Closing the Distance

By Elsie Snave

Kayson:

Have you ever seen the world through a pin hole? The further your eye gets from that pin hole the less you can see. The closer your eye is the more your surroundings become clear. That’s what I feel like right now. As soon as the news hit my ears I felt like I was looking at a distance through a pin hole. I could make nothing out, not shapes or colors. I got the illusion that I was at the bottom of a very deep well looking up into the sky.
I feel alone, scared and I feel panic. I’ve never felt those things before in succession and considering I’ve been in a war that I felt scared in speaks volumes. I hear screaming piercing my ears and I snap back to reality when I feel someone shaking me. It’s me...me who is screaming, screaming Ari’s name, me who lost their life the second she stepped onto that plane. And me who will never be the same again because my heart went with her

Arianna:

I’m free falling, from where I have no idea but I can feel the panic in my chest. I can feel the air being ripped out of my lungs as if it were never meant to be there. I’m not sure what’s happening but I know I feel alone. I’ve never felt this alone and that’s saying a lot considering my history. I could hear myself screaming but I got the feeling I was never heard. Typical; story of my life. What was the point in screaming, crying and showing emotion at all when no one bothered to hear you or even see you?
Who knew that in a split second life could change so drastically. One second you can be here and the within the blink of an eye be taken away from this place called life with so much unfinished business to handle. Destiny is written before we’re born and we have no way of knowing why we’re chosen to live or chosen to die in that split second. Who knew I would find out the meaning of life through death. Who knew I would find me.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Elsie Snave
• Release date: May 21, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301844722

Elsie Snave

Hello I'm a 30 year old mother of three. I've always enjoyed writing poetry and have recently discovered a joy in writing stories. It's more than just my hobby at this point it's my passion. Stories and plot twists are always floating in my head. I hope that you all enjoy reading my books as much as I've taken pleasure in writing them. If you have please feel free to leave a review to let me know what you think :)

Book preview

Chapter One

Party Karma

Arianna:

I can’t believe Kayson set up this graduation party for me. I also can’t believe the risk he’s taking to allow me and my friends to drink. I wonder how he’s able to hide this from the cops. I mean it’s not like this is a state park or anything but it sure isn’t our little secret. People come here to have fun with their families all the time; Kayson’s family being one of them. I shrug it off because I just can’t seem to care right now. Maybe that’s because I’m three beers down and still going.

Dance with me I slurred to Kayson. I’ve learned that I’m a lightweight when it comes to drinking but I can’t help it. This is my first time so I think I deserve that right. I’d be the best lightweight drinker there ever was. Great I’m mentally giving myself a fake trophy. As if being drunk was any reason to celebrate. I’ve got a feeling that I won’t be so happy about the celebrating that I’m doing now in the morning. I shrug my shoulders with a smile. Ah who cares?

Careful pretty girl he said as I almost fell. Are you sure you can even stand long enough to dance he questioned with a laugh. Ha, am I sure I can dance. Hell yeah I dance I think to myself as I wiggle my hips. Yep, I’ve still got it.

I rolled my eyes knowing it was too dark for him to see me. Not that it mattered because he found humor it the way I was acting anyway. Yes I can dance now come on soldier. I impatiently pulled him onto the mock dance floor and started dancing with him. I was a bit more sloppy than usual but nobody noticed. I don’t think that anyone noticed.

Before long Kayson disappeared and I was dancing with anyone I could get my hands on. I realized that I loved to dance and I don’t do it as often as I might like. I love drinking too; maybe I should do that more often too. It just makes me feel so free I think to myself as I mentally hold my hands out to the sides as if I’m flying. I don’t think when I’m drinking. Maybe that’s not such a good thing. It’s a known fact when people shut their brain off that things start to go wrong. So much wrong has already happened in my life, I didn’t need any more from any direction.

Let’s go baby. Let’s get you home someone whispered in my ear.

Huh, what I sluggishly asked. I tried to open my eyes but they were just too heavy.

I’m taking you home. I didn’t know where you were angel.

Where am I? Angel, you called me angel I giggled being easily distracted. I remember dancing but I don’t feel my legs moving. I can’t still be dancing.

You’re currently sleeping under a tree he laughed. If you were tired you should have just told me. Sleeping under a tree like a hobo, I attempt to stifle a giggle but I’m unsuccessful.

