Cycling Widows

By Alannah Foley

The antidote to cycling obsession...
A humorous 'must read' for fanatical cyclists & Cycling Widows alike!

CYCLING WIDOWS
Lifting the Veil on Living with an Obsessive Cyclist
Are you a cyclist in denial of your addiction to the sport?
Or the long-suffering spouse of an obsessive bike-freak?
Either way, you need to read this satirical lifeline!
In the cycling world, the term 'Cycling Widow' has long been used to describe the spouse of someone with OCD (Obsessive Cycling Disorder).

All across the globe, these women live a lonely life in the shadow of this affliction.

Until now, the world of the Cycling Widow has remained shrouded in secrecy. But here, the author – a long-suffering Cycling Widow herself – lifts the veil to candidly reveal the trials and tribulations of living with a cyclomaniac, deftly tackling controversial issues such as the addictive scourge of bike porn, cycling safety, how best to handle fetid cycling clothes after a ride, the Curse of the MAMIL in older pedallers, and the old chestnut: taking a vacation without the 'other woman' (ie her husband's pesky bike).

This book includes a handy test to find out – for once and for all – whether it really is a case of 'hobby or obsession'. And don't miss out on the bonus Survival Guide at the end featuring a Revenge Toolkit and Agony Aunt column! Packed with coping mechanisms and satisfying tactics, it's designed to support both the new or seasoned Cycling Widow through desperate times.

Take heart! This satirical exposé of cycling might just save a few marriages – as well as many a bike from being fed into the garden mulcher.

LOOKING FOR A GIFT with a difference for the long-suffering Cycling Widow in your life? You can't get better than this! So why not pick up your copy of Cycling Widows TODAY?

FAUX REVIEWS by PSEUDO-CELEBRITIES

Here are just a few of the author's infamous 'faux reviews' of the spurious kind for Cycling Widows...

I might have won six or seven Tours de France – or is it eight? – but that doesn't make me completely unsympathetic to my other half. I've promised her I will give up cycling for good as soon as I've won my tenth Tour. In the meantime, I've fobbed her off left her at home with a copy of Cycling Widows – highly recommended.
LARRY LEGSTRONG

My wife always used to keep a picture of me in her wallet. Not because she was romantic or anything — just so she could remember what I looked like when I finally turned up after a season's racing. Thanks to Cycling Widows, we can laugh about it all now. Well, I can, anyway.
TEDDY SMIRKS

This book is a solemn forewarning to dedicated cyclists everywhere that Cycling Widows are onto us. And if you've read the author's Cycling Widow's Survival Guide, you'll also know that the blighters have a whole bunch of tactics and coping mechanisms at their disposal to deal with us. So clip into your cleats, fellow pedallers, we're in for a bumpy ride!
CYCLING WEAKLY MAGAZINE

Pick up this light-hearted antidote to cycling obsession today!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Pyjama Writer Publishing
• Release date: Sep 19, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466196551

Alannah Foley

Alannah Foley... aka The Pyjama WriterAuthor of mysteries, travel tales, fiction, and other maverick titles that won't fall in line...Raised in the UK, Alannah lived in her Aussie birthplace for five years in her twenties, where mozzies regularly used her for target practice. She managed to return to Old Blighty devoid of shark or snake bite, however, and currently lives in picturesque Cornwall with her cycling-obsessed partner.Alannah is a multi-genre author who has published mysteries & other works of fiction as well as travel tales about her capers in a campervan and adventures Down Under. She also enjoys writing humorous portraits of life (some still in the pot!).When she's not writing, Alannah likes to hit the trails on her bike, take walks in nature, and go kayaking – basically, anything that will get her butt out of the chair for a while that doesn't involve going to a sweaty old gym.Get the author's pester-free newsletter and be the first to hear about upcoming titles, early discounts on new releases, and a few other goodies exclusive to her VIP Readers Group. Simply visit bit.ly/PJW-Newsletter to sign up.To find out more about the author & her work, visit her website at www.thePyjamaWriter.com.

Book preview

Dedication/Acknowledgment

A thank you to my cycling-obsessed partner, Steve, without whom I wouldn't be able to call myself a Cycling Widow in the first place! He has been an unwitting muse and, at times, aided and abetted my efforts, by bouncing ideas round as we've laughed at aspects of his cycling lifestyle. He has undoubtedly contributed a great deal to the book, since I have unscrupulously stolen all his best lines.

