Politically Correct Holiday Stories

By James Finn Garner

A NYTimes best seller in 1995, this book contains such stories as Twas the Night Before Solstice, Rudolph the Nasally Empowered Reindeer, and A Christmas Carol. It will help you celebrate holidays in an inclusive, culturally sensitive way that is much more enjoyable than a grade school pageant. Plus, the new story "Santa’s Ashes" and Chapter 3 of "Rex Koko. Private Clown".

• Language: English
• Publisher: James Finn Garner
• Release date: Nov 15, 2010
• ISBN: 9781452476384

James Finn Garner

James Finn Garner is a writer and satirist based in Chicago.

Book preview

What Others are Saying About Politically Correct Holiday Stories:

A hoot of a read for anyone who might be just a little weary of the politicizing of everything in modern life….You can feel your whole self ready to explode with a guffaw.

--Santa Cruz Sentinel

The book is scathing and witty and, as good humor does, hits close to home.

--Lansing State Journal

If laughter is the best medicine, this book is a miracle cure.

--Baton Rouge Sunday Advocate

Wickedly funny stuff.

--Detroit News

10 weeks on the New York Times Best Sellers List!

POLITICALLY CORRECT HOLIDAY STORIES

For An Enlightened Yuletide Season

By James Finn Garner

Smashwords Edition

This is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.  Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Original copyright 1995 by James Finn Garner.

Smashwords edition copyright 2010 by James Finn Garner.

All rights reserved.  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

Cover art by H.B. Buck Lewis

ISBN 0-02-860420-2  

Smashwords Edition, License Notes:

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Dedicated to the good persuns of Moorhead State University in Minnesota, where mistletoe has been banned as a holiday decoration, because, according to school president Roland Dille, it tends to sanctify uninvited endearment.

Also, to Lies, Liam, and Anneliese,

my shining Christmas stars.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Twas the Night Before Solstice

Frosty the Persun of Snow

The Nutcracker

Rudolph, the Nasally Empowered Reindeer

A Christmas Carol

Stave I: Marley’s Post-Life Representative

Stave II: The First of the Three Spiritual Facilitators

Stave III: The Second of the Three Spiritual Facilitators

Stave IV: The Last (But By No Means Least) of the Three Spiritual Facilitators

Stave V: The End of Everything

Bonus Material

Santa’s Ashes

Jerry’s Last Fare

Honk Honk, My Darling: A Rex Koko, Private Clown Mystery

About the Author

INTRODUCTION

Fluffy white snow. Cups of golden eggnog. Visions of sugar plums.

At this festive time of year, it is good for each and every one of us to consider carefully just how cruel and exclusionary so many of our old seasonal traditions continue to be. To place so much emphasis on snowfalls and a White Christmas surely is a slap in the face for those persuns in developing tropical nations, who never get to see snow firsthand. The friendly offer of a cup of eggnog is nothing less than a poke in the eye to the dedicated vegans among us. And anyone recovering from an eating disorder can certainly attest that visions of sugar plums dancing in one’s head are more like a nightmare than a sweet dream.

Because of the callousness and insensitivity that abound during the holiday season, I felt compelled once again to perform a public service in the name of right-thinking celebrants everywhere and revise the favorite seasonal tales for our more sensitive era. To avoid any suggestion that with this book I am cashing in on the holiday’s consumer feeding frenzy, let me mention that I tried to persuade my publisher to bring this volume out at a more sedate time of year, such as February or March, when everyone could discuss these emerging ideas calmly and rationally. But the book was made ready for autumn publication because we agreed that one more old-fashioned holiday season is one too many.

To all those cynics who believe that a responsible and progressive celebration must also be differently enjoyable (i.e., no fun), I would ask them to consider the evolution of current traditions. We are all aware (or should be) that the early Christians chose to celebrate the birth of their savior at the same time as pagan winter festivals that welcomed the return of the sun. They were thus able to celebrate Christ’s mass without alienating their neighbors and doubling their chances of being invited to a tasty feast at the same time. Such an early example of inclusionary merrymaking should inspire us all. Today’s neo-pagans can feel especially proud of their heritage/himitage.

