Politically Correct Bedtime Stories: 25th Anniversary Edition with a new story: Pinocchio

By James Finn Garner

'Essential reading for adults of all ages . . . the wisest, funniest, most thoughtful thing yet written on the subject of PC' Observer

In this bestselling classic, James Finn Garner has rewritten classic stories for more enlightened times; from Snow White's relationship with seven vertically challenged men, Little Red Riding Hood, her grandma and the cross-dressing wolf who set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, to the Emperor who was not naked but was endorsing a clothing-optional lifestyle.

At last, here is bedtime reading free from prejudice and discrimination of witches, giants, dwarves, goblins and fairies everywhere. For anyone brought up on sexist, racist, sizeist and ethnocentrist reading matter, James Finn Garner's stories have been purged of the influence of an insensitive cultural past to become fables for our times.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Souvenir Press
• Release date: Sep 1, 2011
• ISBN: 9780285640627

James Finn Garner

James Finn Garner is a writer and satirist based in Chicago.

Book preview

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

here once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house—not because this was womyn’s work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her.

On the way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, ‘Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.’

The wolf said, ‘You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.’

Red Riding Hood said, ‘I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way.’

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, ‘Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch.’

From the bed, the wolf said softly, ‘Come closer, child, so that I might see you.’

Red Riding Hood said, ‘Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!’

‘They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear.’

‘Grandma, what a big nose you have—only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way.’

‘It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear.’

‘Grandma, what big teeth you have!’

The wolf said, ‘I am happy with who I am and what I am,’ and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf’s apparent tendency towards cross-dressing, but because of his wilful invasion of her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodcutter-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his axe, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped.

‘And just what to you think you’re doing?’ asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodcutter-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.

‘Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!’ she exclaimed. ‘Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can’t solve their own problems without a man’s help!’

When she heard Red Riding Hood’s impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf’s mouth, seized the woodcutter-person’s axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES

ar away, in a time long past, there lived a travelling tailor who found himself in an unfamiliar country. Now, tailors who move from place to place normally keep to themselves and are careful not to overstep the bounds of local decency. This tailor, though, was overly gregarious and decorum-impaired, and soon he was at a local inn, abusing alcohol, invading the personal space of the female employees, and telling unenlightened stories about tinkers, dung-gatherers and other tradespeople.

The innkeeper complained to the police, who grabbed the tailor and dragged him in front of the emperor. As you might expect, a lifetime of belief in the absolute legitimacy of the monarchy and in the inherent superiority of males had turned the emperor into a vain and wisdom-challenged tyrant. The tailor noticed these traits and decided to use them to his advantage.

The emperor asked, ‘Do you have any last request before I banish you from my domain forever?’

The tailor replied, ‘Only that your majesty allow me the honour of crafting a new royal wardrobe. For I have brought with me a special fabric that is so rare and fine that it can be seen only by certain people—the type of people you’d want to have in your realm—people who are politically correct, morally righteous, intellectually astute, culturally tolerant, and who don’t smoke, drink, laugh at sexist jokes, watch too much television, listen to country music, or barbecue.’

After a moment’s thought, the emperor agreed to this request. He was flattered by the fascist and testosterone-heavy idea that the empire and its inhabitants existed only to make him look good. It would be like having a trophy wife and multiplying that feeling by 100,000.

Of course, no such rarefied fabric existed.

Reviews for Politically Correct Bedtime Stories

[nderdog · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The politically correct movement had to invade our fairy tales sooner or later. An entertaining look at what our childhood stories would have been like had the PC people been in charge of the tellings. The 7 dwarfs are now vertically-challenged. Little Red Riding Hood doesn't need a man to save her. Rumpelstiltskin has quite a task in front of him.

[aliceanna-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

What a hoot! My favorite was Snow White and the Vertically-Challenged Bearded Men. I think it was the mother-of-step who was morally out of the mainstream until she learned to accept her natural body image. Or perhaps it was the prince's involuntary suspension from phallocentric activity (impotence) that sold me. But then again the Frog Prince who was a real estate developer was good too. As was the Pied Piper of Hamalin, retained to rid the town of trailer-park trash. It was funny!

