Even They Have Secrets

By Adrienne Baldwin

Sister Mary Gerard and Marie has developed a unique relationship because of their common struggles. Sister Mary Gerard, despite her role as a nun, has been struggling to deal with the complications that occurred before she took her vows. She can no longer hide behind her work and using her own experiences to advise others is no longer enough. She finally understands, the hard way, that anything that she has tried to bury will eventually rise to the surface. With each step to confront her problems, more obstacles arise. She struggles to find hope in the most dire situation. Her life becomes the perfect example to her clients but she doesn't believe it. And she wants to.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Adrienne Baldwin
• Release date: May 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476429007

Adrienne Baldwin

I am 28 years old and currently live in Birmingham, Alabama. I recently finished my Masters in Social Work and am moving to Phoenix, Arizona to complete my PhD. I have been writing since 5th grade and attended my first writer's conference for elementary and middle school children. Most of my time was spent writing poetry and short stories but I always wanted to write a novel. But I never had the time. Then I was fired from a job I hated and a few weeks later my father surprised me with a laptop. I believe that was the universe telling me I no longer had an excuse to put off my dream. Writing will always be a major part of my life and I hope to keep publishing novels until my fingers are too brittle to move. I hope you enjoy my work and please feel free to give feedback. The worst thing I can do as a writer is remain stagnant in my skills. Your advice and criticism can help me continue to develop and continue telling stories you want to hear.

Book preview

Even They Have Secrets

By Adrienne Baldwin

Even They Have Secrets

By Adrienne Baldwin

Cover Art by Amy Anderson

Copyright 2012 Adrienne Baldwin

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition , License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com. Thank you for your support.

Dedication

This novel is dedicated to my mother for constantly reminding me the possibilities are limitless and so is my potential. To my love for being exceptionally supportive. And to all of those whose encouragement left me without any doubts in my ability to tell my stories.

Chapter 1

Sister Mary Gerard sits at her donated mahogany desk carefully looking over her notes for her discussion, nervously glancing at the clock on her desktop. She has been speaking to young girls for 13 years now, yet the anxiety persists. It is 10:45am and she has 15 minutes before a small group of 30 will be joining her, their decision to participate in her vocation hinging on her every word. The number of girls wanting to be sisters has been dwindling over the years, and the pressure to bring more women into religious service is surmounting.

Sister, the girls are ready for you Sister Mary Robert says as she walks toward her desk.

Do I look okay? I don’t want to look too matronly.

Despite the minute superficiality, Sister Gerard tries to appeal to her audience’s obsession with fashion, showing that a life dedicated to God does not mean they have to give up their individuality.

You look beautiful.

Sister is wearing a black knee length skirt with a pink knit crew neck shirt and a white eyelet blazer. Still a young woman herself in her late 30’s, she still prides herself in looking presentable; she doesn’t believe God would mind too much if she took a little time to make sure that the impression she gives to the community is one of sophistication and class. The world doesn’t always allow you to come as you are, even for those women serving God.

Sister slides off her comfy slippers and puts on her modest black flats and takes a quick glance in the mirror. The beautiful brunette curls that were in her hair when she left the apartment this morning had fallen due to the stifling humidity; she takes a couple of bobby pins and puts up her hair. Perfect she says. She grabs her blazer that had been slung on the back of her chair and walks, note-cards in hand, to the conference room where her audience eagerly awaits.

The room where the girls wait imitates the setup of an elementary school classroom. There are religious posters of the Pope, the Vatican, Christ, and Mary on the walls and a crucifix hanging over a whiteboard with the words The Real Life of a Sister written at the top. The small chatter in the room mixes with the blaring central air conditioning that took years for the sisters to raise the money to get; previously they settled for wall units that still left the sisters asking for donated fans. The mix of heat and humidity would leave them breathless.

As sister walks to the front of the room, she focuses on the calming sky blue walls and her friend Sister Robert sitting in the front, her black pants skimming the floor, completely covering her pink kitten heels; her blue cardigan open, revealing a plain white button up shirt. Sister Gerard takes a deep breath.

Good morning girls.

Good morning Sister, they all say in unison.

Before we begin, I’d like you to move your chairs in a circle.

Suddenly there is the loud noise of 120 chair legs rubbing against the hardwood floor and a burst of chattering as the girls try to fit in a little more of their conversation before focusing their attention once again to Sister Gerard.

