Duane Mullett, Detective

By Warren Friend

Life used to be easy for Detective Duane Mullett and his guitar-playing partner, Alex Szabo.
There'd been truckloads of great shags with some real spunky chicks, oceans of booze sunk at a heap of awesome parties and a whole lot of laughs had with some damn fine people.
But since a satanic new boss has arrived from across the great Western motorway, all bets are off. Now Duane and Alex have to start arresting their fellow crime-committing Glenvalites or face the bum's rush themselves.
That means it's time to lock horns with some of wiliest crooks in the neighbourhood including; the desperate Shell service station Banditoes, the famous sports “Soupastar” Smithy, his crafty agent Manny Olivier and even little old Alex's Missis' Step-Nana!
Yep, there sure are plenty of twists and turns along the steep path to glory before everything can be “sweet” once more...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Warren Friend
• Release date: May 14, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458117441

Book preview

'Duane Mullett, Detective is more than a novel, it's a bible. A blueprint for those who truly appreciate the melodic genius of Stairway To Heaven; for those who realise the support that only tight black jeans can bring; for those who understand that bourbon and peanuts do form a perfectly balanced meal and for those who have ever known the kind of love that only a column shift gearbox and eight cylinders can bring. That and it's also the perfect thickness to prop up my broken Gibson amp.'

- M2 Magazine

Duane Mullett, Detective

by Warren Friend

Smashwords Edition

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Published By:

Abogo Productions on Smashwords

Duane Mullett, Detective

Copyright 2006 Warren Friend

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

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Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - Staring Down The Barrels

Chapter 2 - Teacher’s Bloody Pets

Chapter 3 - A Vision Of Beauty

Chapter 4 - Thinking Up A Storm

Chapter 5 - At Home With Crime

Chapter 6 - Little Miss Girly Swot

Chapter 7 - She Was A Horny One

Chapter 8 - The Prince Of Rark

Chapter 9 - A Peek At The Gold Watch

Chapter 10 - I Dread To Think

Chapter 11 - A Nefarious Act

Chapter 12 - Alex’s Missus’ Step-Nana’s Secret

Chapter 13 - A Rank Job

Chapter 14 - Mr TFG341

Chapter 15 - Playing Thunderstick

Chapter 16 - The Force Of Nature

Chapter 17 - Keeping The Fires Burning

Chapter 18 - In The Presence Of The Dark Lord

Chapter 19 - Kicking Loser Butt

Chapter 20 - The Pick Of The Bunch

Chapter 21 - Riding A Rickshaw To Bombay

Chapter 22 - Another Exciting Opportunity

Chapter 23 - Get Shorty

Chapter 24 - If You Book Them They Will Come

Chapter 25 - Brother From Another Planet

Chapter 26 - A Couple Of Turn Ups

Chapter 27 - Playing The Mateship Card

Chapter 28 - The Lord Of The Darts

Chapter 29 - The Ancient Lore Of Men

Chapter 30 - A Shag’s Better Than A Wank

Chapter 31 - Doing A Tapdance On Mars

Chapter 32 - The Sign Of Four

Chapter 33 - Where Vinegar Comes From

Chapter 34 - Twisting The Knife

Chapter 35 - A Message From The Market

Chapter 36 - A Present For Frieda

Chapter 37 - The Quest For Truth

Chapter 38 - Taking The Piss

Chapter 39 - In The Market For Love

Chapter 40 - Backstage Passes

Chapter 41 - On A Recruitment Drive

Chapter 42 - Where’s Tintin Now?

Chapter 43 - Uh Oh

Chapter 44 - A Taste Of Dog

Chapter 45 - Some Tough Love

Chapter 46 - Glittering In The Limelight

Chapter 47 - Tomorrow Is Another Day

Chapter 48 - In Through The Cat Door

Chapter 49 - Loose Lips Sink Ships

Chapter 50 - Getting A Bead On The Love Freaks

Chapter 51 - Run, Run, Run

Chapter 52 - The Collective Dream

Chapter 53 - Looking Out For A Friend

Chapter 54 - Hanging With Uncle Jack

Chapter 55 - A Kick In The Guts

Chapter 56 - Awesome, Man

Chapter 57 - Different Strokes For Different Folks

Chapter 58 - Cheers, Duane And Alex

Chapter 59 - Driving The Right Road

~~~~

The Black Hawk circled around high above the plain.

He could feel the cool wind under his wings while he kept a sharp eye out for any action going on down below. But there wasn’t much happening to stir the interest, so he parked up on the highest branch of the tallest tree that could be found on the plain.

You see, this was his perch. His, and only his, perch. No other bird would dare risk his wrath by landing here because everyone knew he was king of this terrain, this whole territory.

Now, using his sharp and handy beak, he gave his glossy feathers a bit of a preen. He wanted to make sure he was looking in tiptop shape in case some spunky Hawkette came gliding in…

~~~~

STARING DOWN THE BARRELS

Looking back over my life, I’d have to say it hadn’t been too shabby.