[jshillingford_2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Hysterically funny collection of "revised" fairy tales. Garner retells classic fairy tales, like Snow White, but takes politically correct language and terms to the 9th degree. Wonderful satire on people's often obsessive need to try and never offend anyone.

[tadad_1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Amusing takes on some favorite fairy tales.

[isabelx_21 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A book containing a series of fairy tales re-written without sexist, heterosexist, ageist, sizeist, classist, speciesist or any other -ist bias. I read it in one evening, and found the way that the traditional versions of the stories had been warped to fit in with the politically correct agenda very amusing.I liked the version of "The Pied Piper of Hamelin" - the children of Hamelin may not have vanished into a mountain, but in a political sense they were most definitely lost to their parents."As their children began to form tax protest groups and shooting clubs, the town councillors sadly realized that all their years of careful social planning would soon come to nothing. The next day, they found the public-address van on the outskirts of town, but there was no sign of the mysterious man whom they had tried to swindle."

[neringros · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Could this book have been written better? Definitely, but I found it really funny and a great satire on the absurdity of the whole PC craziness! Makes me glad the fairy tales didn't actually get censored and politically corrected :)Personally, I find nothing wrong with the old fairy tales. Taken in context, they illustrate the way of living and people's beliefs of the past very well. Are we going to re-write the history books as well? Political Correctness has it's place, but it needs to be politically correct itself and not try to re-write history/old folklore.

[cyderry · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

How many of us as children heard the fairy tales Hansel & Gretel, Puss in Boots, and the Tortoise & the Hare? How many of us wanted to be the Princess & the Pea?(me), The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, or Goldilocks? Did we know at that time we were being exposed to sexist, discriminatory, culturally biased material by our parents and loved ones? Did we have any idea of how these "fairy tales" would affect our futures?These alternate versions of the beloved "fairy tales" by Aesop, the Brothers Grimm, and Hans Christian Andersen, to name a few take a decidedly different turn when written from a politically correct angle. Who would believe that Snow White and her wicked stepmother would end up friends, or that the Tortoise would be disqualified after the race? These are but a few of unusual twists and turns that political correctness takes in these stories.I heard about this books from Whisper1 and ran right out and got them from the library. Some of the tales are so funny I laughed till I cried, others not so much, but definitely worth the read. Thanks Whisper!

[neverwithoutabook · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

A delightful little romp through those familiar fairytales we all grew up with but this is not how we remember them. I found this politically correct version amusing, quick and light reading. Worth the effort.

[benuathanasia · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I'm assuming it's supposed to be satire, but it takes itself so seriously it comes across as pretentious shite.

[bookratmisty · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

If the Jon Scieszka tales were the great slapstick fairy tale parodies for kids, James Finn Garner's Politically Correct Bedtime Stories are what those same kids read when they're all grown up. Lampooning fairy tales and political correctness itself, these tales are utterly ridiculous and laugh out loud funny. (Occasionally Scoff Out Loud, too...)Every single place in a story that anyone could possibly find fault, Garner has turned it on it's head and made it so PC as to be BS... (hence why I'm always abbreviating the series title as PC BS - I doubt that was unintentional on the author's part).Take for example, Little Red Riding Hood, which opens the collection:There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit to her grandmother's house - not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but was rather in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her...There are the obvious things, like the reference to the woods, but even silly little things like the spelling of "womyn" and the refusal to call Red "little" or a girl - this attention to detail and to flipping everything on its head is found through out. The further along you read, the more it builds on itself and the more ridiculous and funny it gets. Consider later in the same story, when we get to Little Red's classic line "But Grandmother, what big teeth you have!" The wolf's reaction?"I am happy with who I am and what I am!"and he prepares to eat Red, as always. And the Woodsman bursts in, of course, but does not get his usual welcome reception. Instead he is called a sexist and a speciesist for "bursting in like a Neandrathal" and expecting his weapon to do the thinking for him. Fit and active grandmother bursts up from the wolf's belly, out through his throat, and slays the Woodsman, whereupon she, Little Red and the wolf set up "an alternate household based on mutual respect and cooperation."Each story ends more ridiculous than the last, all in the name of political correctness. The naked emporer is just embracing a "clothing optional" lifestyle. The witch in Rapunzel becomes Rapunzel's "momager," raking in the big bucks on Rapunzel's singing voice and good looks. The spinner in Rumpelstiltskin "guesses" his name because he is still wearing his name badge from the "Little People's Empowerment Seminar." The 3 little pigs shout insults at the wolf who is looking to take their land ("Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their home and culture!" "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic opressor!"), then sing protest songs as the wolf huffs and puffs - and falls down dead from heart attack brought on by too much fatty food. It's all utterly ridiculous and good silly fun. And a super quick read, too, with each story only being 2-3 pages, and the whole book being less than 80. And though this type of humor is certainly not for everyone, if it is yours, I'd recommend picking this one up.

