Mother's Daze: A Hilarious Look At Family

By Julie Ahlstrom

A humorous look at life and events of a young family living life to the fullest!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 22, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483517957

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Ahlstrom

Lonny and Profanity

It was a beautiful summer morning, cool and quiet. The 'read a book' kind of morning that we don't often get. I was actually thinking of doing just that: 'reading a book', when the quiet was suddenly shattered. I went to the back deck and here was my beautiful five year old son, standing on the garbage can and shouting the notorious 'F' word at the top of his lungs. Now you have to know that profanity was not a part of my life growing up. Being the middle child of seven children, my parents never tolerated profanity. We lived in a small town where everyone went to church, and your social life revolved around the church activities. All of my friends and family were very strong in the church and you just never heard profanity. At that time, profanity wasn't allowed in movies or on television. When I was about seven years old, I called my brother a 'jackass' because that was the worst word I knew, and my Dad was out the door with that bar of soap before the last 's' was said. I pulled Lonny down off the can and explained that the 'F' word was never, never, NEVER to be used, and if he did, I would have to wash it right out of his mouth with soap. I asked him who had told him that word so I could have them arrested, but the neighbor boy was only six so I didn't think the police would hold him. When I was finished with the thumbscrews, I let him go back out to play knowing what an impression I had made on him; after all, I was his 'Mother'! It lasted three minutes! When I heard it again, I actually was going to use the soap, but when those big, brown eyes stared up at me and that little lip quivered ( I swear, he had to practice that move), I just couldn't bring myself to do it, so I sent him out again with the lecture and made him 'PROMISE'. Unfortunately for Lonny, his sisters never saw the quiver. They told on him right away and they all came in to witness the punishment. Well, I made him bite on the bar and he started crying and the tears were as big as balloons running down his cheeks and mixing with the bubbles. It was 'Ivory Soap' so it bubbled, and the girls were laughing behind their hands and I was standing there like an army sergeant trying not to cry because he looked so pathetic, all the time thinking: Is this making me a good mommy?

Luanne and the Whale

Since I was not a gifted child, it came as quite a surprise to have Luanne. We knew she was special because she taught herself to play the piano. She never had lessons and she learned because she wanted to play in the orchestra at school, AND because the teacher gave $10 to the students that actually practiced everyday. Every project she did in school had to be major. She wasn't satisfied with just making the planet Jupiter. She had to make the WHOLE UNIVERSE, and the entire family was up to their necks in paper-mache and balloons. My favorite project however, was the 'whale.' She was an honor student and very good at getting her work done, so I was surprised when she called me at work and told me that her research project was due that day and she didn't have it. I was a store manager and had to arrange for someone to replace me at work, so it was a pretty big deal for me. I picked her up at school, and went home to make the whale. I wasn't very happy about it. What a Project! This wasn't just any whale; this had to be the 'Moby Dick' of whales. I made the salt dough and she made the ocean out of a large piece of cardboard. She made this gigantic whale and had to paint it while it was still wet. It was this gigantic black and white creature from the 'Black Lagoon' nightmare movies! We put together the whole Atlantic Ocean, with all of the sticky creatures that live in it. Somehow we got it into the car and got her back to school before the lunch hour was over. It was a Herculean effort and she actually got an 'A', of which I constantly remind her every time she hesitates doing something. I just look her square in the eyes and say, Remember the Whale? She looks pained, but she jumps right up and does what I ask. I've used that for thirty years now and it works every time.

Stephanie and Jenn

Stephanie was our youngest child and the kind of child you would order if you were going through a catalogue. Pretty, quiet, plays well with others, she had a sweet and gentle disposition when she was young. (It's been thirty years and I am still trying to recover from those teenage years.) As a child, she made lots of friends, most of