Sky Song

By Jan Hawkins

A paranormal love story from a world that is ours, yet one which lives in the shelter of an ancient Lore. Sky Song is the second book in The Dreaming Series where each book is a story in its own right.
Within reach of the Dreamtime and hidden from our eyes. Meet the mystical creatures of the Dreaming as they step through our lives unrecognized.
Sean, a young Shaman of the forest who lives in the shadow of his elder brother, fights for the woman he loves in a world which no longer recognizes some of the greatest threats to human kind. Step with him as he draws you through the Dreaming and into his world.
Readers will delight in being able to follow the lives of the characters such as Sean, the younger brother of Taipan who we meet in the first book. Also a Shaman of his Community, Sean must find his way out from living in the shadow of his brother, and learn to deal with his love for Jenna who is discovering her own way in a world outside of the Community where they grew up and yet still deal with the binds of her unique culture.
This story explores the characters' lives, their loves and the balance of the world in which we all live. It is a blending of modern culture with the ancient spiritual culture of our indigenous Australians. Learn of the Spirit Creatures of the Dreamtime and about the men and women who are so much part of The Dreaming.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jan Hawkins
• Release date: Nov 22, 2012
• ISBN: 9780987289667

Jan Hawkins

Australian Author, Jan Hawkins, was raised in the Australian bush on the outskirts of Sydney on the Georges River. Now residing in Queensland, she spent 20 years in education at secondary level in the IT field. Her love of computers pales in comparison to her love of the Australian bush and Jan now has quite a portfolio of photographs. She is passionate about the history of her country and a strong desire to discover and experience new places fuels her desire to travel extensively throughout the land. Along the way she relishes being able to listen to people and to share and enjoy the adventure she calls life.

Book preview

Prologue

Jenna

I always thought that my life was a normal experience as we all do. It was only when I moved out into the world that I discovered that normal is really only what you commonly experience. It has nothing to do with the experiences of others.

I love the wilderness of the rainforest as equally as the wild open spaces and my Country offers me the freedoms to move into any of these worlds that I may choose, and many others. Our country is the experience of our world, the place that nurtures us. She is our Mother and we belong to her; it is not that she belongs to us.

We fool ourselves that we purchase her in little pieces defined on paper and we call these deeds. Actually she buys us by little measures known as experiences that bind us to her side and they are experiences that are more real and more valuable than deeds.

You don’t realize how much your Mother owns you until you move away from her but the truth is she never leaves you. She is your Mother. If you are fortunate as a woman, you too will become a Mother and then it is that you truly begin to understand just how much your Country and your World owns you. How much you are part of your own world and how much your country is part of you. This is what makes me who I am. This is what I will teach the children.

I am a storyteller and my greatest gift is my ability to show you your world and the worlds that others experience perhaps. If you will allow me to tell you my story then perhaps you will learn more of my world; our world, and in time this will enrich your experience. For it is the Story Tellers who nurture the Dreamers in this our world.

Stories, whether true or fiction are best told where you can dream, where you can imagine you are part of the world which the teller creates for you; where you can join with the flicker of reality, or fantasy woven within the tale. Like the dance of the flame in the mystery that is fire burning within the cloak of darkness; let this consume you for just a moment and allow I to become part of who you are.

Around the campfire is truly the best place for this because within the campfire, the flicker of the flame owns you… you do not own it. Like a child who is certain that they own their Mother, a person who was created only for them, you should allow the flame of fire to consume you. Take a moment, imagine yourself here and join me as I tell you my story.

The Reckoning

Jenna:

The mid-morning sun danced about in a dappled display glancing over the children in the water in shards of warmth and I could feel it brush across the wet fabric still clinging to my back. This was something I had always enjoyed after swimming; the slow drying fabric of my blouse against my skin was a delicious sensation. The day was going to be a beautiful one. Yet still I often thought of the damp heat I remembered from my childhood even after nearly four years. It was a heat that would have coaxed me back into the swimming hole again by now, if I had even bothered to get out.

The Community, the family moved around me. Their presence was always a part of my day and it really was the one thing I loved most, I thought to myself as I sat watching the young children play by the water’s edge and in the gentle pull of the stream.

Living in the women’s house had its advantages. You were in the hub of the Community constantly, but now more often than not I longed for the peace of a place I could call truly mine, a place that could truly be my home. My thoughts went to the house in the small quiet glen where Taipan and Sean lived and which would be my home one-day. I realized I was growing restless and Granny I knew saw this in me even if Taipan, my husband who I waited for, didn’t recognize it yet.

When I thought of my husband, the man promised me by the Elders I felt the familiar shiver of anticipation along the edge of my nerves, or was it fear? He had been very distant these last weeks and that concerned me, as it concerned many of the women in the Community. When the Karadji of the mob became distracted, everyone felt concerned. Taipan was well liked and we had all wondered over the recent darkness in his mood.

Looking over at Aine now floating at the far edge of the swimming hole, the rainforest all around us and the blue sky of summer overhead, I felt I understood more his uncharacteristic mood. He was drawn to her, so different from the women he would have known. She was almost the opposite of any woman the Elders would have chosen for him. She was opposite in most every way to me. Where my hair was dark and strong, hers was blonde, light, with a slight curl and her skin was fair, the colour of cream, while mine was the deep honey brown of my people. We were of a height, though she was at least four years my senior and as fine boned as I so in some ways we were alike. Aine was a gentle soul too and I couldn’t help but be drawn to her clear fearless eyes.

