The Black Fossil

By Rodney Mountain

Jim Stalin thought he was a nondescript government agent on a mission to find an artifact that has long been missing. He doesn't know where it is or why he's looking for it, but he thinks that all questions will be answered when he gets there.

Join him and his insane friends as he goes on an adventure the likes of which haven't been seen since Leslie Nielsen had that love child with John Cleese.

A 2004 National Novel Writing Month winner, this insane story takes the absurdity of a Monty Python movie and inserts dozens of really bad running gags to the far extremes as they look for The Black Fossil.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rodney Mountain
• Release date: Aug 4, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465894960

Rodney Mountain

Born in 1977, Rodney Mountain has been writing books for 14 years. Starting with 1998's "The Healy Murders" he has continued writing various novels since then. He is married with two children that have so far failed to drive him completely insane.

Book preview

Foreword

It's been nearly seven years since I went through this experience and time has given me a new perspective on just how truly insane it is to try to write a coherent novel in just thirty days. The fact that I finished five days early doesn't really say much for my sanity at the time.

I've written a total of thirteen books and a fairly lengthy short story compilation and I'm still not sure what to do with this one. It is in stark contrast to my usual style that is for sure. Usually I go for anything between action/adventure, mild science fiction or even Epic Fantasy with the Mullinix Trilogy.

If you downloaded this book expecting to find more of the same, well… You're going to be disappointed. This book is probably the craziest thing I have ever written. This is from someone who routinely writes about serial killers and immortals, so let me tell you that is really crazy.

The Black Fossil is a comedy. It was intended to be the literary equivalent of the bastard love child of Leslie Nielsen and Monty Python. In some ways I think it succeeds admirably, in others I mainly cringe when I reread or even think about it.

I did notice after finishing the final edit that I'd made a lot of Michael Jackson jokes. I guess this was because I'd seen a lot of stuff about his trial on TV while writing this. Unfortunately, the jokes are nowhere near as funny now as they seemed to be before he died.

All in all, this book is good for a few chuckles and certainly is not the worst thing I have ever written. If you take it for what it was intended to be it is a cheap bit of entertainment (especially since I plan on releasing it for free).

In the end it all added up to be a National Novel Writing Month winner, which is exactly what it was intended to be. So kick back, have a few cheap laughs and enjoy a light comedy with some really, really, really stupid jokes.

-Rodney Mountain, August 3, 2011

PS: Try not to groan too much at the song parodies that I used mainly to burn word count when I couldn't figure out what to do next. I did this mess on a nasty timeline, remember…

Author’s Note

I started the Black Fossil on a whim and a dare from my wife. As I stated in the dedication I wrote it to satisfy the insane desire to write a novel in thirty days. As I have been writing novels for nearly five years now as a hobby I made it my goal to have something at least reasonably publishable by the time the thirty days had passed.

Unfortunately I didn’t realize when I started the project just how much drive that was going to include. But I still laugh when I read it and I think you will too. What you’re getting is almost exactly what I had when I finished it on November 25th after a long and grueling 8000 word end run.

I’ve edited it to the point of fixing any spelling and grammatical errors that I could find myself and/or had the grammar checker find for me. I also repaired a few minor continuity errors. The plot, or lack thereof, is original and can be taken as what I originally intended.

God help you all.

--Rodney Mountain, Thursday, 12/2/04

Prologue – A Long Time Ago in a Place Far, Far away…

It is magnificent, the generically named man said about the black object on the altar, I just wish I knew what it was!

Same for the language we’re speaking, his odd friend agreed, I don’t think we’ve ever spoken anything like this before.

Of course you haven’t, The Author told them, I can’t have you speak your normal language. None of my readers would understand it!

Who are you? the generically named man asked.

The guy writing this piece of crap, The Author said, Now get focused on that black object. It’s the only reason you two morons exist.

Ok, his odd friend said, No need to get nasty about it.

So since it appears that we’re here to be a piece of expository pains in the ass, the generically named man said, I guess we should do something with this thing on the altar.

