Forever, Sweet Love

By Eryn Grace

*** Based on Christian Morals--Christian Romance ***

Pastry chef, Cheri Duncan, thinks her life ended when her fiancé was killed while in the Navy a year ago. While crying on the ferry on Puget Sound, she contemplates jumping overboard.

Bryan Kirkwood, an oral surgeon, approaches her. He lost his wife three years ago on the same day. He tells Cheri that she has to move on. Bryan teaches her how to enjoy life, even though he's fighting his own battles with his mother while raising three young daughters.

Cheri and Bryan both have an uphill climb, but faith and their growing love will help them succeed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eryn Grace
• Release date: Mar 20, 2012
• ISBN: 9781938350016

Eryn Grace

Eryn Grace makes her home in Wisconsin, with her husband, three grown children, and various pets. She writes as all author names on www.SweetTaleBooks.com. See her website at www.eryngrace.com.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Cheri Duncan watched the water in Puget Sound, which was the final resting place of her fiancé's ashes a year earlier. Tears dropped from her lashes while the sides of the ferry pushed away small waves.

How could life be so tough? Josh was the one man in her life who'd believed in her and the one man who'd wanted her to fulfill her dream. When he died, her own life fell apart because she missed him so much. She felt as hollow as the chocolate eggs she filled every Easter—just a shell of a person. The numbness set in the moment she heard of his death and never truly left her fingers. She was forever cold to life and her emotions.

As she stared down at the water again, she imagined Josh's face in each wave and every ripple, making her sob more fully. She never wanted the memory of his face to leave her head. Even in her dreams, she thought of his smile, his laugh, and the way his hug reassured her. However, when she woke, it was always the same darkness in her heart surrounding her life.

Tears poured down her face as the sobs overtook her, making her shudder while gasping for air. How could she go on? If she jumped into the water and forced herself to stay under, would she see Josh again? Who would even care if she wasn't alive?

Not a soul. She had no one left because Josh had been her world. With him gone, everything had collapsed before her very eyes.

Cheri lowered her head to her arms resting on the side of the ferry and closed her eyes while she cried. She wanted to hold him again. She wanted to marry him. She wanted to start a family and achieve her lifetime goals with him at her side.

It wasn't to be. Everything went kaput when he was killed. At least he'd been doing something he loved and believed in.

Miss? a male voice said.

Cheri lifted her eyes to see a nice-looking man approach her. I'm sorry. She wiped her eyes. I didn't mean to bother anyone. I'll move over to the other side. She took a few steps away but stopped when his hand touched her arm.

Don't go away, he said. What's the matter?

She furrowed her eyebrows, wondering what sort of man would ask such a thing to a stranger. Was he a crazed lunatic? Should she be afraid of him? He looked normal to her, like someone to be respected. Even if it were safe, why would he ever ask that?

You really don't want to know, she said. I'll just be over here. She pointed at the other side of the ferry and took a few steps.

He touched her arm again, stopping her. Don't go. I want to make sure you're okay. I'll worry about you all night if you just walk away from me.

Short, dark brown hair framed his round face as his blue eyes twinkled. He seemed to be in his mid-30s. Josh would've turned 28 next month.

Her eyes filled with tears once again, just remembering Josh. I'll be fine.

Look, he said. We have some time left on this ferry and I want to know you're going to be okay.

She wiped her cheeks again. I'll be fine.