I understood that Taipan could so easily be attracted to her and I wondered what he would do when he realized she was here. The thought made me smile and I was sure Granny had something to do with that arrangement. Everyone hoped she would lift his mood even I. It was a good thing that Sean had returned to the Community bringing Aine with him.

Taipan; when I thought of him I always felt the familiar sense of respect, edged with that shiver which was becoming more common in the mix of my feelings. It was almost a fear I knew; a fear of the unknown. It was a fear in anticipation that one day he would find me of age to take into his bed as his wife.

I knew this would happen one day when he chose and I was unsure about how I felt about it anymore. It was right; it was as it should be but a part of me had a growing fear when I bought it to mind. Granny had said this was natural and that it was in anticipation of the reality in becoming a woman. She reassured me that becoming Taipan’s woman was nothing to fear but still the thought of knowing Taipan in that way was unsettling.

Part of me wanted to be his partner and I knew what it would mean. He was a strong Karadji and well respected. A man to be admired and he was regarded by the women as the most eligible of the unattached men. I knew he had known women among the Community before, although in the past years since my arrival his liaisons had been less spoken of and he had chosen partners often from outside the Community. He had chosen Aine who was a friend of Sean’s from Uni’ and again I wondered what it was that had driven them apart only a month or two ago.

My place in Taipan’s life was secure. I had always known he was my husband and that I was his and nothing could threaten that arrangement. Not Aine, not any other woman or man. Whomever Taipan bought into our lives, his and mine, was done so with much consideration I knew. I trusted his judgment implicitly. It was not uncommon for a good man to have two wives and Taipan was an exceptional man.

Then for just a moment I thought of Sean and my thoughts scattered. I couldn’t allow myself these thoughts and it was wrong to think of him in these terms. Sean was to be my brother by marriage; Taipan’s brother, but now he was my friend. He had been my best friend almost from the day I arrived here four years ago, a child on the edge of womanhood.

My thoughts drifted back to when I first had met Taipan; I had been barely eight when I was told that he had arrived with the Elders from the south and I was taken to meet him by my Mothers and Aunts. In truth I had met him when I was a baby and he had been promised to me, though I had no recollection of that so I barely counted it. I remembered that he had frightened me when I first met him. He had been a man, tall and strong, though he would only have been two years older than I was now.

To me though he had seemed so much a grown man then. His reputation as a strong Shaman had been spoken of and had been chosen by the Elders to be trained as the Karadji of his Community. He was to be staying with the Elders and the Shaman for many months while he undertook this important initiation amongst the northern Mob, the people of the Bama. It was the business of men.

I had been chosen then for Taipan when I could barely walk; chosen to strengthen the ties between our people, a common thing in generations past though it was less so now and this was the business of women.

The Elders had noticed the young man Taipan; he had been marked as a leader and moulded in his ways by the Clever Men from the time of his initiation into the ranks of men, when he had been on the edge of manhood.

I remember most though that his eyes were kind and that he had set aside my childish fears that afternoon. After that I had thought of him often as being mine and I had enjoyed the sense of ownership this gave me. As I had grown and had become a woman this sense of owning him had subtly changed as the Elders taught me the responsibilities of women. I had once again been almost as frightened when he returned to take me south some years later. It had been time for me to leave my family and time to find my new place as his promised wife but first I would need to grow accustomed to his ways and to his family.

That had been the first time I had been alone with Taipan. I knew in his eyes I was still a child even though I was then twelve and was taking on the shape of a woman and to me he had been a man. A Karadji and I had heard stories of what he could do. I had been so very much afraid of him and each time I saw the hatch scars across his chest it reminded me he was a powerful Clever Man among men, a man respected among women.

Taipan had already finished studying in Sydney at University when he came to bring me south to the Community and everything about him frightened me. The stories I had heard of his strengths as a Karadji left me in awe of him and his power, as no one could say for sure if the stories were true. The knowledge that he knew the cities well was frightening enough. He understood the way of the land and people and thought little of moving in any society, or amongst any people. This was also daunting as I had little experience of these things. He commanded respect and no one but Sean and Granny and the Council of Elders would challenge him. But he was fair in his ways, sound in his judgments; he spoke with authority in his eyes. I had been proud to belong to someone like him.

We had taken a month to travel down from my home in Far North Queensland and in that month I had come to love Taipan in a way that even now I didn’t understand. It was a regard like I held for no other person, as I had never known anyone who was so sure of the things they did. I came to trust him implicitly in that time though. I knew he would always protect me and that he would always be there for me if I needed him. But lately, he frightened me and I didn’t understand why I would hesitate now to open my thoughts to him. I was no longer sure what he expected of me.

When I had first arrived into the Community I had been given into the care of Granny and Aunty June until Taipan was prepared to take me to his bed. I had seen very little of him in that first eighteen months as he had spent a great deal of time away but I hadn’t been lonely. Sean had become my friend as we were more of an age and he protected me in Taipan’s absence, as was his place as his brother.

He was in his final year at senior school and I was just beginning. I had made other friends too, the circle of girls in the Community had been friendly from the beginning but I was uninterested in their curiosity about boys and their romances, as it seemed so much part of a world with which I was uninvolved. The men in my life were Taipan and Sean.

