Kiss Chronicles

By Virginia M. Sanders

When I turned 30 without getting my first kiss — yes, you read that right. Read over it again if you need to. Anyway, when I turned 30, I decided I had to take action and get a first kiss to be remembered. So I devised a method to get my first kiss in a way that would be guaranteed to make it meaningful: I would auction off my first kiss for charity.

In this quirky memoir, I share details from my life, exploring exactly how it was that I came to a kissless crossroads at age 30, and I tell all about the exciting and challenging experiences I faced as I developed the Kiss Chronicles project.

Note: This ebook is free, but the story invites readers to make an optional donation to a cancer-related charity. Full details inside.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Virginia M. Sanders
• Release date: Mar 27, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301789023

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Kiss Chronicles

By Virginia M. Sanders

Copyright 2013 Virginia M. Sanders

Smashwords Edition, License Notes:

All rights reserved. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author and may not be reproduced, copied, and distributed in printed or electronic form for commercial or non-commercial purposes. This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com. Thank you for your support.

Although the incidents in this book are written substantially as the author remembers them, the names of some people and entities have been changed to protect their privacy.

Cover and interior art by Saharu Fakhraie.

A Few Words of Thanks

This book wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the support of some wonderful people.

Thank you to the Pen to Paper writers group members for pushing me to rethink and improve. With special thanks to the Fearless Leader, the Fearful Leader, Toby, Lala, M Dash, Jim Me John, Andor, and Fake Dave for the emotional support, critiques, and encouragement you’ve given me.

Thank you, Hamster, for taking images straight out of my head and putting them on paper. You are so incredibly gifted, and I’m blessed that you shared your talents with me.

Thank you to Eric, Beth, and Liz for acting as my Alpha Team and for your support, and to Melanie for joining the team at the eleventh hour. Stand proud, team!

Last and greatest, thank you to all those who believed in me.

Disclaimer

Many pancakes were harmed in the making of this book. I regret nothing.

In loving memory of

Mark and Eric Sanders

Table of Contents

Introduction

1. What’s Wrong with Her?

Chronicle: Puppy Love, by Anonymous

2. First Things Second

3. I Used to Be Shorter

Chronicle: The Girl Next Door, by Stephan Michael Loy

4. Growing Up? Don’t You Mean Growing Geek?

5. The Opposite (of) Sex

Chronicle: Random Parking Lots, by Layla Rainbolt

6. The Near-Miss Kiss

Chronicle: Absolutely, I Promise, by David Fake

7. Origins

Chronicle: The Princess and the Pauper, by Brad Severance

8. A Great Start

Chronicle: First Kiss, by Jim Meeks-Johnson

9. Daddy’s Girl

Chronicle: An Icy Christmas, by Andy Hollandbeck

10. Hindsight’s a Bitch

Chronicle: Mix Tape, by Tom Farrell

11. Grasping at Straws

12. Will Write for Charity

Dear Reader

Connect with the Author & Contributors

Introduction

Once upon a time, in a world where magic was still possible and where adventurers sought their fortunes, a girl longed for her first kiss.

That could be the start of a children’s fairy tale. However, it’s also the start of a true story — this true story. I wanted my first kiss. With such a simple, ordinary beginning, the story that follows should also be simple and ordinary, shouldn’t it?

I’m not very good at simple and ordinary. Complicated like a Rube Goldberg mousetrap is more my style, whether I mean it to be or not.

In April of 2011, I turned thirty years old without experiencing my first kiss. Yes, you read that right. Reread it if you need to. I understand if you have a hard time believing it. I got all sorts of reactions when telling people about my little condition, from amazement to disbelief to outright laughter. It made me laugh, too, at least when it didn’t make me try to tear my hair out. I didn’t deliberately set out to not get my first kiss. I ended up kissless not by choice, but by mere accident — a no-good, lousy, pain-in-the-ass accident. I give the term late bloomer new meaning.

Like a master of origami who can take a simple square of paper and turn it into an intricate network of folded angles to create a dragon, I can take a minuscule problem in my life and turn it into a massive complication. Shortly after my thirtieth birthday, I decided that I absolutely had to get that kiss. Following that decision, I rejected all the easiest possible methods for getting a kiss for the simple reason that they didn’t suit me. I also take the term picky to a new level.

