The Mysterious Minute-Men Omnibus

By Mike Aragona

Not all Superhero Teams are the same, and when it comes to the zany adventures of The Mysterious Minute-Men, the differences are all part of the fun! In their quest to protect Metro City, The Mysterious Minute-Men know that with Great Soda comes Great Responsibility! Collecting all the serials that make up their history, this Omnibus sets the stage for the long-awaited, novel-length sequel.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mike Aragona
• Release date: Nov 16, 2010
• ISBN: 9780978492335

Mike Aragona

A lifetime of Comic Book, Science Fiction, New Age, and Fantasy reading with a healthy dose of English courses and a love of movies have all collided and conspired to bring Mike Aragona into the world of letters and sentences. With a cast of crazy characters constantly jostling for brain energy who want to be written about, Comedy and Superheroes vy for attention with Relationships, Committment, and "What's on the Other side".

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The Mysterious Minute-Men: Omnibus

By Mike Aragona

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s warped imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

The Mysterious Minute-Men Omnibus copyright 2010 by Mike Aragona.

Artwork © Gabriel Morrissette except where noted

Cover by Gabriel Morrissette

All rights reserved. This ebook is licensed for your personal use and enjoyment only. It may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Digital Smashwords Edition: ISBN 978-0-9784923-3-5

Published by Savage Enterprises Publishing at Smashwords

http://www.savageland.com

To my beautiful wife and soulmate Chantale, and my children, James, Melyssa, Kyle Ethan, and Charlize Makenzie, who bring me so much happiness. A special scratch-behind-the-ears goes out to Casey the Wonder Pooch

Thank you for making life worth living

Episode 01 – Protectors of Metro City

Prelude:

There are fifteen million stories in the naked city. Or so we’re told. This is but one of them. It is the story of an unknown individual who, when all the synapses in his brain blew out from the stimuli bombarding his senses, threw on a cloaked outfit and a cat-mask to combat evil wherever he found it. Why? Because he knows he must.

The extra-large cloak hid his true body and gave people the impression that his form wavered and shifted in size. The mask was donned in order to hide his true face, of course. The only thing the mask reveals is that he is Caucasian. Choosing the name Minute-Man due to the superhuman strength he receives whenever he drinks a can of Minute Maid Orange Soda, he roams the streets with his sidekick Orion, a huge black man with powerful breath.

Orion and Minute-Man teamed up when Minute-Man found him close to death after having been force-fed thirteen dozen donuts by the Diabolical Chef Jacques. Orion, having gained his powers from experimenting with food bombarded by thermonuclear gamma rays, was about to explode due to the poisons that Chef Jacques had put in the donuts. Minute-Man, arriving at the scene of Chef Jacques’ bombed-out Bakery of Evil, ran to Orion who was sprawled on the floor. Calculating the odds of Orion’s survival, Minute-Man opened Orion’s mouth and forced a can of Minute Maid Orange Soda down his throat.

The powerful juices, mixed with the contents in Orion’s stomach, caused him to erupt in a thunderous release of gas. When the dust settled, Orion was alive and Minute-Man had gained a valuable ally. The obviously Evil, and clearly Diabolical, Chef Jacques was still on the loose, but with Minute-Man and Orion joining forces, you could bet he wouldn’t be free for long. The awesome might the combination of their powers would create, would be enough to shatter all of the city’s evils. Or so they thought.

The legend of Minute-Man and Orion began on the floor of that burned building. They knew then that, together, they would be unstoppable!

To this day, Chef Jacques remains at large.

Chapter 01 – Wookin’ Pa Nub:

Watching vigil over the city streets from up above the highest buildings, are Minute-Man and Orion. Their sharp eyes glance quickly over every inch of the streets below, nothing evading their gaze.

Man, it’s true what they say about people looking like ants from great heights! said Orion.

Be silent, Orion. We must never stop guarding the city. Those poor slobs below depend on us every day. Our devotion must be supreme! stated Minute-Man.

Hey, that’s fine with me, Jack. I just wish I could see what the hell we’re supposed to be protecting.

Unfortunately, we most often have to protect mankind from its own folly. They have the power to either destroy themselves or bring a peace on Earth which could last forever!

Tell me something, double-M. Just where do you come up with that funny way of talking? ‘Supreme devotion,’ ‘folly.’ No one talks that way, man, laughed Orion.