We can also turn the holidays into opportunities for positive critical thinking by taking instruction from many legends and oral traditions. Consider the senior female lifemate’s tale about the animals imprisoned in the barnyard, who are granted the gift of speech on Christmas Eve. Initially we might look on this as a disturbing attempt to anthropomorphize other species, forcing them against their will to celebrate the holidays of human animals at the neglect of their own traditions. However, we can turn this fable into an exercise in positive self-reflection if we try to examine the insights the animals might reveal to us about their own species. (Whether we like what they have to tell us, of course, is another matter.)

It is certainly regrettable that this task of liberating the holidays from the oppressiveness of tradition has not been undertaken before, and that it has been left up to a member of my race, gender, and class to complete. To employ the symbols of the season, I do not consider myself a wise man, a shining star, a lamp of miraculous oil, a heavenly messenger, a piñata, or any type of magickal log or fiery pudding. I hope to avoid any impression that I pattern myself after that other member of the Genital Power Elite, Kris Kringle, barging in and assuming that my gifts will be gratefully accepted by right-thinking persuns everywhere.

My only wish is that you will enjoy these stories and share them with your family, alternative household, or other social or non-social group. I hope they will become a new tradition for you, at least until something better comes along. And may your holidays be whatever you decide to make them, if indeed you make them anything at all.

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SOLSTICE

'Twas the night before solstice and all through the co-op

Not a creature was messing the calm status quo up.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

Dreaming of lentils and warm whole-grain breads.

We'd welcomed the winter that day after school

By dancing and drumming and burning the Yule,

A more meaningful gesture to honor the planet

Than buying more trinkets for Mom or Aunt Janet,

Or choosing a tree just to murder and stump it,

And dress it all up like a seasonal strumpet.

My lifemate and I, having turned down the heat,

Slipped under the covers for a well-deserved sleep,

When from out on the lawn there came such a roar

I fell from my futon and rolled to the floor.

I crawled to the window and pulled back the latch,

Muttering, Aw, where is that Neighborhood Watch?

I saw there below through the murk of the night

A sleigh and eight reindeer of non-standard height.

At the reins of that sleigh sat a mean-hearted knave

Who treated each deer like his persunal slave.

I'd seen him before in some ads for car loans,

Plus fast food and soft drinks and cellular phones.

He must have cashed in from his mercantile chores,

Since self-satisfaction just oozed from his pores.

He called each by name, as if he were right

To treat them like humans, entrenching his might:

Now Donder, now Blitzen,

Reviews for Politically Correct Holiday Stories

[ecataldi-1 · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

I was lookin for a quick funy holiday book and sadly this did not deliver. It was inventive and unique, for sure, but... mot what I wanted to read at all. Thankfully it was only 99 pages or I never would have finished it!This tiny book is a collection of short re-imagined holiday tales that have been politically corrected. The reindeer lobby for better rights, Clara won't go off with the nutcracker because "such a journey is symbolic of the violent abduction that occurs in the wedding night [she then mentions that Dorothy and Alice have never been the same]," Frsoty melts due to global warming, etc. Clever but I just wasn't having it.

[beckahrah · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Hilarious! Enjoy!

[dragonasbreath · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

you'll be rolling on the floor as you attempt to get some of the new politically-correct phrases out of your mouth. It will be worse if you are actually trying to follow a tempo.

[fliss88_1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This reminded me of the style of Roald Dahl but didn't quite make it. It's a good twist on the Christmas theme but in my opinion the author is trying just a little too hard to be clever.

[dswaddell · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A scary collection of short holiday tales rewritten in a more politically correct way. An enjoyable holiday read.

[muumuumousie · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

This collection is okay, mildly interesting, but not all that great. I'd say the first part is a solid 2 stars, while The Christmas Carol parody is a probably a 3. That part was easily the best, even if the collection as a whole is a bit of a disappointment. It just seems like most of the stories here are one-trick ponies, without much substance, although their extreme brevity may account for that as well. The idea of being satirical isn't the foundation; it's the whole product. Scrooge's transformation in the last story was much more interesting than the characters in the other stories, perhaps because it was a longer tale with a more complete plot. I'm not sorry I read it, but I could probably take it or leave it.

[aliceanna-1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I don't know whether I liked the New Age Hansel and Gretel or the Type-A Personality Ant of the Ant and the Grasshopper Fame better. Good stuff.