Watching it all on rewind I could see I’d had plenty of great shags with a truckload of real spunky chicks. And a lot of those shags had happened in the back seats of some pretty awesome big old cars. There’d also been an ocean of piss sunk at a heap of parties and a whole lot of laughs had with some damn fine people.

Yep, I’d done all right with my life so far. And I reckon I’d also done real well to get through watching it all in just ten seconds too. Because that’s about how long I’d been staring down the twin barrels of a well-oiled Winchester 101 12 gauge double barrel shotgun…

~~~~

TEACHER’S BLOODY PETS

Now, you’re probably wondering at this point how such a crash hot crime-busting Slayer of Evil as myself ever got into such a tight spot. And let me be first to admit that I think you’ve got a pretty fair question there.

But like most questions here in Glenvale, it has a fairly straightforward answer and that would have to be this: ambition.

Yep, ambition of the most naked kind. Though I’d also have to admit super quick that it wasn’t mine. No, this obsession with making a name for himself belongs to our new boss here at the Glenvale Central Police Station. And while it’s hard for me to say exactly when I got poisoned with his sickness, it sure made me break out in a cold sweat this morning when we were given our latest assignment…

The day had begun like any other since our new boss had started here, with all the detectives parked up in the briefing room. And, as usual, I was struggling to keep my eyes open as the boss wittered on about his grand plans for a new, improved Glenvale. This morning he was droning away about how if we all tried super hard, maybe we really could turn around a hundred years and six generations worth of the local citizens’ natural laziness, abusive tendencies and anti-social behaviour.

As I dozed, my eyes drifted as always to our goddamn sexy workload distribution manager, Frieda who sat facing us near the boss. It never ceased to amaze me how hot she was able to look at such a disgracefully early hour of the day. Having a gorgeous face and stunning body probably really helped but it was her choice in clothes that set her apart as some sort of hornbag goddess. Today she was wearing a strapless black number that hugged her figure just enough to accelerate the imagination to dangerous speeds. I was just imagining unpicking the seams of her dress stitch by stitch with my teeth, when my golden thoughts were rudely interrupted by the boss mentioning my name in dispatches.

‘…now, as for, Detectives Mullett and Szabo…’ he said waving a manila folder in me and my partner Alex’s direction. ‘I’ve got an interesting job here for you two. How do you feel about looking at a 416 for me?’

There was a sound of about ten detectives taking in their breaths at the same time because that’s what they all did, including me.

You see, me and Alex weren’t really looked up to much for our cop-type abilities at the station, not by the boss or anyone. Not that we were too worried about it though. We were just happy to have a legit job – no mean feat in Glenvale! – a car to cruise about in and a little bit of weight to chuck around if we so saw fit. We got on all right together and we gave as much shit to the other fellas around the traps as they gave us.

So normally a 416, or Armed Robbery, wasn’t really the type of mission we got given. You needed some personal motivation at least for a job like that, and a little competence would also come in handy. It was definitely a task that ought to have gone the way of James and Mitch, Ronny and Justine or even the trainees; Burger and his dorky sidekick, Rice.

Burger certainly thought so. ‘Stuff me!’ he said looking over at us and making a poor job of hiding his disgust, ‘guess who’s been polishing the General’s helmet?’

‘Get back on your sister!’ Alex snarled back but the damage was done. The boss had just exposed what everyone knew – but until now were quite happy to let slide – that me and Alex were crap useless at our jobs. He was chucking unleaded 91 on our barbie by deciding to hand us a job like this in front of everyone. We were on short notice; succeed or piss off.

But we’d worry about that later. Now there was a much more pressing matter; that of rescuing our dignity, and fast. ‘You want us to bring you an apple each tomorrow?’ I asked the boss, ‘seeing as we’re now teacher’s bloody pets?’

Everyone laughed, with a little bit too much relief for my liking, and while they were at it, I stole a look over at the foxy Frieda who normally decided who got what. But she wasn’t giving much away so I glanced back at the boss himself. He was just looking at me with a smirk. It must have been his idea, the bastard!

‘I’m sure you’ve heard about the recent spate of Shell service station armed robberies?’ he said ignoring my question and chucking the manila folder over at me and Alex. ‘There’s been at least four of them. The last one was in Dyer Street. I want you to go and talk to the manager there. See what you can find out about these alleged perpetrators and why they have such a particular interest in Shell Oil.’

And that was that. In two seconds me and Alex had been dragged kicking and screaming out of our early semi-retirement and into the world of earning our crusts. It was scary stuff.

As we all wandered out of the briefing room both me and Alex wore smile masks as though we were stoked with the way things were going. But once we got into the corridor, old Alex hissed to me out of the side of his mouth. ‘What’s he trying to pull? Doesn’t he know how long we’ve been on the force?’

‘I think he does know, fella,’ I whispered back shaking the dust out of my flowing locks. ‘That’s the problem. But I reckon we’d do best to play along for a bit. C’mon, let’s go spill some thunder.’

But before we could get out to the car I spotted that sexy Frieda’s butt wiggling ahead of us as she walked along the corridor. ‘Hey gorgeous!’ I called out as I hurried to catch up with her.

Frieda sighed and turned to face me. ‘Look, there’s no use hassling me about it. It wasn’t my idea, I already know your limitations.’

‘Not all of them you don’t.’ I said with a grin, ‘but we can change all that this weekend if you like. I’ve rented a porno that we could watch together.’

Our workload distribution manager snorted at me. ‘Is it starring animals or people?’

I pretended to be surprised by this. ‘Bloody choosy aren’t ya?’ I said giving her a wink.

‘Tell you what, I’ll call you,’ she replied and turned to walk off again, ‘don’t wait up.’