I didn’t know that I was tired I said attempting to stand. But I was spinning. Wait a minute, when did I get on the tilt-a-whirl? I squinted in an attempt to see clearly but the only thing that I could see was Kayson and then he was spinning around my head too. I quickly fell to the ground before Kayson could catch me.

Babe let me carry you. Before I could push him away he had me in his arms. I nuzzled into his chest. I didn’t have the strength to fight back anyway. Plus this is exactly where I wanted to be.

Mmmm, isn’t this how I got on this hill?

I could sense his smile. Yep, it’s only fitting that you get down the same way.

Before I could register anything I was being tucked into my bed. I grumbled something to him but I’ve got no clue what I said. I was probably thanking him for taking care of me. I hope that’s what I said because even in my drunken stupor he deserves the thanks.

I felt a kiss on my mouth and I kissed him back after his lips had already left mine. My reaction time was that of a blind person’s playing dodge ball. I love you Ari. I hope you had a good time tonight. Sweet dreams baby.

I didn’t have the strength to answer him back verbally. In my own mind I spoke back to him. I love you too Kayson. Thank you for distracting me from thinking about leaving you tomorrow. I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight. I felt him pull me towards him before I was down for the count.

I woke to the sound of a car door slamming. I sat up straight in my bed. The first thing I notice is that it’s bright out, and the light hurts my eyes. Damn it I have a killer head ache, I clutch at my head to stop it from pounding. I look around slowly and see Kayson sleeping next to me. I smile. Damn he is beautiful. I place my head on my bent elbow and just watch him sleep. His lips parted just enough to let his morning breath escape right into my face. Eww, gross.

I sit up to try and get out of the firing range of his breath. Shit it’s nine o’clock I say out loud to myself. Damn it my plane takes off in an hour and a half and it takes forty five minutes to get to the airport. Shit!

I immediately get up and dressed realizing I have no time to shower. Great! My parents are going to love that. I’m dressed and ready in five minutes. Woot woot, record time. Deciding I have a little time to spare, very little, I decide to write Kayson a quick letter. I know I could wake him but he’s sleeping like the dead right now. He deserves to sleep. Though I may pay for this decision when I get home I’ll suffer the consequences. I’ll just tell him that I thought that I was doing him a service. He’ll find the humor in that.

Putting the letter on my pillow and after a quick kiss goodbye which he doesn’t even notice I rush out of the bedroom. Thanks for waking me up I say sarcastically to my friends all sitting at the dining room table.

They all look around at one another and it was Cruz who decided to speak for the group. It wasn’t my turn to babysit you.

I scoffed whatever, I’m late. I’ll see you after Cali I said rushing out of the house.

Have fun Stella and Whitney said in unison which caused them to laugh together.

I drove like a bat out of hell to get to the airport. Naturally everyone was driving below the speed limit. It always seems to happen this way when I’m in a rush. I guess that’s life’s way of telling me to slow down. Problem was I didn’t give myself time to slow down. Damn Kayson and my graduation party. I smile remembering it; it’s hard to be mad when it was just so darn fun.

There’s a green sedan in front of me going incredibly slow. Like twenty miles below the speed limit slow. I honk the horn and yell get off the road grandma. She didn’t hear me. Get a hearing aid too I mutter. I slam my fist hard against the steering wheel. I hate people who get road rage and break the law but I have no choice. Damn drinking! Knowing it’s a double line for miles and no passing zone I take a deep breath and veer to the left of the sedan. I step on the gas launching Kayson’s truck past the grandpa.

I laughed knowing everyone blames a female for bad driving. Apparently that’s not always true. I can’t believe I was guilty of it. I safely get back over into the correct lane and cheer internally when suddenly I hear sirens. I took ahead of me and don’t see them. I look into my rear view mirror to see a police cruiser motioning for me to pull over. Great!

I pull over to the side of the road and wait. I glance in my rear view mirror and notice the policeman typing something. This is just what I need. Apparently I’m not supposed to be at the airport on time. Maybe this is a sign that I’m not supposed to go to college in California.

There was a rap on my window making me jump. I rolled down my window and smiled warmly. License and registration please he demanded without a smile. Okay, bad cop it is. I root through my purse and glove box finding all that I need. He took them looking straight at me. Do you know why I pulled you over ma’am.

What kind of question is that? Of course I know why you pulled me over stupid but I’m not an idiot. I won’t be admitting anything to you. No sir I said innocently. Ha-ha sucker.

He sighed. I assume that he gets tired of people acting stupid and lying to him. I immediately feel guilty for being one of those people. I pulled you over because you passed on a double line and you were also going twenty over the speed limit.

