Tales of the Absurdid

By Gord Oxley

This is a wonderfully imperfect collection of some hopefully funny short stories by a first-time e-author. You will laugh, you will chuckle, you will roll your eyes, you will believe a monkey can type and give his stories away for free.

And if you enjoyed this collection and wanted to post a short review about it, I certainly wouldn't stop you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gord Oxley
• Release date: Mar 3, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466035508

Gord Oxley

Update (September 2012): I just uploaded a second batch of sausages in short-story casing ("Fifty Shades of Tartan and Other Assorted Love Songs") to go with the first batch uploaded in March ("Tales of the Absurdid"). Very fun. Are they good? Oh hell, I don't know. But they're fun to do, and they're free. I'm now a two-time e-writer, but not a two-timing one; I'm a luvva not a playa. Anyhoo, I'm based in Toronto, Canada (the apology capital of the world). Hopefully you'll find some of the intended funny stuff funny. The spaghetti theory is in play here - throw enough of it at a wall and some of it will stick. Hobbies include semi-colons and jogging. Thanks for reading this far; gotta run.

Book preview

Tales of the Absurdid

Some Short, Dumb, and Perhaps

Funny Stories for the

On-The-Go Busy Reader

Just Like You

by Gord Oxley

Copyright 2012 Gord Oxley

Smashwords Edition

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Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free e-book. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

(May I just add parenthetically outside of the official blurb above that you can always contact me as per the About the Author page if you do want to say Hey Gord, 'sup, way to go with this thing, or to, say, use any excerpt for review purposes or something cool like that. Assuming you liked it. Seriously, constructive feedback is welcome. If on the other hand you're looking to review it for something like E-Books Greatest Fails, or chime in anonymously with I will eat you, Gord or How can you satisfy your woman without our patented boner pills? then, um, no rush in getting a hold of me, I guess. Whatevs.)

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A Quick Bit of Background

Most of these stories started out as 20-minute writing challenges, usually just me picking a word or short phrase at random and then plowing ahead without (much) stopping and seeing what came out. Later, some clean-up would occur and in some cases some extra flushing out or editing would happen, but largely these were cranked out with the help of coffee. Ahhh coffee... sweet, dark elixir of the underworld.

Thank Yous and Acknowledgments

For encouragement, advice, humour: Robbo, Ralph, Jane, and Jo. Thanks Jerry for the initial writing exercise inspiration. And huge thanks also to you for actually downloading this. This is one of the few times in this book where I will not try to be cheesy or whatever. Seriously, thanks.

Disclaimers-A-Go-Go

Sorry to buzzkill the good will, but I would be a bad human if I didn't mention to you that there is occasional use of bad language (the usual f's and s's plus one or two other choice bon-bons) in some of these stories. Oh hell, in most of these stories, who am I kidding? Anyhoo, please proceed cautiously if swears make you uncomfortable. And for Pete's sake, don't show those parts to the young or exceptionally impressionable; they got enough going on.

I live and breathe in Canada, so there are some Canadian spellings embedded here, such as flavour (not flavor), theatre (not theater), and morbidly obese (not needs a sammich). Hopefully you will not find these Canadianisms disturbing. If you are in fact unsettled by all of that, then you have my blessings to get a refund for all these free 1's and 0's here in this e-book.

Hopefully I caught all the typos and unintentional bad grammar. If not, then warmly bask in your copy-editing prowess.

Finally, some goofy concepts and bad wordplay are occasionally given room in some of these stories to procreate fornicatingly too. So please have a wet-vac handy as you pore over these musings.

I guess that's about it. Oh wait.

Exclamation Marks!

...galore and a-plenty... here ya go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Q!!!

Okay, that oughta hold you. Done here. Let's roll. God, I hope the TOC links actually work...

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Alchemy

Back

Clouds

Coffee

Death

Gaudy

Glove

Gog

Hernia

Justan Beeburr

Kingdom

Laptop

Life And Death

Month

Moon

Nausea

Nose Blow

Perfection

Plants

Puppy

Race

SLR

Small Things

Some Interesting First Lines

The Old Creaky Body

Universe

Valentine's Day

Vuze

About the Author

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Alchemy

At 10 years old, Bortis was the least successful of Merlin's apprentices. He was not only unblessed with The Gift of the Knack, as Merlin often coached his young charges to have, but he really stopped trying after a while. He had been insulted by Merlin, Marlin, Morlin, Murlin, Mirlin, Myrlin, Meerlin, Moarlin, and Merline (who was Merlin's daughter). Bortis really felt outside of the circle. While Myrlin and the others could perform the dark arts of transposition, ventriloquism, alchemy and spellcasting at an eighth-grade level, Bortis could barely get his wand from stabbing his balls repeatedly.

He was despondent as he sat at the foot of the craggy oak tree, away from the teasings of the others. He called up to the forest sprites, the nymphs, hell even the satyrs, whoever would care to listen. Why am I so forsaken? he shrieked to anonymous plantlife. This was a sour time in Bortis's young and already horrible life.

Suddenly he heard a voice from behind him. Do not be so sad. Bortis started, and turned around to see a tiny apple. Bortis squinted his eyes. Did you just say something to me... apple? He was greeted with silence. He turned back around and glumly thought about his prospects.

Indeed I did, pouty fleshlump. Bortis turned around again to see the apple had moved closer to him. Bortis was skeptical. Say something again, apple, he instructed and crossed his arms, awaiting a response.

What would you have me say, sir? the apple calmly asked, causing Bortis to stumble backwards from his already seated position. The tiniest of mouths moved at the tip of the stem as more apple words issued forth. I can say that I see you are sad and in need of a friend.

Bortis was transfixed. This forest was indeed a magic place where a boy could befriend an apple. Oh apple, I try and try to be as good as the other apprentices but I do not get it. Meanwhile they mock me and my master Merlin is likewise unsympathetic. I do not know what I should do furthermore. The apple sidled up closer to him.

Friend fleshlump, I am not an ordinary apple. If you were to eat me, you would notice a change within yourself the likes of which you have not yet felt. Bortis looked at the apple. Could he indeed eat this newfound friend? That seems so harsh, and he told