Well somebody should! That’s another thing those ungrateful wretches below us should be thanking me for! answered Minute-Man shaking his fist.

Listen buddy, maybe we should call it a night and head on out to some little nightclub and soak our heads for a while. A brewski would do you some good, offered Orion, looking for any excuse to take a break.

I know you mean well, Orion, but the night is young and the young are night. Uh, wait a minute, that’s not right. The young are not? The young are? Oh, who cares!? Look! Down below! yelled Minute-Man, striking a heroic pose.

I can’t see squat, Jack.

What do you mean? That man down there has clearly violated one of mankind’s laws. He crossed on a red light. And who’s Jack?

Don’t worry about it, it’s really not that important, said Orion waving him off. Man, you *are* stressed out. Here, have a gum, it’ll relax you.

Without warning, a rush of air swooped down from above their heads and propelled them to the floor of the building’s roof. Fighting back the pressure, Minute-Man managed to lift his head to see the one responsible for this unprovoked attack.

Grinning down at them from his very own helicopter, the Diabolical Chef Jacques threw down his curses. May you both roast in a rusted oven, you baboons! I now prove my superiority by daring to attack you in open view of everyone to zee and enjoy! You are a waste of flour and baking zoda! he cackled.

Glancing quickly at Orion, Minute-Man yelled at him, And you said I talked funny! Then, he yelled at Chef Jacques, Diabolical, Chef Jacques! Only you could be so bold!

Before Orion and Minute-Man had a chance to do or say anything else, Chef Jacques released a dozen bomb-laden pies at them. Eat hot lead, you lousy do-gooders! Hahahah hahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahaahaha hahahah!!!

Orion! If those bombs strike this building, hundreds of innocent people will perish! warned Minute-Man. We’ve got to move fast!

Without thinking, because if he thought about it, the deed would take forever to get done, Orion took a deep breath and let it all out at once in a scream of shattering intensity: Waaaaa-Eeeeeeee-Ooooooooo!

The power of Super-Breath, which belongs only to Orion, caused all the pies to explode at the same time, thus saving the building, Minute-Man, and himself, from destruction. The force of the scream was strong enough to knock out the helicopter’s power, causing it to plummet out of the skies. Mumbling curses to himself, the Diabolical Chef Jacques abandoned the pilot to his fate and escaped with the only parachute on board.

Wiping custard cream off his face, Minute-Man turned to where Orion lay on the floor and watched him smear coconut cream all over his chest.

You are so gross to look at after you use your power, you know that? he asked.

Hey, it’s the only way to heal my vocal chords, replied Orion hoarsely.

By smearing food on your body in such a disgusting way?

Listen, Jack. I don’t make fun of you when you crawl up in a corner and meow yourself silly after downing two cans of Orange Soda, he shot back.

You know I can’t help myself, answered Minute-Man. It’s the liquid talking, not me. Plus, considering all the power I gain from one can, why shouldn’t I indulge myself with another? And who the hell is Jack!?

Oh forgetaboutit! Buuuuuurp! Scuza-eh? Heh heh heh. So, do we go after that sleazo-goofball or what? asked Orion enjoying the glow of his post-power bliss.

Jumping guru-lizards! I forgot all about him! Quick! To the Bat-uhh... I mean, uhm, let’s go get him! said Minute-Man jumping to his feet.

I think you should go see someone about that memory lapse of yours, Minute-Man, said Orion.

What memory lapse? Did you or did you not offer to buy me a drink at a nightclub somewhere? he asked.

Uhm, yeah, sure, but that was... Uhm, right now we were about to... yeah, right. Sure, let’s go quench our thirst! said Orion. We could always get Jacqey-boy some other time. We do know where he lives, after all. So, what have you got in mind?

Well, there’s this new club down on Pine Avenue called the Double-MM Club. It’s supposed to be a lot of fun, or so I hear.

Do they have any live entertainment?

I sure hope so. I wouldn’t want to pay a seven dollar admission charge and see a couple of corpses! answered Minute-Man in disgust.

You sure are lucky to have me to keep you from ending up in a mental institute, you know that? said Orion.

With all thoughts of battle pushed away by the images of cold drinks and warm bodies, Minute-Man and Orion trudged off in the direction of Pine Avenue where the tired and downtrodden are always welcome.

I wonder who it was that littered the streets with all these drunks, said Minute-Man jumping over a particularly nasty drunk who tried to grab a hold of his cape. Makes me wonder if they have rabies.

