To Have & To Haunt (#4, The Possess Saga)

By J.A. Howell

*Book Four of The Possess Saga*

Ghosts aren’t the only thing that can haunt you...

Nolan and Harley have been in paradise for the last year, head over heels in love. When Nolan proposes and they find out Harley is expecting, it seems they both will have everything they ever wanted.

Or will they?

Nolan’s kept the horrors of his past locked away. After all, he has Harley and Finley’s Pub is doing great. None of it matters anymore, right? But when the news of nuptials and babies has the opposite intended effect with his estranged mother, the ghosts of his past come rushing back, and the memories of them are terrorizing him nightly. But he can’t tell Harley. On the verge of marriage and parenthood, Nolan must figure out a way to deal with his past, or let it consume his future with Harley.

Harley’s always known she wasn’t normal. Seeing Brody’s ghost only confirmed that. But now a killer is on the loose in Midtown and she’s having visions of each victim’s death. Will she be able to help them and accept just how different she truly is? Pregnant, engaged, and contending with an overbearing mother-in-law, Harley isn’t sure she can take on the responsibility and the future laid out in front of her.

They say love conquers all. But as Nolan and Harley struggle with their own secrets, will their love be enough to keep them together?

Or will the things that haunt them finally tear them apart?

• Language: English
• Publisher: J.A. Howell
• Release date: May 8, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310821318

J.A. Howell

J.A Howell is an office drone by day, and a writer by night. Her love of writing took off when she was eleven years old and decided to fill a composition notebook with stories to read to her friends. Many years (and notebooks) later, not much has changed. She still loves writing and sharing her works with others. When she isn’t writing, she can often be found trying her hand at whatever artistic pursuit strikes her fancy. J.A. Howell resides in Apopka, FL with her husband and their menagerie of animal children.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

An Extra Christmas Present

Baby, everyone’s gonna be here shortly. Ya almost done in there? Nolan’s voice came through the bathroom door.

Um, yeah, I’ll be down in a few.

Alright, love. I’ll go down and get everything set out.

I let out a breath as I heard the door to our apartment close then returned my attention to the ominous little screen on the pregnancy test.

Please be a minus sign, please be a minus sign.

A few seconds later, a little pink plus sign appeared in the box.

No, no that can’t be right. I ripped open the foil wrapper of another test, ensuring I followed the instructions word for word. A few minutes later, another pink plus sign appeared.

Shit! I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror shaking my head. I needed to tell Nolan, but everyone would be here soon. How do I even tell him? What is he going to do? Shit! Nolan and I had discussed having a kid at one point, but it never was a definite with either of us.

Well, I suppose it is now.

C’mon, Harley. You can do this. My fingers gripped the counter. After a couple deep breaths I stood up straight and tucked one of the tests in the back pocket of my jeans.

As I came out from the stairway I could already hear several voices coming from the front of the pub. I pushed the kitchen door open to see everyone—my mother, Angus, Aggie, Camden, and Nolan—staring at me.

Sorry guys, I didn’t realize everyone would already be here. Nolan? I started for him but he stood and pushed his chair back, walking toward me. I slowed and turned my head, nodding for him to follow me to the kitchen but he was oblivious. His hand grabbed mine as he stopped a few feet from the bar and turned to everyone else. Wait, what the fuck is he doing?

Um, before ya guys dig in, I’ve got something I want ta say. Nolan’s hand reached into his back pocket and he turned toward me. All at once I felt the blood draining from my face and my stomach lurched uncomfortably. Shit!

Nolan, I think we need to—

Don’t worry about the stuff in the kitchen right now, love. I can get it in a second. Nolan grinned. His hand patted mine and he got down on one knee. Jesus Christ... My mother let out an excited squeal. I jumped but kept my eyes on Nolan’s.

Harley, I know we’ve been talkin’ about it fer a little while, but will ya marry me?

