she marries for love, there will be unimaginable consequences.

Nevertheless, Lily and Gogo elope. Unable to believe her good fortune, Lily asks Gogo to pinch her—to make sure all this isn’t just a dream. The moment he does, Lily finds herself transported back to the house she lived in when she was single. Gogo is gone. When Lily tracks him down, she finds that he’s married to someone else and has no memory of her. In this modern fairy tale, Lily must find a way to break the curse and turn her nightmare back into a dream come true.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Atria Books
• Release date: Jul 19, 2011
• ISBN: 9781439171158

Adena Halpern

Adena Halpern is the author of the novels 29 and THE TEN BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE and TARGET UNDERWEAR AND A VERA WANG GOWN- NOTES FROM A SINGLE GIRL'S CLOSET, a memoir which was based on her popular "Haute Life" essays for the back page of Marie Claire magazine. In addition to Marie Claire, Adena has written for Daily Variety and The New York Times. She has a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in dramatic writing from New York University and a Master of Fine Arts degree in screenwriting from The American Film Institute. A proud Philadelphia native, she resides in Los Angeles with her husband, television and screenwriter Jonathan Goldstein.

Book preview

1.

Never marry a man unless he’s short, bald, fat, stupid, and treats you badly." In my head, I hear the words my grandmother, Dolly, has been saying for years. And above all else, if you find yourself in love with a good man, run for your life!

This what I’m thinking as Gogo gets down on one knee at the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris and presents me with a three-karat emerald-cut ring.

Gogo.

Handsome with a full head of hair, treats me like a queen, summa cum laude Harvard Medical School graduate: Gogo.

Gogo.

The good man I’m madly in love with.

I can’t really hear what Gogo is saying, but it sounds like something to the effect of You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, both inside and out… you’re the woman of my dreams… Will you do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me? I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying. My head is clouded with all those times my mother and grandmother sat me down and warned me that men are the enemy.

The good ones are no good! I hear my mother, Selma, shouting. Sure, they start out so nice and proper and they want to give you their hearts. Trust me, it’s all a ruse!

So will you marry me? I hear Gogo say as I snap out of it.

What? I ask to stall for time.

Lily. He smiles as he speaks with a nervous tone in his voice. Lily Joan Burns. Will you marry me?

I’m sorry, I say, shaking my head, trying to get his words straight. I didn’t hear you clearly. Did you just propose?

I’m on one knee presenting you with a ring. Why else would I be doing this?

Oh, of course, I say, trying desperately to break a smile. All I can think of though are Selma and Dolly, back in Philadelphia, pleading with me as I packed my bags before I left.

Just promise us you won’t come back engaged, my grandmother begged.

It would be the biggest mistake of your life, my mother added.

So, will you marry me? he asks again with a huge smile on his face. His voice is as joyful as I’ve ever heard it.

I stand there not knowing what to say. It feels like the longest few seconds I’ve ever spent in my life. Gogo’s smile fades from his face.

Don’t you want to marry me? he asks quietly, looking a little panicky. He’s still down on one knee and he’s got that ring in his hand. People all around us are pointing and smiling at the man proposing to his girlfriend on top of one of the most romantic spots in the world. One couple, an overweight woman in black wearing gobs of jewelry and her husband who is half the size of her, are holding on to each other and watching what should be the happiest moment of my life.

That man is proposing! I hear the overweight woman say, shaking her husband’s arm in excitement. Get the camera, Larry!

I’ve got it, Barb, he says, taking the camera out of his fanny pack.

Why you’re even going to Paris, I don’t know, Selma complained. It can only lead to bad news.

Oh please, Mother, I said. He wants to take me away. I’ve never been to Paris before. Don’t worry, Mom. Gram, he’s not going to ask me to marry him. I know Gogo. We’re both career people. And we’ve only been dating for a year. No one in their right mind would ask a person to marry them when they’ve only known each other for a year.

Look, I know we’ve only known each other for a year, Gogo says, still on his knee. That knee has got to be in pain by now, still leaning on the cement observation deck. It’s just that, well, when you know, you know.

