“Where’s the Manure?”/Goofiest Sports Quotes of the 21st Century (so far)

By Dave Roos

Dave Roos has been collecting and collating this odd assortment of sports quotes since the turn of this century for his day job – OK, make that night job – as a sports copy editor for The Courier-Journal in Louisville, KY. They come from superstars, has-beens and hangers-on throughout the sports universe, proving you don’t necessarily need crazy skills to say crazy things.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dave Roos
• Release date: Jun 6, 2012
• ISBN: 9781938135774

Dave Roos

Dave Roos has been a sports copy editor and occasional writer for The Courier-Journal in Louisville, Ky., since 1983 after previous stints with the Colorado Springs Gazette-Telegraph and the Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette. He's a 1973 University of Kentucky graduate with a bachelor's in zoology and a 1975 University of Missouri graduate with a bachelor's in journalism. He lives in Louisville with his wife Kathy, daughter Mary, dog Oreo and about 500,000 honey bees, give or take a drone.

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Nebraska basketball coach Danny Nee, in a booster club address: All you —— who want me out of here, I’m not leaving. It’s not bad coaching, guys. It’s bad recruiting.

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Chicago Cubs pitcher Greg Maddux, after manager Dusty Baker noted that the four-time Cy Young Award winner often was the first one to arrive at the ballpark: I’m the first to leave, too.

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Boxer Mike Anchondo, on his way to the ring for a World Boxing Organization 130-pound championship bout: I want to win this title for my people—and for the money.

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South Carolina football coach Lou Holtz, noting that he hadn’t changed his way of life in the wake of Alabama coach Mike Price’s infamous strip-club fall from grace: I haven’t changed my lifestyle at all. Maybe that’s one of the advantages of not being very good-looking or very well-built.

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Fired Toronto Blue Jays manager Carlos Tosca, citing an expression he’d learned from his father: Experience is the accumulation of your mistakes, and I certainly have a lot of experience.

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Nevada basketball star Kirk Snyder, who chose that school after his spotty transcript scared off many recruiters: As soon as things didn’t look too bright, some of the other schools stopped recruiting me. I was kind of a knucklehead.

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Troy running back DeWhitt Betterson, on publicity for his team: First, I don’t really read newspapers. I don’t really read magazines. I don’t really watch ESPN. I might be one of the most illiterate people in America. I don’t really pay any attention.

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Louisville Ballard High School basketball star Will Reeves, explaining why he chose that sport: I tried football a long time ago, but it didn’t work out. I couldn’t take a hit. A girl tackled me, and she hit me so hard that I turned in my equipment. Football wasn’t going to be my sport.

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Ron Artest, upset that he wasn’t picked for the U.S. basketball team in the 2008 Olympics: I might not be a class act, but I’m an American.

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Belmont basketball coach Rick Byrd, sizing up his team’s 2006 NCAA Tournament matchup against UCLA: The thing I don’t like is that they’ve got really good players and a really good coach. That’s a bad combination for us.

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Chicago Cubs catcher Michael Barrett, who slugged A.J. Pierzynski after the White Sox catcher crashed into him at home plate: In my opinion, the way I look at it, I’m a grown man and I take care of things the way I feel they need to be taken care of. They are not always the best decisions in that situation. I don’t know how to say it. I mean, when you hit another grown man, it’s never right, you know.

Pierzynski: I’ve been punched a lot of times. Hopefully, it’s over with now.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen: If you play against A.J., you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him less.

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Louisville wide receiver Jimmy Riley, entering his fifth year in search of his first catch: The only strength I have is going against a linebacker and hoping that linebacker is slow. Other than that, I really don’t have a fighting chance in the world.

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Iona basketball coach Jeff Ruland, on his team’s 0–21 start to the 2006–07 season: Talk about bad karma. I thought I led a pretty good life. I’ve never been mean to anybody. I must have some stuff coming my way.

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Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas, explaining why he’s no team leader: I’m a goof. C’mon, everyone knows that. I look at my elders as the leaders. I don’t want nobody looking at me. How can I tell somebody ‘Don’t shoot that shot’ when I’m out there chucking ’em?

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Ohio State President Gordon Gee, backtracking on derogatory comments he’d made about Boise State and TCU football: "What do I know about college football? I look like Orville Redenbacher. I have no business talking about college football."