Nobody owns these drunks, Minute-Man, said Orion shaking his head.

Then how would you know if they all got their shots?

Knowing when he’s fighting a losing battle, Orion steered the direction elsewhere. Look, there’s the club. Come on, the entrance is on me, he said.

Orion paid for the both of them since Minute-Man had no pockets in his costume, and they walked in without any hassles. Finding themselves a seat near the stage, Minute-Man and Orion placed their orders and prepared to settle in for the show.

Wait one moment, my good man, shouted Minute-Man at the departing waiter, Better make that a double soda!

A double? asked Orion. Are you sure you should do that?

After a night like this, after a lifetime of constantly being assaulted by countless, and often nameless, villains, I think I deserve a break. A double Orange Soda is just what I need to help me relax and enjoy the show.

Ok, suit yourself bud. But if you start mewling again, you’re gonna have to take yourself home.

Relax and enjoy the show, will you? It’s just about to begin, said Minute-Man, smiling as the club grew dark.

The lights dimmed and the Master of Ceremonies walked to the microphone on the stage. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Club Exotica is proud to present, in her first national tour, the woman-wonder whose voice has been swooning audiences around the world, Lady Love-Me!

With slow confident strides, a tall blonde beauty casually walked over to the microphone and softly whispered, Good evening. It’s time to light up your nights. On cue, the band struck up an old ballad and the club plunged into complete darkness as Lady Love-Me started to sing.

Oh my wanton hormones! exclaimed Orion, obviously enthralled by this feline beauty gracing his field of vision. Aren’t you glad I talked you into coming to this club instead? Check out the pom-poms on this fine mama! he hooted.

How do you know she’s a mother?

Minute-Man, are you drunk or dumb? Is she hot or is she not hot? gasped Orion.

I’m very disappointed in you, Orion. It’s sad to see you reduced to such a state. I didn’t think you’d be fooled by her appearances, said Minute-Man very casually.

Appearances? What on earth are you talking about? he asked, wondering if Minute-Man had finally lost his marbles.

Look carefully. That woman is not Lady Love-Me. Can’t you tell who she is? That’s Madame Toka-Mi! he revealed.

Holy fluff-jobs Ba- uhh... Minute-Man! I failed to notice it at first, but now that this veil of confusion has been lifted from my eyes, I can see her for who she really is! Orion exclaimed.

Why are you talking like me?

Am I? Damn writers making me spout nonsense like that! What’s the plan?

We wait for her to finish her set. Then, after the show, we trail her to see just what she’s up to. Maybe she’ll lead us to Pepe Le Puzo.

Yeah, I’d sure like to get my hands on that little stinker!

Watch it, Orion! I think she saw us! But how is that possible? asked Minute-Man.

Well, don’t you think we look a little out of place sitting in a club wearing our costumes?

Get down! She’s throwing something at us! shouted Minute-Man, pushing his partner off his chair.

And I’m all out of breath! exclaimed Orion as he dropped.

Before either of them could jump into action, a huge black arm reached between them and caught the unknown object. With incredible speed, the owner of the arm rushed the object outside and returned in time to protect the other club patrons from the awesome explosion the object caused from where he threw it.

Minute-Man, who was that? shouted Orion over the setting din.

I’m not sure. I’ve heard about some new superhuman crime fighters in this neighborhood, maybe he’s one of them.

Well then, let’s go talk to him and get the 4-1-1, said Orion.

Wait Orion! What happened to Madame Toka-Mi? asked Minute-Man.

Looks like she flew the coop when we weren’t looking, double-M.

True enough, when Toka-Mi saw that her scheme had failed, she left via a back exit and escaped into a waiting car that whisked her off to safety.

Minute-Man and Orion, at a loss to explain her disappearance, decided to investigate the new mystery which had been revealed to them. The huge, enigmatic black man waited for them patiently.

Good evening, Men of Mystery, he greeted as they approached. I’m sure you’re wondering who I am.

Well we’re not coming to ask you for an autograph, Jack, shot back Orion.

Forgive my impetuous friend, interjected Minute-Man, He really gets upset whenever someone causes him to spill his drink.

Hey, why shouldn’t I be upset? You know how much it costs to get these damn suits dry-cleaned? They don’t care about how we got the bloodstains on them, they just want their cash up-front. And on our salary...