Nolan! I...It’s just. I struggled to form words, my mouth gone dry. I glanced around at the others to see them regarding me with shocked expressions. Nolan too was staring at me, his lips pulled into a tight thin line as his eyebrows scrunched together.

Christ woman, yer not goin’ ta tell me ‘No’ are ya?

I shook my head at him. No! Shit, I mean, no I’m not. It’s just…

Crap. I can’t say it.

Weel whit, then? Just say ‘yes’ fir feck’s sake sae we can eat! Angus’ fist pounded the table and Camden snickered next to Aggie.

Well, it looks like I don’t have much choice. I reached into my back pocket, pulling out the pregnancy test and kept my nervous gaze on Nolan. He studied it as I brought it forward, tilting his head with puzzlement. It slowly registered in his blue eyes. His mouth opened slightly, and his pupils zeroed in on the stupid little plus sign. I tugged his hand to force his gaze back up to me.

It’s just, I’m pregnant. I finally answered. Nolan’s face went white and one eyebrow ticked up in surprise. A second later, he slumped over onto his face at my feet and the room went silent with the resounding thunk of his head hitting the hardwood.

I looked up at the table, horrified until my gaze met my mother’s. Her eyes grew perfectly round, her lips curled at the edges, and her excited squeal jarred everyone into motion. Before I knew what was happening she pulled me down against her chest in a tight squeeze, letting out more odd, jubilant, bird-like noises. I pulled out of her grasp to check on Nolan. Aggie and Camden had pulled him into a chair and he was blinking, looking around in a daze until his clear blue eyes connected with mine.

P-pregnant?

Yep.

Oh. Well... He looked around, patted his back pocket, then reached down and picked up the jewelry box he’d dropped. Can ya help me ta the kitchen, love? Nolan stood, his legs still shaky. I grabbed his hand and glanced back warily at the others before we disappeared into the kitchen. Once the door swung shut behind us, he let go, leaning back against the counter.

Ya coulda warned me before blurtin’ that out in front of everyone, ya know.

I was trying to, but you made that a bit difficult. I said flatly. He only grunted in reply. His jaw tightened and his eyes narrowed, staring off into nothing. A tight knot formed in my stomach as I watched him. Both of us stood there silent, contemplating the no longer hypothetical thoughts of a child. His expression was completely unreadable when his gaze returned to me then shifted to my stomach.

I’m sorry if this wasn’t what you wanted! I couldn’t control the tears that welled up in my eyes. No doubt there was an increase in hormones running through me, aside from the other warning signs I’d noticed in the past week. Embarrassed, I turned for the stairs, but Nolan caught me around the waist and pulled me against him. His strong arms embraced me.

Ey. I never said I didn’t want that. Ya surprised me, no doubt, but it’s the most beautiful Christmas present ya could give me. He nuzzled his face against my ear, his voice low and soothing.

Really? I turned back to him still sniffling and he only smiled.

Mmhmm. The only other thing that would make it perfect, he pulled the ring back out and inched it towards my ring finger, is if ya’d finally tell me yes so I can put this on ya.

I let out another sniffle, wiped my sleeve at my nose, and held my hand out to him. Both of us let out a laugh, whether from happiness or nervousness, I wasn’t sure.

Yes, Nolan Finley. I’ll marry you.

*****

When we reemerged from the kitchen there was a scramble of footsteps on the other side of the door. We came into the front of the pub to find Aggie and my mother settling back into their seats. They flashed each other conspiratorial grins and looked toward us, eyes beaming in delight. Angus was gnawing on a giant turkey leg and didn’t pay us any mind as we sat in our seats.

So um. Merry Christmas. Nolan laughed then started to load his plate with food. I did the same, my stomach threatening a large growl as it gnawed at itself both from nerves and hunger. We settled into a quiet meal with idle chit chat here and there, but I noticed Aggie’s keen stare fixed on Nolan in amusement. I could never guess what was going on behind those green eyes of hers, or what she would say next. Finally, after taking a sip of her drink, a wide grin spread across her face as Nolan’s eyes finally met hers.

