Clarissa

By Fefee

Clarissa is the story of a young girl growing up in the heart of the ghetto on the south side of Chicago in the 1980s. She has taken on the responsibility of raising her two younger siblings while her mother languishes in bed, depressed about the way her on life has turned out. Her life is altered in the course of a year and she's forced to make changes they may result in giving up her dreams.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fefee
• Release date: May 14, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476299587

Book preview

Clarissa

A Novel

By Fefee

Clarissa

A Novel by Fefee

Copyright 2012 Cecilia Mitchell

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events or person(s) or locations is strictly coincidental. All characters, incidents and dialog are the product of the author’s imagination and are in no way tied to real events or people.

Other Works by Fefee

Then There Were Three Part One

Then There Were Three Part Two: The More The Merrier

An Unexpected Detour (Short Story)

Hoes, Freaks and Photos (A collection of short erotic tales)

Visit the author on the web at:

http://www.fefee.the.writer.com

Dedication

This book is dedicated to a very dear friend of mine who left this life too soon. He was the first to see in me a potential that even I didn’t know existed. He brought laughter and happiness to each person he encountered and for those of us he called friend, he brought a loyalty and kindness that is unmatched. Although I am saddened, even now, after he has been gone from us for so many years, I know that he still watches over me, making me laugh at times when I least feel joy. His spirit encourages me to live life to its maximum potential each day. I never had the chance to tell him when he was alive, but THANK YOU Jamal, for making me feel like where I came from was not the limit of where I could go.

Part One

Chapter One

Life Ain’t Been No Crystal Staircase

I must have known even in the womb that this life wasn't going to be easy for me;-my mother was in labor with me for 36 hours. I hope that bitch suffered every second of that labor.........

Rissa!! Rissa!! Rissa!! I know you hear me calling you!!" There she goes-my lovely egg donor. I know she doesn't want anything. I'm annoyed beyond belief-and for about the billionth time in my life I wish she would just die. I wait another minute to see if she'd give up and start calling one of my siblings to do her bidding.

Rissa!!! If I have to get up and come in there you'll be real sorry!! Nope, no luck on the death wish this time, guess I'll go see what the cow wants.

Yessssssss Martha?!?!? (I hadn't called her any derivative of mother since I was about eight. Just one more way to annoy her.)

Go in the kitchen and get me a cold glass of water. Don't try to be funny and get it from the toilet again, I can tell the difference and I will kick your ass this time. I roll my eyes and pop my lips like only a 15 year-old girl can do. This is the type of shit that really burns me-I'm not the one thirsty so why in the hell do I need to go in the kitchen to get something to drink?!?!? For as long as I can remember Martha has been ruling over our small slice of ghetto from her bed. The only times I can remember her ever actually getting up and leaving our small apartment was to go down to social services to meet with her caseworker because God forbid the government ever messed with her food stamps or assistance checks.

I consider getting her a fresh drink courtesy of our toilet bowl but decide to play nice and get the water from the jug in the refrigerator.

Here, how about you try gettin your fat ass up and getting the next glass yourself, I throw behind me after handing her the water and walking out of the room. Martha starts to make an equally snide comment in response but I'm out of hearing range now and really don't give a fuck anyway.

Martha and I stopped getting along the moment she decided that it was ok for my step father to start grooming me to be his sex toy. I was about eight the first time he decided to try his hand. Martha was out partying late one night and I had been left alone with my brother and sister. I was the oldest and pretty resourceful even at that age so it was nothing to be left alone with the younger ones. I was sleeping pretty soundly after getting Stephanie and Marcus or Steph and Spoony as we called them, to finally settle down for the night. I heard the door open and close and then the TV come on kind of loud. Like I said before-we lived in a small apartment in the hood-two bedrooms for five people, things were pretty close and tight and it didn't take much noise to rouse the whole house. I sleepily got out of bed and went in the front room to see which one of the alcoholics had made it in first. Steph and Spoony hadn’t moved at the noise coming from the living room; I looked over at them curled together in Steph’s bed, they were 4 and 5 at the time and slept like only babies could, undisturbed, not a worry in the world.

Hey baby girl. Did the TV wake you up? Kenny, Martha's live in boyfriend asked.

No, I heard the door and thought it might be Momma. I was coming to see if she brought some food home, I'm a little hungry, I said rubbing my eyes and walking to the couch.

Sorry baby, it's just me and I didn't bring any food but I bought some drink, Kenny laughed like he had said the funniest damn thing ever. I sucked my teeth and curled up on the opposite end of the sofa. The Love Boat was on and I just loved Isaac. We sat there watching TV for a few minutes not saying anything to each other. During the commercial break Kenny turned the TV down and turned around to face me. Come here baby girl, come sit on my lap, I wanna talk to you for a minute. Being sleepy and a little naive I didn't think much about the request and scooted on down the couch to get close to Kenny. Closer baby girl, come sit in my lap, Kenny said while giving me that same drunk laugh again. Still no red flags in my head so up in his lap I went.

