Swim

By Christy Elkins

Julie’s life is in constant conflict. She strives to be an example of strength for her children, but in order to truly do so, she must find a way to escape the bounds of her tumultuous marriage. A pending divorce has her teenage daughter rebelling against her and her young son frightened. Julie’s unstable circumstances quickly lead to troubling nightmares. She begins to unravel at the seams, becoming emotionally unstable and distraught. Her life hits a low when she is emitted to an institution for a year. Once released, Julie is eager to make things right again with her children, but is soon haunted by visions of a drowning woman. As Julie struggles to keep perspective, her world begins to crumble and she soon realizes the gaps in her memory are bitter truths to her own life. A mother’s love is undying, but is it enough?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Dec 15, 2014
• ISBN: 9781312733817

Book preview

Swim

Swim

Christy Elkins

Swim

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, or by any means, mechanical or electronic, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher.

Copyright © 2014 by Christy Elkins

Published in the United States by Christy Elkins

ISBN-13: 978-1-312-73381-7

This book is a work of fiction. Any references to real people, events, establishments, organizations, or locales are intended solely to provide a sense of authenticity and are used fictitiously.  All other characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real.

Cover Model: Emily Haag

Acknowledgements

Special thank you to my Mom for rescuing part of this story I’d once lost to an inept computer, Hollie Greenfield for being my sounding board, Angel Upton for being curious, and Christi Watson for making the journal that inspires the one described in the story. 

I would also like to extend a heartfelt thank you to the extremely talented, author, Maria Hammarblad, for taking the time to read and help me with the initial editing of this story.  I would have never had the courage to submit it without your assistance and encouragement.

Dedication

I wish to dedicate this story to my children and husband.  I hope to show you today and always how much you mean to me.

Prologue:

I hate you!  I wish you would just get out of my life!  She slammed the door, and I rarely heard from her after that. 

I loved my daughter beyond words, but she never saw the entire picture.  She only believed what she wanted to, or what he told her.

I’ve tried so hard to make up for everything I’ve done wrong, but it’s just never enough.  I made stupid mistakes out of misery and desperation; I guess I will pay for it, for the rest of my life.

Hanna was my dream come true.  I never saw more purpose to life than when I first held her in my arms. Other girls dreamed of being teachers or models, but when I was a child, I only wanted one thing, to be a good mother.

I guess my childhood was less than desirable, so the need to have and give love was overwhelming.  I often contemplated the type of mother I would be, the type of cookies I would bake, the school functions I would attend, and the hard lessons we would work through together. 

I knew there was a better life out there, somewhere. There had to be something more than what I had.  I was determined to have an All-American Family like I saw on television.  How naïve children can be…

Chapter One:  Home

I have heard it said, Home is where your story begins, but what if you’ve never really had a home?

I imagine home as a place where you feel extreme and unconditional acceptance, love, and comfort.  What if your entire life you’ve felt like a shiftless wanderer; drifting from port to harbor in search of your next stay?  Always a visit ultimately short lived.

I do believe there are some of us who may never find a true home, at least not until we die.  I am okay with that; it makes death less frightening.  I do worry about the souls who find it hard to let go; becoming displaced in death, from lack of understanding that something better awaits them.

~

Jewels…Julie, are you in there?  Dr. Nancy’s voice interrupted my thoughts. 

I had drifted again.  Escaping to a distant place beyond the window, beyond my disturbing reality, and farther than I could ever reach.  I sat still for a moment, dazed, wondering just how long I had been gone this time.  The fear of my distractions keeping me locked up even longer settled with enormity. 

Huh?  Yes, I am still here.  Sorry.  I must’ve looked every bit as weary as I felt, because the doctor looked unconvinced.

Her raised brow verified my concern. Where’d you go? 

I could only turn my attention to her briefly; there was too much to be seen in her expression.  Abruptly, I looked away and sadly watched my fingers trace the scars on my wrists. 

I still couldn’t remember how they’d gotten there.  Of course, it was obvious how, but I still couldn’t focus on the details; not enough to recall the events leading to their appearance. 

They were so prominent; not at all the soft, smooth, inconspicuous, white lines one would hope for in my predicament.  No, these were rough, and a bright pink, which heavily contrasted my pale skin.   Protruding, harsh reminders of how weak one can become; a souvenir of a time I was glad to have forgotten.

Hoping to cover for yet another, apparent lapse I finally managed to form a somewhat coherent thought. It’s just, such a beautiful day.