Hmmm, his odd friend said, Yes, I guess we might want to do that. Still, why would anyone be concerned about a frightfully dull piece of blackened fossil?

Because by the time the real main characters deal with it, The Author told them, It will be old and coveted by everyone in the book. This is what we authors laughingly call a plot. Now do your part and do something weird with it that will establish the conflict for my book.

Touchy, the generically named man said, But since he is the one signing our checks I guess we should do something.

Quite, his odd friend said, But what?

Think of something, The Author said impatiently, And try to take about 1500 words in doing it. I’ve only got 30 days to write this piece of garbage and you two morons are part of it. Now move!

Very well, the generically named man sighed, Shall we pack up that piece of garbage and drag it off somewhere?

Yes, his odd friend agreed, Why don’t we drag it through the village and brag about some nonexistent magic powers that we know this black fossilized piece of junk doesn’t have, but our dumb ass brethren will believe and send down the centuries as folklore that will somehow go unexplored until some idiot in the future gets it in his head to find this thing.

Sounds like a lovely idea, the generically named man agreed, Too bad it is too heavy for us to lift.

Did you have to make it so big? his odd friend asked the author.

I had to make up for your small penis somehow, The Author said, Now stop complaining and move that thing!

Rude fellow, isn’t he? the generically named man said, Still, seeing as he is paying us so well and all…

You get that side, his odd friend said, I’ll get this side. We’ll drag it through town and see if we can find a leper to cure or something like that.

I’m thinking more a hot blonde with sexual dysfunction to cure, the generically named man said, If we’re dragging this thing around we should get some.

Twenty Minutes Later…

Well that little piece of unpleasantness is done, the generically named man said, Why is it that all villagers in these books are gullible idiots who believe everything that someone dragging a large black fossilized thing tell them?

I don’t know, his odd friend said, rubbing his jaw, I don’t think that thing does a thing for sexual dysfunction, however…

You’re just sore that I’m waiting for later in the book to include the obligatory sex scene, The Author said, Now you need to put it someplace that it is plausible for something that big and black to be lost for centuries until I need it again.

But we don’t have theatres showing Gigli here anymore! the generically named man exclaimed, Not that I have a clue what that means being from when I am.

When are we? his odd friend asked.

Didn’t you read the beginning? the generically named man asked him, Prologue – A Long Time Ago in a Place Far, Far away…

Oh yeah, his odd friend remembered, Very well then. I guess we should find a place to hide it.

Good, The Author said, It’s about time you did something useful other than increase my word count. Now go hide that thing like good little mooks.

What’s a mook? the generically named man asked.

Don’t ask, The Author said, It’ll explain itself later.

The generically named man and his odd friend dragged the black fossil for miles upon miles, thereby tiring themselves out and leaving many legends back in their village. The Blonde with sexual dysfunction became the town slut and the entire population rejoiced and sang songs about the generically named man, his odd friend and the Black Fossil.

That’s nice, the generically named man said, But I’m tired now. Can we hide the fossil and go home?

Have you hidden it yet? his odd friend asked, Really, really well?

Well enough that you’ll never find it, the generically named man said, I will never find it either, but that’s ok. I want to go home and take advantage of that cured blonde.

Sounds like a plan, his odd friend said, Now what is that I see in the distance there?

It is your call to mookdom, The Author said, I really can’t have you around telling everyone where you hid the black fossil now can I?

Hey! the generically named man said, I have a blonde to go take advantage of! Don’t I at least get a run around with her?

Nope, The Author said, The only one who gets laid is the hero. And you, my generically named mook, are not him. Besides, you haven’t wasted near enough words.

Let me get laid and I’ll waste some words! the generically named man said, Come on!

You know, his odd friend said, I think that blonde is now my sister. I don’t like the way you are talking about her!

When did this happen? the generically named man asked, I didn’t think you had a sister.

I do now, his odd friend said, I guess that’s what is odd about me.

Don’t give me that crap! the generically named man said, You wanted to do her too!

Those are fighting words! his odd now ex-friend said, Put em up!

You want me to fight you? the generically named man said, But why?