I’m not going to lie to you. Even though I was telling my mother and grandmother that there was no way Gogo would propose, I had a feeling he would. No one with as perfect a relationship as we have would fly his girlfriend over 3,700 miles to the most romantic city in the world and drag them to the top of the most romantic monument in the world if they weren’t going to propose. Deep down inside, this is what I knew when Gogo gave me the itinerary.

"A week in Paris. We’ll stay at the George V. I’m going to take you to all of my favorite bistros. I can’t wait to show you the Mona Lisa. I’m planning a whole day at Versailles. The first thing we’ll do when we get there is go straight to the Eiffel Tower."

I could have said no to the trip. I could have told him that if this trip was all about proposing, I wasn’t ready to get married. I didn’t though. The truth is I want to marry Gogo. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.

I’m getting hungry. Are you hungry? I ask, as I spy some kid eating a sandwich. I figure it’s as good a diversion as any.

That’s your answer? Gogo says, finally getting up while rubbing his knee.

Well, kind of, I stammer, but I do, I do want to marry you. I take Gogo in my arms. He looks embarrassed. He’s looking down with a blank look on his face. The ring is still in his hand.

I don’t know, Lil, he says, sounding a little ticked. I was looking for something more along the lines of ‘I love you too, you’re the greatest guy I’ve ever known, blah blah blah, yes, there’s nothing I would want more than to spend the rest of my life with you…’ He looks at me with a combination of hurt and bewilderment in his eyes.

I’m just… I’m just confused. Maybe we could wait a little bit.

Oh, thank God, I hear my grandmother and mother in my head say in unison.

What the hell? he asks confused. Aren’t you happy with me?

Honestly—I sigh—I’ve never been happier.

So what’s the problem?

Did she just say no? I hear Barb, the overweight woman say to her skinny Larry. Oh what a shame.

I’m not saying no, I call out to her.

So what are you waiting for? Barb puts her hands on her hips as if she wants to scold me.

So what are you saying? Gogo says, taking a step back.

Gogo, I’m crazy about you. I’ve never felt this way about any other man before in my life.

So say yes! Barb shouts.

Say yeehaw! another woman in her fifties shouts with a thick southern drawl.

Right? Barb says turning to her. If a man as handsome as that proposed to my daughter, Lucy, I’d say yes before she could get the words out of her mouth. Wouldn’t we, Larry? she asks her husband.

He seems like a nice guy. Larry shrugs.

Look, can you give me a minute? I holler out to the women.

Larry is still taking pictures of the whole scene.

Larry, Gogo calls out exasperated, can you put the camera away.

Both Gogo and I are getting annoyed at today’s crowd of American yentas atop the Eiffel Tower, so Gogo takes my arm and opens the door leading me into the inside of the observation deck.

I’m just confused right now, I say, walking over to the food counter.

You had to know the relationship might be heading this way, he tells me. I mean, falling in love, moving in together, never having a big blowout fight. It must have dawned on you that at some point we might want to make this relationship official.

No, of course, of course I knew that we would get engaged one day. I don’t know anyone who gets along as well as we do.

So what’s wrong? he asks.

It’s not you, I utter, before I’m about to come out with the other half of the cliché. It’s me.

So, what? You’re not ready?

I still love you too, I tell him. I love you like crazy.

But…?

I’m just not ready.

Gogo takes a deep breath and exhales. I don’t know what else to do but look at him with sadness. My heart is just aching right now, for Gogo, for me. It’s killing me.

Gogo walks up to the food service counter. I can only stare at him looking dejected among all the happy, hungry tourists at the counter. Deux sandwichs d’oeuf s’il vous plâit. Aucunes tomates sur le sien, Gogo orders as he turns to me. I made sure there’s no tomatoes on your sandwich, he tells me with disdain. The subject has changed, but the tone of incomprehension and resentment is still in his voice.

Gogo knows I hate tomatoes. He always remembers. Gogo always remembers how I order my food. God, I feel like crap. What is the matter with me? Why do I care what Selma and Dolly think anyway? I’m not five anymore. I’m a successful, smart woman who should think for herself already instead of listening to those two shrews.

Look at Gogo standing there watching the server make our sandwiches. He looks so forlorn. I feel like the worst person on the planet. What’s the matter with me? I just turned down a marriage proposal in lieu of a sandwich.