So Nolan, when you planning to tell the big news to your parents?

He had just shoveled a forkful of mashed potatoes into his mouth, and in an odd snorting choke, some of it shot back out from his nose. I reached over, patting his back. He grabbed for his beer, still coughing. Aggie leaned against Camden, biting her bottom lip to keep from laughing as Nolan glared at her.

What’s the issue with telling his parents? I frowned, looking between the two of them. I’d yet to meet Nolan’s parents, but knew from overhearing that he talked to his dad every few weeks and had told them about me. We just hadn’t had the time to go see them, and they hadn’t been to Midtown. But they would be here for New Years’.

Well, Nolan’s mom is more on the traditional side. If not for um... the whole Claire thing, I’d suspect she’d think her son still a good little virginal Irish boy. Even if there was plenty of evidence to prove otherwise.

I glanced over at Nolan. He shrugged, cleared his throat, and wiped the mashed potatoes from his face. She might get a tad bit upset that yer expectin’ and we’re not yet married.

Oh. I looked down at my own plate, now even less anxious to meet them than I’d already been.

I’m sure it’ll be fine, Harley. He grabbed my hand under the table and gave it a reassuring squeeze. But his voice and the tenseness in his shoulders was less than convincing.

*****

It was getting late by the time everyone left the pub. Nolan sent me upstairs, insisting that he could clean up by himself. We hadn’t gotten much time to talk about everything and it all still felt pretty surreal. This morning I had gone from girlfriend, to fiancé and expectant mother. I looked back down at the ring on my finger. Two teardop shaped diamonds were fixed into a heart between two hands, and a crown inlaid with smaller diamonds rested atop the heart. I ran my finger over it for the hundredth time that day. Footsteps came up the stairs behind me. A moment later, Nolan’s strong arms slid around me. His chin rested on my shoulder and from the corner of my eye I caught his smile as his fingers ran over the engagement ring.

Do ya like it?

Yes.That symbol, I started, it was on the locket Brody got for Aggie, wasn’t it?

Mm, yes it was. He pressed his cheek against my hair and let out a content sigh, It’s a Claddagh. It means, ‘I give ya my heart with both my hands, and crown it with my love.

I smiled then, though a few tears pooled in the corners of my eyes. Even though Brody had moved on, he still crossed my mind every day. If it wasn’t for him, Nolan and I might not be together. I might not even be alive.

I like that. A lot. I turned my head so that my cheek pressed against his.

I’m glad. I never asked ya what ya might like so I wasn’t sure. But I really wanted ta give ya a Claddagh. His finger brushed over the ring again, I suppose I can be a bit traditional myself.

His words brought the impending visit from his parents back to mind and I swallowed hard, feeling a little unease.

Do you think they’ll like me?

Ta tell ya the truth, Harley, I’ve not been on best terms with them. Usually, I avoid them visitin’ after everything that happened before.

But none of that was your fault. If they didn’t know that then, they have to now.

They never doubted me about that. It was more how I got myself into that mess in the first place. I felt his arms tense around me. He didn’t like talking about what had happened between him and Brody’s girlfriend, Claire. In his mind it would always be what led to his best friend’s demise.

You were young. I rubbed his arm and he turned then, kissing my cheek and pulling me closer. I relaxed against the comforting warmth of him.

Yep, young and stupid. My mother likes ta remind me of it and its part of the reason I’ve avoided her the most. Nonetheless, I thought it time ta have a proper visit with them. I figured telling them I’m engaged to a beautiful, loving woman would help in burying the hachet as well.

So you think they’ll be happy about us getting married?

Why wouldn’t they?

For starters, you knocked me up.

A rumbling laugh tickled my ear and his hands slid down over my abdomen. Ah yes, I did that, didn’t I? Wouldn’t that be more my fault than yers, not keeping my hands to myself and all?

I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with your hands.

Hmm, no. But I’m sure it started off with ‘em. I caught the devious flicker in his eyes.

Mmm hmmm.

