Gathering of Imbeciles: Book Two

By Paul Kmiotek

Donald, the comic anti-hero of Gathering of Imbeciles: Book One, continues his adventures at the fictitious Corona Park Zoo. He scowls and grumbles his way through alligator training, a trip to Georgia to pick up some farm animals, and a botched bison procedure. If you enjoyed Book One, the five short stories comprising Book Two are sure to entertain.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Paul Kmiotek
• Release date: Jul 1, 2012

Paul Kmiotek

Paul is a former zookeeper. He lives in Upstate New York with his wife and two children. He’s won numerous awards for his artwork but has never won a thing for his writing. He can’t decide whether Matt Damon or Kevin James should play Donald in the movie version of the book. Actually Kevin James might be better as Dexter.

Book preview

Gathering of Imbeciles

Book Two

An Indefensible History of the Corona Park Zoo

By Paul E Kmiotek

Cover Art and Illustrations by Paul E Kmiotek

Copyright 2012 by Paul E Kmiotek

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental . . . no, seriously.

Dedicated to my lovely wife Megan, who

has endured more permutations of this

abomination than any one person deserves.

Also to Donald and Guenther – they

know who they are – who made it

all so easy.

CONTENTS:

1. See Ya Later, Alligator

2. Jon of the Jungle

3. What Chickens?

4. Flower Power

5. Chin-Chiller Theater

1

See Ya Later Alligator

I

"I really hate the alligators. They’re so . . . creepy. And it’s no fair that we have to take care of them. We’re mammal keepers, not fish keepers. We should just send them to the aquarium to live with the rest of the fishes where they belong." Buffy and Muffy were approaching the alligator building carrying a bucket of trout to feed to the three residents.

Alligators aren’t fishes. Muffy contradicted Buffy.

They’re not? Buffy looked more confused than usual.

No, silly. They breathe air, don’t they? They’re marsupials.

Really? Wow! You’re so smart. You know just about everything about animals.

I know. That’s why Dr. Percy promoted me, you know. He wanted somebody in charge who was well educated. Not just another ignorant shit-picker.

Buffy DeVoyed was Muffy’s best friend at the zoo and would soon serve as maid of honor at Muffy’s impending marriage to Antonio. They’d bonded almost instantly the day they met, three months earlier, when Buffy started working at the zoo. They were strikingly similar looking from both the front and back, but less so in profile. Buffy’s profile was concave while Muffy’s was convex, so that Buffy’s face merely resembled a slightly deflated version of Muffy’s. It was Muffy who’d introduced Buffy to her current boyfriend Achmed, Antonio’s identical, conjoined twin brother by different fathers. Antonio’s father was Dominican - Achmed’s Palestinian. It was the only recorded occurrence of this particular biological anomaly known in the western hemisphere.

To further complicate matters, while most conjoined twins are symmetrical, joined to each other by the same anatomical feature; the head, the hip, etc., Antonio was joined to Achmed’s left cheek (lower, not upper) by his lips. There were those who conjectured that entering the world in this fashion had prepared Antonio for his meteoric rise up the zoological ladder. Their condition made Antonio and Achmed minor celebrities at the zoo, where they both worked - Antonio as head of the domestic area and Achmed in the funnel cake cart. Muffy liked to watch Buffy and Achmed together, imagining that that was how she and Antonio must look.

I’m getting a little worried. Muffy continued, changing the subject completely without seeming to notice. Antonio hasn’t found a tux that fits him right yet.

Yeah, I know. Achmed can’t find one either.

Well, I guess they are a little unusually shaped.

Omigod! Aren’t they? Achmed doesn’t own a shirt that the sleeves don’t end halfway between his elbow and his wrist. And just try to find pants with a 44 inseam! It’s impossible to buy him clothes." Buffy complained.

"Tell me about it! Don’t tell them I told you this, but their uncle used to call them ‘los ninos calimar’."

What’s that mean?

I think it means something like ‘the squid boys’, because they had such long arms and legs and little, tiny bodies. Buffy was giggling uncontrollably. You better not say anything! Muffy warned.

I won’t! I swear! She giggled some more.

I told Antonio that he should get a suit with a top hat.

Really? Why?

I thought it might help hide his unibrow.

Ooh! That’s a great idea! I’m gonna tell Achmed he has to get one too.

"Yeah. You really should. If they ruin my wedding pictures with their goofy eyebrows