Then I came up with the Kiss Chronicles concept, which would get me my first kiss in a way that suited me, and the challenges began.

A Defining Moment in Life

Before I tell you more about the project, I need to make sure we’re on the same page about what a first kiss is. I’m not going to claim that no one has ever kissed me in my life. That’s ridiculous because anyone who was once a baby got kissed on a chubby cheek. As you have likely deduced, I was once a baby. But I’m sure you’ll agree with me that a kiss on a baby’s cheek doesn’t count as someone’s first kiss, so obviously some exceptions exist. None of the kisses I’ve gotten have been my first kiss. I’ve never gotten a kiss from a guy I was attracted to — or from one I wasn’t attracted to, for that matter.

Defining kissing is a necessary evil. You’ll have to pardon me if I get a little clinical here. I admit, I feel a bit like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas, working in his laboratory, trying to discern the meaning of Christmas by dissecting teddy bears, melting candy canes, and crushing ornaments. Like Christmas, a kiss should be understood by the heart, not the mind. Defining a kiss seems almost blasphemous. But, as I said, we need to be on the same page about what a kiss is. When I say a first kiss, I’m talking about something specific. To put that kiss into words, though, I have to classify the types of kisses that exist. As I see it, a kiss can fall into only four possible categories:

* Familial, platonic: I received and gave this type of kiss as I grew up. This category includes, for example, affectionate kisses from a parent to a child. It can be the kiss that your grandma gives you as you cringe away from her stale butterscotch breath. It’s the kiss that you don’t want to get from your mafia don brother if you’re in the movie Godfather II. It’s the kind of kiss that my very Italian uncle gave my stoic dad on each cheek, which always made me laugh.

* Familial, non-platonic: Eww. The word for kisses that fall into this category is incestuous. I haven’t had a kiss in this category, and I don’t plan to. Think of the kiss between Luke and Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. Okay, sure, they didn’t know their blood relation at the time of the kiss, but the scene does cause some movie watchers to cringe retroactively.

* Non-familial, platonic: I’ve had kisses in this category. This is the kind of kiss that you give or receive, for instance, when your friend’s three-year-old child wants to demonstrate fishy kisses to you. It’s the kind of kiss you give on your cat or dog’s forehead. You give this type of kiss to demonstrate purely platonic affection because you couldn’t possibly be attracted to the one you’re kissing.

Some people might argue that hello and goodbye kisses between friends are non-familial, platonic. I disagree. I don’t include those kisses in this category because a possibility exists for attraction. If one party could be sexually attracted to the other, the kiss falls in the next category.

* Non-familial, non-platonic: I have not given, received, or shared a non-familial, non-platonic kiss. This category covers a kiss between little Susie and Bobby on the playground when they were just six years old. It’s a kiss that two teenagers share as they lean over an empty bottle that just stopped spinning. It’s a kiss between two thespians on a stage. It’s a kiss between newlyweds. I make no gender distinctions here: If Person A mashes lips with Person B, and Person B is of the same gender, that counts as a non-familial, non-platonic kiss.

This is it. This is where the kissing hype is. Think of Rhett Butler kissing Scarlett O’Hara. (Fun fact: Vivien Leigh hated kissing Clark Gable because he had bad breath due to his dentures.) Or picture the iconic moment of the sailor kissing the nurse in Life magazine on V-J Day. Surely you remember Lady and the Tramp bumping noses while slurping noodles. It’s Romeo and Juliet making out the first time they meet. Maybe you saw news articles about the Vancouver riot couple sharing a quick kiss of comfort. Of course, there’s also the kiss to end all kisses at the finale of The Princess Bride. This is kissing! Just thinking about all those great moments in kissing makes my little heart flutter, and those are just a minuscule sampling of thousands of great kisses. Of course I decided I needed to get a kiss. Who wouldn’t?

What Would You Do for a Kiss?

Have you ever heard the song Kiss That Frog? So what’s one little kiss, One tiny little touch. Peter Gabriel knows what he’s singing about. A kiss is a small thing, just a brushing of lips. But if you think about and wish for a small thing for a very long time, it eventually stops seeming quite so small and insignificant.