INTRODUCTION

Lifting the Veil on the Shadowy World of the Cycling Widow

The term 'Cycling Widow' is a well-known phenomenon within the cycling fraternity. These women are the partners or spouses of cyclists who love the sport so much that they are almost oblivious to – or in denial of – the fact that cycling has turned from its original state of 'hobby' to full-on 'obsession'. And, as such, their beloved rarely gets to see them.

In writing this book, however, I discovered that it is not only the world of cycling that has its Widows. Everywhere I looked, there were sports – as well as other predominantly-male activities – which had their share of Widows.

The world, it seems, is filled with a vast number of Widows, with Cycling Widows, Golf Widows, Soccer Widows and so on, being a subset of a much larger group of 'Sports Widows'. A less active group of Widows might include 'Nerd Widows', with subsets including 'Train-spotter Widows', 'Action Figure Collector Widows' and 'Computer Geek Widows'.

The names may change, but what remains is what we all have in common: our husbands, partners or boyfriends leave us to pursue ultimately useless activities week upon week – and we are left twiddling our widowy thumbs.

As a Cycling Widow myself, I have lived for a number of years with a victim of what I call OCD – or 'Obsessive Cycling Disorder'. Of course, the wording here is tricky – I am reluctant to label cyclists OCD 'sufferers', because they don't see themselves as suffering. In fact, most cyclists with OCD actually enjoy obsessing about cycling whenever a spare moment presents itself. No, it is the Cycling Widow – left to pick up the pieces day after day – who suffers.

Those of you who come from a more literary background will notice that I have capitalised the words 'cycling widow'. My grammar book tells me that capitalisation may be used for proper nouns – ie people, places and institutions. And, for their suffering, I think Cycling Widows deserve to be classed as a national – nay, global – institution,… the specific reasons becoming clear as you read on!

Who is this Book for?

First and foremost, this book is dedicated to the Cycling Widow, whether newbie or seasoned. However, it also hopes to reach out to 'cyclomaniacs' – especially those in denial of their condition.

The book should be accessible to those with little knowledge of cycling. After all, it was written by a Cycling Widow! In any case, there is a glossary at the end, which should iron out any terms used herein (and a few others that don't appear here – or even ones that I've made up along the way!).

What's in the Book?

For all these years, Cycling Widows have stayed silent. A veil of secrecy has been shrouded over their lives for too long… And now it is time for the veil to be lifted.

So in this book I share my reflections on the world of cycling and my life as a Cycling Widow – the trials, tribulations, highs and lows – and I've attempted to tackle some of the more shadowy, controversial, or challenging topics along the way, too, such as the addictive scourge of bike porn, cycling safety, whether to be concerned about your spouse going for a fitter model, and the Curse of the MAMIL in older pedallers.

As a Cycling Widow, I also wanted to investigate where you draw the line. For example, is it fair that your chap should put you to shame by having better-shaved legs than you? That you should need a certificate in nutrition before you can plan his meals? Or that you should really be expected to fork out for a new bike wheel when your car is falling apart?

Although the book is based on fact (cuts a little close to the truth, some cyclomaniacs say), it has also been written with tongue firmly in cheek and, as such, the facts have been embellished to a certain extent. I will leave the reader to enjoy discerning which is which.

How the Book's Set Out

For easy navigation, you'll find that this book is split into five parts…

Part 1 – Hobby or Obsession?

Take this handy test to find out – for once and for all – whether you or your beloved really are a leisure rider or cyclomaniac.

Part 2 – Cycling Shorts

Shorter warm-up reads… Bite-sized exposés of the Cycling Widow's lot and what it means to be shacked up with someone affected by Obsessive Cycling Disorder. We also explore whether it really is 'all about the bike' and whether the Cycling Widow really gives a toss.

Part 3 – Cycling Longs

Longer endurance reads… Here, we get much 'up close and personal' with topics such as washing fetid cycling clothes, the Curse of the MAMIL, drugs in cycling, and the scourge of bike porn.

Part 4 – Cycling Widow's Survival Guide

Hang on to your helmet, folks, because this section incorporates a Revenge Toolkit and Agony Aunt column offering tips and advice for both the new and seasoned Cycling Widow.

Part 5 – Cycling Widows Glossary

A (fun) translation for the layperson of terms used in this book.

It's worth noting here that originally, I published what you'll find herein as separate works. The shorter reads were written in my earlier days of Cycling Widow life and the longer reads were drafted much later after having logged even more miles on the CyclingWidometer, so there's more meat on the bone and more research behind the writing in those later chapters.