Then as I thought of Sean I felt the warmth of the sun again. I hadn’t seen him for almost six months and I very much looked forward to catching up with him now. We had stayed in contact while he studied in Brisbane that was only four or five hours drive north. Texting each other mostly, though we had occasionally shared phone calls and I missed our long conversations that we had enjoyed on his visits home before he had decided to stay away for whatever reason.

He had spoken about his studies when he had rung, and of his friends including Aine and I had worried that their relationship was more than just friends. I knew now that I had worried unnecessarily and that this was not why he had stayed away for so long.

Taipan had met Aine when Sean had introduced them. I now hoped we would be friends as she was a part of Taipan’s life, or so Sean had said. Though I had guessed as others had, that they had argued and I knew it was Granny’s hope that Aine would once more bring peace to his life, even though Aine was not of our clan or our mob. Aine was taboo in our world although this was not something that the Elders wouldn’t be able to overcome. She too was his until she chose otherwise. I felt the bond of sisterhood with Aine although I knew she didn’t understand our ways.

Being part of the Community was in many ways isolating for me but I enjoyed the protections that this bought. My world was here and I knew little of the world outside the rainforest, though school had taught me heaps. Some of my friends spoke about the cities and to me it seemed like a place that I would not like very much. My only experience of the cities was when Taipan had taken Sean, Granny and I to Sydney to visit their mother Dianne who lived on the southern outskirts of Sydney. I remembered travelling through the city and it had taken hours to pass from the northern outskirts to the southern edge of the Sutherland Shire. It had been so confusing, so crowded and yet in many ways so much an adventure just to travel through the heart of the city in the car. I had only been thirteen at the time and the whole experience had been exciting and a little scary.

The only part of the trip I had really enjoyed had been the refuge that was their mother’s home on the banks of the Woronora River in the old Shackles Estate. It was a beautiful spot; very secluded and closed away from the madness that was Sydney. Thinking about the fun I had had with Sean’s younger brother Tom, who was almost my age and mad keen at fishing made me smile. The three of us had thoroughly enjoyed our stay on the river fishing and swimming. I much preferred the bush to the cities.

I felt again the overriding relief I had felt when Aine had earlier told me that she and Sean were not involved with each other and that it had never been that way despite my fears. I had been so afraid, so concerned that I had lost my best friend to her and I was afraid of losing his friendship and his regard if he found himself a serious partner. I wondered what I would do without his gentle smile and the warmth of his eyes washing over me.

I didn’t understand this possessiveness I was discovering that I had in regards to Sean. He was my closest friend and it hadn’t worried me as much when he had found himself girlfriends in the past. In a way, we had discovered his girlfriend’s together. When we were younger we had spoken of the wash-pool of emotions he had gone through each time. That had changed as he had grown up and I missed our easy banter. With Aine though it had been different, he had spoken of her only as a friend and I wondered if perhaps the difference was that she attracted Taipan and I feared she would also attract Sean’s eye.

Taipan had never spoken of these things with me and that was as it should be. He was ten years older than I, very much a man now and it sometimes annoyed me that he still treated me as a child when I had become a woman. Though the unattached men of the Community never bothered me, I was Taipan’s. He would claim me in time.

Granny had told me that things would soon change but with the arrival of Aine I doubted that it would change for me. Aine was so beautiful that I knew in my heart Taipan would mend what was wrong between them. Granny never acted without intent and her invite to Aine to come home to the Community with Sean, as a friend staying over the Christmas break, would have purpose. She was a wise woman, a wise Elder among women; she also had gifted sight and I wondered what it was she had seen.

The roar of the trucks began to fill the air and as with everyone, I searched in anticipation of the men’s return knowing it could only be them coming along the track with so many vehicles, we were all expecting them anytime now. When they rolled into their parking, I smiled as I watched the Community come to life around them. They had enjoyed a good hunt you could see by the two carcasses that hung from the rack on the back of one of the trucks and most likely rabbit as well. There would be plenty of bush food to eat tonight around the camp and the women had been preparing the stone, ground oven all morning. It was going to be a good evening, a corroboree time for the kids and for the men.

I watched as Sean climbed out of the cab of the cruiser, and as Taipan stepped out from the back. The men were home and the bustle of their return filled the air. Sean immediately, as with many of the younger men, headed straight for the swimming hole to wash away the night’s dust. My heart lightened to have them back and I stood in anticipation of greeting him for the first time in many months.

The young men stripped off their shirts and took to the chill of the water easily, scattering the children and drawing the attention of the young women. Amongst them Sean emerged early with water running through his hair and down over his skin. He smiled seeing me and after a moment he waded from the water hole and grabbed his gear as he made his way up towards me after so many months away.

He was a fine figure amongst the men and he had taken on a look of maturity in the past six months; I enjoyed watching him simply move as he strode towards me. Not quite as tall as Taipan he none the less stood tall amongst the men. He was a finer build but the width of his shoulders lacked nothing and the firm lines of his chest and belly were chiselled to his hips. I had never really noticed before, but he somehow now looked different. Something about him had changed and though I recognized the light brown curl of his now dripping hair, lighter than many in the Community it was the one thing of a mixed heritage which he carried. It somehow suited his features that were more finely shaped than his older brothers. But I knew the broad smile and the deep friendly glint in his dark brown eyes. This I understood and it was what I welcomed the most.

Hi Jen.

Hi, I answered, happy for his attention.

Have you met Aine yet?

Yes, we talked together this morning, she is swimming now.