I asked a few unsuspecting women what they would do if they reached thirty without having a first kiss. Their stupefied expressions gratified me in a twisted sort of way. They looked as stumped as I felt. The replies I received were I don’t know and Is that even possible? and I’d find some random guy and kiss him.

The phrase I don’t know what to do had echoed in my head for years. The option of going out to a bar and finding a random stranger to kiss — yes, that rolled through my mind as well. I tried telling myself to just take that easy road and get it done. I attempted to gear myself up for it by telling myself to put on my battle armor and get smooched, but I just couldn’t. Here’s why:

* Thinking about the just get it done approach made me feel as though I had to plug my nose, close my eyes, and choke down some sort of disgusting food, like okra. I do not want an okra first kiss. I don’t even want an okra second kiss. Just keep the okra away from me!

* The idea didn’t fit with who I am and how I see myself. Every time I tried the idea on for size, it felt like an awkward moment in a department store dressing room. The size and style didn’t do anything for me.

* It seemed wasteful. Surely I could do better. Couldn’t I? Actually, I had doubts about whether I could do better. After thirty years, my progress showed little promise.

I ruled out the just get it done idea, but I still wanted that kiss. So I began conjuring up myriad possibilities for acquiring a kiss that wouldn’t leave an okra aftertaste. I had a stray thought one day: Well, stranger things have shown up on eBay, so why not a first kiss? Then a second, more powerful stray thought followed the first:

I could auction off my first kiss for charity.

That’s how the idea for Kiss Chronicles was born. I fell madly, passionately in love with it.

Finally! Here’s where I tell you all about the big project! Or not. You’ll have to pardon me, but that comes later in the story. I could start there, perhaps, but I think you’ll be able to appreciate the description more fully after I describe some of the life experiences that lead to the project. Of course, that’s just a hoity-toity way of saying that I’d like you to get to know me before you get to know the project.

Alternatively, think of it this way: I could dive right into the project. I could keep it simple and succinct. That would be like serving you a main dish and then telling you to get out and go home. However, I’ve opted for writing a four-course meal. Dessert is included, and there’s no need to rush. In the end, you and I will both be more satisfied.

So that’s why I’m not digging straight into the project details first thing. I can tell you this now, though: Kiss Chronicles has run me through a full spectrum of emotion, from uncontrollable laughter to hysterical tears, from jubilation to borderline depression, but it has never been boring. This book describes the journey I took and all that I learned from it. A meal like this one will stick to your ribs.

The Importance of a Kiss

For the purposes of this book, the fact that I haven’t had my first kiss is very important. However, that’s not the most important thing about who I am. For instance, I’m not going to tell you about the years I spent studying Taekwondo, or the time in college that I gave a persuasive speech about the Loch Ness monster, or the terrible poetry and novel I wrote during high school — they’re a part of me, but they have no lip-locking relevance. However, I’ll tell you other stories from my life that play some role in why I haven’t had my first kiss, such as surviving the hell that was grade school, how I got together with my first boyfriend, the months I spent in Ireland during college, and why I consider online dating the modern equivalent of being stretched on a rack. I also tell you about the Kiss Chronicles project, how it began and what it became, and all the events that led to this book.

As an added bonus, scattered throughout this book are short stories about kissing and kisses by a few very talented writers. Consider it a sampler platter of kiss stories, a sort of kissing buffet, if you will. I’ve placed a kiss mark like this

at the top of each story. (If you can’t see the kiss mark, that means your chosen ebook format hates kisses.) Some of the short stories are fictional, and some are non-fiction. I couldn’t get the writers to give me an honest answer about whether or not they were true, so you’ll just have to read and guess which is which.

I fully expect to get some flak for putting a high value on my first kiss. Some people inevitably will come along and try to object to the idea of giving a first kiss this much meaning or importance. Some might claim that I’m silly or unliberated, and likely nothing I can say will change their minds. They’re free to judge me. To be honest, I’ll probably return the favor and call them chicken lips! behind their backs.

Besides, culture insists that kissing is important, so I didn’t start that fire. Kissing is an omnipresent force in society. You can’t escape it. Really, think about it. Start by taking a look at music. I could spend pages listing song titles that include the word kiss. You can listen to Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer, Last Kiss by Wayne Cochran (et al.), This Kiss by Faith Hill, Sweet Sweet Kisses by Duke Special, and many more. And those are just a few songs with kissing in the titles — I’d need an entire book to list kissing lyrics.