I was? This was a genuine question. I hadn’t realized how fast I was going. I guess that I was just too caught up with the old man driver.

Yes you were going sixty five in a forty five.

I’m sorry. I’m late for a flight that takes off at ten thirty. I don’t normally drive like that. My parents are waiting for me on the flight. I slump back. I realized I was speaking fast. I’m sorry I said dejectedly.

He gave me a small sympathetic smile. Sit tight I’ll be right back.

He must understand that I’m in a rush because he was back at my window in a few minutes. I lessened your speed for the sake of points on your license but I can’t ignore you passing on a double line. They are there for your safety and not just a suggestion. I can’t stress to you enough how dangerous that is.

He finished his spiel, handed me my ticket and wished me a safe flight. I drove off feeling a bit more empty pocketed but I’ll take it. He was nice considering. He didn’t have to give me a break, maybe the law could work in my favor.

I arrived at the airport with ten minutes to spare. Thank goodness. My parents would kill me if I didn’t make it. I’ve never been on a plane before so I didn’t really know what I was supposed to be doing. I went through the baggage check, took off my shoes, and walked through the metal detectors surprisingly unscathed. Put my shoes back on, grabbed my bag and ran to my gate.

I’m here. I’m here I shouted, panting trying to catch my breath. I handed the lady my ticket.

I’m sorry but we’re no longer boarding for this flight.

What! No, my parents are on that flight. I have to get onto that plane. Please, you have to let me on there I begged.

I’m sorry but it’s already taxiing away from the terminal. There’s another flight taking off in thirty minutes if you go back to the check-in they can check to see if there are any more seats available. My parents were going to be so pissed. The most I could do was call them and leave a message on their cell phones and hope that they were still there when I landed in California.

I sighed. I guess that’s good enough. They are going to be so mad at me. I can’t help but feel a little defeated knowing that I’ve let them down.

As my luck would have it they had a seat available in the back of the plane and I was able to board the next flight out to California. I knew that no amount of groveling is going to make my parents understand why I missed the flight but I would still try. I hated that I missed the flight but not enough where I could regret my decision to have fun last night. I guess this is my party karma coming to bite me in the ass. I’ll take it.

We’re just about ready to take off and I can’t help but regret not trying to call Kayson before we took off. I’d have to tell him that I missed my flight when I landed. I wanted to be able to explain to him all that I’ve been through today before I speak to my parents. Bottom line is that I wanted to hear his voice; I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for not waking him up because I miss him. I hate how attached I am to him but in the same sense I wouldn’t change it for the world. For the first time I have someone that I love that I can depend on and that was the best feeling in the world.

Chapter Two

Grief

Kayson:

There are many emotions a person is supposed to feel in regards to the death of a loved one. Denial is a common emotion and often the first one we experience. Not believing is our minds way of coping with a traumatic loss. It’s also our hearts way of keeping the true hurt at bay. The next most common is anger. Angry at whatever took that person away. For me it was simpler to be angry at my mom for not fighting harder; to be mad at myself for not being a better son or to be angry at the plane that couldn’t do its job and keep Ari safe. Anger was an easy emotion to feel. I could live with being angry; it made me validate losing some of the most important people in my life. If I was angry I didn’t miss them so much. The next emotion is depression and sadness. This emotion can swallow you whole if you allow it and it’s easy. It’s easy to feel numb. When you think about death it’s common to immediately think sadness. That’s because death is sad. Whether young or old it is devastating to come to the realization that you’ll never see that person again. Death is permanent and it’s overwhelming. The last emotion and the hardest to achieve is acceptance. How is anyone supposed to accept the death of someone you love? That’s like admitting that it’s okay that that person is gone from this world forever. And that would never be possible nor would it every be ok.

I spent nearly six hours believing that Ari died on that plane. She was supposed to be on that flight. Never did I think that she missed it having to take the next available one.

I sat on that floor for hours crying about who I lost. I was drowning. I could feel my heart unsuccessfully gasping for air and it was one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt. I immediately thought of how much time I spent away from Ari; how much effort I put into pushing my heart away. I cried until my father picked me up off of the floor and took me to my room, to me and Ari’s room. Being in here was suffocating; just this morning Ari was asleep next to me breathing; her beautiful heart beating in rhythm with mine. Why would he think that I wanted to be in here? Ari’s memory was everywhere I looked. Her clothing scattered on the floor, her shoes tucked underneath our bed. I could still smell her in this room. God she can’t be dead. She just can’t be.