My name is Sister Mary Gerard and I have been a member of the Sisters of St. Maria Goretti for 16 years. Today I just want to tell you a little about myself, about our order here, and answer any questions you may have about living a religious life.

Sister glances around the room, looking into each of their eyes, attempting to gauge their level of interest. If she asks how many are thinking about becoming nuns or sisters, of course all of them would raise their hands. Based on their body language and eye contact, she has to judge whether this was a serious consideration or just something their parents made them do. As her eyes meet each of them, she notices name tags. Sister smiles, thinking of previous presentations where she flustered trying to remember each girls name.

"I was actually around you all’s age when I decided to become a nun. I knew I was supposed to do something different with my life when my friends were all dreaming of their fantasy weddings and future husbands, and I was thinking about mission trips and creating charitable organizations. I know you’ve all heard about ‘the call.’

Everyone in the room giggles a little. She has encountered countless women who thought one awe inspiring moment in their lives would make their purpose perfectly clear.

I didn’t have that one moment where I saw God and saw my life and knew in that second what God wanted me to do. I struggled. Was I supposed to be the working single woman? Was I supposed to be the working mom? Or the stay at home mom? Was I supposed to be a nun? And I looked for that moment. I waited for that call. I waited for that experience to show me who I was supposed to be. And it never came.

She knows she needs to engage them. Every teenager has ADD, especially when talking about religion or the future.

Raise your hand if you were taught or believed that something would happen in your life and you would just suddenly know your purpose.

Every girl raises her hand.

Well I’m here to tell you to stop waiting and just live. I thought about joining a religious order all through high school, but I wasn’t sure until I got to college.

A red head raises her hand.

Yes…Abby?

Sister, what happened in college to make you decide that it was the right choice for you?

Sister is always prepared for this question and has given the same story.

Good question Abby. In college, I began to study theology. I also became part of a service organization in school. While in this organization, I slowly began to realize that service was what I wanted to dedicate my life to. My friends were getting boyfriends. They were talking about their white picket fences, suburban two story houses, and corporate careers and none of that was in the future I had imagined for myself. Ladies, there is no call or voice to wait to hear; God will speak through you and help you realize, through your own self-awareness, your path in life, whatever that may be,

She could see they were starting to relax; she could see the relief on their faces when they realized they would have a lecture free Saturday. Sister Gerard glances at the clock on the wall…20 minutes left.

If you decide that a life of service is your path, there are many different orders out there to choose and I would really take the time and speak to people to figure out the best one for you. Saint Maria Goretti is the patron saint for youth, and I knew I wanted to work with young people. I knew I wanted to affect their lives in a positive way. Since I have been here, we have been able to expand our services beyond mentoring and tutoring. We continue those services, but we also run a safehouse for young girls in trouble, whether they be in abusive relationships, pregnant, addicted to drugs of any kind, or just need help getting through a crisis. We offer counseling and have professionals on staff to assist. We offer different classes from child-birth, knitting, swimming, and even cooking. We as an order strive to contribute wholly to the community.

She glances at the clock again. 10 minutes. She glances down at her cards.

So, what would you like to know about me? You can ask me anything?

A girl’s soft voice comes from the corner. Anything?

Anything. Sister smiles as she makes eye contact with the girl who had decided to rip her name tag off.

Did you grow up in a strict Catholic household?

Yes I did. However I never felt any pressure to become a nun or sister. Actually, my parents never brought up the subject. I grew up in a household where it was my duty, as the only child, to produce grandchildren and have a big family and marry a rich man. Neither of my parents saw a religious life in my future.

Did they agree with your choice to become a nun?

Sister glances in the direction of the question, noticing a blonde looking anxious and nervous.

Well…they were shocked to say the least. But, no good Catholic parents could object to their daughter deciding to live a life of service. They were extremely supportive.

What if you aren’t Catholic? says the same voice.

Well….Katherine….you would have to convert to Catholicism first and practice the faith for two years and then you could begin your work to become a nun or sister.

They are different? a young Hispanic girls asks.

Yes they are. Technically a nun lives in a convent and wears a habit. You know…like in Sister Act. They take the vows of poverty, obedience, and chastity. A Sister however does not live in a convent and does not necessarily take the same vows, and the vows can differ depending on the order. I took the vows of purity, simplicity, and charity. Were some of you surprised when Sister Mary Robert walked in not wearing a habit?

A few heads nod around the room.