I could start discussing the significance of kissing in fairy tales and the impression it leaves on children, but if I start, I might never stop. Maybe I’ll write a dissertation on it some day.

There’s also kissing on film. Lots of kissing on film, for both television and movies. Movie titles that include the word kiss, kissing, or kissed number in the hundreds. I already mentioned some memorable film kisses, but how about a few more? Perhaps you remember the kiss scene from E.T., right after Elliot set the lab frogs loose? The Friends audience waited with baited breath for Ross and Rachel’s first kiss. The Big Bang Theory made a big deal about Sheldon getting kissed. And there’s Casablanca, From Here to Eternity, Spider-Man, Brokeback Mountain, Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Shrek . . . the smooches just keep coming. By the way, if you want to watch the ultimate movie about kissing, which often goes unmentioned, you should see Cinema Paradiso.

As members of the audience, these kisses stay with us because we feel the thrill of the chase when the protagonist wins the heart of the desired guy or gal and is rewarded with a kiss. (10 Things I Hate About You comes to mind.) Or we experience the tension of the characters onscreen as their lips draw ever closer as though pulled together. (I can’t pick just one, so fill in your favorite.) And we celebrate victories with characters as they claim kisses after surviving harsh battles. (I think of Return of the King for this one.) For some movies, a kiss even acts as the climax of the story. (Need I mention Sleeping Beauty?)

The climactic moment of a kiss isn’t reserved for fictional stories, though. Consider this: What do newly married couples do as soon as they finish tying the knot? If you answer with anything other than they kiss, you’ve missed the boat and might as well stop reading now.

I haven’t even mentioned books. Or kissing games. Or advertisements. Gum, breath mint, and lipstick advertisers would weep if they couldn’t use kissing in their promotions.

In short, kissing is an important hallmark in our culture. Anyone who tries disputing that fact deserves to lose the argument and have Sourpuss stamped on his or her forehead. I doubt you’re a sourpuss, though. In fact, I’m hoping you’re ready to grab a bag of Hershey’s Kisses, fix yourself an Italian Smooch mocktail, and keep reading.

Everyone has a true story to tell about a kiss, whether it’s about an awful kiss, an almost kiss, a sad kiss, an onion-breath kiss, or a beautiful kiss. I can’t promise you that mine’s more entertaining than John’s or Sally’s or Balthazar’s or even yours. What I can promise is that the story you’re about to read is true, that it’s mine, and that it proves how much more important the journey is than the destination.

Chapter 1

What’s Wrong with Her?

This girl who set out on a quest for her first kiss was not a princess. She didn’t have a fairy godmother. She wasn’t even cursed by a cruel witch, a heartless wizard, or any other diabolical character.

She was just an ordinary girl.

Some kind friends of mine helped with spreading the word about Kiss Chronicles. My lifelong dream of having minions has been fulfilled. However, as these friends explained the situation to people (that I’m over thirty and without a first kiss), one of the inevitable reactions was What’s wrong with her?

It’s a fair question.

Right away, let me eliminate a few of what would seem to be obvious explanations:

* Is it my looks? Some people might jump to the conclusion that I must be hideously disfigured. Perhaps I don’t have any lips! Perhaps I’m the Elephant Man’s second cousin twice removed, and I look just like him.

If you were having fun imagining my disfigurements, I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m normal-looking. I’m just a little taller than average, I’m a proper weight for my height, and I’m a green-eyed brunette. I’m not malformed. I don’t even have any particularly big scars.

Want to know something funny? From my observations, appearance has jack to do with getting kissed. It also has jack to do with falling in love, though plenty to do with initial attraction and falling in lust. People of all types of appearances are out there living their lives and sharing kisses. And that’s kind of a comforting thought.

* Am I mentally challenged? Before you assume that I’m being un-PC, let me say that just as with appearance, mental challenges also have nothing to do with getting kissed. I’m just brushing aside potential assumptions.

I have not, as of yet, been diagnosed as being mental challenged. That might only be because I’m too damn fast for the doctors to catch.

* Do I live in