I looked at the letter she left me this morning and I lost it all over again. This would be the last thing that I would ever have from her. It was a beautiful letter; my last piece of heaven before she descended unto her own slice of what she’s provided me. I feel overwhelmed with sadness and I feel like my world has just died. Colors are gone, sounds barely a whisper to my ears. All I can hear is Ari’s voice. Dance with me. God I should have stayed on that dance floor with her until I collapsed; holding her against my body instead of watching her from the sidelines. I’d give anything to feel her body against mine again. Never will I feel her body against mine.

Do you need anything? Water, Food my dad asked me with a clear of his throat. I didn’t bother to answer him. He knew what it was like to lose the love of his life and he knew that hunger was the last thing on my mind. For as long as Ari could no longer eat I could no longer eat. For as long as Ari could no longer breathe my breaths were harder to come by. It’s a hard realization to ponder upon; losing your soul. How is one supposed to survive that?

I never questioned how my father was doing living without my mom. How he was able to get up daily without her. She was his best friend, his reason for living. Then again he had little pieces of her in her children that allowed her to live on. What did I have of Ari? Her letter? If I concentrated hard enough I could picture her writing it; I could picture her reading it to me but that would fade with time. Before long it would just be words on a piece of paper and then I would have no memory to speak of. Her clothing would be a thing of the past and just items that used to drape onto the body of the person I loved, that I will love forever. Her scent although lingers now would lose its luster with the passing of the years. It’s true that time is immeasurable when spent with the one you love but without them time was everything. All I had left was time; time is what would take her memory away from me and that thought was the most crippling thing of all.

Come on Kayson, Ari’s friends are still here. They need you too right now. You all need each other my dad said with sniffle. I looked up into his eyes. That’s when I realized that he’s been crying too. I was so drunk with my own despair that I hadn’t even realized that everyone else loved her too. That they were just as scared and hurt as I was. I shook my head and allowed my father to pull me off of the bed. I exited the room and caught the eyes of all of her friends. They were just as much a wreck as I was. I had never noticed it before.

Whitney came running to me and she sobbed into my arms. She didn’t say anything. Suddenly I was being engulfed by all of Ari’s friends. There we stood in the living room crying together mourning the most perfect person ever to enter our lives. No words were spoken yet our sobs singing the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard. Ari was loved and I prayed that she knew how much before she died. I couldn’t imagine her leaving this world feeling anything but that. She deserved it. She deserved to live but I couldn’t breathe for her this time. I couldn’t be the one to bring her back. As much as the thought breaks my heart I know that one day I’ll have to let her go. I’ll have to say goodbye to the one person who’s made me feel alive and happy. I’d have to break my heart and leave the one person who’s chased away all of the shadows in my life.

Somehow being with all of her friends made her memory shine brighter; after all they knew her better than anyone. She may not have had much with her parents but in this room she had everything. She had brothers; she had sisters; she had a father and she had a lover who would give his own life if meant she could breathe again. Tears came easy to me now. How was that possible when I no longer had a heart? Hearts break everyday but mine was shattered along with Ari’s body. How am I ever going to survive this? I can’t imagine the pain ebbing; I can’t imagine living in a world without her.

I heard my phone ringing but I didn’t want to answer it. It didn’t matter who was calling me. The only person that mattered was Ari and if it couldn’t be her than it wasn’t important. I felt everyone ease away from me but I didn’t understand why. Kayson Stella whispered to me.

What I cried wiping away the last of the tears.

I heard someone swallow from aside of me. Sawyer said isn’t that Ari’s ringtone?

Yes but it doesn’t matter Ari’s dead I exclaimed with more finality than I actually felt. Wait I said looking towards my phone. That’s Ari’s ringtone. Ari’s calling me! I pushed my way through the group of our friends and made my way to the phone. Sure enough Ari’s face was shining like a ray of hope on my screen.

Hello I sniffled into the phone.

I’m so sorry I didn’t wake you up this morning. I’ve had the morning from hell and I could have used a kiss. I miss you so much I wish you could have come with me Ari said breathing the first puff of air into my lungs in six hours.

Ari, is that you I asked still unbelieving. Maybe I was dreaming, maybe I wasn’t awake. I heard Whitney gasp aside of me and I looked to her and her hands were covering her mouth as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Yes it’s me silly. I said that I would call when I landed. I know that I’m a little late but I had to take a later flight because I missed the first one due to the party, thanks by the way she laughed and a wonderful speeding ticket she sang into the phone.