Well….that is why it is important to ask questions and do a little research. I live in an apartment with some of my fellow sisters, I wear plains clothes, and I work just like your parents. The difference is that I add daily mass, confession, prayer, and meditation into my routine. And my work is all about service. Traditional nuns believe they can better serve the Lord in prayer whereas we believe our greatest service to God would be in action. Neither is better and neither is more fulfilling than the other; it is about choice.

The skeptical girl in the corner leans forward and raises her hand. Have you ever wanted to leave? Have you ever regretted your choice?

Sister Gerard sits back in her chair for a moment. She silently debates between the politically correct advantageous answer and the truth.

Yes ma’am I have thought about leaving. It is not easy living a life like ours and requires major adjustments. There are sacrifices with choosing this life. I have not however regretted my choice. I am happy and I could not imagine a more fulfilled and satisfying life than the one I have now.

Sister glances at the clock again. I think we have time for a few more questions. No one raises their hand. She could see in some of their eyes the desire to ask a question and then hesitate.

Would you like to know my birth name?

A collective yeah echoes in the room.

My birth name is Allyson Lilian Bishop. I was born right here in Birmingham, Alabama and I am 37 years old.

Do you have to do this when you are young? I mean, what if I decide to have the husband and the family and then decide to be a part of the order? Can I do that?

Let’s see….Emma? Well Emma there is no age limit on when you can become a nun. Plenty of women decide to take the vows later in life after they have had many different experiences. This is not a life meant for everyone, and you have to be ready to accept the life before you can fully join into the sisterhood. Okay…I think I have time for one more question.

Did you ever have a boyfriend?

The whole room giggles after the usual collective oooooh. Sister smiles…for her it’s another typical question from curious minds.

In high school…yes I did have a boyfriend. His name was Thomas and we dated my junior and senior years in high school. Before you are certain of your path, don’t deprive your life of any experiences. Date, hang out with friends, go to college….those experiences will help you decide.

Sister looks out of the door to see Sister Mary Patrick standing outside, letting her know that lunch has arrived and is setup on the patio.

Well ladies, I believe it is time for lunch. As a nice little surprise, I had lunch catered for you and we are going to have it outside on the patio. Don’t worry…it’s screened in. The heat won’t be too bad.

The girls get up, put their seats back, and start to walk to the back patio area just finished at the beginning of the summer. Sister wanted somewhere outside the girls could sit, talk and hang out with each other. A patio company was generous enough to donate the materials and labor.

If you have anymore questions ladies, feel free to ask.

The ladies proceed outside led by Sister Patrick. Sister Gerard sits in a chair for a moment with her head in her hand. Sister Robert sits beside her, placing her hand on her shoulder.

It’s okay Allyson.

Sister Gerard lifts her head, her hazel eyes watering.

Let’s just go outside with the girls.

They both get out of their chairs, turn off the light, and walk to the patio where most of the girls have already gotten their food. The girls had spread out amongst the many circular patio tables. Some had even decided to sit on the stairs leading down to the garden that Sister Robert had planted herself. The food was spread out over long square tables and it was almost bare when the Sisters had gotten there. Two of the tables were empty, the afternoon sun beaming right down upon them. They glance around the area.

What do you think they are talking about? Sister Gerard asks.

The usual. Boys, school, boys.

They both smile and laugh, Sister Robert pulling her curly red hair into a ponytail.

Grace, do you think any of them are serious about joining us?

Sister Robert looks at her and just shrugs her shoulders.

Sister Gerard walks over to a table of 5 girls. So how is everything?

It’s great, thank you Sister, one girl says politely. Over the years, Sister has learned how to decipher the language of teenage girls. As she looks at each one, she concludes they are the girls obligated to come, either by a parent or the Catholic school they were forced to attend. Sister scans the patio area again, noticing a brunette sitting by herself. Sister goes to the food table, grabs a sandwich and water and sits with her.

So, are you enjoying yourself?

The girl nods her head.

What’s your name?

Madison, the girl says as she tucks her hair behind her ears.

How old are you?

16.

Sister looks at her for a moment, realizing there is something hidden behind those beautiful green eyes. Madison was obviously uncomfortable in a room with the other girls in their Forever 21 and Gap outfits, and the shoes they got on sale at the Nine West store.

So Madison, where do you go to school?

Blessed Sacrament High School.

Oh…that’s a great school. Do you like it?

It’s okay.

Why just okay?

Well…Sister I don’t really fit in with the other students.