Come over to the side with me. I promise I won't bite. The man smiled, his gorgeous white teeth filling his mouth. What was it about him that made her stare an extra moment? Even though she was intrigued, she was also scared. She had to give him the benefit of the doubt because that was her nature.

~~~~~

Chapter 2

"Why would you care about me? she asked. I'm a stranger."

You're a person, too—a beautiful brunette with light brown eyes. Now tell me why you're crying.

She sighed and stepped back to the side, watching out over the water. My fiancé died about a year ago. Today's the anniversary of when I dumped his ashes in this water. I came out here to tell him I missed him. The tears started again so she swiped them away, while still staring out over the sound.

You dumped the ashes here? he whispered. Is that legal?

No. She chuckled. I did it when no one was watching and it was dark outside. She wiped her eyes again, feeling the tears. I didn't know what else to do because he loved the water. Josh was in the Navy and was shot trying to help someone else. She reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope. I got this letter yesterday from Shane, the man Josh saved. Tears filled her eyes and trickled down her cheeks while her throat tightened. He feels so guilty for Josh dying, but I can't help Shane alleviate the guilt. It wasn't his fault. It was the man with the gun over in Thailand that killed Josh. Not this guy. She covered her eyes again while holding the letter and just sobbed.

Let it out, the man said. The only way you can move on is to let it out.

After moving her hands away from her face, the tears still fell. I don't want to move on. You don't get it. I don't want to forget Josh. If I move on, no one will ever remember him. I'm all he has. With me remembering, he can live on in these small waves.

What's your name?

Should she tell him? He seemed safe enough for her to tell him her first name, at least. It's Cheri.

He leaned over slightly, letting his forearms rest on the side of the boat. I want to tell you something. Exactly three years ago, on this date, my wife died of ovarian cancer. It was our wedding anniversary and we'd been married seven years when she died. I thought I died when she left us, never knowing if I'd ever have a normal life again. Since we had three wonderful daughters, I wasn't allowed to grieve like most people. Give yourself time to grieve, to remember the good times, but you have to move on with your life or you won't be honoring your fiancé. I learned that firsthand. My wife wouldn't have wanted me drowning in my loss when our children needed me to be strong. He paused for a moment. Do you think Josh would want you to die right along with him? That's what you're doing by denying yourself your life.

You don't understand, she whispered.

Yes, I do. It's been three years for me. You'll understand this someday, but you have to keep living to honor Josh.

No, I don't. This stranger couldn't possibly understand how she felt. I miss him so much it hurts. She wrapped her arms around her stomach to stop the heartache.

He stared out over the water again. She was sure he was angry with her, but she didn't care. Her world had fallen apart when Josh died.

Do you ever go to church? he finally asked.

No. She grunted. Josh went to church and carried a Bible with him everywhere he was stationed. Look where that got him.

The man smiled. I think Josh had a lot to live for, too. He didn't leave you on purpose. At least know he's probably in Heaven because he was a believer.

I don't know that for sure. No one would. She could only sigh, letting her shoulders sag in defeat. The moment that bullet went through his chest, the man might as well have shot me himself, because I died when that happened.

You're still breathing, right?

Yeah. Sort of.

He shifted more fully toward her while still leaning against the side. Sort of? What does that mean?

She peered out over the water once again, seeing another ferry further north. I was head chef at L'Exquisite Restaurant when Josh died. They gave me the news at night, after I got home, and brought me his ashes. The Thai government had him cremated right away, before the next of kin was notified. I was his next of kin because he had no one left in his family. I was angry that they never told me he'd died, but the military man who brought me the ashes and flag told me there was nothing they could do. That night, I was so numb that I couldn't do anything. I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep. I only sat and stared into space. I couldn't even cry, because I was so numb and alone.

The man sighed, and she was certain he'd just walk away, but he stayed put and never said a word.

The full weight of losing Josh all over again made her even sadder about her own life. I had no one who'd listen either, so it was just those ashes left. I stared at them all night long, and went to work the next day. I couldn't do my job because I was so tired. I was finally demoted to pastry chef. I go through the motions of life, but sometimes, I have to remind myself to breathe. I died when Josh died. I've got nothing left and even my career is shot.

Head chef demoted to a pastry chef? Are you still there?