Oh? His eyes searched the group and then on seeing her in the water still peacefully floating at the far side of the water hole, he bought his attention back to me. What did you think? he asked quietly, turning as I followed him on the path up towards the kitchen.

She is nice, I like her I think.

Hmm… Sean absently used his shirt to dry the worst of the water on his body before he stretched it over his head. Walk with me back to the house and you can tell me all about it. What have you been up to these last months?

We detoured around the kitchen and took the track that followed the smaller stream. We enjoyed the sudden serenity of the forest as we made our way towards the house. Taipan and Sean had built the house as young men; it was a project that had taken a great deal of time. A place people only went to on invitation, even I. The deference the Community paid them as Shaman and as Clever Men of the mob was widely respected. They led the Shaman, and Taipan guided their training, nurturing their strengths, no one wanted to interfere with this. Granny was the only one who would come and go from their home as she chose.

The path wound around, through the forest following the stream and I loved this sheltered part of the Community. It was alive with birds and with animals; the air here in the quieter valley was always cool. A pocket of what had once been the natural rainforest which had covered the whole of the caldera of Wollumbin, or Mount Warning as the English had called it before they had stripped the flatter plains inside the caldera bare; first by the logging and later by farming. The escarpment though remained almost free of farmers. Although there were banana trees that still clung to the steep escarpment in places mostly grown back to wild. The loggers had raided the timbers before the National Parks and Reserves had been established and now rangers and others protected the remains of the beautiful natural forests.

I’m glad you liked Aine, she is nice and there is little pretence about her.

I do. Though I had hoped that Taipan would notice me, he still sees me as being a girl not a woman you know, I added smiling without malice. Sean’s quick grin irritated me for some reason and I would have smacked him playfully if I had been game enough. It seems he is always so busy, he will have little time for me and now Aine is here I think, he will be even distracted more. He has been very moody and we don’t see much of him at the camp.

Sean frowned, Yeah, the fight they had was difficult for them both, hopefully they will get over it. I think that is why Gran was so keen to have Aine visit. Never mind though, you should find yourself a boyfriend, that would make him sit up and pay attention.

His suggestion at first seemed outrageous and I must admit I felt a bit shocked but after a moment I found myself considering the possibility. Then I all but dismissed it before adding.

Do you really think there is any among the men that would want to bring all that attention to themselves? I challenged on a giggle. The idea seems ludicrous and I couldn’t think of any among the men or older boys who would dare to challenge Taipan even though it was possible. I knew he would not stop me from playing at girlfriend and boyfriend with anyone, our relationship wasn’t bound in that way, but still it seemed unlikely that anyone would want get on his wrong side, including me.

There has to be someone you find…. special? Sean asked after a minute’.

I shook my head as we reached one of the places I really liked along the path, it was peaceful here and if you moved down towards the stream there was a scattering of rocks big enough for a seat and a small clearing often used by the birds in the shifting light. This was usually as far as I would come along the path when I wanted time to myself and I loved the little clearing which Sean had shown me years ago.

He knew this as we had spent many hours here over the years, talking and just enjoying the serenity and the animals and birds as they had strayed onto the soft grass. I had watched him grow-up here from a teenager to a man and had encouraged him with a great deal of fun as we had both learnt to understand the ways of the forest around us and had begun to wonder about the ways of the Dreaming in this peaceful place.

Now we carelessly cut down from the main path without a thought and moved down towards the stream as we took time to talk and I knew he had something he wanted to say. His mood was intent and his expression more serious.

You really should find someone Jen. You shouldn’t be alone so much, you’re such a baby in life it’s kind of scary, he said with a smile taking the sting from his words. Don’t wait for Ty, he’s going to be busy with Aine and he wouldn’t stop you. You know that don’t you? Is there anyone at school?

Again I shook my head. The boys at school all seemed so young in so many ways. It is impossible to compare the boys at school with… I shrugged. Besides, I hope I have finished with school now. I announced bravely. I don’t want to go back to Senior.

You should finish Senior. What has Ty said about that?

I grinned, I haven’t told him yet.

Sean laughed. Is that so? I bet he hasn’t even thought of that. I wan’na be around for that argument…! Don’t you dare have it without me!

He reached over and ruffled my hair, something he knew I hated. As I glared up at him he pulled me closer and dropped his arm around my shoulder casually, returning to the ease of our behaviour in the years past.

You both treat me like a child you know. I hate it!

Do you? Well Jen you are a kid. You need to get out more an’ stop spending so much time around the Community, maybe get a job?

Like what? I challenged him irritated.

Well, you might find something in Kyogle or Lismore; a shop assistant? We could organize something.

I haven’t got a driving license Sean, how would I get there?

Oh yeah... he chuckled. I forgot about that. We could send you down to Sydney, Dianne’s down there, and she or Belle they would love to have you around I’m sure.

I thought of the two women, mothers in my life even though I knew their place they seemed in many ways strangers to me. No, I don’t want to go. I would miss everyone and I don’t know anyone there really.

He nudged me with his shoulder companionably as he tried to knock me gently from my mood. Then he turned to take me by the shoulders, holding me carefully between his hands. His eyes searched mine to better understand my feelings and I knew he was looking for something in my expression. You’re a timid little thing Jen, when did this happen? Where is that moody little kid who used to annoy the crap out of me?

I flushed and dropped my eyes shrugging. I just get lonely sometimes Sean. I don’t want to leave Gran and Taipan, or you even.

