I Went to College For This: Chronicles of a Wise Ass Former College Student
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About this ebook
Washed up and a failed TV journalist – at the tender age of 23 – Alex didn't know what was next. Lucky him, after desperate and uncertain months of looking for a job with no results he landed the career of a lifetime. With four years of university behind him and degree in hand, he was now washing cars for a living. Now that he'd procured his bright new future he asked himself, is this what he went to college for, preposition at the end of the question and all.
College grads around the country held to the commonly served, piping hot pile of BS that a degree is a license to print money. They did what they were supposed to. They went to school, took out student loans, did the right thing and then – all of a sudden – reality hit them like a Sallie Mae payment. That's when they realized that their college degrees, and all that effort they put into them, didn't amount to the cumulative personal debt held by college grads, much less the paltry wages their “entry-level” jobs were paying them.
I went to college for... is a light-hearted, irreverent comedy. Chock full of anecdotes about the many misconceptions of college, it's value and necessity, the financial and career realities post college and a collection of tongue and cheek cliches.
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I Went to College For This - Alexander Holmes
I WENT TO COLLEGE FOR THIS
CHRONICLES OF A WISE ASS COLLEGE FORMER COLLEGE STUDENT
By Alexander Holmes
Published at Smashwords
Copyright 2013 Alexander Holmes
Smashwords Edition License Statement
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means - electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other - except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Table of Contents
Dedication
Prologue
Introduction
COLLEGE
Useless academia
And now a word from friends
Fuck, shit, damn, bitch, ass
Reading is for Chumps
Am I surrounded by idiots
Butt ugly girls
And now a word from friends
Ugly people are taking all the space from all the beautiful people
Beast
The two brother rule
Isolated Ugly Syndrome
And now a word from friends
A job with dynamic
in the work environment description
And now a word from friends
Whoever said stereotypes are wrong never worked in customer service
And now a wise ass moment
Common sense aint all that common
Waste, Weight & Wealth
To make a resume and then be asked to fill out an application, which repeats my resume verbatim
The idea that I should volunteer for a position before I’m qualified or worthy of employment
And now a word from friends
The racist
Step into the 21st
An entry level job
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times - If at the third time you were fooled I would say you're dumb ass deserved it you idiot
Aint nothing going on but the rent
To do the things idiots do
Dick’n Around
People in hell want water, but they ain't gonna get it
Burns my biscuit
Being charged for putting my loans in deferment
People are always Dipping their bucket in my well
College Bookstores are rip-offs
College is the Greatest Scam in America
Being told I need more experience
Shut that crap up
Yo’ ass is grass
What’s that in mommies butt?
To take test and write essays, but I’ve never done that for work
Excuses make stories not results
Nobody likes a chub
I hate the gym
Fat doesn't make excuses it just stores
To make chump change
A Girl Bet Not Ev’a Call Me Nice
Cuban women children
More
A nonsense job that’s going to change the world
Skank whore (fast)
Prost’a tot
You pay for who you are and I’ll pay for who I am
A job where I have crazy customers
Aint nothing going on but the rent II
Are you spit’n some game
Who is this uncircumcised Philistine
Whore of Babylon
A job where I have to explain its morality
Dribble’n lip syndrome
MiggleTo take any random job!
Super saved
Knick names
And now a word from friends
To apply for jobs that dicked around
Conclusion
Epilogue
About the Author
Dedication
For this I say thanks. I was once a wide eyed college grad who – even though I understood the many fallacies of a college education and the egalitarian nature of the real world
– persisted in my endeavor to climb to the top of the proverbial career mountain. There was just one itsy-bitsy problem and that was that life just kept happening, and not in a good way. But one perseveres, one trolleys on. It was out of the disasters of life that my commitment to this book came about, so here’s to you life and all the cock suckers you’ve thrown my way – be they situations or people. Thank you.
Prologue
My name is Alexander Holmes, and I, too, as you probably have gone on and pursued higher learning. To give you an understanding of my credibility, first you need to understand that I am a holder of three degrees. A doctorate in wisenheimer – so expect nothing less than the epitome of sardonic styling’s, and a Masters in ascertainment as well as a BA – but when one has two higher level degrees it matters little what the BA is in. So, now that you know my credentials, you can now fully trust what I say because I have given you iron clad proof that every word I say is backed by exceptionally prodigious degrees – which you yourself probably don’t have. Now, I don’t intend to come across as condescending, but the hard fact is that for all intents and purposes of this book I’m the expert.
