How Not to Be a Tourist in London

By PK Munroe

‘How Not to be a Tourist in London’ gives you the inside dope that no other guidebook can provide. Packed with extraorinary facts and literally incredible stories about this great city, 'How Not to be a Tourist' is full of 'it' - secret, hidden, quirky knowledge that most visitors will simply never hear about.
Surprisingly popular among Londoners themselves, this unique book explains everything you need to know, and plenty more, including:
- Why cabbies disapprove of tipping
- When not to 'stand on the right'
- Where to catch a Thames salmon
- How to audition for a West End show
- Local delicacies to order off-menu
...and why you must bring a mousetrap!

'How not to be a tourist in London' is a treasure-trove of remarkable information that even the locals may not be aware of!
ユーモア 風刺

• Language: English
• Publisher: PK Munroe
• Release date: Oct 25, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466150805

PK Munroe

2015 saw the publication of 'The Manopause Manual', an important guide to men of a certain age (but not their wives) about how to make it through this tricky time. Should we get a beard, a sports car, or a shed? Can we ignore modern obsessions with exercise and food? What tips from psychology will help when pitching to our othe half for a lads holiday? The answers are here.His earlier book 'How Not to be a Tourist in London' is now (2015) available as a paperback, fully reviesed and with new chapters. The ebook has also been massively updated. Alleged to be an insider's guide, the curious insights and unexpected facts create an air of uncertainty about how London actually operates. Is it for real?PK's best-known paperback book, You Can Stick It (Dec 2010) is an important milestone in the history of publishing - the first satirical sticker book for grown ups to be produced since the repeal of the Corn Laws. Visit his blog at http://youcanstickit.blogspot.com to look at some example stickers.There's an images-only ebook of 'You Can Stick It' now, so round 70 satirical, surreal and frankly unwise sticker designs can be viewed at a very reasonable price. These stickers are not peelable, however.Munroe's first book, The Thursday Night Letters (2007) outlines schemes and ideas to improve society and make money, generated in the white heat of the innovative furnace that is a London pub on a Thursday evening. Odd but just-plausible concepts were pitched to the Royal family, captains of industry, soccer supremos, and more. The book consists of his letters and their replies. The Guardian called it "a delicious satire" while Peter Jones of BBC TV's Dragons' Den found it "hilarious in the extreme".Now re-named 'The Pub Letters', this is available as an ebook on Amazon, and in all other formats for just $0.99c, from Smashwords

Book preview

HOW NOT TO BE A TOURIST IN LONDON

By

PK Munroe

Copyright 2015 PK Munroe

Smashwords edition.

First published 2011. This new edition revised with new chapters.

~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~ ~

What the reviewers said:

"Incredible"

Urban Salmon Review

"Sensational"

London Guild of Brass Rubbing

"Fantastic"

Royal London Linguistics Institute

"Unbelievable"

Alternative Guide to London Parks

Contents

INTRODUCTION

WHAT TO BRING

WEATHER

GEOGRAPHY

TRAVELLING IN LONDON

UNDERSTANDING THE LOCALS

EATING OUT

PUBS

THE LANGUAGE OF LONDON

LONDON’S MYSTERIES EXPLAINED

ON THE WATER

UNUSUAL THINGS TO DO

SPORTING EVENTS

MONEY-SAVING TIPS

LONDON’S PRACTICAL JOKERS

INTRODUCTION

"It’s a nice place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit there."

(Traditional saying about London)

Nobody likes to be considered a tourist. ‘I’m a traveller, you’re a visitor, he’s a tourist’, as the saying goes. This guide to London aims to get you in under the radar. You will blend in with the locals, seeing their city as they do, and joining in their activities and experiences.

This guidebook does not tell you about the usual things: hotels, restaurants and major sites. Instead, the aim is to give you insights into Londoners’ habits and peculiarities, to show you the customs of the city, and let you discover the hidden secrets and short-cuts that only a seasoned Londoner knows.

These pages also highlight some of the more unusual, interesting and quirky things that London has to offer – well known to the people who live here, but unheard of by the average visitor.