[hotwolfie · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This was an amusing book to read through once. I had a blast looking over the stories. It's a good, satirical look at the fairy tale genre. For a short read it's not bad. I would recommend reading it at least once. You'll remember it.

[cameling_2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

A laugh-out-loud quick read. It takes all our old favorite (or at least my favorite) bedtime stories such as Cinderella, Rapunzel, The Princess & the Pea, The Emperor's New Clothes, The Three Little Pigs among others and puts them in politically correct contexts with some slight changes in the endings. Most definitely one of the funniest books I've read in a while.A re-reading keeper for those days when I need a quick pick-me-up in the laughs department.

[heather19_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I read this book a long, long time ago, at my grandparents house (okay okay, I was visiting for a week and I hid it in my room the entire time, being too young to be "allowed" to read that kind of stuff). I finally own it, and I must admit that now that I'm older, and understand "political correctness" better, it's even better then I remember.

[cheryl_in_cc_nv · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

It would work better as a parody of a parody, I think. That is, Garner is obviously making fun of the politically correct movement. But he's doing so clumsily, imo. So, if one reads this as him being tongue-in-cheek, making fun of those who make fun of PC, then the book is a little funnier. Mainly I'm glad it was short.

[emma_manolis · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book is more for intelligent adults than small children. I throughly enjoyed reading through this and found myself laughing out loud on numerous occasions. If you want a light read and can laugh at society and what it has become then you will really enjoy reading this.

[chrisweir-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A politically correct look at fairy tales we all grew up with. Puss N Boots who turns out to actually be the brains behind a politician, ,until the politician comes clean. A really weird take on the Little Mermaid which has the Price coming to live under the sea. The Tortoise and the Hare in which the Hare takes on too many endorsements, as well as a few other issues Fun tongue and cheek look at fairy tales.

[engpunk77 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Hilarious!

[the1butterfly · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is just as funny as it sounds- even those who aren't into fairy tales will enjoy the inherent humor. There are plenty of jokes not only about being excessively PC, but also about our modern ways of thinking we should live. The slight variants on the plot of many of the tales only serve to add to them. This is yet another addition to our re-imaginings of these tales that helps us rethink not only the tales themselves, but the tellers.

[altheaann · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Very slim volume - only took about an hour to read.
These are short retellings of classic fairy tales, complete with twists and sly asides, poking fun of - or maybe just paying tribute to - our 'enlightened' society. The brevity of the book is probably wise, as the joke does get repetitive after a while - but still, there are some clever turns of phrase and funny changes in plot - especially as far as punchlines. Definitely good for a few laughs.

[lilyevans_1 · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

You know, I really like parodies. I’ve read some parodies (online) of fairy tales and I’ve found them pretty funny. So imagine my disappointment when, after I spent two hours reading this short book, I felt nothing. There was nothing funny. The stories bored me. I didn’t feel it was worth my time. I also ordered the other books the author had written parodying fairy tales but didn’t bother after reading this book. A waste of time, unless you want a book that will put you to sleep (which it did).

[mialro_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Ranges from amusing to hilarious. "Politically correct" versions of traditional fairy tales or bedtime stories that have been changed to be feminist, equal-opportunist, etc. Obviously not for kids, for both subject matter and comprehension reasons.