~~~~

A VISION OF BEAUTY

‘Whatever the bloody hell you two are thinking of doing, stop it right now and put your bloody hands up!’ an angry Indian face said about 30 inches of well-oiled gunmetal back from a pair of incredibly black round holes that had suddenly appeared in front of my eyes.

Now there’s a few things I’ve never seen, like blankets on a pornstar’s bed or a car shark give a discount that he hadn’t already counted on. And, until right now, I’d also never seen the end of a locked and loaded twin barrel Winchester 101 12 gauge double shotgun up close neither.

So I wasted absolutely no time in obeying this order and the air up high in the shop felt nice and cool on the palms as I waved them around to dry off the sweat.

Then there was a double sound of twin triggers being cocked and it was about this point that my own private This is your Life TV show started to play in those sinister black circles. I’ve got no idea how long I watched it for as I wasn’t aware of anything else until suddenly all I could see was this gorgeous chick in a light-coloured flowing dress. She’d popped up where the black holes had been and she was looking at me with a strange Mona Lisa type smile. Beams of golden light seemed to spill out from her head and block out anything but her face.

With a heavy sigh I realised what must have happened…

‘Am I dead?’ I asked the golden-haired angel.

Her smile faded and she screwed up her face a bit. ‘No. You’re in a gas station. A Shell one.’

Oh. That didn’t sound very heavenly. Or even particularly hell-like for that matter. Using all my willpower I managed to drag my eyes away from the vision of beauty, and took in another one that was a lot less satisfying to gawk at.

She was right. I was inside a pretty shabby old gas station along with a handful of customers who were all leaning back against shelves full of groceries as though slammed there by an invisible explosion. They were all looking towards the counter where my trusty partner Alex was holding up his badge for the Winchester-waving Indian fella to see, like he was using a cross to keep a vampire at bay.

‘Ah, so you are police...’ the Indian station manager muttered a bit sheepishly as he read Alex’s badge and uncocked his weapon. ‘I’m so sorry, but we’ve only just been held up, and I thought you guys were more robbers here casing my joint.’

As I watched, everyone in the room sagged a little with relief once the shotgun pointed back up at the ceiling and the customers climbed off the cans of spaghetti, magazines and plastic packs of oil they’d been perching on.

‘Jeez, Louise! You got a license for that thing?’ Alex demanded of the manager fella after a moment, pissed off that, now the crisis was over, some of the customers had started smirking at us.

The manager just looked at him and shrugged as he put the gun back behind the counter. ‘Are you kidding me?’

‘Yeah, okay, fair enough,’ Alex said but I could see he was still rarked up about the customers and he turned on them. ‘What the hell are all you looking at? Everyone here got a current rego sticker on their dash?’ and within seconds the shop had emptied out.

‘Hey! What are you doing to business?’ the Indian said chucking his hands up in the air now, ‘you may as well be robbers!’

