Shelter

By Doris Janzen

Jacklyn Davis has discovered something about her husband that has caused her world to crumble around her. Through the eyes of Ben, their daughters, friends and family, we see The Situation, and how they all search for a safe haven of healing, love, and fulfillment out of brokenness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Doris Janzen
• Release date: Jul 9, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301951406

Doris Janzen

Doris Janzen grew up in rural Saskatchewan,Canada. She was drawn to a career in teaching, to the love of her life, Tim, and subsequently to Alberta, where they now reside with their three daughters.There was never a time when a good story has not touched her heart, and after enjoying the writing of others for many years, she decided to give back.

Book preview

Family is just a word, but that’s like saying a gift is just a box. So much is hidden within. Can it be captured and held in your hand, like a file, listing birthdates with accompanying photos? Or is it an ever-morphing work of art, a collaboration by many that has beauty in its complexities? Sometimes you just have to make the effort to see that beauty. Ben wished to store this priceless creation changeless, at least for a while. He closed his eyes to snatch the moment in time and treasure it in his memory, a soft whistle escaping his lips. He didn’t want to disturb the scene.

The air was scented by awakened prairie earth. Her hair, whipped by that uncharacteristically warm February breeze, glowed with sunlight. What a beautiful woman, he thought. Another blond head popped up from the traveling playpen, where his daughter was supposed to be having a nap. In her toddler mind, she could not go down without a fight or at least an objection. Ben grinned at his daughter behind peek-a-boo palms. Katie smiled, showing a few tiny chicklet teeth, but was quiet. Night night, he gestured, head cocked to the right against his hands, eyes closed. When he revealed one eye to check, Katie peered through the mesh and watched him, quiet behind smiling lips. Then, obediently and amazingly, she put her head down and closed her eyes, clutching her micro fleece pink princess blanket in her fist.

He relaxed into the folding chair, as much as anybody could in one of those, and watched the pair on the deck to his left. She sat on the old quilt they used as a picnic blanket, with a bean bag chair pushed carefully against the house, nursing their beautiful bald baby girl. Now, this was a beautiful, miraculous addition to the family masterpiece. His eyes closed in the sunshine to the south. He’d brought out a single chair when they realized with wide eyes and grins that it could be done. (He was on ground that would normally have been covered by a four-foot drift.) In record-breaking time, lunch had been eaten, the playpen was up, and blankets were gathered. Marveling at the spring-like warmth and record high temperatures for that time of year in Saskatchewan, he accepted and thanked God for undeserved gifts. Then, changing his mind about his chosen spot, Ben picked up his chair. With silence and stealth, as a relatively new father will during precious brief naptime, he set it down closer to Jacklyn.

Hi.

She beamed at him, those maternal hormones of contentment still keeping her aloft. Hey.

His second sweet miracle, Janelle, stopped to gaze at him for a moment, smiled, and continued. Ben’s heart skipped a beat. Did you see? he whispered excitedly, touching Jacklyn’s arm.

She shook her head. Gas.

No way. She looked right at me and grinned. You saw it!

Ben, I know you love these firsts and want to write them down and everything, and I do, too, but really it was just . . .

And then that little tyke went and proved her right. Jacklyn giggled and then groaned. Oh, no, it’s worse than that.

Ben returned from the trash near the back fence, washed his hands with wipes, and reminded himself to scrub again when they went inside. He landed heavily in the chair beside her, eyebrows raised, hands in the air. Okay, I’m done. Next one’s yours. And, by the way, I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy butterscotch pudding again.

The baby slept peacefully in her arms, fresh and smelling like baby powder and newness and the irresistibly tantalizing promise of a brand new start. Are you glad we waited?

Hmm? Ben was confused. To change the diaper? To come outside on this unbelievable Sunday afternoon? To pay the electricity bill? Thankfully, she didn’t make him figure out what she meant. It really bugged him when women did that. I’m no psychic, he had thought, and said, on many occasions.

She gestured by a quick motion of her head to the green space behind their yard. The paved walking path on the hill was visible over the fence, where a toddler and baby in a double stroller were being pushed wearily by a very young man and woman. You know, to have kids. Are you glad we waited?

He thought about this, rubbing his chin. Why would anyone wait to create a masterpiece if they knew how it would turn out in the end? Should they have jumped in with both feet, brushes blazing, to create a future, young and energized, jobless? There was the clincher.

I’m glad we feel more financially stable and mature than they probably are, with careers really established, but I sure wish I had the stamina and energy for sleepless nights.

I know what you mean.

Actually, it came out more like I owe wha oo ee emerging from that giant yawn, but he got the drift. It wasn’t just a matter of finishing each other’s sentences. There were translation abilities required in marriage, like those an excellent dental hygienist uses with a chatty patient. We should actually be taking advantage of this, you know.