Ahhh. Well what makes you different from them?

I don’t have money. I don’t have cute clothes or a car. I’m not really interested in boys…

Madison hesitates a moment.

What else?

It’s not really cool to want to be a nun. I mean it’s a Catholic school but most of the students don’t think it’s cool.

Why do you want to be a nun?

I enjoy helping others and I enjoy doing charity work.

Well you don’t have to be a nun to do those things. There are plenty of people out there who do that on a regular basis without joining a religious order.

I know but there is something about dedicating your life to something beyond yourself, beyond your own life and existence. There is something amazing and beautiful about giving your life to the service of others and living a life close to God.

Sister smiles.

That is wonderful Madison. I know it is hard dealing with the pressures of high school but I promise things will get better. Be confident in what you want to do with your life. I can already tell you are very intelligent, smart, bright, and you are a special young lady. And you are lucky.

Madison gives her a look of disbelief, wondering how she could be lucky. Lucky isn’t getting picked on, not having friends, and spending most of her time alone.

You are. At the age of 16, you know what you want to do with your life. You have a sense of purpose and a sense of self-awareness that takes most people until they are in their 20’s to discover.

Madison begins to smile.

You are a beautiful young woman, inside and out, and you will be a wonderful nun. But don’t forget to enjoy your youth and take your time to decide the best path for yourself. Can you do that for me?

Yes Sister, I can.

And another thing. I think maybe we should go and sit with those girls over there.

She points at another table of girls already speaking with Sister Robert.

Come on. It will be fun.

As she gets up from her chair, Madison remains seated.

I know it is not easy starting conversation with new people. There is always the fear they may not like you, but I am right here. You will be fine.

Without saying anything, Madison gets up out of her seat, grabs her water, and follows Sister to the other table.

Hi Ladies. Would you mind if Madison and I joined you at your table. We were just discussing why Madison wanted to join a religious order and she was telling me about her journey in making this decision.

Madison sits at the table next to Sister Gerard.

So Madison, says Sister Robert, what is it you like about the idea of becoming a sister.

And suddenly, Sister saw a light in her eyes. She saw a little bit of confidence and heard the passion in her voice. Everyone at the table listened to her journey to making this decision. The other girls at the table began to engage her and ask questions. They were laughing, giggling, and even exchanging phone numbers. Both Sisters quietly slip away from the table.

Allyson, you were meant for this, Sister Robert says as they lean against the back wall of the patio.

Why do you say that?

In just a few minutes you transformed Madison.

I wouldn’t say transformed, but I could see the loneliness in her eyes and I just needed to do something about that. I had to let her get past her own fear, even if it was just for today.

Sister Robert glances at her watch.

I think now would be a good time to take them to the house.

Ladies, in just a few minutes, Sister Robert begins after standing, Sister Gerard and I are going to take you next to see Cherish, the House of St. Agnes. Finish up your lunch and we will be on our way in about five minutes.

Sister Robert tells Sister Gerard she will return in a couple of minutes, and walks to her office to call next door to let Sister Mary Theresa, the director of the safehouse, know that the girls would be over in five minutes.

Sister Robert walks back to the group and with Sister Gerard at her side, leads them to the safehouse.

Ladies, Sister Gerard begins, this is Cherish, my pride and joy. This is where I spend most of my day and even some of my nights. This is the work that I enjoy so much and the place that brings me so much joy.

As they walk through the door, a woman with short blonde hair wearing a pink button up shirt, gray pants, and black flats walks toward them.

Girls, this is Sister Mary Theresa. She will be giving you your tour today. She is the director of Cherish and any questions you have, she will be able to answer for you.

Good morning ladies. Let me begin by telling you a little about myself and what I do here.

As Sister Theresa begins her introduction, Sister Gerard slips out and walks back to her office in the building next door. Exhausted, she sits down in her chair. The light coming into her office is shining directly on her soft white couch, and it seemed to be taunting her, inviting her to take just a short nap. When she is about to indulge, she looks at the picture of the Blessed Mother hanging next to her bookshelf stacked with multitudes of religious books and some hidden popular novels to read during her lunch.

It was always the Blessed Mother who encouraged her to go on when she was tired and exhausted, but today she is so overwhelmed, not even her life’s inspiration could keep her from taking a moment to close her eyes and relax her mind. As she puts her head down, Sister Robert knocks on the door, and sits in one of her navy chairs in front of her desk.