‘Come on! You just had a gun shoved up our nostrils. Cut us some slack!’ I snapped at him before turning my attention back to the vision of beauty I’d just enjoyed a moment or two back. She was still standing there in front of the magazine stand but she wasn’t bathed in angelic light no more. Now I could see that it was just the fluoro bulbs in the shop picking out the highlights in her hair.

‘Are you okay now?’ she asked with a worried look on her face.

I nodded weakly. ‘I think so.’

‘Oh good,’ the golden-haired one said, ‘well, I just came to get my rollie tobacco.’ She smiled and held up a fresh packet of Drum for me to see, ‘and, as long as you’re feeling all right, I should probably go...’

I didn’t like the sound of this. ‘No! Er, I mean, can you stick around for a minute – ’

Alex chose this moment to pipe up. ‘There ain’t much reason for that, Duane. I don’t think she’s who we’re looking for.’

‘Speak for yourself!’ I snapped back, ‘she looks pretty good to me.’

That was a hit! The vision of beauty broke back into another smile. A shy one this time. Or was it sly?

‘Look, don’t worry about him, miss.’ Alex was really getting my back up now. ‘He’s just being a bit of an egg. Well, more than usual anyway. You’re free to go if you want.’

‘Wait!’ I didn’t even know her name! ‘Where can I – er, I mean, we contact you if, um, we need to contact you?’

The golden haired angel smiled again. ‘I’m over at the Riverside Market most days. I’ve got a stall on the first floor.’

Then she slipped her packet of Drum into her bag and pushed out through the door. I watched through the big glass windows as she walked across the forecourt and out of sight, her long golden hair and loose linen dress fluttering about in the breeze. It was really weird but I felt like a bit of me was disappearing with her.

I sighed and turned back to look at my partner and the station manager who were both standing there staring at me.

‘Any time you’re ready there, Duane.’ Alex said with maximum rark.

I nodded. He was right. I had to get my shit together and start thinking about solving this case otherwise we’d end up as cigarette butts under the sole of Burger’s shoe. I turned to the manager fella and held out my hand.

‘How’s it going, Smiley? Detective Duane Mullett from Glenvale Central, I think you’ve already met my partner. And you are Mr…?’

‘Patel, Sanjay Patel.’

‘Pleased to meet you, Mr. Patel,’ I said reaching out to shake a hand containing fingers that had been twitching on the trigger of a shotgun pointed at my face only a few minutes ago. ‘Is it okay if my partner and I have a look around your store for a bit to, you know, familiarise ourselves with the crime?’

Sanjay shrugged. ‘Go ahead. It’s not like I have any customers left to serve,’ he added with a glare at Alex.

I nodded my thanks and both me and Alex started to stroll around the servo station glancing at all the stuff hoping for inspiration. There wasn’t nothing special about it, old Sanjay was just running a regular gas station like everywhere else. In his superette section he had an aisle with car bits and bobs; fanbelts, spark plugs, windscreen wiper blades and anti-bug shit. Another aisle had snacks for the road; bikkies, junk food, lollies, cans of stuff and even flour, in case you had an urgent need to bake a cake on the side of the road I guess. All the fridges were busting with milk, soft drinks and juice, and there was frozen fish bait out on the forecourt for the homeless to snack on.

But there wasn’t nothing I hadn’t seen anywhere else. Why would these guys want to only hit Shell stations? There must be a reason for it somewhere. I tried to remember back to my police training college days for a few handy tips to help me out here. I was sure they’d talked about solving crimes at some stage, but it was a long time ago now. And I hadn’t exactly been a model student while I was there neither. In any department.

To be honest, I’d spent most of the sixteen weeks in the backseat of my car shagging one of the college receptionists, Lisa Dawes. She was a bit of all right was old Lisa. She’d been right into her swimming as a lass so had a bit of a barrel chest for a chick. It also meant she had outstanding stamina which helped me tone up for the physical exams no end.

I’d also had a run with Leonie Styles, who was one of my classmates. I remember she had a mole on her left hip that looked like Italy and she wasn’t too shabby in the sack neither. And smart too! She’d helped me copy off a few of her assignments which, frankly, had bought me my pass to glory. But I didn’t have much time to thank her as she only lasted a few months in the force before racing off to get married and start having sprogs.

She still rings me every now and then. Christ knows why! We haven’t done nothing since. Maybe she’s still mesmerised by my charm…

Anyway, I wasn’t getting very far with my deductions and the manager dude was watching me close like he was expecting great cop-like stuff from us. It’d be a shame to disappoint him.