[cougargirl1967 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

What a hoot! Now I want to read Politically Correct Bedtime Stories.

[moriquen · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

It was an ok book overall. It made me laugh every nog and again and the short tales where amusing if not altogether really funny. I especially enjoyed some jokes involving poultry (in the hare and trotoise tale).

[2wondery_1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I love re-tellings of old tales. And Garner did a classy job in Politically Correct Bedtime Stories. He tries to continue the rich vein here, but it shrivels to mediocrity.The PC language is still funny, but the inspired twists are missing.The book is on my ?to get rid of? pile.The best of the stories is ?Sleeping Persun of Better-Than-Average Attractiveness.?PS: the jacket blurb boasts that the London daily Telegraph has called Garner a ?smart-alec, mealy-mouthed creep.? So much for good karma.

[dbhutch_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Beth's review: A friend brought this for me to borrow and i sat and read it in three hours. This is a very good way to look at the way things has changed from the times the fairy tales were written. I love the way all of the fairy tales are written. There were times i was laughing out load at the was Garner had written to make them all politically correct. If you have a sense of humor and hate the way things seem to be corrected to not offend anyone then this is a must read.From Dan:fairy tales and folk tales alike chnage each time a tale is repeated and passed down from generation to genertion. Much like the large differences on the "traditional" fairy tales, and those originally penned by the Brothers Grimm, so has Garner put the fairy tale in a new light, and with a twist. From "PC" spellings of words, to the descriptions of things written so as not to dare offend anyone's PC attitudes, Garner has a blast retelling tales of old and breathing new life and fun into them. Comprised of 8 PC fairy tales, Garner's humor is sure to bring a laugh, grin, or chuckle from almost anyone who reads these tales. Anyone of course, excepting those who have had thier entire sense of humor, sarcasm and wit removed by a skilled proctologist during a pyschiatric combination examination.

[cyderry · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

How many of us as children heard the fairy tales Hansel & Gretel, Puss in Boots, and the Tortoise & the Hare? How many of us wanted to be the Princess & the Pea?(me), The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, or Goldilocks? Did we know at that time we were being exposed to sexist, discriminatory, culturally biased material by our parents and loved ones? Did we have any idea of how these "fairy tales" would affect our futures?These alternate versions of the beloved "fairy tales" by Aesop, the Brothers Grimm, and Hans Christian Andersen, to name a few take a decidedly different turn when written from a politically correct angle. Who would believe that Snow White and her wicked stepmother would end up friends, or that the Tortoise would be disqualified after the race? These are but a few of unusual twists and turns that political correctness takes in these stories.I heard about this books from Whisper1 and ran right out and got them from the library. Some of the tales are so funny I laughed till I cried, others not so much, but definitely worth the read. Thanks Whisper!

[tadad_1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I was given this and Politically Correct Bedtime Stories together. By the second volume, the novelty had worn off.

[tloeffler_3 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

A collection of not-particularly-funny fairy tales (oh, I'm sorry. Is "fairy" politically correct?). Anyway, I was not amused. Kind of dull

[vicarofdibley · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

a very wry retelling of some stories for the PC lot deep in a forested bioregion ...

[keylawk · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Delightful collection of rewritten Christmas stories--the author explaining, in character, that he has modestly undertaken the "task of liberating the holidays from the oppressiveness of tradition". He dedicates the work to a campus "where mistletoe has been officially banned as a holiday decoration, because...it tends to sanctify uninvited endearment".Begins with comic versery - "Twas the Night Before Solstice...and all through the co-op, Not a creature was messing the calm status quo up." Etc.Next, a re-write of "Frosty the Persun of Snow", so as not to offend those who are snow-challenged. Then the "Nutcracker" story is revised so as not to offend serfs or pre-adults. Or the tribal mice. "Rudolph the Nasally Empowered Reindeer" is the elevated biography of that unique individual of the luminescent olfactory organ. And no, we are not spared the suffering he endured as the victim of bullying from peers, and of cruel or ignorant care-givers. Sadly, the tale ends badly.This small well-crafted book concludes with five staves of "A Christmas Carol", rewritten so as not to offend the "spiritual facilitators", or other celebrants. No Christians were harmed in the retelling of sweet Dickens' Scrooge bio.