What about your friends here, the girls?

They all have other things to do. You know like boyfriends and well other things. I sometimes think that I don’t have a lot in common with them anymore.

Sean gently pulled me gently into the crook of his shoulder. He had grown taller I realized as I barely reached his shoulder and it surprised me.

Poor Jen, he said softly, half chiding me in a gentle tone.

Resenting his tone I playfully hit at his chest with my fist but nestled comfortably into his shoulder none the less as he chuckled.

You know I will be sixteen soon, I added peeved. I have never been kissed properly even!

As he laughed I felt his words echo through his chest. Sweet sixteen and never even been kissed... shocking!

Nudging his shoulder playfully against me to get my attention I looked up surprised as he quickly dropped his lips to mine in a quick salute’ with his mouth while he was still chuckling.

There you go. Can’t say that now can you?

Shocked I stared at him completely stunned by his trite salute’. Very funny! I whispered at him, my aggravation and irritation with him growing fast. I resisted the urge to kick out at him with my feet, so without thought I instead impetuously reached up and grabbed his hair twisting it cruelly and dragged his lips down to my own to punish him in my own way, as the thought of biting him skipped through my mind, I realized then how neatly our lips suddenly had fitted together.

I wasn’t even sure if I was doing it right, I had never had practice at this so I just impulsively puckered as though I was at first kissing an apple that I was seriously thinking of biting.

I could feel his shock and I knew I was going to laugh but then the trite attack that should have meant so little to us both, a reckless punishment even which changed suddenly as his mouth moved against mine in a way I had never known. His arms moved suddenly about me, wrapping about me and drawing me to him-self. It was breathtaking and I lost the power to breathe or to think, my ears blocked to all but a sweet ringing tone as he held me close to his chest, as his mouth grew harder over mine in what was almost an assault but a sweet and erotic one.

The sensations sweeping me robbed me of the ability to complain as my lips softened following the pattern of his and after what seemed an eternity he dragged his lips from mine. Holding me still for a moment he then swore crudely shocking me as he let me almost slip from his arms, though he didn’t release me. His breathing was ragged, more ragged than mine and I could feel the unsteady pound of his heart that I found strangely fascinating. He fought to fill his lungs, swearing again softly this time while he refused to look my way it seemed. Still breathless, my senses were swimming and I looked up at him somewhat stunned.

Sean was flushed and so very still it frightened me as my thoughts raced into impossible corners of my mind.

Slowly he dropped his eyes to run them over my face. God… I am sorry Jen. I should never have done that.

I shook my head not quite understanding what was happening. I was unable to even think straight about what he was trying to say. Then realizing he still held me, he suddenly let me go. I staggered a little until his hands reached to steady me again. His look was concerned at my stunned and confused expression, but I was confused by his words more than his actions.

All I could do was just shake my head not knowing why I did so. Sean stood quiet as he drew deep breaths and then I realized he was waiting for my reaction but I knew I was unable to give one. My thoughts rambled about my mind in chaos waiting for something.

Reaching for his forearms to help steady my swimming head I said the first thing that came into my mind. Wow… That was all I could utter for the moment as my senses finally settled. I heard his soft slow and careful chuckle as his humour surfaced despite the shock receding in his eyes.

Jenna… he said so very softly. That isn’t supposed to happen. I’m sorry Jen but I really shouldn’t have done that.

I grinned suddenly barely hearing his soft words. That was fun... I whispered with a small giggle still amazed.

Jen. No… You’re not hearing me. Sean let me go finally. No! he repeated in a more serious tone.

I frowned.

He reached for me, and then thought better of it, dropping his arms and folding them across his chest as he shook his head.

That was my fault. I’m sorry. He waited patiently for me to catch up with his thoughts I was sure but my mind was incredibly slow, I couldn’t gather a stray thread.

Then it hit me. This was Sean, my Sean, my future brother-in-law and shocked I drew a rapid breath. As the shock registered in my eyes Sean took my elbow and shifted me carefully back towards the path.

Come on I will walk you back to the camp, he said firmly, brooking no argument in what was seemingly his confident control of the situation, even a control in how I felt.

Confused I walked ahead of him, which was where he positioned me and as we stepped back quietly in file along the track thoughts raced through my mind in a chaotic tumble. Our pace was steady and just before we reached the clearing Sean reached out to stop me, turning me to face him again.

I’ll leave you here Jen, he said, his voice still soft and careful. Look. That was my fault, it shouldn’t have happened but it’s not your fault. Don’t dwell on it OK. I’m tired, I need a sleep and that… is what the problem is, I’m not thinking straight. I’ll see you later tonight, alright?

I nodded seeing the confusion in his eyes, the uncertainty and the regret and for some reason, an urgency that I agree with him. He didn’t want argument now and I couldn’t think of what else to say anyway, so I said nothing.

I watched as he turned, tucked his hands into his still wet jeans while his shoulders hunched slightly and he strode back down the path.

Still confused my thoughts tumbled about as I made my way following the path through the main camp and on to my room in the women’s house. My body felt strangely alive, incredibly restless and I knew I couldn’t rest, but I wanted so much to be alone. I wanted to be alone with Sean but he was gone and being unable to step past this thought I sought the quiet of my room for the moment.