I am the omniscient narrator, which – for all of you who skipped junior high literature class – means that basically I’m King Kong round here. I dare not say that I’m God in this book, but I’m pretty darn close. Everything you’ll read here is based on fact, and while the stories may be a little exaggerated I want you to remember that in this book I’m all knowing not you – so I have what’s to be called poetic license; and if you don’t like it that's too bad - of course – you may still heed my next suggestion. If you don’t agree with what I’m saying in the book, then just call all your friends, tell them to buy and read – well really just buy – the book and then after you’ve added to my get Alex out of debt fund,
then all of you sit down and talk about all the things in the book that you don’t agree with.
If you feel the need to write me after that, then don’t – well no, do – because if your letter is good enough I might just use it as material in my next book. In that case, I would give you a thank you letter - and depending on the sale of the book, I might give you a free copy. Back to my exaggeration, I am given to hyperbole – but what good story teller isn’t? In order for you to understand this book, you need to understand two things:
1.That I don’t like school and never have
2.The times we live in
I have – for a long time – been the kid with a lot of talent, but no initiative. I don’t know if you identify, but I’ve never really saw the point of school. I was always – and still am during work – the kid looking out the window wondering what the rest of the world was doing or drawing a place I thought I wanted to be.
If I was born in the sixties or something, I would’ve been called a dreamer - but because I was born in the eighties I was the talented kid. I remember my best times in school, besides my art classes, were when we were on field trips to Manhattan. I got to see the life I wanted when I was in the city. The rush of things happening, the excitement of discovery that is New York City filled my head and boundless ambition – which so succinctly characterizes Manhattan, enraptured me. When I was in school, I didn’t see any of that. I saw a bunch of kids from Brownsville who would probably stay there and never really achieve anything great. I hate to say that because many of the people in Brownsville are phenomenal, but it is what it is. So, there you have it. If you ever want to know why people don’t like school, just look out the window – and ask, what is enticing about the future these students see? No one ever asked that question when I was in school and subsequently the answer I got wasn’t all that appealing. Sadly for me though, I’m a black man who hates sports. I played football in junior high and went out for the team in high school, but I was like – aint no way I’m gon’na sit here and get screamed and cursed at when I don’t even want to be here, so I quit. Moreover, I can’t rap – so there you have it I didn’t ball, I wouldn’t be the next Reggie Bush and I sure as hell wasn’t gon’na be the next Brooklyn prodigy like Biggie or the diamond child – that’s what I call Jay Z.
This might sound really sarcastic, but people always ask me why I went to college and my response is always – besides the fact that in my house it was just understood that we were going to college – that my parents didn’t have a trust fund waiting for me, so I had to do something. Armed with that pragmatism, I went on my merry little way to college and had to deal with more of that academic nonsense – and that brings me to the point of this book. You see, I did my due. I went to college, I graduated and went out to get a job. My first career job paid meager wages. It was $10.10 an hour to be precise. Can you believe that? I don’t know what’s worse that I was offered that or that when I was speaking with my banker about it she replied that that was a good starting wage. This is the problem! If the zeitgeist of America is one which believes that it is alright to offer a college grad that, then I would submit to you that it isn’t better to go to college. That’s a little about me, and I trust that you will now be able to fully understand and appreciate my comedic styling’s at the ridiculousness of college. Anyway – I hope this portion was funny on some level because I only put this here to help fill the word count quota.
Introduction
Welcome to my wonderful world of words. I say my
because I’m claiming them. I don't know if you've ever been around black people, but we tend to take ownership of things that might not necessarily be ours. Now, for the past twenty some odd years I have been black or at least I think I'm black. I mean, I could be wrong - but I've been waking up with this brown skin, well I was a little liter before I moved down south. Anyway, I remember one guy in particular - who is black - who would always tell people that they couldn’t say this or that because those were my words,
he would say. He’d say this as though he had created the words and owned the rights to them. Now, I find this hard to believe as I am a bit of an amateur etymologist, and I’ve never run across him during my research. We can all laugh at him because laying claim to what’s not yours is pretty pathetic, but unlike him I do own the rights to all the words in this book - so if you repeat anything in this book without my permission well let’s just say things won’t go well with you. Seriously though, I want you to enjoy every comedic moment - and think over your life and the moments when you coin your own phrases.
You’ve graduated from college or, for those of you with a truly superior intellect, university -