Kenny starts to rub my back through my paper thin night gown. You're gettin so big, I'm not gonna be able to call you my baby girl anymore soon. He laughed again and this time, being so close I could smell just how drunk he was. I could smell the alcohol coming through his pores almost. I sat there waiting on him to finish whatever drunken rambling he had on his mind. Still rubbing my back, Yeah, you're growing up alright, sho-nuff, and gettin so pretty!! Them boys gone be tryina get in your pants for sho, real soon, he-he-he.

Now I'm starting to get pissed, what is this fool talking about?! The commercials are long over and this fool is talking about some nonsense. I decide then to go back to bed, I move to get down from his lap and he pulls me back, closer to his chest and his hand moves from my back. Hold on baby girl, I'm not done talking to you yet. We have a lot of things we need to talk about.

I'm still not contributing to the conversation but resign myself to sit there and listen until he let me go back to bed. His hand moves to the front of my almost see through night gown. Most of our clothes were from the thrift store and we tended to keep them until they literally fell apart. My nightgown being so thin wasn't any kind of sexy freaky child porn shit. We were just poor and wore what was given to us. He starts rubbing my stomach in the same slow circles he was using on my back and picks up the conversation, yeah you're starting to fill out a little bit up here. He moves his hand up to my breast-ok, I was a late bloomer so breast in this case was a bit of a stretch-he starts rubbing my little nipples that were poking against the gown. Whoa!! There's my red flag!!! I saw an after school special about this kinda shit!!! I start squirming trying to get down. Kenny put his other arm around my waist to pull me in tighter.

Where ya goin baby girl? I'm tryina talk to you that's all. I want to take care of you, I'm not gonna hurt you.

Oh yeah?!? Then why in the hell is your hand somewhere it definitely shouldn't be?!? He starts kissing down the side of my neck and pinching my little buds at the same time. He's starting to use the hand around my waist to move me back and forth on his lap and his breathing is getting heavier. Now I'm getting really scared and starting to cry. Please let me go. Please!! Now I'm all out bawling and trying to get loose but he's too far into it. I can feel his hard dick underneath me and my gown is riding up around my waist. He takes the opportunity to try to stick his fingers in my panties.

It's ok; just let Kenny touch it baby. It's ok... he's grinding now, getting faster and faster. I'm squeezing my legs together so tight he can't get his fat fingers in my underwear so he settles for just rubbing them on the outside. Now he's got my gown up around my neck and is trying hard to lick my nipples but between his grinding and my attempts at escape he can't make the reach so I end up with gin laced slob all over my neck and chest.

Uh, uh almost there, just help me feel good baby. I'm not gonna hurt you.

He's grunting now and moving even faster, he stops rubbing my breast and puts both hands on my waist. Now he's got me facing the front of the room, both hands on my waist grinding his dick on my little ass. I would of course learn later in life this is called the reverse cowboy. Uhm-hhm. Not knowledge I needed at eight-years-old. Now he's raising up almost off the couch, bucking hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah!! He gives one final hard push and falls against my back. Whew! Mmmmmmm-mmmmmm!! Damn baby girl, that was sho-nuff real good, real, real, real good. Yeah, we gone have some good times, me and you. This'll just be our little secret. Your mother ain't never here anyway and when she is she too drunk to know what the hell goin on so you and me gone be alright. He kisses my cheek again and finally lets me go. I stumble off his lap and make my way to my bedroom.

It isn't until I curl up in bed that I realize the back of my gown is wet. At first I think I've peed on myself because I was so scared I couldn't even think. I feel the wet spot and realize it's sticky. I now know it's not piss-I didn't know exactly what it was but I knew it came from him, I didn't know anything about nut at the time. I got out of bed and start to head for the bathroom but then I stop as I get to the door-he's still out there and I'm not 100% sure what just happened but I know it was wrong and I know I don't want it to happen again. I take off the gown and panties and throw them in the corner. I put on jeans and a t-shirt and climb back in bed and cry. I lay there balled up under the blanket waiting to hear the front door open and my mother to come home. Then his ass was gonna get it. I had all the faith in the world that she was gonna kick his ass and then put him out for what just happened-like I said, I was naive. I thought like I suppose every kid does at that age-your mother is your protector, your hero. I thought mothers were supposed to go to the ends of the earth to make sure nothing bad ever happened to their children. Even growing up in the hood, you kind of expected for mothers to take care of their kids. It's our base instinct as women. Do you know how many times I'd seen someone's mother out in the street whoopin someone's ass for fucking with their kid?!!? Plenty!! So like I said, I just KNEW I was about to get my revenge on this punk-ass nigga.