Which reminds me... His hands slid down to my thighs and his stubble brushed against my neck.

Nolan!

What? I can’t get ya pregnant again, can I?

No, I suppose not, but— My words cut off with a gasp and he let out a husky chuckle in my ear, more than pleased with his effect on my ability to speak. His stubbled chin brushed up to my jaw and I met his mouth with mine, tasting the sweetness on his lips left over from dessert.

You taste like my cupcakes. I giggled.

He let out a snort and turned me to him, backing me against the window and grinning at me. Mmm, they were pretty good. Perhaps I can have another serving, eh? With that he buried his face in my cleavage, his laughter against my skin making me squeal.

Stop it! Stop it, that tickles!

Oh, ya didn’t mean those cupcakes? Nolan lifted his head up, his blue eyes beaming with mischief.

No. Not quite. I stifled my laughter as blood rushed to my cheeks.

Hmm well they taste just as sweet.

Yea, well, they won’t be cupcakes much longer, according to my mom.

He smiled and his hands cupped my breasts. His lips twisted thoughtfully as he looked down at them.

Have they already gotten bigger? They feel fuller.

I think so. They’re a bit tender too. I’m not sure how far along I am. His gaze remained on them in rapt fascination and I saw his thoughts turning over behind it. You sure you want this?

Am I sure? His gaze returned to mine with a look of shock, Harley? Why wouldn’t I want this? I want you. I want you ta be my wife. Maybe things happened slightly out of order, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

My jaw clenched as I stared into his eyes, searching and finding no trace of doubt in them. I love you. So much.

And I love you, he pressed his lips to mine in a light peck before his lips curled into a grin. Now, about those cupcakes.

CHAPTER TWO

The Secrets That You Keep

Every bone in my body ached as I gripped the towel around my waist and walked into the showers with the other men from my cell block. Suspicious, persecuting stares watched me. I walked past to the open showers at the end of the room and kept my head up, my jaw set tight as my muscles tensed. I recognized a few that had jumped me and beat me the other day in the cafeteria, but didn’t flinch when their eyes bore into me.

Men like this could smell fear a mile away. Even if I was scared, I didn’t dare show it. Peering back over my shoulder, I kept my guard up. Hesitantly, I loosened the towel from around my waist and hung it on the metal hook by the rusty shower head. I twisted the knob and a moment later a shock of cold water assaulted my skin, instantly causing my body to shiver. I dipped my head underneath the cold current, closing my eyes. For a very brief moment allowing myself escape from this hellhole.

Feck, how did this happen? The question bore into me every day, every minute that I was here. I opened my eyes again, grabbing the harsh soap and washing my curly hair that had grown even shaggier since they’d thrown me in here. I checked over my shoulder again, but luckily everyone else seemed busy with their own showers.

Claire’s dead. Everyone thinks you did it. My thoughts tortured me constantly. I leaned back under the icy water. One stupid night had ruined everything. My life, my friendship with my best friend. And Claire. Someone had killed her and made sure it looked like I was the one responsible.

I’d never felt so hopeless. I’d never felt so hated. Even in here I was a pariah. A rapist, murdering pig.

My eyes shot open as someone cleared their throat behind me and I spun around, muscles tense once more, prepared to fight. Fights, getting jumped, getting my life threatened had all become a part of my daily life here. My body was covered in bruises and cuts, varying in shade from dark plum, to fading yellow and green. My knuckles were raw from defending myself. Even with those injuries, I had fared better than others I’d seen. I hadn’t been wheeled out in a body bag...yet. But unfortunately, I seemed to make new enemies every day. My fists were raised and I stared at the man who’d cleared his throat. Surely he was another enemy too. At my 6’ frame the man still managed to tower over me. His lips curled into a sneer. Four other men stood behind him, surrounding me. What they lacked in height, they made up for in bulk and muscle.

"Hmmph. So this is the tough guy I’ve been hearing so much about." The man’s deep scratchy voice made my skin crawl as his eyes raked over my naked body a little too comfortably.

