8 Weeks to Everlasting: A Step-By-Step Guide to Getting (and Keeping!) the Guy You Want

By Amy Laurent and Kristen McGuiness

Matchmaker and star of Bravo's Miss Advised shows you how to re-vamp your dating life and find a lasting and fulfilling relationship

Frustrated by a string of failed dates? Flummoxed as to why he never called? Sick of attending other people's weddings . . . alone?

Professional matchmaker, Amy Laurent, has news for you. You have the power to change your dating life and your relationship future. Whether you are in a positive relationship heading toward a bright and shiny future or whether you end up dumped and depressed or-worse-stuck with someone you shouldn't have been with in the first place, it's all up to you. Happiness is your choice and within your grasp. Amy Laurent shows you how to get it.

In 8 Weeks to Everlasting, Laurent shows readers how to navigate the first eight weeks of the dating relationship. With candor and respect, Amy shows women how to:

- Look for the early signs of bullshit
- Stay out of the texting trap
- Create physical boundaries
- Establish an exclusive relationship
- Build the foundation for a lasting relationship

8 Weeks to Everlasting is a heartening, upbeat, and step-by-step guide for the woman who hasn't yet landed the right man, and the one who needs to hit the reset button to get her relationship back on track.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Macmillan Publishers
• Release date: Aug 7, 2012
• ISBN: 9781250020635

Amy Laurent

AMY LAURENT is a professional matchmaker, and star of the Bravo reality show, "Miss Advised." Founder & President of the exclusive Amy Laurent International Agency, she has worked as a professional matchmaker for many years. Amy has been featured in The New York Times, Miami Herald, Oprah Magazine, Men's Health, and Cosmopolitan. She also blogs for The Huffington Post, appears on "Fox News Strategy Room" as a relationship and dating expert, is OK Magazine's relationship expert and writes commentary for In Touch and Life & Style magazines. She hosts a web series, "Love and Sex with Amy Laurent" for iVillage.

Book preview

Introduction

Dating sucks. You’ve said it. I’ve said it. Even your aunt Kathleen has said it. And this is what sucks: walking into a coffee shop, bar, or restaurant, scanning everyone in the room, looking for a man you may have never met, and sitting down for what is basically a job interview with drinks.

Putting yourself out there is challenging no matter the circumstances. Putting yourself out there in the hopes of getting real love and a lasting relationship is like finding yourself in the Olympics after your first swimming lesson—you’ll be underwater in no time. But dating can be wonderful. Dating the right person can be fun. It can be exciting. And, yes, it can be romantic.

So, let’s reframe this.

What do we really mean when we say dating sucks?

We mean the first eight weeks.

Think about it. Maybe you have trouble getting past those first few weeks. You act interested, the guy stops calling. You act uninterested, he stops calling. Or maybe you’re having trouble even getting past the first date. You bang your head against the wall, wondering, What is the deal? What am I doing wrong? So let’s try this again. Instead of saying, Dating sucks, say, "The initial stages of dating suck."

Feels better already, doesn’t it?

Well, let’s not stop there. Because I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t need to suck at all. In fact, dating can and should be your new favorite hobby. Instead of viewing it as a necessary evil, start looking at it as fun. Because it can be fun. This could be the chance to meet your next boyfriend … or who knows, even your husband. Though I don’t think the Cinderella story has done us many favors, the fact is every date you go on is a night at the ball (minus the pumpkin). So get dressed up, put on your favorite music, and allow yourself to feel a little romantic. Even if the first date doesn’t go the way you want, it’s still a chance to get out of the house and meet someone new. So have fun! Dating can be a powerful, wonderful experience. But first, you have to stop seeing it as a chore, and start seeing it as a way to keep busy and meet new people. And who knows, tonight’s date might just be the first step on the road to everlasting.

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Dating doesn’t have to be like a job interview with drinks. Dating doesn’t have to suck.

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Here’s the thing about dating. Nobody teaches you how to do it. Sure, we sit with our friends and recount our dating horror stories. We answer the magazine quizzes that promise to reveal our Dating IQ. And we watch those ridiculous romantic comedies, as if Katherine Heigl has anything to teach us—let alone Jennifer Aniston. But nobody really teaches us how to date. Not successfully, anyway.

We go to school to learn how to read and write. We’re taught sixteenth-century history and algebra, and we’re even shown how to dissect a frog. But nobody, and I mean nobody, shows us how to date. (Although dissecting a frog comes close.) I can promise you, as a single woman I care a lot more today about meeting the right guy and having a successful relationship than I do about knowing who signed the Magna Carta. (Magna who?)