To defend the honor of my sister! the now enraged odd ex-friend said, You must die now, you generically named mook!

But you have no name either, the generically named man said logically, That means you may be a mook too.

What the hell is a mook? The odd ex-friend type guy asked, Will anyone answer that before I kill this asshole?

Sure, The Author said, A mook is a generic person that is generally there to be cannon fodder for the hero or for the villain.

But they aren’t here! the generically named man and his odd ex-friend exclaimed, Are they?

No, The Author admitted, But you two are going to kill each other before you can explain that lack of logic!

At this point the generically named man and his odd ex-friend started to wail on each other in a rather impressive display of futility. Neither one was very good at fighting, but it doesn’t take all that much to be good enough to write a paragraph about their rather pointless demise. Both men died quickly and uselessly because I was getting bored of their antics.

Damn you! the generically named man said, Whoever you are!

I’ll be back! his odd now dead ex-friend said, Count on it!

Of course you will, The Author admitted, I can always use a good mook. I’m sure I’ll bring you back to get killed again sometime. But for now I’ve wasted about 1300 or so words, so we’re looking good. I have the beginnings of what I so laughingly call a plot and there is no one who knows about it except anyone who has sat through this opening. Now just croak in a puff of futility and all will be good!

So they did. In a puff of futility the generically named man and his odd ex-friend died of their injuries and their bones were scattered to the winds over time, leaving nothing except the all important legend and the unknown hiding place of the black fossil. Not to mention many happy villagers in the town where the blonde neo-slut lived for the rest of her days.

Chapter I – Jim Stalin Returns!

James Buchanan Stalin walked in to his non-descript government office at nearly ten in the morning. His hair, which would be perfect if not for the bit of mess that resulted from it being combed improperly, was pushed back revealing a ruggedly handsome face that, while it would not compete with Brad Pitt was one that most comely women would not kick out of their beds.

What’s going on, Jim? one of his coworkers asked, Hot date last night?

I wish, Jim said, Estelle would kill me if I did.

Estelle? the coworker said, I thought her name was Sandra?

I thought it was June, another one said, And your son Ray?

Who cares, Jim shrugged, You’ll never see them unless the author gets hard up enough for ideas that he decides to use them as plot bait. This section is about introducing me to all those people out there who are actually reading this piece of drivel.

It could be worse, Alexandra Diminova said, revealing herself to be an important piece of scenery by getting an actual name, You could have been a victim in one of his earlier books.

At least your name didn’t come out of a name generator, another nameless coworker put in, That is worse than being nameless, I think.

Well since we’ve established that I look like hell and the author is a hack, Jim Stalin said, What exactly am I supposed to be doing here? I take it that I have a job of some sort?

I’m sure you do, Alexandra said, taking over from all the other nameless co-workers, But I’ve never figured out what it is. It really doesn’t matter, as we’re going to be doing things completely unrelated to whatever your official job is anyway.

That works, Jim agreed, So what is my job now?

To follow me and try not to look too stupid before anyone gets to know you, Alexandra said, It’ll give people a chance to get familiar with you.

Jim shrugged and followed along. The rest of the workers in the government office went back to their meaningless jobs while Jim brought himself into the hallway where Alexandra was walking. She was rather good looking for a government drone, he thought. She smiled as she realized he was looking at her ass. Maybe there was hope for the man yet.

Jim ducked through a door that was just shorter than his six foot one inch frame. He was not in bad shape for a fair to middling governmental employee, which was good and proper since he rarely did the fair to middling government job that he was officially employed doing. Aside from being tall and white there was absolutely nothing especially out of the ordinary about James Stalin.

So what are we up to? Jim asked her, This isn’t another case of my being called to save the world as a junior level bureaucrat is it?

Nothing that obvious, Alexandra said, We just wanted to show you off a bit and let you have a good look at my ass before we throw you to the wolves.

Nice to know you care, Jim said, Where’s the boss?

He’s in the office at the end of the hall, Alexandra shrugged, "I didn’t just bring you down the hallway to look at my