Stick in the Eye

By Boris D. Schleinkofer

Alex's story: a weekend in the life of a Las Madres hipster and his best friend Jamie, as they get into trouble with a stolen car, a bottle of tequila, a broken tattoo-gun, and the psycho ex-girlfriend. No good deed goes unpunished, and Alex won't get away without paying his pound of flesh. THIS IS A SCREENPLAY-FORMATTED DOCUMENT.

Character-driven black comedy about the Average Man's frustrations and how he deals with them--by not dealing with them.
"To me it reads like "Kids" meets 90's slacker comedy/Superbad with a fun sprinkling of Genet (City of Lost Children, Amelie) style peripheral effects. The extra details (tequila worm taking a bite of pulp, character reincorporation, day dream sequences, etc) are a great aesthetic element that adds nicely to the story telling. Additionally, the dialogue has solid pacing and moves along at a nice clip." - C.M. 'Spike' Daeley

• Language: English
• Publisher: Boris D. Schleinkofer
• Release date: Aug 18, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301346530

Boris D. Schleinkofer

He is a fictional character in the Horror-Play “The Greatest Practical Joke Ever”, by Shaytan Komp’ü’tor. He has never made love to a beautiful woman, never wallowed in fresh kill, never found a briefcase full of hundred-dollar bills. In fact, he doesn't even exist at all. So there...And another:Boris D. Schleinkofer is a slave, just like you and everybody else. He lives near the monolith of Baal. His number is 5x2-00x1-11. He is a good citizen.

Book preview

Stick in the Eye

a screenplay by

Boris D. Schleinkofer

copyright 2013

ISBN 9781301346530; Smashwords Edition

Cover and Author photo by Boris D. Schleinkofer

Artwork made with assistance from https://deepdreamgenerator.com

All rights reserved.

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Table of Contents

Act One

It's just getting started

Act Two

It's halfway over

Act Three

It's about three-quarters of the way through

It's done

Concept Art

Credits

(FADEIN:)

(TITLES and CREDITS flash past, printed on sheets of paper whirring and humming through a photocopier; an EMPLOYEE picks up the stacks of papers and sorts them into piles on a bench. A brightly-colored flyer nearby oozes animation that takes over the TITLES-SCREEN TRANSITION SEQUENCES:)

(Apocalypse Now-themed SOLDIERS fight in the jungle against faceless ENEMIES with rifles and flags obscured by the sun setting behind them. A closer look at the combatants reveals them to be two tribes of warring worms, battling to the bitter death. Between CREDITS SEQUENCES the ENEMIES intermorph, superimposing over the images of the CUSTOMERS in the store, while the SOLDIERS shift places and faces with the EMPLOYEES, prominent among whom is...)

INT - QUIRKO’S COPIES - DAY

(ALEX, urban hipster: Shaved head, goatee and earrings, somewhere between rapper and beatnik—at any rate, a master of pretended cool—a showoff; he leaves his shirt untucked. He adjusts the thunderous volume of the rap music playing over the store sound system while busily rushing around taking orders from college kids and architects in a hurry. One grizzled old man wearing thick glasses, army fatigues and a POW/MIA baseball cap takes his place in line, clutching a scrap of paper to his chest. ALEX rings up a college JOCK’s purchase.)

JOCK

Here.

(He hands ALEX a single bill which is quickly tucked into the register. ALEX fumbles out change while the JOCK looks bored; the JOCK’s eyes drift upward around the ceiling and then back to the register.)

JOCK

That’s not the right change.

(ALEX visibly recoils, then regains his composure.)

ALEX

Well, the machine’s calculator works pretty good, and that looks about right for what you gave me...

JOCK

I gave you a ten!

(ALEX all-too-quickly begins to look exasperated:)

ALEX

No, you didn’t; I’ve got your bill right here.

JOCK

(curling his fists) If you’re trying to rip me off—

ALEX

I’ll go get the manager for you; I’ll be right back.

(ALEX beats a hasty retreat into the bowels of the building while the JOCK glares angrily at his backside. Another hassled employee—JAMIE—takes his stand behind the cash register. The VET clutches his papers tightly in front of his face, squinting.)

JAMIE

Can I help the next person in line?

(A nubile college NYMPHETTE steps up to the counter beside the JOCK and sets a pile of papers down. She hands her copy key to JAMIE, who punches buttons on the register importantly:)

JAMIE

OK, four hundred and twenty regular black and white copies... That’ll be thirty-eight cents, please.

(JAMIE gives the NYMPHETTE a goofy smile and stares at her chest; she unresponsively goes to her purse and fishes out a wallet.)

JOCK

Hey, what’s up with thirty-eight cents? My two copies cost three bucks!

JAMIE

She gets the preferred customer discount.

JOCK (to NYMPHETTE)

Make sure you count your change.

(She shoots the JOCK a wary look and leaves. ALEX steps out from the back and walks over to the register. JAMIE goes back to his business off-screen, leaving ALEX alone with the JOCK.)

JOCK

Where’s the manager?

ALEX

She’s on the phone right now; she said she’ll be out in a minute. (to VET) Can I help you?

JOCK

Hey, wait a goddamn minute—what about my change? I’m not leaving ‘till I get my money!

INT QUIRKO’S COPIES - DAY - DAYDREAM SEQUENCE

(FX: Anime-style speed-lines around characters’ outlines, swiftly-moving dolly-shots, bullet-time sequences, etc.)

ALEX

Shut the fuck up!

(ALEX pulls a .38 out from the back of his apron and discharges the weapon; the bullets materialize big toothy grins as they tumble through the air and then blow holes in the jock. END FX.)

ALEX

(through clenched teeth) The manager’ll be right with you—Next?

(The JOCK slams his palm on the counter and takes two steps over, glaring at ALEX all the time. The VET steps up.)

ALEX

Can I help you?

VET

I need to have this faxed, to the number written on the top, but I can’t read it. Would you do me the honor? My eyes have just about given up on me.

(The VET takes his glasses off and rubs around his eyes. ALEX picks the document off the countertop and scrutinizes the alien runes scrawled at the top; it’s addressed to a doctor of psychology and contains reference to epilepsy and psychotic breakdown.)

ALEX

Who sends faxes any more?

VET

I need to have this faxed...

ALEX

Yeah, I got