A quick raise of one eyebrow. Now? But, Jacks, even in our own backyard . . . I’m not sure they allow that sort of thing. He winked at her.

With a not-so-gentle swat below the chair’s arm, she chuckled. I was referring to a nap on the blanket, silly.

He complied without any argument and lay on his side, his body forming a well-known invitation for her to join him. The familiar scent of vanilla was in her hair. Jacklyn fit herself snugly against his warmth, cradling the baby near her.

We had years to really know each other. There’s something to that, don’t you think? Ben raised himself up to one elbow, his head on his hand as he gently tucked her hair behind one ear.

Hmm, yes. Love you, she whispered sleepily.

Sleep deprivation beats conversation once again. Love you. He imagined how they appeared, the scene framed on a wall, or in an ad for diapers, perhaps.

The family that sleeps together keeps together.

Not the best slogan, but not bad. Oh well. He didn’t have to sell diapers right now, just buy them.

A family. A gift. It had begun as two lonely people, woven together by time, with children, and in love. Ben's eyes were closed, but his heart was open and very, very full.

~~~~

Chapter 1 - Jackie

Avoiding

There are few things in life more beautiful than a wedding ring, so perfectly circular, so solid, and shining with endless promises. To love. To cherish. Jackie didn’t have to look at it to see it. It was the kind of image that had been stored most carefully, etched from the first moment she saw it, scored more deeply with each proud showing to family and friends, and carved into her memory’s museum whenever she glanced down to catch its sparkling brilliance. She contemplated the strength of the weld that held it together, the tiny, fragile claws desperately clutching precious stones, and the fear of losing it—or worse, having it stolen from her by an unseen thief. Jackie turned her wedding band and engagement set with her thumb, feeling a comforting reminder that, yes, it was still there, though it had a disconcerting freedom to spin on her chilly fingers. It seemed her hands were always cold these days, not only because of the December deep freeze.

She held it closer with one thumb and a tightened fist. It was then that she realized she’d had her eyes closed at a party. Not a very polite guest, she thought. Laughter, drones of conversations, and calls across the apartment reached through the fog now, but she was reluctant to express interest in any of it. No one seemed to have noticed her there in the hall, leaning against the doorframe. Perhaps studying her shoes would be an excuse for what must surely appear to be impolite behavior in a best friend’s home. Ah, there . . . a hole in her hose, near the toe, requiring scrutiny. She slipped out of her high heel to reveal it fully, turned to conceal it under her heel, and replaced it in the shoe, wincing. Jackie proceeded to remove a minuscule thread from her black wool skirt and then ran out of excuses. Looking up, her eyes met Ben’s across the room. That smile, wouldn’t it warm anyone’s heart? Lips pressed tightly between trembling teeth, she glanced quickly away and over their heads, apparently searching for an emergency exit sign.

A double-sided cardboard message hung from the stippled ceiling of the apartment. It reminded everyone why they were gathered. OH NO, BIG 4-0! it called boldly in black with shimmering glitter outlines, as though thrilled and depressed at the same time. Dozens of black and silver balloons formed garlands to frame Barb’s great room and kitchen walls. They were a dramatic statement next to her candy-apple red and lemon-yellow decor, as if any more needed to be said. It already screamed, Here I am—take me or leave me. No apologies. White cabinetry and twin black leather sofas were the only neutrals in her entire apartment. Oh, and the white ceiling. That was Barb’s limit. From the start, that girl had been on a mission.

It was April, a Tuesday afternoon. Barb relayed the house hunt story to her friend: The sun had shone like a spotlight through the bedroom window onto a cross the previous owner had hung above her dresser. It was a sign! She’d been given a housewarming before she’d even signed the papers, as though God had been her realtor.

Fine, Jacks, she sighed, continuing their walkthrough on possession day. I’ll keep those neutral, but the bathroom walls will be this juicy grass green I saw in a show home. Her fingers spread wide to paint fireworks sprays in the air. There’ll be blaze orange and plush, yellow towels, like a spa! Instead of relaxing, it will energize! she’d said, eyes in a squinted smile and hands outspread the day she’d shown off her condo. Jacklyn had just smiled and helped her pick paint colors.

Bedrooms were supposed to be soothing, but her friend’s was daringly turquoise. It was adorned with sparkling silver cushions of silk. Fringed bolster pillows were a deeper shade of blue than the walls. It looked like a disco in Bora Bora, and Jacklyn couldn’t quite imagine sleeping there. To each her own, she thought. This place was nothing if not courageous; if color helped to infuse Barb with life after a shattered marriage, her multihued home was medicine for the soul.