I wasn’t long in my room before I decided contradictorily that what I needed most was activity and so I headed on out towards the kitchen. There would be a lot to do with the men back, most of who would have eaten by now and there was sure to be a mess. The activity kept me busy and I was glad for the bustle and the company of those around me. I still couldn’t understand what had happened and I decided to do as Sean suggested. Try not to think about it for the time being, at least until I could sort it through the filters of my mind later.

Thoughts of Sean intruded though on everything I did. I couldn’t forget the sense of being crushed in his arms, the sense of giddy euphoria that wrapped around my thoughts as he had kissed me. But worst of all I couldn’t begin to imagine Taipan kissing me in such a fashion, somehow it just seemed wrong and that really frightened me. I wished so much I could talk to him about it and in my thoughts I considered what I might say.

I had always taken my problems and my doubts to Taipan and he would listen, but never had I taken such a problem to him. The problems I had shared with him now seemed almost trite in comparison, childish even and I was afraid of what he would make of the tumble of my emotions now.

As a few of the young women and I cleared up after lunch and finally put the kitchen to rights for the last time that day, I was relieved when Granny sought me out. She reminded me that she had been meaning to replenish the kitchen food stock for Taipan and Sean down at the house, now they were both back.

Granny always took the longer route’ to Taipan and Sean’s as she preferred the sure footing of the narrow dirt road to the uncertain footing of the much shorter track and having collected Aine she now asked us both to accompany her to help take the supplies she had gathered together to their house.

This was a task that I commonly undertook and I usually enjoyed the walk as it often gave me time alone with Granny and we would talk over our thoughts. With Aine accompanying us though I was less sure of seeking her advice about Sean and about the strange swamp of emotions that were focusing my thoughts along a singular track. I even considered asking Aine, after all it could indirectly concern her and I wondered what she would make of such a question about my doubts about kissing Taipan as I had kissed Sean. This was new ground and they were new emotions, which I had never dreamt could confuse me so much.

In the end I decided that it was not the time for such confidences, as much as I had confidence in our growing friendship. I feared my inexperienced questions would alienate her and I didn’t want that at all. I felt lost for the first time in many years. A feeling not unlike that which I had felt when I had first arrived in the Community, only this time I couldn’t seem to reach Taipan. I couldn’t take my fears to Sean? ... Or could I?

At the house Granny left us to organize the pantry while she took time for herself. I knew she enjoyed the bathroom arrangements here more so than those at Aunt Judy’s or at her cottage and she would take the opportunity to shower and rest in the small room off the lower lounge room. The men had installed a gas water heater for her to use in the small ensuite and while there were solar panels to feed the demands for lighting, most of the utilities relied on gas.

Aine and I chatted comfortably but quietly as we worked, aware as we were that Taipan and Sean slept nearby after the nights hunt. The living room and kitchen was the usual mess but we soon had the place in order and as Aine finished tidying the kitchen, I took note of what was still needed in the pantry.

It was Aine who first realized Taipan was awake and was sitting on the few steps that led to the sleeping level; he was sitting there watching us quietly. I flushed, aware of his scrutiny as she greeted him although I could see she was as surprised as I at being quietly observed by him.

Oh! Ty.

G’day. Climbing to his feet he joined us in the kitchen area. His focus was clearly on Aine and I felt my heart beat settle down at the realization. I didn’t feel I could talk to him and as I watched the reaction they had to each other, I felt almost as though I shouldn’t intrude.

Any food going? I’m starving. Taipan asked his voice curious.

There’s eggs… would you like some? I suggested with a smile trying to mask my confusion. Uncertainty gripped me as I remembered the moments in Sean’s arms. Knowing it is something that would not be tolerated by any man in regards to his brother. I hoped he would never realize the extent of my complicity in the emotions that had swept through me.

Yes, thanks. He moved towards the fridge obviously thirsty, his mood lighter than I had seen in weeks and it made me less nervous as I tried to settle the riot of my thoughts. Gran here?

I was grateful when Aine turned to him; it relieved me of having to struggle further with my attempts to appear relaxed.

Granny is having a rest, she asked us to help out. But what was that all about this morning? she demanded of him surprising me with so forthright a manner.

I had heard talk in the community kitchen of how Taipan had greeted Aine this morning, surprising her in the swimming hole and kissing her soundly. Even now it tempted my smile but I was too surprised at the tone of her question. Aine challenged him openly and I was shocked at her courage in dealing with him.

A little harmless fun, plus it will keep you from being pestered to death.

Pestered?

Hmm… the men. Unless you want me to let it be known you don’t mind that type of attention. I could do that.

There was laughter in his voice and he was teasing in a manner that was new to me in his dealings with other women. I found what was happening between them a revelation. It had never occurred to me that Taipan would treat a woman in such a playful way when being challenged. You could feel the wave of electricity between them and this was something also I had never seen.

Oh… No. No! I didn’t realize that. Aine answered, for the first time showing a willingness to concede as she blushed. I see what you mean.

Taipan took his glass over to the table and I followed him soon with a plate of toast and eggs. His eyes thanked me but there was a strange curiosity in his glance and I wondered if he felt a sense of being pulled in two directions with both Aine and I here. I felt unable to approach him with total confidence and even his mood towards me was diffident and it was confusing, leaving me with a strange sense of being singled out without him saying anything at all.

Sean about? he asked.

I felt the blush ride up as I answered him. Yes, he’s sleeping I think?

Hmm… I will have to get him up soon; we need to get over to the youngsters before dinner’s up.