"What the feck do ya want? Ya’ve come ta kick my arse too?"

The men only laughed, moving closer. I took a step back, my shoulders scraping against the cold, scummy tiles.

"He is a bit of a fiesty one, ain’t he? The man turned to one of the other men, jabbing him jokingly in the ribs. I’m sure we can fix that."

My stomach twisted. The other man leered at me, but I fought back the sickness and stared him in the eyes with a dark gaze as I squeezed my fists tight.

"I’ve not done anything ta any of ya. Just leave me the feck alone. I’m not looking fer any trouble." I kept my voice even despite the racing beat inside my chest.

Don’t show them any fear.

"Ha! Not looking for trouble? You raped that poor bitch and killed her!" The man laughed, taking another step toward me. I glanced around to find that all the other men—even the guards—had already cleared the room. I swallowed hard, praying none of the men surrounding me noticed.

Don’t show them any fear.

"Do you know what we do to guys like you, Finley?"

Don’t show them any fear.

"I didn’t feckin’ hurt her."

The man’s smirk only grew. He stood inches from me and the other men closed in on either side of me. You didn’t answer my question. Do you know what we do to filthy rapists like you? Hmm?

I stared back at him, my gaze hard. I gritted my teeth. I had to get out of here. But how?

I didn’t respond and his grimy large hand gripped my face. I nearly gagged when he leaned closer and his hot, stale breath brushed my face.

"Don’t know, hmm? The same fucking thing we do to the other disgusting perverts and child molesters."

"I’m not a feckin’ rapist." My voice was strong despite my rapidly dissolving calm. They laughed and my anger flared. In one quick motion I ripped the shower head from the wall, swung it against the man’s jaw, and forced him back from me. The others backed away and for a brief moment I thought I might escape. But someone else slammed my head against the wall, sending bursts of light shooting across my vision. I stumbled, fell on my knees, and sputtered as blood gushed from my nose and my lip.

"Sonofabitch. That fucking hurt!" The large man’s foot kicked me in the small of my back and I fell forward, sharp pain arching through my spine. Before I could recover, the man grabbed hold of my hair, lifting my head so that I was looking him in the face. He laughed and slammed my head against the floor with a sickening crack.

Everything was blurry, fire burned through the side of my face, but I forced myself up on my hands and knees.

Don’t show them any fear.

"Where the hell you think you’re going, buddy?" Another fist connected with my temple and my head bounced against the floor. Everything was spinning. A foot kicked me hard in the ribs and I groaned, curling into myself as I tried not to retch.

"Just leave me the feck alone! I didn’t do it! I didn’t hurt her!" I fought back the tears that threatened. I couldn’t cry. Not here.

Don’t show them any fear.

"Right. I forgot, everyone’s innocent in here, aren’t they?" The man towered over my crumpled form, his voice teasing and cruel. I tried to pull myself up, my hand reached for the wall, but someone’s heel ground my fingers against the tiles and I hissed in agony. Tears seeped from the corners of my eyes as the pain overwhelmed me.

The man’s hand patted my cheek then gripping my hair once more, he kneeled down in front of me and lifted my face to his . Come on, guys. It’s time this pretty little Irish boy here got a real introduction to life behind bars.

He slammed my head against the floor again and blood dripped into my eyes, obscuring my vision. The darkened figures laughed and moved around me, forcing me up on my hands and knees.

Whatever you do, don’t show them any fear.

*****

Hands gripped my shoulders and I tried to shake myself free. Harley’s voice cut through my half-awakened state.

You okay? She turned on a bedside lamp, her eyes studying me with concern. I looked around the bedroom, confused before my attention returned to her.

I’m fine. What’s wrong?

You were thrashing around in your sleep, babe. You nearly knocked me off the bed. Her hand brushed my cheek, cool and soothing against my sweat-dampened skin.

It was just a bad dream, I said and reached for her, but she pulled back.

Bad dream...about what? You were trembling when I tried to wake you, and I swear you looked like you were going to kill me before you fully came to.