From her vantage point as a wallflower, Jackie scanned the crowd and came to rest on the phrase stenciled on the wall in the hallway: Don’t Stop Believin’. A mirror was framed with several photos of Jackie’s kids, two of Barb holding babies from the hospital, three of a handsome, dark-haired man, and four florist cards with sweet notes from Shawn. Each proclaimed a different message of love scribed in a single word: Sweetheart, Always, Friend, and Forever. What a different life her friend led. She just wouldn’t understand.

The sheet cake was poster sized, with Fierce, Fabulous and Forty scribed in fuchsia lettering across white fondant. Lighter pink and black circles, scattered randomly across its surface, reminded all that this girl was far from boring. She would only be gently teased about the metaphorical hill she may or may not have been approaching. Her work colleagues knew her well. This surprise party had been an absolute smash, despite her best friend’s inability to contribute either to the décor or the festive mood.

. . . And he actually gave her running shoes last Christmas. Running shoes. Can you believe it, Jacks?

Jackie knew it was her friend reaching through the fog, but the words only reminded her that her feet hurt. They could sure use a foot rub. Fat chance. That reminded her that her skirt felt way too tight. She’d had to lie down on the bed to put it on that evening. What a piece of work she’d become.

Hmm? Oh, really? Wow. Unbelievable, hey? Jackie thumbed the ring again as she responded. What a romantic.

She couldn’t even look Barb in the eye. Her friend would guess something was up. It was best to just look down at that skirt filled to capacity and that ugly, itchy Christmas sweater and keep her mouth shut. Don’t spoil a party.

"Patricia returned them at the next BOGO event and got some hot pink heels with red cousins to match. And don’t think she’ll be wearing them on a date with him next time we see her! Barb giggled and leaned in conspiratorially. I think she’s got her eye on someone else."

Mmm, Jackie answered and smiled automatically, but without much heart. Where was her heart, anyway? Perhaps it had just become bored with her company and found a new, more interesting body. She feared she’d never have it whole again. It was like the molded Jell-O she’d brought for last Valentine’s Day at school. The stupid thing hadn’t come out properly from the start, and she’d watched it, untouched, disintegrating into a depressing puddle surrounded by one big party.

Suddenly, she sought Ben out of the happy crowd, recalling the numerous times when a single glance or nod across a crowd would have let them communicate with perfect understanding. Maybe she should just catch a ride home with someone headed that direction. Maybe she should just crawl under the table like a four-year-old. Maybe she should seek a psychiatrist.

Not finding him among the sea of laughing and chattering friends, she grasped her friend’s hand and put on a smile. Barb, this party is fantastic. I just need to find Ben and get home. The sitter is so young, and it’s already past ten . . .

Seriously? Seriously. Jacks, you have been my best friend for almost thirty years, and you’re leaving my party because you think your sitter might be tired? C’mon, you and I babysat at that age, and we were up until midnight watching music videos and eating fudge. Don’t you remember those nights taking care of six kids together at the Carlsons’? I don’t think we’ve gone to bed before ten since we were ten. We’re just gettin’ started!

She pulled Jackie toward the glossy yellow table, where a group of three of her work friends was starting a card game. Seated on a rainbow of mismatched chairs from thrift stores in the city, bursting with laughter at an inside joke from what she imagined was hilarious hospital banter, they held their stomachs and one wiped tears from her eyes.

Hey, can you deal us in? Barb asked, grinning, as the chorus of To Barb! met their ears and printed paper cups clinked soundlessly in a birthday toast. As the cards were redealt, Barb apologized, Actually, I’d better keep mingling. Back in a minute!

Jackie smiled weakly at the others and sighed. Sipping cranberry punch, she watched Barb’s swinging silver earrings and glossily straightened black tresses disappear with their owner, who was on her way to change the CD in the stereo. Since a few months after Barb made the move back from Vancouver, she had dragged Jackie to every group gathering and restaurant date with friends, every staff get-together and holiday party. Jackie loved Barb dearly but wasn’t really into the crowds and noise that her friend needed to feel alive, especially now. All Jackie really wanted, at that moment, was to sink blissfully into hot water and feel the tension of the past months be pulled into ten million tiny bubbles of froth, which could then disappear. It would all disappear, at least, for a while.

Should we get going? she asked as Ben leaned in beside her to kiss her cheek, missing the target as she turned away. Several of the other players had switched with substitutes from the party. They’d tired of the game and searched for more interesting conversation than her distracted mind could muster.

Ben appeared to have not heard her question. As usual, he greeted the group with his warm, friendly smile and inquiries about the game, last night’s hockey score and their opinions of it, the heavy snowfall expected in the coming weekend, and her colleague Sharon’s baby.

