The Good, The Bad, and The Utterly Screwed

By Steff Metal

Amelia jumps at the chance to go to Antarctica to study male emperor penguins. But her research takes a dangerous turn when she ends up trapped in a cabin with a man who doesn’t seem to be quite human any more. Larry is on a road trip to meet his Messiah, so why is he carrying a pistol in the glove-box? Elisa and Stuart were star-crossed lovers, but a late-night tragedy leaves them in a very odd predicament.

Enjoy 5 stories of weird woe in this hilarious horror short story collection by New Zealand blogger Steff Metal (www.steffmetal.com), along with an excerpt from her upcoming novel, At War With Satan – a tale of love, redemption, and heavy metal that is part Paradise Lost, part Wayne’s World.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Steff Metal
• Release date: Sep 1, 2013
• ISBN: 9781310802928

Steff Metal

Steff Metal is a writer, blogger and heavy metal maiden who lives off-grid in New Zealand with her cantankerous drummer husband, cat (Chairman Meow), and a menageries of barnyard animals. She writes about heavy metal - the music, the culture, the concerts and the lifestyle - as well as homesteading, brewing her own mead, and living off-grid. Her first book is a short story collection. "The Good, The Bad, and The Utterly Screwed" features 5 weird horror tales and an excerpt from her upcoming novel. "At War With Satan" is a tale of love, redemption and blastbeats, part Dante's "Inferno", part "Wayne's World" and is due out early 2014.

Book preview

The Good, The Bad, and The Utterly Screwed.

Were-penguins, haunted lightbulbs, odd neighbours,

and other tales of weird woe.

Steff Metal

Features an exclusive excerpt from her upcoming novel, At War With Satan.

Copyright Steff Metal 2013.

Smashwords Edition.

Find out more about the author at www.steffmetal.com.

Copyright 2013 Steff Metal. Published by Steff Metal. Smashwords Edition.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to real persons, living or dead, found within are purely coincidental.

All Rights Reserved. This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Grymm & Epic Publishing

www.grymmandepic.com

Contact: [e-mail]

For James, long of hair and strong of thought.

Table of Contents

Into the Light

WACK

Larry Goes Forth

Flat No. 66.5

She'll Be Right

Preview: At War With Satan

Into the Light

Author's Note: Honourable mention, Slippery When Wet short story competition 2007. Originally published in Slippery When Wet: A Collection of Australian Short Stories, 6th Edition, Australian Roadside Services, Postscript Publishing.

They met across a crowded bar. Stuart tripped over a handbag, lost his footing on the shiny faux-rimu floor, thrust his arms out in front of him to break his fall - forgetting his hands were full with pint glasses - and sailed into a pile of occupied barstools. Elisa had until a few moments previously occupied one of those barstools, and now found herself sprawled atop Stuart with sticky beer down her Ralph Lauren dress and a half glass of vodka and cranberry juice still miraculously sloshing around in her hand.

Their eyes met. All over Auckland, pins dropped. The Sky Tower wobbled on its axis. People talked in whispers for no reason at all.

She was an attractive blonde; he was attracted to attractive blondes. There was nothing either of them could do to save the situation; it was love at first sight. It was fate, karma, destiny, the gnarled and twisted hand of God. The romance would have ended in marriage, kids, a station wagon, two sets of false teeth and a family plot in the local cemetery had it not been for the cruel and capricious hand of narrative causation.

Elisa, the heroine of the story - the women who moments ago had single-handedly saved her overpriced half glass of vodka and cranberry juice from certain destruction - said buggerit to all thoughts of common-sense and infectious diseases as she dragged Stuart up the stairs to her renovated Victorian-charm-with-only-a-few-spiders Ponsonby villa, for a night of unmentionables and sweet nothings and 2am arguments about the kids' middle names

***

She awoke early the following morning to the sound of Stuart calling her name. Smiling, she reached over and wrapped her arms around his shoulders …

Elisa!

… and recoiled in horror.

She bolted upright and looked down at her lover. Stuart lay sprawled beside her as he'd fallen asleep the night before – on his stomach, his feet tucked under the iron bed frame, his right arm flailing over the edge. But now he was different. His skin felt palled and ice cold, his eyes vacant, his pulse non-existent.

He appeared to be quite thoroughly dead. And yet. …

Elisa, up here.

Stuart? She glanced around the room. Where are you?

I'm up HERE She looked up. There was nothing on the ceiling apart from a lone mosquito and one low, swinging light fixture.

Where?

HERE! exclaimed the lightbulb, clearly annoyed

Wha … what happened? She patted the body next to her. You appear to have died.

Well, I'm not breathing anymore, so I suspect that's what happened. I think it was a heart attack. My brother died the same way.

From a heart attack? You're only thirty-two. Somebody's been eating too many pies.

Elisa, honey, now is not the time for an analysis of my cholesterol intake.

Sorry. So why are you up there?

Um … The lightbulb paused. You know how when you die everything goes dark and tingly and there's a sign that says 'Step Into the Light?'

I've not experienced it personally, but that's my understanding of it.

I think I stepped into the wrong light, and now I'm stuck. Can you get me out?

Elisa pondered this.

Just a moment. She padded out of the room, returning shortly afterward wielding an axe.

Stand back, Stewie! She hefted the heavy handle over her shoulder. I'll save you.

Baby, what do you think you're HEY!

Elisa swung. But, being a girl, of course she missed the lightbulb by ten kilometres. Loosing her balance, she stumbled across the room and embedded the axe in the wall above the bed.

Elisa, honey, why don't you leave the axe there and we stop and think about this? the lightbulb implored.

Elisa gripped the axe handle with both hands, planted her feet against the headboard, and pulled. It flew out of the wall and she sailed backward. The axe flew out of her hands and landed in the skull of the dead Stuart. Blood and other miscellaneous goo oozed onto the duvet.

Eeewwww. The lightbulb swung back and forth angrily. Now look what you've done.

Horrified, Elisa backed out of the room. I'll get help! She grabbed her car keys. "Wait