When Aine joined us there was a shift in his mood again as he explained about the dance that the youngsters would perform tonight. When it was obvious that Aine was unfamiliar with the ceremony of the dance I was happy to help explain.

You’ll enjoy it Aine, the boys dance a story. It might seem simple but it is quite involved. They will tell us about their experiences in dance, some will be the animals, others the hunters and it is a lot of fun. But then the men will tell us about the hunt, about who caught the wallabies and so on.

This is all in dance? Aine asked surprised. You mean it’s not just a dance.

No. There are some traditional dances that have been passed down that talk of oh… lots of things. But tonight it is their own stories they will tell. I can help you understand it if you like? We can sit together if you want?

Aine smiled. Thanks, I would love that.

I saw the sincere warmth in her eyes and was glad that we could be friends. It felt as though we were almost sisters despite the shift in Taipan’s mood that I could feel in regard to me. A shift that confused me and I wondered if I had done something to anger him.

It was a rare occasion when Taipan was angry with me but now I sensed a reservation, a subtle anger in his look and his manner and as confusing as it was, I wondered if he could really read my thoughts. I had never been completely sure that he couldn’t.

Sean’s voice behind me startled me as unexpected as it was. I hadn’t heard his approach and turning towards him I jumped out of the chair where I had settled, surprised at the sweep of tension as I caught my breath realizing Sean’s eyes were searching my face, reading my emotions as they flitted about, shattering what little normalcy I had been gaining.

I hoped Taipan had not noticed how much I had been startled or how flustered I was. Heading back into the kitchen area I knew I was seeking a retreat from them both and I decided that I had best finish the shopping list I had begun. It was a good distraction while I struggled to settle my nerves. I couldn’t understand the emotions I was experiencing, the uncertainties I was beginning to feel, so much so that I would simply have liked to cry suddenly. It was all too much at once to deal with and too confusing.

What are you plans, Kitten? What has bought you to my neck of the woods? Taipan asked of Aine in a low tone. Obviously meaning their conversation to be private and I wished I could leave. I wished I could have had time to deal with the confusion and the smarting moisture in my eyes.

Sean invited me along... I was at a bit of a loose end. I was going to my sisters but the school holidays don’t begin for the girls for a few more weeks. It all worked out well and I can help out with the children.

Well, I for one am glad you are here. Have you caught up with Gran?

Yes. I met her this afternoon when we bought over some stores. She is resting at the moment... it was a long walk from the community kitchen.

Hmm… there is a shorter track but Gran doesn’t care for it.

Again I jumped startled as I felt a soft touch in the centre of my back and looked up surprised, straight into Sean’s eyes before I remembered the smarting moisture in mine, the inexplicable tears I was unable to hide before I dropped my glance.

You OK? he whispered in the softest of tones.

I shook my head silently shrugging, unable to explain my gathering tears.

Sean took only a few seconds to come to a decision, turning me towards the entrance on the sleeping level he called out to Taipan over his shoulder.

Hey… Ty. Jenna wants to bring over some more stores, anything you want? I’ll give her a hand with it.

No, I’m ‘right thanks. Catch you latter.

Guiding me ahead of him, he brooked no resistance or hesitation on my part as we left through the upper level front door leading onto what was the main track, avoiding the lower entrance where Taipan and Aine were. I was glad for the reprieve, glad not to find myself in a position where I needed to explain to Taipan why I was crying. How could I explain something that I didn’t even understand myself?

Scrubbing the moisture from my eyes with the heel of my palms I tried desperately to stem the inexplicable flow as he guided me away from the house silently. He said nothing until we were well away from the house and then with terse anger he stopped me.

What is going on? What has been said to bring this on? he demanded trying to temper his obvious anger.

Nothing… really nothing. I… I don’t know why…?

He swore under his breath, then once more searching my expression he gently took my elbow to lead me further on down the track until we came to a point where the main track was crossed by a much smaller foot trail through the bush and he turned down here. I knew then where we were going, it was just a small way into the bush and there was a flat rock area, one free of the rainforest lichens and moss and exposed to the dappled sun. It overlooked the creek track and was a favourite spot to relax and reflect when the world got too busy.

Once we reached the small rock platform Sean turned to me indicating that I should sit and I dropped easily into a cross-legged seat while he followed likewise, sitting on the warm rock as he faced me. I hadn’t thought he would position himself so and I found it hard to hide my confusion and sense of isolation from him as he sat across from me face-on.

Talk, he invited softly.

I shook my head, not because I didn’t wish to talk but because I didn’t know what to say.

Jen, you’re upset about something. I have a damn good idea about what! But you need to talk about it.

I looked up, a mistake I realized as he frowned but he had said something about which I wanted to hear the answer, What am I upset about? I asked confused.

Sean sighed… Aine I expect.

I shook my head. I like Aine. No… I don’t think it is Aine.

Then talk Jen let’s figure this out.

I drew a breath. I don’t know. I don’t know why I am crying. It’s really annoying! I said through frustrated tears.

Did Ty say anything to upset you?

I shook my head, I think he is mad with me though, I offered still confused.

Why would you think that?

Well, he is… different somehow. He’s behaving differently.

He isn’t, I don’t think? Perhaps you are seeing him differently.

