Assertiveness: How To Be Strong In Every Situation

By Conrad Potts and Suzanne Potts

How to overcome challenges with confidence

No matter how successful we are, we all face stressful and hard-to-handle challenges in daily life, and – if we want to be as happy and healthy as we can – we must learn to assert ourselves, make our voices heard and approach life with confidence and self-assurance.

This book is a roadmap to help you navigate your way through those challenging opportunities, hurdles and milestones. Taking universal scenarios case by case, and packed with practical tips, this inspiring, down-to-earth book will give you the tools to build your self-esteem and become happier, healthier, and in control of your own destiny.

• Written in an approachable style which posits practical solutions to a range of universal problems
• Deals with assertiveness in business, family, social situations and all areas of life
• Covers topics like ‘dealing with your boss’, ‘dealing with finances’, ‘asking for a pay rise’, ‘saying no at work’

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wiley
• Release date: Mar 29, 2013
• ISBN: 9780857083678

Book preview

If you are not an assertive person, this book will help you. It is a down-to-earth, practical and eminently sensible guide to achieving successful interactions with all the people in your life – inside and outside the workplace.

Professor Brenda Gourley, Former Vice Chancellor and CEO of The Open University

Written in a down-to-earth and pragmatic style, this book shows that asserting yourself in the right way will lead to a happier, more satisfying and healthy life and bring profound rewards at work and home – a great read!

Simon Cooper, Director of Organisation Effectiveness at Informatica Corporation and Author of Brilliant Leader

We all sometimes hit low points in our lives and careers. I loved this book as it was brilliant at reminding me of the importance to prepare and practice for those challenging situations that we face at work and at home.

Donna Kinnair DBE, Chief Nurse NHS Southeast London

Whether at home, at work, at rest or at play, being assertive can be the difference between getting what you want and failing to meet your own standards. This book shows how to be yourself and improve your life by saying what needs to be said.

David Holdgate, CEO, Satellite Information Services

Getting the right balance of assertiveness is critical, especially in your career – this book is an empowering, practical guide in how to achieve this.

Gary Bullard, CEO, Logica, UK

The perfect read for anyone who wants to be more assertive in any area of their life.

Ann Craven, Director Supply Chain, Invensys

In this book, Conrad and Suzanne bring their wisdom, experience and unique viewpoints to bear on one of the most challenging areas of human interaction.

John Varney, CEO, Maximum Clarity

A practical and down-to-earth guide showing you how to be more assertive; it will help you, friends, family and colleagues communicate better and get more from life.

Stella Collins, MD, Stellar Learning & Founder of The Brain Friendly Learning Group

"Assertiveness provides open, honest and practical solutions to help you communicate your ideas clearly and get what you want when it really matters"

Kevin Davidson, CEO, Maxwell Drummond International

This book is an empowering, practical guide to transforming your life by becoming more assertive.

Simon Vyvyan, CEO, Industry Media Ltd

This book shares a wealth of sound practical advice to help you be more assertive, effective and in control of your life.

Sally Morris, Housing Manager, Littlehampton & Rustington Housing Society

Read this book and you can pull even the hardest people into line. As a manager, you need your team to be on board with you and deliver projects – this book will put you on the path to project success.

Clive Davies, Project Manager, Engineering, Metadata

Title page

Cover design: Binary & The Brain

© 2013 Conrad & Suzanne Potts

Registered office

Capstone Publishing Ltd. (A Wiley Company), John Wiley and Sons Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, United Kingdom

For details of our global editorial offices, for customer services and for information about how to apply for permission to reuse the copyright material in this book please see our website at www.wiley.com.

The right of the author to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, except as permitted by the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-on-demand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com.

Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. All brand names and product names used in this book and on its cover are trade names, service marks, trademark or registered trademarks of their respective owners. The publisher and the book are not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book. None of the companies referenced within the book have endorsed the book.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with the respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. It is sold on the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services and neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for damages arising herefrom. If professional advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 978–0-857–08368–5 (paperback) ISBN 978–0-857–08366–1 (ebk)

ISBN 978–0-857–08367–8 (ebk) ISBN 978–0-857–08365–4 (ebk)

This book is dedicated to our children Sarah, Jo & Oliver

Introduction

Assertion is more than just a set of techniques – it is a way of thinking about how to be authentic and get the most from life. Assertion is supported by beliefs which develop a positive mental approach to life’s ups and downs. You become the puppeteer and not the puppet.

Almost everyone seems to be working under greater pressure as the demands of the job or life in general increase. Life changes, such as moving house, getting married or coping with bereavement, can further contribute to this pressure.

We know demands come from various sources, both from things occurring in our external environment as well as what’s occurring internally – in our heads, we all know how our mind affects us physically too.

The internal pressures may be products of how comfortable and pleased you are with yourself, your body, what you say to yourself, aspects of your personality, life experiences, your belief systems, your sense of self-worth and purpose.

We use assertive behavioural skills to achieve a greater balance between competing demands, so that you can learn how to experience less stress, become better at managing your time, be more satisfied with how you behave and, in turn, lead a really happy, healthy and fulfilling existence.

We see assertiveness helping you excel in all the areas of your life, be it social, spiritual, financial, at work or with your family. What happens around you is often a reflection of your own creation. Your thinking determines the results you get. Think negatively and you will attract negative realities; think assertively and the benefits of life will come to you.

As training consultants, specializing in the field of assertion for the last 30 years, we have been privileged to run assertiveness training programmes across the globe: in Europe, the emerging democracies of Eastern Europe, Asia, the South Pacific and the Middle East. We’ve managed to help literally thousands of people stand up for their views and ideas and achieve more wealth, health and happiness.