Yes, but only because the boss liked my work ethic. Now—I'm not even sure. I had big dreams for my life, but I can't do them anymore.

He nodded as if he understood. You can't move on.

She met his gaze. "I don't want to move on. If I do that, Josh won't live in my heart anymore. You really don't understand how hard this is for me. I trained for years at a culinary school, apprenticed with a few really good chefs, and had everything going for me, until a year ago, when everything fell apart. My fingers are still numb, which is why I'm a pastry chef. It's good to have cold hands when working with dough. Before Josh died, I couldn't have done this job, but now, it's all I have left."

He took a moment before he said anything. What were your dreams?

I wanted to become a master chocolatier and open my own shop full of candies. She studied her hands. I can't get the blood to flow into my fingers to do the small things anymore, so I've been reduced to a pastry chef.

He took a step closer and wrapped his fingers around both of her hands, the warmth almost electrical to her skin. You're really cold. That's not good. Have you seen a doctor?

She snorted her disgust and removed her hands from his. They'll just put me on an antidepressant. I can't go through life out of it most of the time.

Instead, you'll go through life half-dead. Is that any better?

He had a point. I don't know. Do you have any other ideas?

Yes, I do. Go to church and connect with people who care. You need to work through this or you'll regret it when you're old and gray. You're entirely too young to give up.

This man seemed insightful, making her consider his words. Do you really think I'm giving up?

He nodded. That's what my daughter Cammie would say. She's only eight, but she's very wise. When my wife, Shelly, died, Cammie's the one who got me out of bed to go to work. She's the one who told me Shelly wouldn't be happy if she walked through that door and saw me wallowing in my own grief.

She was what…about five? And she knew the word wallowing at that age?

The man chuckled. No, but she told me in her own words. My mom came to live with us because I was heartbroken. Granted, I'd known it was coming for some time because Shelly had cancer, but it didn't make it any easier. Death is tough, especially to those left behind. I learned that firsthand. I also know in my heart that she's not in pain anymore. I hope she's watching over us.

Cheri waved him off. I don't think it's that simple, but it's a nice fantasy for you. I take it you were married in June?

Yeah. Today. June second. The day Shelly died. He watched the water. Mom wants me to date again, but I know it's so she can move back to San Francisco for her social life. She said she's in a social coma up here. She's trying to fix me up with any woman close to my age. I want to be picky, though. I can't just date anyone because that won't be fair to my daughters. The woman has to be accepted by them, which is tough.

This guy had it a lot worse than Cheri did. How old are they?

Cammie's eight, Payton is six, and little Myah just turned four. She was too young to remember Shelly, and Payton barely remembers her, but Cammie remembers. They're all encouraging me to date again, but it's got to be on my time and the woman has to be a Christian who likes my kids. My daughters would also have to like the woman, because she'd become their stepmom.

That cut Cheri out, making the conversation a lot easier. Do you have anyone at work who would fit the bill?

He chuckled. No. I'm an oral surgeon. I don't date patients or employees. That leaves church and my nonexistent social life.

She sighed, gazing out over the water while the sun got lower on the horizon to the west. I don't have a social life, either. I go to work at five in the morning and work until three in the afternoon, with one other person to talk to at work. However, she doesn't like me very much. I get tired around six at night, so I go to bed. That's my day, five days a week. Over the weekend, I watch TV to catch up on anything I taped. She checked her watch. It's almost bedtime.

He chuckled. Do you ever eat dinner?

She shook her head. Not usually, but I do drink tea. I force myself to eat lunch because the business pays for it, but I usually don't even eat everything. It's not worth it, because I can't bring myself to eat. She glanced down over her tiny frame. I've lost a lot of weight, but don't even care anymore.

He darted his eyes down over her, seeming to be concerned. You're going through the motions of life with no purpose. It's very sad to hear to an outsider, but I understand it. However, you do need to eat. He lowered his gaze down over her once more in an obvious motion. You're nothing but skin and bones. Stress isn't good. Do you have medical problems?

She shrugged. I don't even care. If I died, it'd be okay, because I wouldn't have the pain in my heart anymore.

He grunted. I don't like hearing that. Do you drink or take drugs, prescription or otherwise?

She shook her head. Never. I don't want to forget Josh and that'd make me forget everything.