I glanced up surprised and in that moment I realized the truth in his words, I was seeing him much differently. I saw him as a guiding figure in my life. I saw him as a man, as a Shaman, a Karadji; someone I trusted and admired and even obeyed. But I didn’t see myself laughing with him or even kidding around, teasing him as I had seen Aine do earlier so fearlessly. The realization shocked me.

I don’t think I want him to kiss me, I said softly as another realization hit me. Well… not like you kissed me. Once more the colour rode up into my face and Sean hooded his eyes not wanting to share his feelings I realized.

I shouldn’t have done that Jen. It was wrong.

I could feel the moisture gathering in my eyes again and I tried to hide it from him. Realizing suddenly in part why I was crying I tried to scrub the wayward moisture away, it was that or let my tears brim over and it annoyed me that Sean would see my efforts.

He swore softly again under his breath and in that moment I found it in me to be irritated about it. You’re swearing too much! I scolded him as an errant smile slipped past my misery.

Yeah I know, he said ruefully. For Christ sake shuffle over here, I can’t watch you go through this.

Helping me carefully he moved me into his lap while he settled himself on the rock and there I tucked up into his legs like a child being comforted. Even though I could feel his confusion and the conflict within him, I felt also the comfort of the familiar. The last time I had sat like this in his lap it had been over a year ago and I had felt wounded over a trite comment a girl at school had made which I couldn’t even remember now and Sean had comforted me as I had raged over the injustice of it.

I loved being curled within his arms but life seemed to me to have changed so much in the last few months. My emotions were ragged and nothing really seemed to make much sense anymore. Frustration and confusion were becoming so much part of my day that I found myself hating the changes, resenting the things I now noticed which I had never noticed before.

Jen, little Jen… you’re growing up. I can’t believe how much you have somehow changed in the last six months while I have been away. What is happening in your head now is something that should be happening with someone else. Not me, never me.

He gently swept stray strands of hair from my face as I nestled into his shoulder like a child listening to what he said not only with my hearing, but also in the timbre vibration in his chest that was somehow more comforting. You’re experiencing how emotions can carry you along and when that happens you can get very attached to the guy who is going through this with you. Remember how I was when I started going out with girls? It was all new an’ I got all caught up in it remember and I swore I was in love a hand full of times; but I wasn’t... it finished. Didn’t it?

I drew a deep breath remembering the discussions, the light arguments we had as each friendship he had built with a girl had fallen apart. As disillusion had set in eventually and I mostly remembered being unable to understand how he could be so enamoured of a girl in one week and how it would take him from me and then how he would return after a time; return to our familiar friendship and our comfort zone.

You stopped telling me about your girlfriends years ago.

Yeah… I did. It didn’t seem right somehow after a while. I worry about you, you know.

Why can’t I go through this with you we should be able to talk after all you’re my best friend! Taipan has Aine... would he mind so much if you kissed me?

Sean drew a strangled breath, It’s not just the kissing... it’s everything that goes with it. Even I have had trouble with that. You, Bub, are my closest friend and I will admit that I haven’t always liked the way Ty has treated you. I can’t always understand the things he does in regards to you.

Like what? I asked curious knowing that Taipan had always treated me fairly and with consideration, so his words confused me further.

Well… it was like when Aine and Taipan met in Brisbane. I thought he should have told her about you. He didn’t at first. That was neither fair to Aine or you and we argued over it. But what I didn’t like is that I felt that you had not been considered properly. Ty should be spending more time with you you’re becoming a woman and he doesn’t seem to be paying attention.

I smiled, Neither do you.

Sean laughed.

I’m serious, I chided him. You don’t notice! Nobody notices. It’s not fair at all!

Hmm… I notice, he said ruefully and there was softness in his eyes that made me feel warm and considered. Every time I came home you had grown up some more. You have gotten all curvy and cute’.

Do you think I am cute’? I asked strangely delighted.

Yeah I think you’re cute’ Jen, he answered, his eyes laughing.

Well that makes me feel better.

Good. Come on, we had better go and get these stores. I have to get over to the kids and help out soon too.

Climbing to my feet I waited for Sean to join me and we made our way back to the track.

Thanks Sean I feel a little better... really, I said as we approached the main camp area.

You can talk to me anytime Jen, remember that. OK?

I nodded and he smiled as I watched him head off down the track towards where the men would be gathered. Somehow I had gained something, perhaps awareness about my feelings and myself and it was comforting. It didn’t take me long to collect the few things I needed from the main kitchen and take them back to the house, though this time I took the much shorter forest trail.

Ceremony

Sean:

The night had gone well and young Jeremy was full of the spirit of the dance and I understood how he felt. It had been an important night for the lad and he had done exceptionally well. As I had prepared for the men’s dance, I was aware that my preparations were not only for the Community but also for Jenna mostly and that knowledge unsettled me a great deal.

I still couldn’t believe that I had been so stupid as to be drawn into kissing her in the way I had earlier today. It seemed to me that having kept away from the community this last six months in the confusion of how I felt about Jen had all been set to nothing with one stupid move, but part of me also was angry at my brother Ty. Couldn’t he see that Jen was becoming a woman, that she needed him to pay attention now or Jen would naturally find someone else as she took on the mantle of the woman she was going to be.

As much as I tried to understand my brother I simply couldn’t imagine that he would choose to allow another man to be her first love, it was incomprehensible to me but I also knew that in these arrangements that it was often the case. Such an arrangement as they had was neither about love, nor even attraction but all about tribal and family ties.

I knew of course that my brother had