You’re an intelligent woman. You have interests and goals of your own. And chances are one of those goals is to meet someone you fall in love with. Never mind that Everlasting Love has actually been trademarked by a jeweler and a florist, and co-opted by every greeting-card company in the country. You can have real and everlasting love (no trademark!) as long as you’re sensible and strategic—as long as you don’t buy into the fairy-tale dream made up by marketers. Because creating a real relationship is not a matter of being struck by Cupid’s arrow and finding The One. Everlasting love is a goal, and it should be treated like one.

Goals take time, hard work, strategy, and patience. You’d accept that notion, wouldn’t you, if your goal was to get a promotion, become certified in yoga, or learn to play the violin? So why should your romantic goals be any different? They shouldn’t be. That’s good news, because it means that your goal of finding love is within your reach. Yes, your reach. But let me repeat myself here: this goal requires time, hard work, strategy, and patience. Most all of, it requires that you make sound choices … particularly in those first eight weeks.

The first eight weeks are the most important part of the dating process. These are the make-it or break-it days (and dates) that separate the couples from the singles. So let’s take a step back and evaluate. What are you looking for and where? What do you want in a partner? What do you value, and what do you want to be valued for?

Don’t be that fool who’s always rushing in. Stop thinking of every first date as The One. Stop making him out to be something he’s not, and for heaven’s sake, stop making excuses. Most important, stop thinking of the fairy-tale courtship and you may just avoid the fairy-tale divorce. (With apologies to Kim Kardashian.)

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The first eight weeks are the make-it or break-it days (and dates) that separate the couples from the singles.

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Are you serious about wanting to create a satisfying and lasting relationship? Yes, I said create, because you create a good relationship—you don’t find it. If you are, then you need to start applying the same principles that you would to any other worthwhile goal.

Don’t know how?

That’s where I come in.

I’m a professional matchmaker who has spent the last six years connecting men and women who are too busy to find suitable dates either online or in bars or through their second cousin twice removed. My clients are professional people who are tired of meeting the wrong guy (or the wrong girl), so they come to me in order to find the right one. I have helped hundreds of men and women find love—many of whom have gone on to marry. In fact, I currently have an 80 to 85 percent success rate helping people find a partner within the first three months, and I have been responsible for almost thirty marriages in less than five years. But my job is more than just setting people up; it is helping them after the introductions have been made and the dating begins. Whether it’s a guy wondering, What the heck is she thinking? or a girl wondering, What the heck is he thinking? a major part of my job is to help both parties negotiate those tenuous weeks that can lead to everlasting.

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We don’t find lasting relationships. We create them.

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I may be a professional matchmaker, but in many ways I’m very much like you. I’ve dated like you. Acted like you. Cried like you. And over the years, I’ve bought every dating book on the shelf. I’ve read about how I’m supposed to be a bitch, how I’m supposed to play the game, how I’m supposed to learn the rules. All of which reinforced my opinion that dating sucks. I’m not sure what it was that sparked the change in me, or when (maybe it was after telling myself one too many times that he’s just not into me), but I started to pay attention.

I pay attention to what men do and what they say. I pay attention to what women do and what they say. And I pay attention to what men and women do—and say—when they’re together. It’s all very interesting, I can tell you. But nothing is more interesting than what men say after the date has ended.

You think women like to talk about relationships? You’ve never met my male clients.

I receive e-mails and phone calls almost daily in which my male clients share their thoughts and concerns about the women they date. And it never surprises me that though we all seem to want the same things—a stable career, a loving family, a beautiful life—men and women think very differently about how to go about getting them. From my client Jimmy, who gets annoyed when his date talks negatively about her family or friends (If she’s going to say that about her mother, imagine what she would say about me?), to Peter, who loses interest if a woman doesn’t have any interests of her own ("Amy, every time I ask her what she’s doing, she says nothing, and asks what I want to do."), I hear it all.

When my clients talk, I listen. Here’s your opportunity to listen, too, because they are an incredible source of inside information that we all need to hear. I began reading their feedback and listening to their stories and I started watching what separated the successful relationships from the failed ones. And more often than not, it all came down to one thing: the choices that we women make.

That’s right. We are the ones who make the choices. We are the ones who are in charge.

As the author Milan Kundera once wrote, Every love relationship is based upon unwritten conventions rashly agreed upon by the lovers during the first weeks of their love. On the one hand, they are living a sort of dream; on the other, they are drawing up the fine print of their contracts like the most hard-nosed of lawyers.