Warning!

Unfortunately for some readers, there is nothing X-rated in the book (for which I could have bumped up the cover price and doubled my profits). However, there are several slightly risqué parts which could be described as PG (ie Prudish Grandmother) rated. Therefore, I have given the book a PG-13 rating and warn extremely conservative adult readers to shut their eyes whilst reading certain sections.

Equal Opportunities: An Apology

In the name of equality, I would like to apologise to any Cycling Widowers for my general take throughout the book. There does indeed exist a number of obsessive female cyclists out there who leave their men behind at the door in favour of a life on two speedy wheels. If this is the case for you, please feel free to 'transpose' the written gender to fit your own circumstances.

For Cycling Widowers, the suffering is no less great than that of the Cycling Widow. Let's just say that, whoever invented the bicycle has a lot to answer for! Yet we can all live in hope… Once-popular activities like smoking, recognised for their detrimental effects on health, are now being ousted from our society. In the same vein, I'm sure that one day, folk will also seek to eradicate the harmful drug that cycling has become for some.

Although I did not initially set out to warn folk about the darker side of cycling, I look back now and realise that this book is an unwitting cautionary tale to all those hobby cyclists out there who might otherwise have ended up being sucked in by the cycling world's sleek, shiny, high-specification paraphernalia, and all that goes with it. Remember: just say no!

At times, I hope I will be forgiven for taking the cyclist's side in this book. Issues are rarely as black and white as they first appear, and I think it's good to try and see the other's point of view.

In any case, before you crack on and read the rest of the book, you first need to sit down and work out whether the family cyclist does actually suffer from OCD. So pop along to Part 1 and take the test…

~ PART 1 ~

HOBBY OR OBSESSION?

Take the Test: Leisure Rider or Cyclomaniac?

Many who are reading this will have at least a sneaking suspicion that they or their spouse has Obsessive Cycling Disorder – or OCD, the affliction I mentioned in the introduction. Maybe you'd like to think of yourself or your beloved as an innocent pleasure cyclist, but if you're reading this, chances are that one of you is an out-and-out bike-freak.

For myself, I must admit that I am a fully paid-up member of the unofficial Cycling Widows Club. My status, however, crept up on me unawares, like a slow, eerie sea mist. When my partner and I met, he wasn't into cycling. But, as a fitness freak, Steve wanted to take up a sport to get fitter and chose… you know what. Now, as a working gym instructor, he has graduated to spending many of his remaining waking hours ensconced in bike-related activities such as time trials and Audaxes, cycle training, bicycle repairs and maintenance, not to mention the inevitable bedtime reading of cycling magazines and nutrition books.

It has got to the point where his 'cyclopathic tendencies' have got so bad that I now despair at ever spending a whole day uninterrupted by anything 'bike', whether it's a 'quick half hour' ride, 'touching base' with his bike by giving it a clean, typing up his training log or rabbiting on about the latest cycling news or 'fantastic' bike he's seen advertised.

Cycling Quiz

In order to help fellow sufferers, I have designed the following quiz to assist in spotting the various tell-tale signs of this manic condition so that you can, for once and for all, know the truth. Although Cycling Widows are usually the first to spot the symptoms, both parties can often be in denial. For this reason, there are questions for both.

Questions for the Cycling 'Enthusiast'

Would you rather go out on your bike than spend time on your Playstation or computer?

Do you read cycling magazines in the bathroom? Is this a covert operation, or are you quite open about it?

Do you wear classy-looking cycling clothing? Does it have a club logo? Do you feel nervous or out-of-sorts if your bike and outfit don't match?

Have you started shaving your legs in the cycling season?

Would you secretly rather spend your income on bike parts and accessories than a family holiday?

Questions for the Possible Cycling Widow

Does your cycling spouse say he's just going to 'pop out' on the bike for a quick ride, only to turn up two hours later wondering why you're annoyed?

How many extra laundry loads do you have to do per week to accommodate his cycling habit?

Are foodstuffs referred to using acronyms and nutritional jargon?

What percentage of the household income goes on bike-related gear – eg magazines, clothing, equipment, food – and what other areas of your life have had to go down the proverbial pan as a consequence?

Quiz Answers

You will notice I haven't created the quiz as a score test. Rather, the cyclist and potential Cycling Widow should ideally sit down together, read the questions, and look into their hearts.