Orion, you should be honored to be fighting side-by-side with a hero as great as Minute-Man, commented the new arrival. I know I would be.

Listen, Jack, you may look powerful, but that don’t mean squat to me, dig? said Orion pointing a finger at him.

Orion, how do you know that this man’s name is Jack? queried Minute-Man.

Yo, double-M, will you please chill-out, man? Forget about my expressions, ok? Orion answered, throwing his hands up in the air in the frustration.

You’re right, Orion. We should be trying to find out about who this man is and why he is so unique among the other club patrons. Would you like to explain yourself? he asked.

Look guys, that’s what I’ve been wanting to do for the last few minutes. You just never gave me the time to do so. First of all, my name is not important. Suffice it to say that I am the bouncer of this fine establishment and when I saw that our main attraction had hurled some kind of bomb at you, I acted.

How did you know it was a bomb? asked Orion.

Oh, that’s easy. She does that to whoever tries to get fresh with her while she’s doing her number. Although you two were sitting quietly at your table, she must have felt threatened in some way.

Of course she felt threatened, said Minute-Man. She is really Madame Toka-Mi and belongs to a group of horrid individuals calling themselves ‘The Sons & Daughters of Die T. Cola.’ Their ambition is to drown the whole world in complex carbohydrates until they are the only ones afloat in their ‘cool cans.’

That sounds incredible, replied the bouncer. I always thought that her after-show practices were a little strange. I never thought they were actually dangerous.

She and her fellow brothers and sisters are very dangerous. That’s why we need as much help as we can get, said Minute-Man.

With the knowledge of the world’s largest – and yet secret – criminal cartel out in the open and the part one of his co-workers played, the bouncer knew that he would help these worthy heroes. I’ve decided to help you, he told them. Thus, it is now time to answer more of your questions. But first, come with me to my secret hideout. I want you to meet my partner.

The bouncer let them out of the club through the back doorway and brought them to his car. Unlocking the doors and jumping in, he motioned for Minute-Man and Orion to do the same. Driving in silence, the trio raced to the bouncer’s hideout where the Minute-Men were brought face-to-face with a sight they wouldn’t soon forget. Floating in the air in front of them, was a brown plush toy, a huge smile frozen on its face.

Don’t be startled, their new companion reassured them. This is Frozzie, my partner. Our stories are interlinked, as are our fates. Now brace yourselves, for you are about to learn what no one else knows: our Secret Origin! he announced to them. He walked towards his partner and turned to face The Minute-Men. When I lived in my old hometown, he began, there appeared an anomaly right in the heart of the city. A freak snowstorm was raging within one square block of the town’s centre. Since everyone knew me and my abilities, as well as my desire to be a hero, they called on me to find out what it was.

I braved the storm and forced my way to the center. I was beginning to weaken and thus decided to take an energy pill. It was so cold in the storm that by the time I put that pill in my mouth, frost had formed over it, trapping the weird snow and some very strange energies on the pill. As I was unaware of this fact, I downed the pill and soon a transformation took place. I felt strength flow out of my whole body. The energies were increasing my mass and power in unknown quantities. The muscles I always dreamed of formed and popped out of my body. And suddenly, I sensed something. A lone voice was calling to me from somewhere deep in that Arctic-like wasteland. Following the voice’s directions, I made my way to Frozzie. He was stuck in his current form due to the frost powers of an entity calling itself ‘The Ice Queen.’ From what I understand, he is to remain in this manner for all eternity.

The Ice Queen thought he would die in that blizzard, but she didn’t know he was some kind of mutant. He managed to absorb some of her powers from the storm itself. He now has the ability to temporarily freeze people in their tracks with just one look. Sometimes, he can even read minds.

By my reaching him, the storm subsided and finally cleared, he continued. We were left standing there, mentally exhausted and physically drained. I was the only person with whom Frozzie could or ever will communicate with. I believe the reason for this lies in the fact that our powers are somehow linked by Frozzie’s mutant abilities and The Ice Queen’s energy expenditure. With some practice, we learned to better use our newfound powers and once we felt that we were ready, we decided that together we could be a force for good and help our fellow earth-creatures.

Our first goal, however, was to bring The Ice Queen to justice. Unfortunately, we have not been able to detect any trace of her since that fateful night that brought us together. Yet, we continue our search. But now that you have told us of how huge this new crime cartel really is, we want to join with you in fighting them. Hopefully, what we weren’t able to do alone, we will do, successfully, together, he proposed, finally reaching the conclusion to his story.