No longer will you be a dreaded ‘tourist’. Your trip to London will acquire a new and deeper dimension, as you start to behave, speak and think like a real Londoner.

~ ~ ~ ~

WHAT TO BRING

The experienced visitor brings a variety of items to help them cope with life in London, including:

A small electric kettle, a vacuum flask, teabags and long-life milk, so you can ‘brew up a cuppa’ in your hotel room, or while out at a museum or gallery. English travellers do this all the time.

Sealable plastic bags or containers in a variety of sizes, to take away your uneaten leftovers from restaurants. Unlike the USA, London does not have the sensible tradition of waiters packing you a ‘doggy bag’ of leftovers. But they are quite happy for you to do this for yourself at the table.

A sharp knife for your steak, sausages, etc. Knives in Britain’s hotels and restaurants are notoriously blunt – a tradition dating back to the Middle Ages, when a sharp dinner knife would all too often be used to settle a quarrel at table, to deadly effect. Waiters are quite accustomed to seeing diners use their own knives. A Swiss Army knife is best.

A bottle-opener, so that you can buy cheap wine from the supermarket and drink it in your hotel room before going out to eat. Every experienced tourist does this, not to mention Londoners themselves. The capital’s restaurants are notorious for marking up wine prices by 300% or more, and there is considerable satisfaction to be had from knocking back a cheap bottle before you go out, and seeing the exact same bottle on the menu at an extortionate price. Tourists 1, Rip-off restaurants 0!

White coat and stethoscope, if you wish to gain access to one of London’s best bargains for the economical tourist: free meals at all the main teaching hospitals (see ‘Money-saving tips’ later in this book).

Mousetraps. For some time now, several of London’s hotels have been overrun with mice – not just the cheap hotels, but four and five star ones too. Of course this has been hushed up to avoid damaging the city’s tourist trade. For the visitor the solution is easy – you just need to bring a couple of mousetraps with you, plus some cheese or chocolate to bait them with.

Note that London mice are fairly small and do not carry any serious diseases. However they are quite bold, so ordering room service is generally to be avoided until you have trapped all the ones in your room. It is thought that these hotel mice are related to the ‘tube mice’ that plague London Underground (see ‘Join the mouse night watch’ later in this book under ‘Unusual things to do’).

~ ~ ~ ~

WEATHER

The geographical basin that holds London, formed millennia ago by the Chiltern Hills in the North and the Surrey downs in the South, has created a stable microclimate quite unlike the rest of Britain.

London’s weather is remarkably predictable, bringing benefits to locals and tourists, although creating problems when venturing outside the London region, since the weather everywhere else in the UK seems to change from one hour to the next.

The English appear to be proud of the variability of their weather, and boast that you are likely to experience all four seasons in just one day, with sun, rain, hail, winds and sleet following each other in rapid succession.

But not in London. One noticeable feature of London’s stable climate is that if it starts out sunny in the morning it will stay like that all day, so you can confidently leave your coat and umbrella at the hotel. If it is raining, however, you can be sure it is going to rain for most of the day, so you should plan accordingly and spend as much time as possible indoors. On such days many guests settle comfortably in the hotel lounge to read, play games and have an enjoyably relaxing day in.

~ ~ ~ ~

GEOGRAPHY

As with most major cities, London is divided into four areas corresponding to the quadrants of a compass. There are strong, occasionally fierce rivalries between these four districts.

North London includes the very wealthy and privileged areas of Westminster, Islington, Camden, Hampstead, Enfield, Haringey and Tottenham. There are more millionaires in North London than in any other part of the UK. Perhaps unfairly, though not unnaturally, Londoners who don’t live here tend to regard ‘up North’ as being full of rich wasters and parasites. This is certainly a caricature, but with some basis in fact.

The West is London’s rural district, leading out to the Cotswolds and Oxfordshire. Unreasoning prejudice causes the residents of other London areas to refer to West Londoners as bumpkins and hayseeds, implying simple-mindedness or even (at times when rivalries are sharpened) an inbred idiocy. The