However, as a general rule, if cyclists answered 'yes' to more than two of the questions, but were convinced they were just a hobby cyclist, then they are in serious denial of their condition. Spouses of cyclists should be able to tell from their responses whether they are fully-fledged Cycling Widows or not. But if your kids are going without shoes or decent meals because your hubby needs to buy a bike-related item, this is a good marker of your status.

So, What is the Solution? Is there a Solution?

Having taken the test, you may feel its time to start picking up the pieces of your life. The sad truth, however, is that the pieces you usually end up picking up are those of your live-in cycling lover – not your own.

Unfortunately, few cyclists will actually see that they have a problem. What's a few hours out on the bike every week, right? Unfortunately, no CWA (Cycling Widows Anonymous) organisation exists as far as I am aware. So in the end, all you're left with as a Cycling Widow are coping mechanisms.

Have no illusions that you will ever be able to willingly extricate your man from the world of cycling. By now, it will have him firmly within its geeky grasp, and there is no fighting it. The only way out is to make the best of the situation.

Over time, it has occurred to me that there must be a whole bunch of Cycling Widows out there just like me. You will probably already have noticed that you have a certain tolerance level for the situation in which you find yourself. Some Cycling Widows have a high threshold for pain and join their spouses on a weekly ride, even acting as support/'soigneur' at racing events, for instance. But there are, no doubt, Cycling Widows around with a low tolerance – those, for example, who do a full week's work, only to be left to look after three screaming ankle-biters on the weekend while the old man has his fun in the training saddle.

Being someone's husband can be hard work enough, but being the partner of a cyclomaniac requires that 'something extra'; and it is hoped that the above quiz will help to bridge the gap between an OCD-affected couple, especially since the cyclist rarely realises the effects of his condition on the Cycling Widow.

Remember, it can take time to get over the shock that you have been in denial of your condition. Both parties may have been ignoring it for years. Be gentle on yourselves and take time to process it. 'Outing' a cyclomaniac is a big step.

Supplementary Questions

A few posers which I think the OCD victim might find useful to meditate on without judgment as they read through the book are: When is enough enough? (How many new bikes? How many shiny accessories?)… How much faster do you need to go – really? Will shaving off a few seconds really make you happier? Define 'happiness'.

Disclaimer

I have no formal medical or psychiatric qualifications and offer no prescriptions. However, now that you have taken the above test and know the dastardly truth, all I can share are my insights and a ray of hope: that, by working things through, it may just be that cycling – rather than being the wedge that divides you – turns out to be the very thing that draws you closer together.

Despite this note of positivity, it's always wise to be realistic and not get your hopes too high when it comes to the cycling obsessed. For, as I've said, Cycling Widows are usually the ones left picking up the pieces. Now, just how they do that is, conveniently enough, the subject of the next chapter…

~ PART 2 ~

CYCLE SHORTS

Shorter Warm-up Reads

1. PICKING UP the PIECES

The Plight of the Cycling Widow 'Soigneur'

Many a woman, in her romantic little mind, dreams one day of her man saying to her in a swoony voice: What would I do without you?… So, when my cyclist partner said that to me, I had to do a double take. Unfortunately, this wasn't said in the aforementioned romantic context, but referred to my default role as 'soigneur'.

If you're unfamiliar with the word, 'soigneur' (pron. swahn-yur) comes from the French and translates as a person who takes care of or looks after someone. In the cycling fraternity, soigneurs are usually paid professionals who act as vital supports – right hand men (or women), if you will. They follow their cyclist(s) around, performing various roles which might include planning nutritional meals and sports massage.

As for the Cycling Widow, however, acting as soigneur boils down to an unpaid role, similarly attending to the spouse's personal needs – all of which he so often expects (either consciously or subconsciously) to be delivered without complaint. Yet such dedication on the part of the Cycling Widow usually goes unnoticed, unrewarded and unappreciated.

Knowing the unrequited nature of the job in advance can save the Cycling Widow a lot of tears, and I hope to be of further assistance by delving a little deeper into some of these duties, so that the uninitiated Cycling Widow knows what to expect.

You've probably heard that behind every great man, there has to be a great woman. And, as a Cycling Widow, that woman is you! In reality, your man may not be a great – or even a mediocre – cyclist at all. But he'd very much like to be. Living with an OCD victim, one of your jobs is to nurture that spirit of greatness. Remember, now, it's the word 'spirit' not 'greatness' which is most applicable here.