Yes, yes it is.  Maybe we should go out for a session sometime.  More therapy was not the answer I’d hoped for.  I was ready to be free of this cage and try again.  I eased back in my chair with agonizing disappointment. My children were not getting any younger; they must’ve felt abandoned by now.

Julie, Dr. Nancy’s speech broke into a heavy sigh. Tossing her note pad on the desk, she reclined in her chair, narrowing her eyes.  She was deciding something; I recognized the concentration in her stare, and the obsessive way she chewed at her pen.

The anticipation of her thoughts needlessly sent a swarm of butterflies through me.  I’d never had reason for concern with her before.  I knew whatever idea lay behind her gaze, it would never be as cruel as Dr. Hurst. 

Hurst had been my primary physician when I was first admitted, giving me three rounds of electroshock therapy after meeting with me once.  After hearing of his extreme techniques, Dr. Nancy insisted on being the sole provider in my case. 

Sitting up straight, she let out another heavy sigh. Easing her chair up to the desk, she clasped her hands in front of her, and leaned in, insuring eye contact.  Then lending a reassuring smile, she said something I had waited an entire year to hear. 

I think you have shown remarkable courage and improvement. A swell of sudden excitement burst within my chest.  Perhaps, it’s time we start planning your return home.

The enthusiasm fell, just as quickly as it emanated; sinking hard in my stomach.  She saw the change of expression and probed for reasoning. Julie, did you hear what I said?

Yes, you said ‘home’.  Tears stung my eyes, threatening to spill over in a dramatic display.  I couldn’t bear the look of discouragement, which would surely be on her face, so I lowered my head in defeat.

Without looking, I could see her gentle expression through the softness of her tone.  Well, aren’t you excited at the prospect of leaving?

Of course, I admitted.  I’m just not sure where home is right now. 

She let out another breathy sigh, but there was no hint of condescension, instead it sounded much like relief. 

Those are just details, Julie.  We will work that out before your release.  Right now, you need to focus on the positive.  You are getting your life back; one small step at a time.  You are going to be able to embrace things in a new light and start fresh.  So many people wish for an opportunity like this, but very few ever truly get the chance. 

I smiled weakly at her promising words; she certainly must have been a cheerleader at one time.  Having the pure, optimistic quality that could encourage a small fly to soar high above the garbage it pilfered. 

She was about 5’2", with subtle, brown hair and large, green eyes. Her voice was gentle and soft, and she had a tremendously kind smile, which was truly unique. She never seemed to be in judgment of anything, just always in search of a means to help.

You’re right, I said taking in a deep breath which released more shakily than intended.  Ignoring my façade, she began laying out the ground rules for my dismissal.

Now, I will still expect you to keep you’re appointments, and I encourage you to keep a journal. 

That sounds great, I said, nodding my head in agreement.

Okay, well that settles it.  We will schedule your release for two weeks from today; giving ample time to find a suitable apartment and begin a job search.

Thank you Dr. Nancy, I really appreciate it.  I stood and began adjusting the waistband of my skirt.  I had lost quite a bit of weight while in the hospital; something I really couldn’t afford easily. 

I am tall by the standards of most women, around 5’9" and I was probably down to 108 pounds.  My normal weight was 145, and at that I am athletic and fit.  Now I looked as frail as I felt on the inside.

Will there be anything else? I asked with hesitation.

Just one more thing. She turned around, rifled through a bag sitting behind her chair, and pulled out a plainly wrapped package with a light pink string loosely tied around it. 

Here, just a lil’ going away present. Her sparkling eyes reminded me of champagne bubbles.

My expression pleaded a protest; I didn’t feel worthy of a gift.  However, I accepted the package, understanding my opposition would be useless. I slowly peeled back the paper, as if its secret content were something to fear.

Inside was a beautiful brown journal adorned with ribbons, sentimental decorations and meaningful scripture. Elegant writing filled a few of the pages with words of encouragement.

It’s lovely, I gasped as tears flooded my eyes. Thank you so much!

It’s just to get you started.  I insist you complete it with thoughts, dreams, and anything that moves you. Standing up she gave me a much needed hug.  You are going to be just fine Jewels.

Chapter Two:  Moving Day

Pulling in front of a small beachfront apartment, I exhaled with relief.  I was intimidated by extravagance, so this simple abode would suite me just fine.  It was quaint, resembling a 60s style motel, rather than a tenement.

I grabbed a small box of belongings from the back seat and a suitcase from the trunk.  I didn’t have much; most of my things were left behind when I was hospitalized.  I had no intention of asking my soon to be ex-husband, Kyle, for them now.

Dr. Nancy picked up a potted plant