Exactly.

FUN FACT: Women are the ones in charge. We set the tone and, ultimately, we determine what kind of relationship we’re going to be in. Hint: It’s the one we ask for.

It’s entirely up to you whether the contract you’re agreeing to is for a relationship filled with fun, friendship, and love, heading to a bright and shiny future … or whether you end up dumped, depressed, and obsessed. Or worse, stuck in a relationship with someone you shouldn’t be with. Happiness or frustration is a choice you get to make.

And it’s all determined in those first eight weeks.

Before You Begin

This book is not about getting the guy. It’s about getting the guy you want and not wasting time on the ones who aren’t right for you. You have the power to decide who you’re in a relationship with—whether it’s by your behaviors or by your actual choice.

Most women assume that the opportunity for romance starts on the first date. Well, I’m here to tell you that opportunity begins right now. Yes, now. Because there will be no first date until you get some basics down, and that includes the basics of being a woman in the twenty-first century.

You don’t need to change a single thing about who you are. But you might need to start changing some of the things you’re doing.

Think about it: What separates the daters from the nondaters? It’s not beauty or every Hollywood actress would be married. And it’s not career or every Hollywood actress would be married. No, it’s all about how you behave.

Are you a strong, independent woman who has her own hobbies and interests in life? Do you have a network of friends and an active social life whether you’re in a relationship or not? Are you out there meeting people, reaching out, being open to going on dates no matter who the person is or what he does for a living? Do you desire a healthy relationship? Or are you just desperate for one?

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You don’t need to change a single thing about who you are. But you might need to start changing some of the things you’re doing.

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Because there is nothing that sends a man running like a woman who doesn’t want to do anything but obsess over him. That’s boring for him, and I promise, you’ll get bored pretty quick, too. So let’s talk about how to date, and how not to date. It’s pretty simple stuff. So simple we all work very hard to complicate it.

This is not about teaching you how to play mind games, or how to pretend you’re too cool when you’re really a nice, sensitive, and open woman who just wants to say what’s on her mind. If that’s who you are, own it. But no matter what, you still have to be aware of that little dance everyone does when they’re first getting to know someone. You’ve been messing it up not because you were being yourself, but because you were being yourself while ignoring all the things you need to do in order to build a proper foundation for a relationship.

No more excuses or whining. You need to start dating the right way, the way you were never taught, and yet somehow—miraculously—are supposed to be an expert at.

That’s why I’m here.

I am your expert, and it’s a role that’s been hard won. You see, I’ve learned these lessons through my own field research. I’ve been hurt, dumped, and left brokenhearted by men I thought would be my knight in shining armor. And was it always their fault? Sadly, no. Though I have certainly dated my fair share of a**holes, I also had to start looking at myself. What was my part in all this? Where was I to blame? And, like you, I had to learn how to do something different.

Best Foot Forward

Let’s face it: first impressions count. I have been on way too many dates were the guy looked as if he just came from the gym. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was actually working to not impress me. And the same goes for you. Sometimes you may walk into a date looking as if you just rolled out of your bed, or even worse, someone else’s bed. In many ways, going on a date is like going on an interview—and for possibly the most important position of your life—so dress like it. This has nothing to do with looks. I am sure if you looked around at all your friends in relationships, you would quickly realize that it’s not about being a supermodel.

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You need to play the part if you want to get the part.

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First impressions are all about the packaging—what you’re wearing, how you’re carrying yourself, whether you’re presenting yourself as a confident and self-assured woman or someone who doesn’t have the energy or esteem to put herself together. In order to get the part, you need to play the part. You should wear an outfit that speaks to who you are—this is not about being someone else—an outfit that you’d be comfortable wearing to dinner with your family. No cleavage, no skirts so short you can’t bend over, and no heels so high that you can’t make it down a flight of stairs. On the other hand, you also don’t need to go on the date looking like a nun, so watch out for anything that either hides your body so much he can’t see you’re a woman or anything too boyish that he mistakes you for one of the guys. As one of my clients recently told me, There’s nothing worse than showing up to a date and she’s wearing the same clothes as me. So stay away from power-woman suits or active-wear gym clothes—even if your Lululemon yoga pants look great on you. Basically, if it’s nice enough for church or the holidays, then it’s nice enough for a date. If you wouldn’t wear it in front of a preacher or your grandmother, then don’t wear it out with a man you are meeting for the first