After a moment of silence, Orion stated, Man, this dude sure knows how to ramble on. Let’s hope that if he does join us on our nightly rounds, he’ll be a bit more quiet.

Well, my Minute-Powers tell me that what you said is the truth and that you both really do want to fight evil, said Minute-Man ignoring Orion. Therefore, we would be honored for you to join our team. I give to you now an honored Minute-Mask for you to wear, as a symbol of your loyalty to humankind, and your dedication to justice. You will henceforth be Powerhouse & Frozzie of the Minute-Men!

Powerhouse? Yeah, I like that name. And Frozzie’s glad you didn’t make him change his name, said Powerhouse.

"I knew he would be. And so, this will mark the final chapter of The Adventures of Minute-Man and Orion. From now on, we will be known as The Mysterious Minute-Men!"

Hey, Minute-Man, I hope you don’t mind, but I’d rather wear my mask on backwards, said Powerhouse. I prefer to blend in with the shadows when I’m on patrol, not pose as a target to anyone with a gun.

Ok, Powerhouse. You deserve that much, at least, agreed Minute-Man.

And how was it that you knew Frozzie wanted to keep his name? he asked. I thought I was the only one to be able to hear what he says.

As I previously stated, Powerhouse, I don’t really know all of my powers, admitted Minute-Man. Sometimes information just seems to come to me without conscious knowledge. This was one of those times. Maybe the powers granted me by the Sacred Soda can enable me to understand Frozzie, he shrugged.

Yo, double-M, I don’t mean to interrupt all this beautiful talk, but don’t you think it’s time for the world to see the new team? asked Orion.

You’re right, Orion! Come on, Minute-Men, we must patrol our city! Let us show the denizens of this fateful city the glorious might of the men who shall guard her. World, you better by ready for: The Mysterious Minute-Men!

Chapter 02 – We Could Be Heroes, Forever and Ever:

Once again, it was night in the city. And once again, those stalwart heroes known as The Mysterious Minute-Men prowled the city in search of lowlife scum who try their best to corrupt it.

Now being four, Minute-Man, Orion, Powerhouse, and Frozzie, decided to split up into groups in order to cover more of the city in less time. Orion and Frozzie took the rich, south side, while Minute-Man and Powerhouse took the seedy, north side.

I’ve always dreamed of a time when there would be enough of us to patrol the city more efficiently, said Minute-Man. With the criminal element getting bolder and stronger every day, the time when a hero’s lifeblood could be spilled across the pavement seemed to be fast approaching.

What is needed, continued Powerhouse, is to find new heroes to help us in this awful fight against crime. But how do we go about searching for super-powered beings? Do we hold a membership drive? Go on TV?

Don’t worry, answered Minute-Man, When the time is right, the heroes will come to us! Now, I wonder how Orion and Frozzie are doing...

Speak to me you blasted furball!

Orion was getting nowhere in his conversations with Frozzie. He knew that Frozzie couldn’t speak. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, he just couldn’t. This was all due to the diabolical schemings of The Ice Queen which left him in a frozen state of shock and disbelief. Still, Orion knew that something was fishy by the way Powerhouse and Minute-Man knew how to communicate with Frozzie.

Unbeknownst to Orion, one of the reasons the other Minute-Men were able to communicate was due to their partaking of the Sacred Minute Maid Orange Soda. Orion preferred Minute Maid Lemon Soda and thus was unreceptive to the vibes flowing from his partners’ auras.

I aughta sell you to someone as a pair of mitts! he shouted.

Frozzie, angered by Orion’s constant verbal abuse, started exciting the air molecules with his mutant

Reviews for The Mysterious Minute-Men Omnibus

[lesleydawn · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This is one of the strangest books that I have ever read. It is full of eccentric superheroes and diabolical, bumbling villains who are obsessed with Orange soda and donuts. When I first started reading it, it was light and fun and overall very relaxing, but I'm not sure that it is intended to be read straight through like you would a normal novel, because by the time I got to the end I was I little burnt out on all of the reoccurring themes. The stories all seemed to blend together, as did the characters. Over all, I enjoyed it, and will recommend it to my friends. But I will give them a warning not to read it all at once. Just like with donuts or soda, too much of a good thing isn't good for you.