Many people do, just to cope. He took a breath as if thinking about her comments. I have to admire you, because you've let it hit you, taking on life all at once. It's almost too much for you to handle. That's what I did, too, which isn't easy. I used to hurt all over when I did that and wasn't sure I could handle everything. I had people to get me through it. He pointed at the letter in her hand. Are you going to contact this guy?

She shook her head. No. I don't want to hear how Josh died over and over again and I don't want to add his guilt to my life.

You have no one to help you? Not even family?

Family? She'd escaped from them years ago. I don't need anyone. I can do it by myself.

I see that…while crying and feeling numb, unable to function in life.

Even though she hated the thought, he was right. Touché.

He leaned closer to her ear. I'm just pointing out a fact. I think you do need people, and at least a good friend. You have absolutely no one?

She worried she'd cry again, so she kept staring out over the water. No, like I said before. I don't want to bring anyone down with my depression. She summoned up the courage to look at the man's face. What's your name, anyway?

Bryan Kirkwood.

Doctor, right?

Yes, but that's only because Shelly helped me out. She was a CFO for a big insurance company, able to handle her job, the finances, and the kids while I was in school and worked. I had to go to dental school, get surgical and medical degrees, and do more than one residency. I'd been in school for a long time, since before we even got married. She worked the whole time for us to make it. I feel so guilty for that. I should've stopped with my dental degree and left it at that to have a regular 9-5 job, just to spend more time with her and the kids, but she wanted me to do something I always wanted to do.

He was lucky because he had what he wanted out of life, thanks to his dead wife. That was more than Cheri had. Even so, why would he feel guilty? Don't blame yourself. You gave her and the kids a stable life because you're employed.

His eyes darkened to a more serious tone, almost as if he cared. You're employed, too. Don't ever forget it. You studied what you could for your job, getting to be the best. If you were head chef, you're a great cook. Don't ever forget that.

The sadness of her not being able to move on with her dream bothered her, but she saw no way out. I'm not that person anymore.

He leaned closer. That person never left you, but you've buried her so deeply, it's going to take a while to bring her back out again. I have a feeling she's going to come out sometime soon and will finally enjoy life again.

The ferry slowed. Do you honestly think so?

I know so and I'm glad I met you. He shook her hand, the warmth of his skin surprising her yet again. I want you to think about this, he said. I also want you to read the Bible and connect with God. That's the only way you're going to make it, because even Josh knew we all needed God.

Bryan seemed so sure of himself, but nothing in her life even made her consider it. I don't think so. I don't know God. Even if I did, I wouldn't be talking to Him. He let me down and my life is ruined.

He took a step away. That's not even close to the truth. The only person standing in your way is you. You've built up the walls, not allowing yourself to live. It's time to change that attitude and you can do it. I bet Josh would cheer you on, too. He walked with her toward the cars, reached into his wallet, and pulled out a card. Call me if you need any help. I live in Port Orchard.

She took the card from his hand. Port Orchard isn't too far from my apartment.

See? You're not far from civilization. It's time to get on with your life. It won't be the same, but you'll be a little wiser, keeping Josh's memory in your heart.

Thank you, Dr. Kirkwood.

He leaned a little closer. Call me Bryan. After he backed away, he distanced himself by putting a car between them, but still watched her. I want to leave you with something from Jeremiah 31:13, he all but yelled. What God said to give His people hope—'I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing.'

She smiled, not sure of what'd just happened. The words were beautiful, though, and she wanted to remember them. Thank you. It was as if he personally gave her hope for her broken life.

She headed for her car, studying the card in her hand. For some reason, his words stayed with her. Was it because his eyes reminded her of Josh? His face was caring and gentle and he'd helped her work through the trip. Could she move on with her life? Was that even possible? At least Bryan had given her hope. That was more than she'd had for the previous year.

She got into her car and slipped the card and the letter from Shane into her purse. She'd never call Bryan because she didn't want to burden him with her problems. He'd dealt with his wife's death and it had to remind him of his own loss when she cried about Josh.

As she drove off the ferry, her shoulders felt a little bit lighter. Was it because she'd connected with another human being about her grief or was there something in Bryan's discussion that made sense? It was odd, to say the least, but she knew she had to get back to the grindstone in the morning, so she couldn't dwell on a chance meeting with a stranger. Nothing had really changed and everything would be back to the sad darkness by the morning.