We have been invited to conduct assertiveness training at all levels within organizations to change and develop more cooperative business cultures.

Increasingly, we have engaged with CEOs and chairmen of boards, and have been part of British industry’s drive to develop more women to board-level positions.

Our keynote speaking for industry conferences, corporate events, education seminars and charity forums has encouraged participants to revitalize their approach both at work and at home.

In Part One of this book we explore the characteristics of assertion and a range of assertive behavioural tools to use.

Then, in Part Two, we describe a variety of real-life situations that you will no doubt have some experience of. We’ll take the assertive principles discussed in Part One into a number of challenging social and work situations. We will demonstrate how you can put into practice these assertive tools, within these various settings, so that you build your self-confidence and esteem, and get more of what you want by paying attention to what others want.

Throughout the book there are a number of exercises for you to complete, to reinforce your learning and have some fun experimenting.

Since you’ve chosen to read this book we acknowledge that you’re investing in your future. Thank you for setting aside the time to do this, and we wish you a very satisfying and reward­ing life.

Seize the day – the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

Horace/Lao-tse

Conrad & Suzanne Potts

PART ONE

1

What is Assertion?

There are many definitions of the word assertion. Indeed, people often attend assertiveness training to get more of their own way or to be more forceful.

Our view is that assertion is about something quite different:

Assertiveness is a behaviour that seeks to achieve a win-win – a satisfactory outcome for both parties.

When you adopt assertive behaviour you get more of what you want, but only when you acknowledge and give consideration to what the other person wants or needs. It’s the paradox of win-win that makes it possible.

If you want to be a success in your personal life, business, career, or anything you choose to mention, you need to be assertive in your communication and take responsibility for your life.

Assertive people are successful because they are considered as authentic, what you see is what you get, straight shooters who you can rely on to be honest and forthright – you know where you stand.

Behaving more assertively will increase your happiness in life and you are likely to have a longer life span than someone who is communicating aggressively or passively.

Assertion gives you permission to state your needs clearly and allows you to ask others to acknowledge them. Assertion requires you to listen to others’ needs and to acknowledge them.

You need a number of tools and resources to maintain your confidence, feel strong yet flexible, trust in your abilities and work in ways that bring you enjoyment and pleasure in what you do. You need to know you are not a prisoner of events or circumstances and that you can positively influence and change the world in which you live.

We believe behaving assertively helps you achieve this and so much more. Behaving in an assertive way allows you to focus, and to achieve what is possible, rather than preoccupying yourself with doubt, misgivings and focusing on what you think is not possible.

Three ways of behaving

We can behave in any of three ways:

aggressively

non-assertively (sometimes called passive aggression)

assertively.

We are not our behaviours, even if we are sometimes described as such. No one behaves assertively, aggressively or non-assertively all the time.

People vary their behaviour between all three and are more likely to react aggressively or non-assertively when they feel under pressure or stressed.

There may be certain situations in which you find it more difficult to be assertive, or people who are more difficult to be assertive with. Your assertive behaviour may break down at work, at home or when you are out with friends. It may happen more often with certain types of people e.g. those in authority, people you think are smarter or more competent than you, relatives, or members of the opposite sex.

All three behaviours work and that is why we keep repeating them.

1. Aggression

Aggressive behaviour is when you:

Stand up for your own rights in such a way that you violate the rights of another.

Express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in unsuitable and inappropriate ways, even though you may honestly believe those views to be right.

Aggression enhances your own position at the expense of others and can be used to put another person down. Aggression is based on the belief that your opinions are more important than other people’s. It is characterized by blaming other people or outside factors, by showing contempt, and being hostile, attacking or patronizing.

Aggression can sometimes be confused with assertion.

If someone communicates in an aggressive way, such as raising their voice, staring people down, or constantly interrupting, others may remain quiet and acquiescent and give in. The aggression can be perceived as confidence: you really told them there! – with such feedback reinforcing the idea that this behaviour is assertive.

If you have been non-assertive and compliant and held back your emotions the dam may burst and you decide, that’s it – enough is enough – no more.

You may, in the first instance, overstep the mark and express all the pent-up emotion by demanding your rights, insisting your needs be met now, and communicating in an aggressive way.

If this behaviour succeeds, where your non-assertion in the past did not, this success, this new-found power, may seduce you into thinking you are being assertive.

A good example of this was John, who came on one of our assertiveness programmes. After the first day he was so impressed with the material and his new-found assertive skills, he decided to go out for dinner and practise what he had learned from day 1 of the programme.

John pitched up the next day looking all forlorn and thoroughly dejected.

The programme hadn’t properly kicked in yet, and I asked him if he’d enjoyed his evening out and

Reviews for Assertiveness

[hashford_2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I asked for this book because I often find myself in situations where I have to drive through a course of action, and this involves instructing or persuading other people – staff, colleagues, managers. It’s very important to be able to be assertive in these situations without overstepping the mark and becoming aggressive with people.The book is in roughly two halves. The first part examines various aspects of assertiveness and discusses various different assertive and non-assertive behaviours. The second part takes a number of real-life situations (4 work related and 3 social) and analyses them in detail, discussing various different options and actions available to someone in this situation.Every now and again, you are lucky enough to find a book with the potential to change your life – and this is one of those books. The first half has given me a much better understanding of my own behaviours in challenging situations, and of how and why others react to me. The real life scenarios have given me alternative approaches and even scripts for handling a range of situations.I can’t recommend this book enough!