I felt the tears burn their way down my face. Baby I’m so glad that you’re ok I said through my tears. All of Ari’s friends screamed out in joy at the mention of my words.

Everyone’s still all the house she laughed. What’s with all of the screaming?

We’ve had the day from hell too Ari. You have no idea.

She giggled I’m sure you’ll fill me in later or when I get home. Right now I have to call my parents. They are probably so pissed off at me for missing the flight. Oh my god her parents. They were on that flight.

Your parents I questioned already knowing that I’m going to have to break the news to her and I don’t know how. All I know is that she shouldn’t be alone when she hears it.

OHMIGOD Whitney cried aside of me.

Ari can you do me a favor I asked.

Yeah what is it?

I’m going to put you up in the nearest hotel. I’m coming to be with you, can you wait for me?

You’re coming here to California?

Yes, I’m coming there. Just wait for my text and have a taxi take you to…

OHMIGOD she said in a rush. I winced knowing that the news is probably playing in the airport as we speak and that she just saw it.

Ari I said in a questioning tone.

My plane crashed she whispered. The plane I was supposed to be on; the plane my parents were on. Kayson? I could hear the disbelief in her voice. Of course she didn’t want to believe it, who would? I sure as hell didn’t want to.

Yes baby, I’m so sorry. For the past six hours we thought that you died on that flight. I’m so sorry.

She didn’t respond to my apologies. What could she possibly say? I don’t remember words being the first thing that came to mind when I thought that it was Ari so I don’t blame her. Ari are you there? She still said nothing and then the phone went dead.

I looked at the phone in disbelief. She was no longer attached to me through the other end and I’m sure she’s feeling a sense of panic. One in which she’s dealing with alone. Damn it, I should be there with her.

I ran out the door without a word to anyone, took my dad’s car and rushed to the airport. I tried calling her many times on the way but she didn’t respond. It went directly to voicemail. God why was she ignoring my calls; please let her be ok. I can’t lose her twice in one day. That would kill me.

I know rushing to the airport without so much as an extra pair of clothing wasn’t the most responsible thing to do but Ari needed me. She’s probably never felt so alone in her life. Though she won’t ever admit it, her parents meant the world to her. They didn’t deserve her love but they got waves of it every day. A child is programmed to love their parents unconditionally so it’s natural for her to be attached to them.

I didn’t know what I would find when I got off of the plane or how I would even find Ari if she wasn’t answering her phone but I know that I needed to try. She was my lifeline and if I could give that back to her than I would at least be there to try to provide it. I know what it’s like to lose a parent suddenly, it isn’t easy. But I know she’s going to feel a lot of guilt for why her parents died. They wouldn’t have been on the plane if it weren’t for her asking them to attend her college visit with her. I don’t know how to help her with her guilt, I lived with mine everyday and I struggled to get past it. How was I supposed to help her?

Chapter Three

Solitude

Arianna:

Once the news hit my ears I felt something break. I think it was my heart. I could no longer hear yet I could hear everything. Like gasps from other passengers who rode the same flight I did and announcements over the airport intercom suggesting not to panic. I could no longer speak but I was screaming on the inside of my own mind. I could no longer see because the only thing that clouded my vision was that of my mom and my dad. I could no longer feel because as soon as my last remaining relatives died my heart was protected by a wall. A wall I’ve built to protect my heart with anything regarding my parents. This included.

My parents were on that plane taking them to a location that they had no business being. Why did I invite them knowing I was going against everything that was normal for our relationship? I knew why. Because no matter how much they failed me as parents I wanted to give them the chance to succeed. No matter how I looked at the situation I was responsible for them being on the plane that took their lives.

The thought would have any normal child in tears. Devastation roiling through their body like a tsunami. I thought that I was a normal child. Normally I would be a mess of sobs and in unbelievable pain. Yet my eyes are dry of emotion. My heart is in my throat beating wildly but I feel numb. I guess that’s a side effect of that wall I built.

I feel my phone buzzing in my hand and every fiber of my being tells me not to answer it. So I don’t. All I do is walk. Walk away from the airport. It’s the only thing that I can manage at this point. I try not to think about what’s been taken from me do to my selfish act.