Tired? Sister Robert asks.

Yes.

So what is your general consensus about the girls today?

Honestly, some of them were very difficult to read. I did feel a connection with Madison. She is extremely interested in a religious vocation and we need to make sure she gets the information she needs. Did you get their contact information?

Yes ma’am I did.

Thank you Grace. Do you think I have time to take a nap?

Both ladies laugh at the idea of taking even more than five minutes to sit and relax. There is a patio that needs to be cleaned.

I guess we should take care of the mess outside.

That can wait. I need to talk to you about something important Allyson.

Sister Gerard looks into Sister Robert’s green eyes with concern. Okay, Sister Gerard says hesitantly, and worried.

Have you ever thought about telling the girls the truth? Sister Robert asks.

Sister Gerard sighs and folds her arms across her chest.

I know it is not easy to talk about but the truth could have a greater impact than you could imagine. Most of them are afraid they aren’t perfect enough to be sisters or nuns. Wouldn’t it be good to know that even Sisters don’t have perfect lives.

She continues sitting in silence listening to her friend.

Allyson, it’s just a suggestion and you know it would be good for both you and the girls. Even the girls you counsel would benefit. Please, just think about it. I’ll go clean up the patio and you take a few minutes and rest before Sister Theresa calls.

Sister Gerard watches her walk away, persistent in her silence, drumming her fingers on the top of her desk. The phone rings.

Sister Gerard, the ladies are done with their tour.

We will be right over.

Sister grabs her business cards.

Sister Robert she yells, the ladies are done. I’m going to go over and speak to them. Can you get Bernie to get the van to take them back to the community center?

Yes, consider it done.

Sister walks in the door, all of the ladies huddled in little groups. Sister notices Madison in her own clique, and smiles.

Ladies, she spoke loudly, thank you so much for spending this afternoon with us. I hope that you all take everything you have seen today and seriously think about joining our order, or at least volunteering with us once a month. I’m going to give each one of you my card, so if you have any questions, feel free to call. Also, if you want to just stop by and talk…about anything…please feel free.

Sister Gerard turns her attention to her left, Thank you Sister Theresa.

Sister leads them all outside where Bernie and Gus are waiting with the vans to take them back to the community center. As Sister is saying goodbye to all of them, Madison approaches her.

Thank you Sister, she says as she gives her a hug. After a long embrace and without another word, she climbs onto the van, turning a moment to smile, and sits down with one of the girls she met. As the engines start on the vans, they close the van doors and wave to the girls as they disappear down 2nd Avenue North.

It’s been a long day, Sister Gerard says as they walk back inside. I hope I inspired some of them to at least consider a religious life.

We can only pray Allyson.

Sister Gerard goes to her office and sits in her chair. She looks at her schedule. Beyond the usual church, teaching Sunday School, and helping at the women’s shelter Sunday, all she needs to do is drop by the Safehouse to make sure the daily operations are going smoothly.

Grace, are you ready to go hun?

Just give me one second. I’m just finishing up.

Sister Gerard turns off her computer, grabs her purse, and double checks to make sure she has everything she needs.

Are you coming in tomorrow? Sister Robert asks standing at the office door.

I think I’m coming after Sunday school just to see if they need help with anything. Why do you ask?

I was thinking about coming in to do some preparations for our novices joining next month.

How many are there?

Suddenly Sister Robert’s expression is one of disappointment.

Only 5.

Five! That’s great Grace. Why do you look so unhappy?

It’s just less than what I expected with all of the presentations we gave to different schools in the area and speaking to the parishes in our diocese.

Five is a blessing Grace. Five more dedicated young women will allow us to do more in the community and perhaps start more programs. It’s the most we’ve had in a long time. Cheer up!

Sister Gerard links her arm with hers and Sister Robert smiles.

You are right, Sister Robert struggling to at least grin.

Of course I am.

They both laugh as Sister Robert locks the office door. Sister Gerard drives to St. Peter while Sister Robert glances at some work papers.

Are you coming in? she asks as she parks the car.

Nah, I’ve already been today. I think I’ll sit in the courtyard and meditate a little. It would do me some good to relax.

Sister Gerard walks into the church, dabs into the Holy Water, and makes the sign of the cross. The door to the Confessional is closed, so she kneels in a pew and waits. She thinks about the future of their order and thanks God for the blessing of five new young ladies to join them. As she prays, she hears the door to the confessional open. She walks into the confessional and sits.