Oh, Ben, she’s growing so fast. You two should really come over sometime! I’ve missed Jackie since I’ve been on mat leave, and it would be so nice to hang out with you both again.

Jackie smiled and nodded. It was agreement in principle, but noncommittal. She couldn’t seem to commit to much these days. Even decisions about what to bid on the game were giving her a headache. That would be great. Thanks for the game, guys, but we really have to go. She got up to leave, pulling back her shoulder-length blond hair and avoiding Ben’s brown eyes in case she didn’t find the agreement to leave that she so needed.

Okay, I guess it’s time! he joked, and continued to chat amiably with goodbyes, hearty handshakes, promises to call about a visit, and speculations about the next NHL game’s results. Jackie glanced behind her to check that he was following and led the way to say goodnight to Barb.

Nooo, Jacks! We’re just starting Name That Tune! You’re the best at the Eighties stuff! You’re on my team, Jacks!

Goodnight, Barb. Happy birthday. Thank you for having us. She could hear her voice sounding stuffy and too formal, like a butler at a ball game, but couldn’t stop it. She hugged her friend and whispered in her ear, Love you.

Barb’s little pout didn’t last long, as Shawn grabbed her from behind in a bear hug. BB! he shouted and gave her a twirl. Barb’s shriek was quick and bubbled over into laughter. Jackie hastily found their coats in the bedroom and led the way out the front door.

Moonlight brought an iridescent brightness to the snow-covered city, but Jackie saw only the darkness. Orion was guarding the eastern sky, and the Big Dipper was in the north, yet Jackie failed to notice. Jewel strings of Christmas lights vied for her attention, Ben hummed along with Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer on the radio, and Jackie was a million miles away. It didn’t seem to matter to him that she didn’t sing along. She stared out the passenger window as neighborhoods flew by, her vision blurred. A few minutes, that was all. It was the nearness that made her feel tense and distant. Once they were in the garage, Jackie felt she could breathe again.

Ben left to take the sitter home. Jackie busied herself, with sighs of frustration, tidying up the mess of the evening that Madison had failed to notice. Jackie wondered why her standard of cleanliness was never quite reached. All she really asked was for tidy toys and cleaned dishes. Was that too much to expect? Really?

When Ben returned, Jackie was trying to disengage herself from the astonishing grip of her eldest daughter’s persistent little hand. Giving up for the moment, she stood by the bed as Ben entered the upstairs hallway.

Daddy! The whisper came far too loudly from Katie’s darkened bedroom, where her tousled blond curls flew upward. At last, she let go of Jackie’s arm, and Jackie resisted the urge to flee. Just a few more minutes, or she’ll get upset and will never get to sleep. Katie’s bright eyes appeared wide awake, and her athletic little body sprang out from under the orange comforter.

Katie, you little monkey! What are you still doing awake at this hour?

"Oh, Daddy, we had popcorn and watched a movie called You Can Rock and I just couldn’t sleep because I want to play the guitar and sing, so I need to get into lessons, and you need to register me in lessons, Dad, because I can’t play yet, but I really think my singing would be good enough, don’t you?"

Honey, you need to sleep. It’s a school night. Jackie sat at her daughter’s feet on the bed. In the semidarkness, she saw the silhouette of her husband. She could not see features, details, or expressions. Really, that was all she’d allowed herself to see for a long time.

Mom, this is important stuff, and Janelle did something, oh, I have to tell you, she did something really bad, and . . . is Madison still here? Hers were piercing, indignant eyes, demanding justice for the babysitter and her sister.

No, Daddy took her home.

"Well, Madison never does anything about what Janelle does, and it drives me crazy. You know what she did? She was eating marshmallows, and not just one, Mom, she was eating lots, and then she took the bag and she went into the bathroom, because she didn’t want me to know that she had them, but I knew already, and then when I knocked on the door and told her to bring those back right now, she flushed them. She actually flushed them, Mom! She’s so bad! But they wouldn’t flush. They just floated there! It was so gross. And I was so mad, because I like marshmallows, and now they’re wasted. Madison just took a spoon and fished them out. She threw them in the garbage, and I’ll bet she put something on top of them so you wouldn’t see them, and she didn’t even tell you, did she?"

Oh, Katie, it’s okay. I’ll talk to Janelle in the morning about what’s okay to eat at night and what isn’t.

You should write it down. For the sitter. Next time. Don’t forget.

Yes. For sure.

Ben shifted his foot to get comfortable on the floor, as it was, apparently, sleepier than his daughter. He asked, What was new today? It was their nighttime thing. It always had been. First it was just theirs, and then they shared it with their children, making up answers when Katie was just a baby and then listening to her sweet little replies,