For any normal person college wasn’t a selfish choice. And in some ways my choice to go wasn’t either. But my underlying reason was my need for change. My parents ingrained in my head, through their example, that it was normal to move every couple of years. I guess college snuck up on me at the perfect time. Though the thought of leaving Kayson behind is crippling, but the thought of staying behind for Kayson had the same effect. I knew I needed him in my life but the notion of having him at a distance left my heart in knots.

When I first received Kayson’s dear Jane letter it was a hard pill to swallow but I understood the sacrifice he was making; especially now where I’m faced with the same choice. I too can’t imagine allowing Kayson to wait while I perused my dream; but dreams change and now he was a part of mine; my dream of a future. I know in the end I’d have to allow him to make his own choice because I wouldn’t be a hypocrite. I chastised Kayson for making the choice for me. The most I can do is make the best choice I can for myself and hope that no one gets hurt in the process.

I found myself sitting on a bench at the airport. I can’t remember how far I walked or even when I sat down. All I know is that I’m sitting outside and I can hear planes taking off and landing every once in a while. I wish I could allow my mind to drift to my parents but I’m finding that there are very little memories I have with them included. I remember wishing that they were there for me the first time I fell out of our neighbor’s tree. They never came running to see that I was ok. Never once did they blow on a cut or kiss away a boo boo. I learned shortly after my grandparents died that crying because of pain got me nowhere. What was the point in crying when there was no one to cry too? Of course PMS set in as a teenager and that threw a wrench in my hard as stone persona.

The more I thought about my parents the more swept away from myself I became. I am who I am because of me. My parents didn’t give me my strength or my heart and they sure as hell didn’t give me wisdom. The most I could say was that I had my mother’s eyes or genetically had my father’s laugh; which I couldn’t even tell you if that were true because I can’t remember the last time I heard my parents laugh. We’re they even happy? I’ve always seen a little piece of my parents in myself as much as they probably would never admit it. My mother was a beautiful woman and I’d say I most looked like her but I had my father’s smile. I hated that I was talking about them in the past tense but let’s not kid ourselves. Their lives are now past. I hope they’re happy with how they lived.

I can’t say that I am. I feel cheated somehow by my parents. They should have given me everything I needed not everything they think that I needed. I wasn’t their shadow like they so often treated me; I should have been their star. YOU SHOULD HAVE LOVED ME I yelled at the top of my lungs. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH I cried. I knew that I was alone but it was soothing to scream the words out loud. I’d wanted to say those things to them my whole life. I wish that I’d been brave enough to do that. I’d forever live with the regret of my silence.

I HATE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO LOVE YOU I screamed away some of the frustration I was feeling. It was the truth though I know nothing would stop me from the pain I knew that would come once I tore down my walls. The real truth is that I loved my parents with everything that I have. I would give everything up if they could just be in my life even if it meant to have them in the same facet as before. Just in the silent background of a very busy picture.

I never wanted to lose them forever but I guess in order to lose something it had to have once been found unto you. The reality was I never had an ounce of my parent’s attention my whole life. They were lost to me the second I was born. How sad of a life did they provide me? I always had the means to live, food, water and oxygen. But I lacked the means to grow; love, touch and feelings. Maybe that’s why I never felt myself until I met Kayson.

How is it possible to find yourself in someone you just met? I’ve heard soul mates finding each other and even imagined my parents being two of those people though I’ve never heard any background story to their love and I never would. That story died along with their bodies on that plane or maybe it died on their lips the second they lived it. My parents lived their lives in the here and now; never relishing in the moment for too long. It’s almost like they lived their life in fast forward. How sad of a life is that? I wonder if it’s all just a blur to them; like it is to me.

Maybe that’s why I clung so hard to Kayson and why I still do. Solo was always my journey, even before I can remember I was alone. Why would I want to spend another second of my life that way when I had someone who was willing to make me happy just by loving me? That’s another foreign concept; being loved. Somehow it’s always felt natural and I’ve always accepted it without fear or judgment. Feasting on it like a starved man, and in some ways I fear that I might smother the flame.

After all Kayson had an abundance of love growing up. If I could imagine his life, it was the complete opposite of mine. Parents that openly loved each other just to have it overflow to their children; parents who were willing to let their only son go follow his dream with the realization that this goodbye could be their last. How strong must their love for him have been to be able to do that? Undeniable and unwavering. I hope that he never questions how lucky he is in his life. His mother died, yes, but she died knowing her son loved her and Kayson knew his mother loved him. In spite of how secretive the disease that took her was she loved him enough to silently die without him. That was the strongest love of all. Uncompromised and silent.

She didn’t need to