Why do I listen to my mother and grandmother? Why am I so afraid of them? Just because they’ve had nothing but sadness and heartbreak in their lives with anything involving marriage doesn’t mean that I will. It’s not like I haven’t told them that before.

Why do you think that what happened to you will happen to me? I complained to them as I finished packing my bags.

Because we know! My grandmother shuddered. The Burns women are not meant for true love, she tells me. Just listen to us. We don’t want to see you get hurt like we were.

Trust us, my mother added. We’re doing this for your own good.

Look, I say, touching Gogo’s back and standing to the side of him at the counter. It’s not like anything has changed. It’s not like I don’t still love you. It’s not like I’m going to move out after we get home.

You just don’t want to marry me, Gogo says dismissively as he takes the sandwiches from the guy behind the counter.

I just… I can’t, I tell him as he hands me my sandwich. I can’t explain it. I just… I just can’t. Now come on, let’s go outside on the observation deck and you’ll show me Paris. You said you’d point out Notre Dame.

I don’t want to go out there again, he tells me.

It kills me that I’m upsetting him. I’ve ruined everything.

Well, we’re here, I tell him softly. Why don’t we just see what we came to see and then we’ll leave. Who knows when we’ll be here again?

I’m not quite sure if that was the right thing to say.

I mean, I’m sure that we’ll be here again. Together. I just mean who knows when that will be?

Gogo relents and opens the door for me again as we head out to the observation area. We’re both silent as we look out at the beautiful city. The thing is, I can’t see anything. My head is swimming with thoughts. I can’t concentrate on what’s in front of me at all and I know Gogo is feeling the same way.

So will you? I hear a male voice behind me as Gogo and I turn around. I mean I know it’s only been three months, but when you know, you know. So will you?

Like you even have to ask! I see the young woman with tears in her eyes staring down at the man proposing to her.

You want to get out of here? I ask Gogo.

Yes, he says. Let’s take a walk or something.

We’re sitting on a bench in the Champ de Mars eating our sandwiches out of cellophane wrapping. The park is packed with tourists taking pictures in front of the Eiffel Tower. Two adorable blond children speaking French are playing with a small poodle. An elderly couple sit on a blanket with a picnic basket full of cheeses, feeding each other parts of a baguette between kisses. Everyone is a part of the utopian scene here on this field except for the two of us.

I’m sorry, I tell Gogo again. I really am.

Hey, he says, putting his arm around me. It’s okay.

Does this ruin the trip? I ask him.

Well, it doesn’t exactly make it any better. He laughs. Do you still want to see Paris?

I’ll make it up to you, I swear. Though I can’t imagine how I could.

Look, I’m upset. Can you blame me? Who wouldn’t be? he says. But maybe you’re right. Maybe it is too early in our relationship to ask you to marry me. Maybe I’m being too quick about things. I just thought everything was going so well. I just thought, well, I’m crazy about you, Lil, and I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I just thought to myself, well, if it’s this good, it’s always going to be this good.

I have nothing to say. He’s right. So I take another bite of my sandwich as we sit in silence. It’s something I can’t believe myself. From the second we met, it was as if the stars aligned. I knew I had found my soul mate.

It was like a scene out of a movie.

Jonah had just ended things with me for the fifth time. He had asked me to meet him for lunch at Continental Mid-town. Short, bald, fat, and a big-time jerk, Jonah was my grandmother and mother’s dream catch for me. I shouldn’t have cared one iota about Jonah, only there was one thing that kept bringing me back to him. It wasn’t his generosity. (Jonah is the kind of guy who yells at waiters and only leaves a 2 percent tip.) It wasn’t his looks. (Jonah buys his suits in the husky man’s department.) It wasn’t his choice of music. (Jonah blasts John Mayer.) Still, my mother and grandmother were crazy about him and I had the one thing I wanted: I had someone. Truth? I was so lonely. Lonely and desperate. My internet dating profile might as well have read like the Statue of Liberty, Give me your tired, your poor … I was sick and tired of being alone. Sure, I’d been asked out by a lot of good-looking, kind individuals. But Dolly and Selma’s words always made me turn them down:

It’s the good ones who have something to hide. A bad egg can be your biggest blessing.

This message had been hammered into my head for as long as I could remember. When you hear it enough, no matter how smart you are, you start to believe it.