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Arizona Cardinals safety Adrian Wilson, after being fined $25,000 by the NFL for a hit that knocked Buffalo quarterback Trent Edwards out of a game: We’ll appeal it and see where it goes, but it’s kind of hard to appeal something when you have 15 personal fouls in your career, numerous fines for hits like that and kind of a reputation.

Well Spoken

Oakland Athletics pitching coach Rick Peterson, on Tim Hudson’s spring training: He looks much better than he did last year in big-league camp, and he wasn’t even in big-league camp last year.

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Hale Irwin, after shooting a 67 in the first round of the 2001 U.S. Open at age 56: I feel confident about what I’m able to do. Whether I can do it or not, I don’t know.

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Ernie Harwell, 82-year-old radio voice of the Detroit Tigers, on his 6:30 a.m. daily workouts: I jump rope 300 times without stopping. If I stop, I just keep going.

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Louisiana State coach Sue Gunter, on the 2000 induction class for the Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame: Everyone you talk to here has a passion for this sport … it is a sisterly fraternity.

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Chicago Cubs manager Don Baylor, on Atlanta reliever John Rocker’s problems off and on the mound: You’ve got to treat this game with reverence, because it can hit you between the forehead.

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Cubs broadcaster Pat Hughes: Cubs going for their sixth win in five games on this trip.

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Cubs TV analyst Bob Brenly, on how the players were reacting to a hot streak: They don’t want to overanalyze it. That’s our job.

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Brigham Young football coach Bronco Mendenhall, on his team’s defensive breakdowns against Utah State: I think it was a myriad of a couple things.

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Tim Thomas, on passing up an offer from the Chicago Bulls to re-sign with the Milwaukee Bucks: It would have been easy and it would have been fun, but at the same time it would have been difficult.

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Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden, describing his team’s placekicking: Iffy, we’re iffy. It’s been our Achilles’ tendon.

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Former World Cup snowboard champion Sabrina Blassnig, vowing to compete wearing only a bra and panties after failing to land a clothing sponsor: It doesn’t really matter, as I still have a lot to offer even without my overalls on.

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Mike Tyson, on fellow heavyweight boxer Lennox Lewis: His accomplishments talk for itself.

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Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant: If I had went to college, I would have went to Duke.

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Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, describing his talents: I have two weapons: my legs, my arm and my brain.

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Silver Creek (Ind.) High School volleyball coach Rick Engleking: Since we beat Providence, I think the girls know they can compete with the big boys.

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Washington Redskins coach Steve Spurrier: When you run and you don’t go very far, you wish you had thrown. And when you throw and you don’t go anywhere, you wish you had passed.

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Golfer Stuart Appleby: "Retief Goosen is the most least-known great player we have."

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Golfer Fred Couples: I wouldn’t be playing great golf every week if my back didn’t hurt. I wouldn’t be able to play golf if my back really, really hurt, and I don’t. So therefore, I try to play.

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Tennessee men’s basketball coach Bruce Pearl, sizing up the Volunteers’ prospects after four players were charged with drug and gun offenses: We’ve still got weapons … that’s terrible. I apologize. We still have players, uh, that have abilities.

Love Is Blind, Among Other Handicaps

Florida Marlins manager John Boles, noting that seven of his players got married in the offseason: We went from a team where no one could get a date to guys getting married and having kids. I didn’t think some would ever get married. We’ve got some ugly guys on this team.

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Indiana basketball star Kirk Haston, on teammate Kyle Hornsby’s sprained ankle: He’s got a girlfriend taking care of him. I kind of stay away. They kind of almost make me sick sometimes anyway. I’ll let her take care of him. She actually touches his feet sometimes. Have you seen those things?

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Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, on his old boss, Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim: He’s been married twice. At his first wedding, we couldn’t find him when it came time to cut the cake. We were searching everywhere at Skaneateles Lake. It took us a half-hour to find him. When we did, he was in a little cubby-hole office in this big house, watching a Met game. A Met game on his wedding night. Obviously, that first marriage didn’t last too long.

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Los Angeles Clippers forward Elton Brand, on being left off the All-Star team: It’s over. You move on. (I’m going to) be with my wife and kids. Oh, yeah. I don’t have a wife and kids.

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Fox football analyst Terry Bradshaw, apologizing for calling