‘The way I see it,’ I said waggling a finger in the air as I wandered back toward Sanjay still trying hard not to think any more about the golden–haired chick, ‘the most interesting thing about this case is the fact that these robbers only seem to want to hit you Shell fellas.’ I stopped in front of him. ‘So… got any bright ideas as to why you were singled out for special attention?’

‘No. But I guess that’s why I’m not a policeman,’ our Indian friend replied with more than a hint of rark in my direction. ‘Besides, this is Glenvale. Why does anyone need a reason to commit crimes here?’

‘How about ex-employees? Sacked anyone lately?’

‘Constantly. I go through staff here like my wife goes through gold rings.’

‘Any of them give you a hard time when they left?’

The manager sighed and shrugged again. ‘They all leave me with threats. Like I say, this is Glenvale.’

I knew what he meant. Our neighbourhood was known for a lot of things, but churning out helpful and trustworthy staff was definitely not one of them. I could wear my knuckles to the bone door knocking for surly ex-employees with violent tendencies, for everything from nuclear physicists to childcare workers. We just weren’t a jolly, happy-go-lucky bunch. Amway had failed really badly here.

‘I know!’ Alex suddenly said, strolling over from where he’d been checking out the CD rack, ‘you Shell guys all do Bonus Miles don’t you? Well, maybe the guys were wanting to score some of them without paying?’

Unfortunately, the station manager wasn’t so stoked by my partner’s startling insight. ‘But to get Bonus Miles you have to pay for something first you silly man!’

Alex looked pretty hacked off that this guy might be hinting that he wasn’t such a crash hot cop. ‘Yeah, but what’s to stop them getting you to zap up a few points on the card while they’re in here huh?’

I could think of a reason and, going by his glance at me, so too could Sanjay. If the robbers had gone and done that then the people behind the counter might have had more than just a sneaking suspicion as to their identities.

‘What sort of police are you?’ Mr. Patel asked glancing from Alex to me.

I puffed out my chest. ‘Don’t you worry about nothing fella, we’ll sort this out in no time. Glenvale’s finest are on the case.’