Look, babe, Jonah said as he bit into his tuna sandwich, leaving a hunk of it on his left cheek. I’m not going to beat around the bush. It’s not me, it’s you.

But things were going so well, I cried. Didn’t you tell me the other week when you came back after breaking up with me that you were in this for the long haul?

"Depends on what your definition of long haul is," he chuckled.

Tell me what I did, I cried.

You work a lot, he said putting his chubby fingers on my shoulder.

I’m successful, I reason. I’m the youngest vice president of current advertising that Sacki and Sacki has ever had.

And that’s a big part of the problem, he said. "I’ll start to depend on you to bring home the money and then right after the I do’s, the next thing I know you’ll be quitting your job to become a lady who lunches and where will that leave me?"

You do well.

Of course I do well, but a person can get used to living on two salaries.

So I won’t quit my job.

And then what? he continues. You pop out a couple of kids and that gorgeous body of yours goes to sag city and what am I left with? A couple of screaming brats and a wife I’d be embarrassed to show in public? I’m sorry, Lily, he said, standing up. You’re a nice girl and all, but that’s not the kind of life I want for myself. See you around, he said, walking out of the restaurant.

I put my head down. I was so upset, so torn. It wasn’t like I even wanted a guy with absolutely no redeeming qualities to him, it was just that, well, Selma and Dolly insisted. My elders should know what’s best for me, right? That’s what I always figured. You have to understand. It’s not like I didn’t know that a guy like Jonah wasn’t worth an ounce of my time. After all Selma and Dolly had said to me, I just didn’t know who was right.

Excuse me, I heard a voice say at the next table as I buried my head in my napkin. I didn’t mean to overhear that conversation, but did that guy just break up with you?

Yes, I sobbed.

And you’re crying because …

Because I’ve had it with men, I said. That guy was the best thing I had going for me. What am I going to tell my mother?

You’ll tell her that you deserved better than that.

For the first time since he started speaking to me, I looked over at him.

In a word: breathtaking.

If Hugh Jackman and George Clooney had a baby together, it would be this guy. The way his dark hair just flowed. Later, I would laugh whenever elderly women approached him on the street just to run their fingers through it, and he let them! And those eyes. Gogo’s eyes are literally like pools of sparkling blue water. Perfect nose, perfect chin.

Bottom line: He was perfect. My grandmother and mother would hate him.

I don’t normally get involved in other people’s problems, but come on, that guy was the worst, he continued.

I know, I know he was, but you don’t understand.

Understand what? he said, looking out the window at Jonah getting into his bright fluorescent yellow Hummer and shrugging off the parking attendant with his hand out asking for a tip. Oh that’s perfect. He added, Am I on some hidden camera show?

No. I laughed. It’s a long story.

I’ve got the time, he said. My name is Gogo, by the way.

Gogo? I laughed again. Is that your real name?

Kind of, he said.

What’s your real name? I asked.

Oh, that’s too personal, he said. I don’t usually tell a woman my real name until we’ve been dating for a couple of months. For me giving it up is telling a woman my real name. That’s when I know the relationship is meant to be.

And how many special women have there been? I ask, I admit, flirting a little bit.

Up until now? he asks.

Yep.

Two, he answers, melancholy. One in the fifth grade. She left me for Rob Appleby, who had just moved to New York from London. Accents. The other was Rhonda, just after college. She broke my heart. She left me for my roommate, or rather, she climbed down from the top bunk to the bottom bunk.

Bummer. I tried to see this guy through Dolly and Selma’s eyes. He looked to be in his midthirties. Why hasn’t he been in a serious relationship since Rhonda? I thought. He looked like the kind of guy women would drop their greatest loves for. He must be a player, I thought. He’s after my bank account. Maybe he is worth a chance… No, not now. I need a break.

Well—I held out my hand—it was nice meeting you, but I have to be back at work.

It’s a really good name, he said. It’s worth spending the time to find out.

Thank you, I said getting my keys from my purse, you’re very sweet. I’m just not looking to date right now. You know, I just got out of a relationship. I think it’s only right that I spend a little time by myself before I start dating someone new, you know, why bring that baggage? I excuse myself, trying to shrug him away.