Sports Cyclology

Understanding the psychology of the OCD victim is simple: he dreams of a life where he can fritter away every spare moment on or with his bike yet still have the creature comforts to come home to after he has thrashed himself about on the bike for several hours. These comforts might include having an (apparently) ever-doting soigneur around who will praise his efforts, massage his body as well as his ego, provide food, shelter, dry clothes and a hot shower at the end of a gruelling (albeit self-inflicted) day's cycling.

One important approach is to never let your cycling spouse know that you haven't missed him while he's been out on the bike. Looking longingly out of the window as you hear him pull up in the driveway after a race will have positive psychological effects on the cyclist, especially one who isn't very good.

It cannot be emphasised enough that the soigneur's duties are most needed after a ride-gone-wrong. And there will be many of these, believe me. Rarely do cyclomaniacs actually better their times, but they live in a world of hope, and it is better for all concerned not to dampen their dedication and enthusiasm.

Counselling-type skills, such as head-nodding and sighing, are useful at this juncture and will demonstrate that you are listening to your spouse's woes (even if you aren't) and care that he performed terribly (even if you don't).

Pepper the 'conversation' with words of encouragement and appropriate commiseration, but be aware that the initial round of dejected self-recriminations from the cycling spouse will not be the end of the matter. Following shortly on from a where did it all go wrong? episode, he will inevitably discuss (read: 'drivel on about') a new training strategy, reformulated in the hope of correcting the situation in the future.

Some Cycling Widows perform a practical service by getting involved with their hubby's club, eg by becoming unofficial, volunteer caterers, baking delicious cakes and preparing hot teas to replenish the fatigued pedallers upon their return from a time trial. Home baking and such can also help to assuage the intolerable isolation of the Cycling Widow, left at home whilst her man is out on the bike for hours.

Oftentimes, my other half has been sent home after a race event, loaded up with sugary goodies by some kindly canteen Cycling Widows; and a selection of these invariably ends up on my tea saucer. In fact, sometimes, I suspect the only reason Steve enters races is so that he can indulge in these ladies' baked delights afterwards.

Such nurturing can be underestimated. Whenever my chap comes back from an event, I expect a cake now. Pavlov's Dog indeed! In fact, if there aren't any, I usually know which club has organised the event. Not all clubs are created equal, it would seem. In fact, although my chap is normally easy-going, he came home one day after a race bemoaning the quality of the tea. A rather unusual state of affairs; but apparently, the event had been so badly organised that someone had taken it upon themselves to teabag-skimp, and his cuppa was thoroughly undrinkable.

Now, Steve may have joked about the situation, but I know that, deep down, he had done that ride hoping for hot sustenance – and it had been denied him. Perhaps all was not lost in this little vignette, as cyclists may need a reminder sometimes of just how well they are looked after for the most part.

I sometimes wonder what it must be like to cater for the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger. OK, he may not be an ardent cyclist, but having his finger in so many pies means he has to stay pretty fit. Over time, he's been a body-builder, had acting parts to play (Acting? I hear you say), been the Governor of California, and had a role as a family man. On top of all that, he's been known to indulge in a few 'extra curricula activities' over the years, too. Basically, it ain't the kind of running around that's supported by the likes of a bit of toast and jam in the morning!

No, Arnie would definitely need to employ a housekeeper to attend to his needs (and, by all accounts, his ex-housekeeper wasn't just taking care of his food needs!). In any case, what I'm getting at here is that feeding old Arnie would surely be a full-time job with hours spent planning and cooking meals – and all that would come with some sort of financial recompense. Not so for her Cycling Widow counterpart. So what's in it for the unpaid cycling soigneur?

In business, if financial reward isn't possible, a company can get away with a lot by giving a guy – not a raise, but a title. A title is a great way to placate the put-upon. Status is the key here – and what better way to make your workers feel better about their jobs than by buttering them up with a sense of importance via a title.

This is where the title of 'soigneur' has been used to sinister effect by the cycling fraternity. Give a Cycling Widow what sounds like an impressive job label (a French one at that, which gives it a 'je ne sais quoi' sound to it) and you can keep her happy for quite a while. A lonely, unpaid supporter of someone she rarely sees – except perhaps for the flash of a jacket as he zips away up the road – the abuse of the Cycling Widow has managed to weave its insidious way into the cycling world at large.

Of course, the cycling spouse, aiding and abetting in this global conspiracy, will probably not admit to the temporary nature of this state of affairs. As is the danger within business, workers often get to a point where it dawns on them that all the company has actually done is give them more to do for the same pay. It is at this point that things can go a bit awry. However, as usual, the cycling spouse will be