‘If that is so,’ the manager said shaking his head, ‘then I better get in contact with my insurance company straight away.’

~~~~

THINKING UP A STORM

After that there wasn’t much else for me and Alex to do but head back out for the Toyota. As we walked out of the service station and across the forecourt, my partner started buzzing in my ear. ‘Man, you’re shameless! Trying to pick up a chick at a crime scene. How low will you stoop?’

‘Hey! I would have been able to do more than just try if you hadn’t kept butting in all the time!’ I replied. ‘What’s the matter with you anyway? Anyone would think you were her goddamn father the way you were carrying on.’

Before my partner had time to reply we’d got close enough to my piece of shit courtesy car to see there was a surprise waiting for me.

‘Oh man! I don’t believe it! Another bloody parking ticket!’ I snatched it off the windscreen. ‘How long were we in there?’ Honestly, I had no idea myself, to me it had seemed a lifetime.

‘I dunno,’ Alex shrugged, ‘how much is it for?’

‘Thirty bucks. But that’s not the point! I’ve got about ten of the bastards now, and it all adds up.’ I unlocked the doors and tossed the ticket into the glovebox with all the others.

I threw myself down into the driver’s seat and leant back for a minute on the leopardskin car seat covers I’d transferred over from my Valiant while it was in the shop. ‘What’s up with Traffic at the moment? They’ve been writing tickets like they’re going outta date lately! And all for me too!’

‘Maybe you should put an expenses claim in with the boss,’ Alex suggested with a smirk.

‘I dunno what you’re laughing about. You ought to be paying half of these!’

‘I ain’t paying nothing for this heap of shit,’ my partner grumbled picking at the peeling paint on the inside of his door, ‘when’re you gonna get rid of this rust farm and get your real car back?’

That was a good question and it was one I asked myself pretty much everyday now that my mechanic had had my car in his shop for over a month. But, there was no point in giving my partner bullets to shoot me with. ‘When that fat Webby finishes crafting his loving touches,’ I said instead, ‘and not before.’

‘When he finishes ripping you off don’t you mean?’ Alex snorted and I had a sneaking suspicion there was a bit of truth in that, not that I’d let him see though.

‘Of course, you could always supply us with wheels instead of just bitching.’

Alex honoured me with the finger and we went quiet for a while just sitting in the car. I didn’t feel like driving or nothing yet, it had been a full on morning already and I just needed to get my head back together. I tried shutting my eyes but all I could see were those two black holes burning there in front of me. So I opened them up again and tried to think of the golden-haired angel instead.

‘Jeez, that market chick was hump-bait wasn’t she?’

Alex screwed up his nose at me. ‘You reckon?’ then he shook his head. ‘I dunno what you’re getting so fired up about her for, she’s just a hippy chick. They don’t shave under their arms, you know that eh?’

This was news to me. ‘They don’t? Eugh!’

‘Yeah. ‘Course they don’t. That’s what makes them hippies. I would’ve thought a fully qual rooter like yourself would’ve known that,’ Alex added with a hint of rark.

But I didn’t. You see, despite my lifelong shag-athon, I’d never been with a hippy chick before. Up until now, I’d never found them even slightly interesting with their loose flapping dresses made of the types of material your Nana would wear, their anti-money bullshit and endless drivelling on about karma. But I couldn’t keep this one out of my mind. In fact, I was tempted to nip over to the Riverside Market and see if I could spot any golden-hair thatches right now.

Alex read my mind. ‘Oh no you don’t!’ he growled pointing a warning finger at me, ‘you can chase your tail on your own time. We’ve got work to do now. Let’s go round to my place and plot up our next move from there.’

‘Why your place?’ I said, ‘I don’t wanna shag your Missus!’

‘Hey, don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it,’ my partner said grinning, ‘she’s real good eh.’

‘So Burger’s been telling everyone.’

Alex screwed up his face at me. ‘Oh shuddup ya egg!’

I was tempted to suggest the pub instead, but seeing as it probably wasn’t even ten o’clock yet, that was a bit rough even for me. So I just shrugged, chucked the Toyota into gear and burned rubber out from the curb, merging hard in with the traffic headed north. The Toyota was bloody gutless though. Goddamn Webby! What was he doing to my car? And how much was all this work he was doing going to cost me in the end? It would truly rip my nightie if I couldn’t snatch back my Valiant due to my being short on Webby’s bill. These bloody parking tickets weren’t helping….

‘Here we are making our city safe from armed robbers and how are we repaid?’ I asked out loud as I roared along Murchison Ave, ‘with a bloody parking ticket! Makes the staring down the barrel all the more worthwhile I say.’

Alex was laughing at me. ‘Go on, have a good cry, Duane. You’ll feel better in the morning!’

I decided to ignore that cheap shot. ‘Makes you think though doesn’t it,’ I said instead of arguing.

‘Think about what?’ Alex said clutching onto his Jesus Handle as I went round a corner perhaps a whisker too fast. Jesus Handle is the Glenvale name for the handles you usually find above the passenger doors in a car. They are called this because you usually only grab them when you’re about to shout Jesus! due to some amazing road-leaving stunt currently being performed by your driver.

‘About life, the universe and everything ya moron! What did you think I was talking about? Your guitar pick collection? I was talking about our lives. And when they’re in the magazine like that, locked and ready to get shot off. It makes you think about what you’ve done with it, have you done enough to make it all worthwhile?’ Alex didn’t say nothing to this so I went on, ‘didn’t things like that go through your head back there? Didn’t you start to wonder who would miss you if the trigger did go off?’

‘I wasn’t worried about nothing,’ Alex said looking out the window.

‘Oh yeah, you can say that now, Braveheart. Once we’re safe here in the car. But you weren’t so cool back there in the shooting gallery were ya? I’m quietly confident nappies were getting soiled.’

‘What’re you going on about, Duane?’ Alex said turning away from the window so he could get mad with me. ‘If you were scared, that’s fine! I ain’t gonna spit on you for it! You had a gun in your face. But I know for a fact that that manager dude didn’t wanna shoot us. He was just protecting his shop, that’s all. So quit talking like that.’

I was quiet after that outburst. Alex didn’t usually say so much in one spurt so he must be really stirred up. But I reckon that he was real scared back there but he just didn’t want to admit it. Well, that was fair enough. It was a big thing to say for anyone. And he probably had more to lose than me. He had his Missus and young Axl, whereas I had, well, no one who’d care an awful lot… see what I mean? It wasn’t a breeding ground for happy thoughts. I was going to need a bourbon real soon whether it was ten o’clock or not.

But really all this was the bloody boss’ fault. Me and Alex had never had to stare down any shotguns with old Tugger in the driver’s seat. Yet this new guy was obsessed with bashing all and sundry over the head with that rulebook of his.

It’s not like there was any pressure on him from anybody. We were in Glenvale after all.