I’m sorry. I would never hurt ya. Ya know that.

Harley crossed her arms over her still bare chest and frowned at me, a crease forming between her eyebrows.

I know that, but what’s going on? Is it just the dream you told me about? When you were stabbed in the yard?

Yeah. It was just that dream. I nodded and reached for her again. This time she didn’t pull away. She curled up against me, her long waves of black hair cascading over my shoulder. My back muscles eased at the feel of her next to me and I took a deep breath, breathing in the smell of her shampoo—sweet and spicy like apple pie. Her fingers drifted down over my abdomen, trailing the long smooth scar that went down the side of my stomach.

I love you, Nolan. I’m sorry it happened, but you’re stronger because of it. She whispered, her eyes already starting to drift closed once more. I held her tight, taking solace in her presence, in the weight of her in my arms, and pushed back the guilt crawling up inside me.

I did still have dreams about the stabbing. Of me standing in the yard on my own before a group of inmates attacked me and tried to stab me to death. But they were nothing like the other dream. My stomach quivered, nauseous at the thought of what she’d pulled me out of. I could never tell her about that one. How would I even begin to tell her something like that?

I’d only ever told Aggie about what happened, and she’d swore to take it to her grave. She’d understood I could never bring myself to talk about what happened that day. Maybe Harley would understand too, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. I’d tried the last time the dream happened, but the words only lodged in my throat.

How do you tell the woman you love, the woman you are vowing to protect and honor the rest of your life, that you couldn’t even protect yourself? While it had been over a year since everything had happened with Harley’s ex—him raping her, then coming to Midtown intent on killing her— I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what happened to me. It would pull all that back up. She didn’t need that, and I didn’t need her to see me in that light. No. After it happened I’d already felt less of a man than I used to be. Better she didn’t see me that way as well. Harley was right about one thing. I had survived it. But I had my doubts that it made me stronger. The vivid memory haunting my subconscious only ten minutes ago made me feel quite the opposite.

CHAPTER THREE

Jellybean

I woke up a few hours later, still curled against Nolan’s chest. His breathing was slow and calm now. Every couple of months or so I’d wake to find him thrashing around, groaning in pain through gritted teeth. His chest flared with labored breaths. Each time, I’d shake him awake, watching a look of deep pain and rage flash in his eyes before he fully awoke. Each time it happened, my heart wrenched for him. I couldn’t imagine what he went through when he’d been falsely imprisoned for Claire’s murder. I wished I could take it all away from him somehow.

Sure, I still had my own demons that haunted me. Some nights I still saw Jackson looming over me the night he almost killed me. But I’d killed him. I knew he was dead. I knew enough about what happened to Nolan to know that whoever had stabbed him, most likely had gotten away with it. Maybe that’s why it still bothered him so much.

Disentangling myself from him, I planted a soft peck on his lips. I didn’t want to disturb him now that he was sleeping peacefully and I needed to schedule an appointment with the doctor.

Time to verify whether, in fact, we really are having a baby. Hey, false positives can happen.

My stomach lurched as soon as I was upright, and I bolted to the bathroom, barely managing to lift the lid before I got sick.

No...no you’re definitely pregnant.

By some miracle, Nolan managed to sleep through my lovely grunts and groans of morning sickness. I grabbed the phone off the cradle, dialing my doctor. Surprisingly someone was actually in the office and I managed to get an appointment for later in the morning. As nervous as I was about having a baby, at least I didn’t have to wait a couple more days to confirm it. Pleased with myself, I crept back past Nolan into the living room, when I heard a soft, twinkling giggle.

The hell?

Hehehehe! Kitty! It came again as I peered out into the living room. Remy let out a low, rumbling purr from somewhere on the other side of the wrap-around sofa. A small toddler sat indian-style next to Remy, stroking the plump, orange tabby’s belly and giggling. I looked toward the door but the lock was still in place. Finley’s didn’t open for a couple more hours either.

Remy’s