I laid there for about an hour before I heard the door open again. I hesitated to see if I could hear my mother. I could hear some stumbling around and was pretty sure it was her. I hadn't heard any noises from the front room since he had finished with me.

I threw the door open and ran for my mother. Momma!! Momma!! Help me please!! I screamed throwing my arms around her waist and clutching for her like I was adrift at sea and she was a life boat.

What in the hell is wrong with you? What in the hell are you doing up so damn late?! Your little ass shoulda been asleep, get the fuck off of me! She pried my hands loose and I fell to the floor. She starts walking to her bedroom and I grab her around the ankle.

Momma wait!! Momma he nasty!! Momma he was touching me when you was gone, I'm snottin and crying and screaming at the top of my lungs.

Wh-what the fuck did you just say?!? She stopped walking long enough to turn around and look down at me.

Kenny Momma!! Kenny was touching my breast and kissing on me and doing nasty stuff. He tried to touch my privates and wouldn't let me go!!! Momma please get him!! Momma please help me!!

She helped me up off the floor, Stay right here, I'll be back in a minute. She turned to go in her room and left me huddling in the corner. I could hear her in the room trying to wake Kenny. A few minutes later I see her coming out of her room-Kenny is right behind her.

I fall into a full blown panic when I see him coming towards me, No!! NO!!! Momma stop him what are you doing?!?!?! Kenny starts reaching for me; I can't hear what he's saying I'm so terrified. I grab for my mother and try to use her as a shield.

See, I told you, she's hysterical, she musta been having some kind of nightmare. All I did was check on her and the other kids when I came in like I always do. I ain't see her all night except sound asleep in her bed. I don't know why she got it in bad for Kenny. You know I love your kids like they're my own. I ain't never done nothing to hurt these kids baby. Kenny turns my mother around to face him with tears in his eyes.

Nuh-unh!!! I wasn't having no bad dreams!! He touched me Momma I swear!!

Come on girl; let's go in your room. You need to get back to bed its late, nobody got time for all this damn foolishness. She grabbed my arm and started dragging me off to bed. I look over my shoulder to see Kenny standing there with a smug look on his face.

Good night baby girl, I hope you feel better. I love you.

What in the hell??? I felt like I was in the middle of the damn Twilight Zone.

Alright, come on take-off those clothes and get in the bed before you wake up your sister and brother. My mother starts opening drawers, I guess trying to find something else for me to sleep in.

Momma, why you not mad at him? Why you not puttin him out?!? She still has her back to me, searching for night clothes.

Put him out cause you having a bad dream? Then who gone help me pay these damn bills? Your crack head daddy definitely ain't gone do it. So you need to put this on and get your ass in the bed. She throws another gown at me and turns to walk out the door. I don't move to change my clothes, I start crying again. WHACK!! She actually turned around and hit me!! I said shut up all that damn noise before I give you something to cry for. If you wake these kids up I'm gone beat yo ass so if you know what's good get yo ass in that bed and go the fuck to sleep. I don't give a damn if you change your clothes or not but you better shut the fuck up. And with that she slammed the door and broke my heart. She ruined any chance we would ever have at a healthy mother-daughter relationship. I curled up on my side and cried myself to sleep.

******

Over the next few months Martha made a point of making sure Kenny and I were never left alone. It was like she was subconsciously admitting to herself that the incident had actually happened even though she refused to admit it out loud. Of course it wasn’t long before the streets and alcohol started calling her again and she started slipping. Kenny was on his best behavior but I wasn’t fooled. I felt like he was planning something and just waiting on the best opportunity to try it. He finally got his chance later that summer but it was actually a learning experience for me.

We were visiting my aunt Diane who was Martha’s youngest sister and who happened to be married to Kenny’s oldest brother Robert, when Kenny decided it would be a good time to try his hand again. I was playing outside with my cousins near their house on the west side of Chicago. We were playing some random game of hide and seek when everyone decided to go in to play Atari. Diane and Robert were a little better off than most of my aunts and uncles and they tended to spoil their four kids. Hell, they had a four bedroom house; granted it was still in the hood and my aunt Diane was one of the nastiest people I knew, but still-a house was a hell of a lot better than a two bedroom apartment above the neighborhood liquor store where I lived. I decided to stay outside and take advantage of riding one of my cousin’s bikes. I had never had one of my own before and it was rare that any of my friends shared with me. Besides, I knew with seven kids sharing a game system it would be complete chaos. None my cousins shared well and they were selfish beyond belief. They thought it was funny to tease us about where we lived and the clothes we wore. Making us go last and then cutting our time short on the game was just one more way that they used to torture us. The end result of playing the game would be fighting and eventually someone would get their ass beat once the noise was loud enough to interrupt the grown-ups drinking and playing cards.