From what I saw of the girth of that guy, that’s way too much baggage for anyone to bear.

So how much time do you think a person should spend mourning a relationship?

With a guy like that?

Yeah.

Five minutes ago would have been too much time.

This made me laugh.

Come on, how about I join you for lunch? he asked. I can’t leave a woman crying into her salad.

No, I say, I don’t think so. I’m really not hungry anymore, to tell you the truth. I think I’m just going to go back to my office and bury my head in some work.

You know what always makes me feel better when I’m down? he asks as he motions the waiter. The waiter promptly comes over to him.

Two hot fudge sundaes, please, he orders.

Oh, no, I tell him as I shake my head at the waiter, that won’t be necessary.

Trust me. He nods to the waiter.

Five minutes later Gogo had joined me at my table and we were gorging on the sugary delight.

We haven’t spent a day apart since.

Three months into our relationship, Gogo and I were lying in bed after yet another round of the best sex I’ve had in my life when Gogo turned to me.

It’s Stanley, he said.

What?

My name is Stanley Goldblatt, he said.

I burst into hysterics.

And that’s why I never tell anyone my name.

No, it’s a good name, I said through my tears of laughter.

It’s an awful name. It was my grandfather’s name, he died just before I was born, and my mother wanted to name me after him.

"So she couldn’t have just used the S and named you something normal … uh, Steve, Stuart, even Sal, something more, uh, less awful?"

Evidently he was a very good man. My mother said he was the perfect father. Always kind to her, he spoiled her with lots of love.

Your mom was lucky. I sighed, thinking of the five men my mother married, the ones I called Dad, but only because I couldn’t keep all their names straight since they came and went so quickly.

Gogo is short for Goldblatt, he said. I just couldn’t change my name. I didn’t want to hurt my mother’s feelings. It makes her feel better to know I wouldn’t change my name.

What about using your middle name? I asked.

Gogo winced. Angus.

Stanley Angus Goldblatt, I recited. S. A. G., I said, thinking maybe he could do something with the initials, but… Sag. Wow. I took a deep breath. You are a really good son.

Speaking of mothers, he said, when am I going to get to meet your mother and grandmother? You’re always mentioning them, and I’ve never even heard their voices. Don’t you think it’s time you brought me home to them?

I can’t do that yet. I’m not ready. They’re funny about men.

They must be if they wanted you to be with that Jonah guy.

Well, they’ve been through a lot with men. They just don’t want me to get my heart broken like they did. It’s just a defense thing they have.

You really think they’d hate me? he asked.

They’re just cautious, I said. It’s like you respecting your mom’s wishes and not changing your name. I respect my mother’s wishes in not bringing home the perfect guy.

So really, what you’re saying is that bringing home the right guy would be the wrong thing to do.

That’s right, Stanley.

You know your family is weird, right?

You don’t even know the half of it. I sigh.

So I moved in with Gogo after we only knew each other for three months. I kept my house so Selma and Dolly wouldn’t get suspicious. Gogo cracks that he almost broke up with me when he saw where I lived. Truth be told: I was a slob when I met Gogo, but

Reviews for Pinch Me

[ravenswoodpublishi-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

ADENA HALPERN'S "PINCH ME" (REVIEW)This book is hilarious and sweet at the same time. Lily Burns is a woman cursed to never find true love. With the advice given to her by her mother and grandmother she decides to forgo this and find love anyway only to realize it was all a dream. In order to get back the man she fell for she has to go through a whole new scenario and convince him that he's in love with her regardless that he's already married.This book was delightfully funny, with just the right touch of romance that keeps you reading to the end. Adena Halpern is a wonderful writer with the ability to keep you interested. I highly recommend this book!-Kitty Bullard / Great Minds Think Aloud Book Club

[ethel55_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Lily Burns found the perfect man in Gogo Goldblatt. What she didn't realize was the extent of the family curse placed on the women of the family by a great-great aunt. Her mother, Selma and grandmother Dolly must be the bearer of the bad news in this case. Part fairytale, part chick lit, Lily tries to break the curse and win the alternate version of Gogo's heart. Halpern writes some of the scenes so vividly they come to life easily. Particularly when Dolly tries to feed Gogo and then wipes his chin.