In the name of the Father, the son, and the Holy Spirit. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been one day since my last confession.

What is your confession, my child?

I have lied Father. I have lied to girls who are seeking the truth from me. But Father, I am ashamed of the truth. I am ashamed to tell them of my past.

What do you think will happen if you tell the truth?

I believe I will disappoint the church. I believe the truth will hurt the mission of the church more than it will help. It will hurt my mission.

What is your mission?

I want to help young women who are struggling. I want to bring young women into religious vocations. I want to improve the lives of youth. I want to give the young people in this community a home…if they don’t have one.

And how will the truth keep you from completing your mission?

These young women look up to me; they look up to us. They look to us for guidance. I’m sure my past will change how they see me, and perhaps keep them from coming to me for assistance.

So this is more about you than them?

She pauses for a moment.

Am I being selfish Father? Am I allowing my own fear of judgment to hinder me from making a real impact in the lives of the teenagers I encounter everyday?

The only judgment that should concern you is that of God. God knows your heart. Whatever may happen once the truth is exposed, it will be better than the burden you are carrying by keeping it a secret.

But Father, right now it’s my burden. By telling my truth, won’t I also be giving that burden to someone else?

What makes you think your friends will consider that a cross for them to bear? They will feel overjoyed you felt enough confidence in your sisterhood to trust them with such a deep part of yourself.

That sounds too good to be true.

Open your eyes my dear. Don’t let your fear of the worst possible outcome cloud your perception of the relationship you have with your Sisters. I hope you see and feel the love they have for you.

I do Father but…

Then why question that love. Their love led you here; why wouldn’t that love also do whatever possible to keep you present in their lives?

Father’s words knock the breath out of her already straining lungs, and she is unable to speak, yet alone catch her breath.

I don’t know what to say Father.

You don’t have to say anything. Just think about what I’ve said. I sense your faith in God is unwavering, but your faith in people is fragile and unstable. And your faith in yourself is nonexistent.

I sound like an awful person.

You are a beautiful person. I have a feeling some things have happened in your life that left you unable to turn to anyone but God. I’m certain you will learn to trust.

Thank you Father. I feel a little battered.

That was not my intention dear.

I know Father, I know. I needed to hear the truth.

Father waits for any response, and after two minutes of silence, asks her if there is anything else he can do help.

Just pray for me Father.

Of course; you don’t have to ask.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit I absolve you of your sin. As an act of penance, I would like you to say two Hail Mary’s and really pray for God’s strength and courage in your journey in finally letting go.

Thank you Father.

She walks to a pew, sits for a moment, and then kneels.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen. God, help me to finally let go of the lie. Help me to let go of the shame. Amen.

Sister Gerard walks out of the church to the courtyard to find Sister Robert sitting in front of the fountain on a bench with her eyes closed, humming. She quietly sits next to her. .

Isn’t Confession supposed to make you feel better?

Not every time. Sometimes you hear things you don’t want to Allyson.

Even with her eyes still closed, she can feel the look Sister Gerard is giving.

Don’t look at me like that Allyson. We both know what this is about. We both know what you need to do. Maybe this time you will listen.

I’m scared, she says with tears in her eyes. I heard Father Richard. I know he is right. I know I am afraid of being judged by my peers and by the ladies who visit us. But I am a nun. I have an image of purity to uphold. I am supposed to be the poster child for a good Catholic woman.

Allyson, no one, not even God, expects you to be perfect. You are the only one with that expectation. Perhaps showing the young women we help that your life is not perfect and you’ve had to make difficult choices will show them that they can also move forward in their lives and overcome obstacles.

Sister Gerard closes her eyes and takes in the smell of the hydrangeas, lilies, and tulips. She allows herself to melt into the sound of the water coming down over the stone fountain that empties into the church fish pond. They both sit for another 15 minutes in silence, feeling the air slowly growing cooler as the sun begins to set.

Grace, it’s time to go. One of us has to cook dinner.

Sister Robert laughs.

Allyson, it will be okay, Sister Robert says as she embraces her. You are stronger than you think you are my friend.

The only voices heard during the drive home were those of Melissa Block and Michele Norris of All Things Considered on NPR. Sister Robert thought that anything she could have said to help the situation may end up doing the opposite.

I see Lisa is already home, Sister Robert says as they pull into a parking space in front of their apartment. Sisters Gerard, Robert, Patrick, and Luke all