I didn’t mind being by myself, even at such a young age I’d learned to cherish the quiet time when I didn’t have to be responsible for anyone besides myself. I was riding the bike up and down the alley behind the houses; it was a little safer than riding on the street, when I noticed Kenny and Uncle Rob sitting in the garage playing checkers. At first I didn’t think they were paying any attention to me until on one of my trips by I noticed they had abandoned their game and moved their chairs to face the alley. I tried pretending I didn’t see them with their heads together like they were whispering, just staring at me. I started to feel creepy and decided maybe playing video games wasn’t such a bad idea. I cut my next trip down the alley short and hopped off the bike. I was walking the bike into the yard where I planned to leave it; even thought I knew I’d get yelled at later for not putting it back in the garage where it belonged. But there was no way I was going anywhere near the lecherous duo in the garage. Just as I was leaning the bike against the fence, Kenny came out of the side door of the garage (the garage was unattached from the house so it had a side entrance which led to the backyard as well as the big door the cars are driven through), Is that where that bike is supposed to go? he asked.

I turned my back to head towards the house pretending like I couldn’t hear him, but I wasn’t fast enough. He reached out and grabbed me by the arm, pulling me into the garage. I was petrified, so scared I couldn’t find my voice. I tried to reason in my mind that my uncle wouldn’t let him do anything bad to me but instinct kept trying to override that logic and told me this was really bad.

Why are you being so damn hard-headed? You act like I’m the boogeyman or something. I ain’t never done nothing to hurt you girl.

Uncle Rob was sitting back watching the whole exchange and hadn’t said one word up until now. What’s wrong with you Rissa? You know you’re supposed to put stuff back where it belongs. You’re normally such a good girl. Kenny was just telling me about your good report card and I had sumthin for ya, now I don’t know, I don’t think you deserve it.

He sat back in his chair and they both just watched me. I knew this must have been some kind of trick but I couldn’t figure it out. All I kept thinking about was the ‘something’ my uncle had for me. He knew how poor we were and that there was never anything ‘extra’ for my siblings and I. We got the bare necessities and the rest of Martha and Kenny’s money went to their partying. I was still hesitant, standing in the middle of the garage, close enough to the door that I thought I could run if anything bad happened. Uncle Rob reached in his pocket and pulled out a $5 bill, Well I guess you don’t want this $5 then maybe I’ll give it to your brother……

What?! Five whole dollars?!?! I had never gotten that much money before at one time for anything!! I immediately started thinking about how far that $5 would take me at the corner store when I got home. Visions of Twinkies, Now and Laters, Pepsi and all my other favorite treats started dancing in my head. I must have been deep in my day dream because uncle Rob was calling my name and stuffing that money back in his pocket.

Well Rissa, go tell your brother to come out here so I can give him this money since you don’t want it.

I had been so consumed in my fantasies of candy I hadn’t seen Kenny put the garage door down. Once I noticed, the panic started to set in again. I was trapped in the garage with the two of them. The panic was rising steadily but it was in direct conflict with wanting that money. No, by today’s standards $5 is not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things, but this was 1978. I had known nothing but hard times in my almost 9 years of life. There were nights when I went to bed hungry. Times when our electricity was shut off or we had no hot water. Hell, I had even been forced to using discarded newspaper to wipe my ass before.

Even though we lived in one of the worst neighborhoods on the South Side of Chicago and most of the kids I went to school with were equally as poor as I was, my family was considered the poorest. The difference between our family and some of the others was most of them had someone that cared-if it wasn’t one of the parents it was normally an aunt or grandmother that made sure the kids were cared for. Even though Martha had 12 siblings, everyone tended to mind their own business. Martha made sure that the things that went on in our house remained there. My aunts and uncles knew our situation wasn’t the greatest, but none of them ever intervened.

So, as scared as I was , I still stood there wanting the money. Ok, ok, ok! I’m sorry! I’ll put the bike away! Please, please, please! I want the money don’t give it to Spoony!

I lunged at my uncle trying to grab for his pocket where he’d stuffed the money.

Whoa, whoa girl! Calm down! I’m gonna give you the money but first I gotta make sure you deserve it. Uncle Rob laughed and looked at Kenny. Now let me think….how you gonna prove to Uncle Rob you a good girl?

But you said I could have it for getting good grades. I folded my arms across my chest and stuck out my lip. I was beginning to pout.

Yeah, that was before you started sassin grown folks. Now you gotta show uncle how much you want it. Come here girl. He spread his arms beckoning me to come give him a hug. I looked over at Kenny to make sure he was still in the same place and wasn’t moving closer to me. I knew something I wouldn’t like was going to eventually happen in that garage on that day; they had knowingly used the one thing that would lure me in there with them without a fight. At this point, I was willing to do just about