~~~~~

Chapter 3

Waking up at four in the morning wasn't that much fun. The sun wasn't up, people weren't awake, and Cheri hated it. The more she thought about it, she hoped for a normal life—married with a few kids—but it could never happen.

She took a shower and dressed, walked out of her tiny apartment complex, and got into her car in the parking lot. The air was full of mist, which was like her life—gloomy.

After dreaming of Josh the night before, her stomach was in knots. Since she'd never been told many of the details of his death, her mind kept thinking up scenarios of what'd really happened. She knew she'd cried during the night because she'd been wakened from her nightmares. She couldn't sleep after that. Even though she was exhausted, she had to focus on driving, taking each moment as it came.

When she got to work, she pulled into her spot just as the owner drove up beside her. She got out of her car and waited for her boss to join her, the cool morning air still smelling like the dissipating mist.

How are you today, Cheri? Jerry asked as he approached her.

She kept her eyes straight ahead. I'm fine.

You don't look that great. What happened?

He was a nice enough man, but she'd never told him more than she had personal issues. He didn't need to know her problems. Nothing much, she said.

He unlocked the door and held it open for her. I'm here when you're ready to talk.

Yeah, just like you tell me every other morning. She tried to smile, but felt the sadness return. People tried to get through to her, but she really couldn't dump her problems on others. However, it'd felt so good the day before to connect with someone else, even with a stranger for a few minutes.

Just know it's true, Jerry said. I'm here and would love to know what's going on. You were my top chef, but just lost it about a year ago, and never wanted to talk about it.

She stopped at her workstation, realizing she had nothing to lose after talking to Bryan the day before. Do you really want to know?

Yeah, I do. You used to smile and talk to everyone, having everything in order and stress free. Then one day, it was as if your best friend died.

Tears clouded her vision. That's what happened. My fiancé was killed in Thailand and no one told me until they brought me his ashes. I was his next of kin because he had no one else. Last night, I went to visit the place where I dumped the ashes, which was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Jerry pointed to the chair at her worktable. Have a seat. I'm glad you finally told me. She sat down and he pulled up a chair beside her, the corner of the square table separating them. I've been worried about you and prayed for you every night for the past year. My wife said I'm obsessed, but can't push you. Tell me what happened last night.

I…uh… She wiped her cheeks. I dumped my fiancé's ashes in Puget Sound a year ago. Last night, I took the ferry over to Seattle, walked around the city, and came back on the ferry to watch the water and cry.

You dumped his ashes in Puget Sound? he asked. Is that legal?

No. She chuckled and wiped her cheeks again. Bryan asked me the same thing.

Who's Bryan?

Some guy I met on the ferry last night. I was probably crying too loudly. He lost his wife three years ago, yesterday, which was also his wedding anniversary. He has three young daughters and told me I have to learn to live again. She put her hand on Jerry's arm. Touch my skin. I'm numb. I can't function. I can't move on because I'm afraid I'll forget Josh. I'm all he had.

He took her hand in his. You are cold.

Always. I live with nightmares all night long. After she moved her hand, she cried some more, gasping for air. I don't know what to do. It's been a year and I can't budge. I'm stuck.

You need help. You need a vacation.

She wiped her cheeks, willing herself to stop crying. I don't need a vacation. I'd really dwell on this, then. I don't know what to do.

Jerry stood up. I'm going to think about this. I need you to get a few pies and cakes done. I hope to have an answer for you by then. Tell me about this Bryan guy.

She stood up, as well, pulled a few things from the pantry, and put them on the table. He's an oral surgeon—Dr. Kirkwood. I don't think I'll ever see him again, because he probably thinks I'm nuts. I don't want to bug him with my problems, either. Let that one go.

I see. He was quiet for a moment and Cheri was certain he'd just walk away. Instead he stayed put. "Let me see what I can do to help. As for you, I want you to talk to the customers today