The Inner Life of the Counselor

By Robert J. Wicks

One of the greatest gifts helping professionals can share with others is a sense of their own peace. However, retaining and renewing a sense of a healthy perspective requires not only self-care strategies, but also an awareness of basic profound, yet simple, wisdom themes.

The Inner Life of the Counselor presents classic and contemporary wisdom that examines and explores each of these themes in a way that both professional and non-professional helpers will find revealing and meaningful in understanding their own journey.

Informed by the author's over thirty years of experience as a therapist, mentor, and clinical supervisor of professional helpers?as well as by his expertise in resiliency and prevention of secondary stress?The Inner Life of the Counselor thoughtfully looks at those elements that encourage sustained personal growth and professional development, such as self-care, stress management, and mindfulness.

Lively, practical, and marked by an elegant sense of simplicity, this nurturing book demonstrates how exploring the inner life can lead counselors to new wisdom and inner peace?not only for themselves but also for those who come to them for relief and insight. It is an invitation to pause, reflect, renew, and navigate one of contemporary society's most challenging yet rewarding professions.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wiley
• Release date: Jul 26, 2012
• ISBN: 9781118233405

Robert J. Wicks

Psychologist and popular speaker Robert J. Wicks is the author of more than sixty books for individuals and professionals, including the bestselling Riding the Dragon. He speaks internationally about resilience, self-care, and the prevention of secondary stress to audiences from the US Congress to Walter Reed Army Hospital, from the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine to Harvard Children’s Hospital, and from the Princeton Theological Seminary to the NATO Intelligence Fusion Center in England. Some of Wicks’s presentations include speaking at the commemoration of the Boston Marathon Bombing at the Boston Public Library; a keynote for the American Medical Directors Association; a course in Beirut, Lebanon, for relief workers from Aleppo, Syria; and the psychological debriefing of relief workers evacuated from Rwanda during the genocide in 1994. He also regularly speaks at the Los Angeles Religious Education Congress. Wicks serves as a professor emeritus at Loyola University Maryland, and has taught in universities and professional schools of psychology, medicine, nursing, theology, education, and social work. He earned a doctorate in psychology from Hahnemann Medical College and Hospital and has received honorary degrees from Georgian Court, Caldwell, and Marywood universities. In 1996, Pope John Paul II awarded Wicks a papal medal for his service to the Catholic Church. He also received the first Alumni Award for Excellence in Professional Psychology from Widener University and the Humanitarian of the Year Award from the American Counseling Association’s Division on Spirituality, Ethics and Religious Values in Counseling.

Book preview

Contents

In that Place of Sanity: The Inner Life of the Counselor

Chapter 1: Creating Space Within

Authenticity and Transparency

Humility in Silence and Solitude

Chapter 2: Valuing and Accessing Alonetime

Alonetime

Recognizing, Honoring, and Appreciating More Fully the Spaces in Daily Life

Appreciating the Crumbs of Alonetime

What are Some of the Crumbs of Alonetime?

Chapter 3: Recognizing the Cues of Subtle Mindlessness

Appreciating Ways to be More Mindful So We Can More Easily Recognize When We are Not

Appreciating Life in the Slow Lane: Some Additional Insights From Psychologists, Spiritual Figures, Writers, and Poets

Recognizing the Fruits of Being Mindfully Centered

Guidelines for Inner Freedom

Chapter 4: Learning the Art of Leaning Back

The Capacity to be Alone: Recognizing We are Not Used to Silence, Much Less Solitude

The Psychological Capacity to be Alone

What Actually is True Awareness and Mindfulness?

Paying Attention Differently in Solitude

Releasing Previously Unaccounted-For Energy

Creating Familiar Places of Solitude

Simple Approaches to Formal Mindfulness Meditation

Including Everything

Going On Retreat: Periods of Dramatic Solitude

Chapter 5: Experiencing a New Type of Counselor Self-Nurturance

Counselor Self-Nurturance

Patience and Knowing How to Pace Yourself

Transparency

Openness to, and the Release of, the Chains of Your Hurts

Valuing Freshness and Feeding Inner Simplicity Through Greater Mindfulness

Helpful Personal Debriefing: Modeling Stillness When Confronted with Our Emotions and Immature Motivations

Employing Rituals of Inner Renewal

Wasting Less Energy On Being Judgmental

Having an Appreciation of Personal Gifts as Well as Related Growing Edges At Any Given Point

Seeing Unproductive Views and Behaviors for What They are and Addressing Them Accordingly

Being Continually Grateful for the Wonder, Awe, and Joy of Being a Counselor

Chapter 6: Alonetime as a University: Honoring the Wisdom of Mentors of Mindfulness

Commitment to Act

Why Seek Such a Psychologically Costly Relationship?

What are These People Like?

Offers Acceptance and Space to Those Seeking Their Assistance

Possess An Encouraging and Contagious Appeal

Exemplify Extraordinariness, Humility, and Practicality

Offers Perspective, Even in the Darkness

A Sense of Un-Self-Consciousness

Are you Able to be at Home in the Now?

Living With the Questions and Instilling Patience in Ourselves

Mentors of Mindfulness Also Don’t Get in the Way of What is Important

Mindful Openness and Effort: Guiding Lights to New Freedom

The Charism of the Guide

Practice, Practice, Practice

Appendix

A Brief Final Comment on a Counselor’s Inner Renewal in Alonetime

About the Author

Recommended Readings

References

Bibliography

Permissions

Acknowledgments

Author Index

Subject Index

Copyright © 2012 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.

Published simultaneously in Canada.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, [phone], fax [phone], or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, [phone], fax [phone].

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services. If legal, accounting, medical, psychological or any other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. In all instances where John Wiley & Sons, Inc. is aware of a claim, the product names appear in initial capital or all capital letters. Readers, however, should contact the appropriate companies for more complete information regarding trademarks and registration.

For general information on our other products and services please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at [phone], outside the United States at [phone] or fax [phone].

Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-ondemand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-on-demand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Wicks, Robert J.

The inner life of the counselor / Robert J. Wicks.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-118-19374-7 (hardback); ISBN 978-1-118-22762-6 (ebk)

ISBN 978-1-118-23340-5 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-26526-0 (ebk)

1. Mental health personnel—Life skills guides. 2. Mental health personnel—Job stress. 3. Mental health personnel and patient. I. Title.

RC440.8.W53 2012

616.89—dc23

2012008101

For Dan Boyd, Geraldine Fialkowski, Brendan Geary, Eugene Hasson, J. Shep Jeffreys, Michaele Kulick, John McLaughlin, Rick Parsons, and Tom Rodgerson. All consummate clinicians, wonderful human beings, and faithful friends

In That Place of Sanity: The Inner Life of the Counselor

A Brief Introduction

A psychiatrist’s wife once questioned him about the reason for his loyalty to his mentor, the Zen master, Shunryu Suzuki. She wondered why he was so faithful to the guidance he was receiving. He responded by saying, Where he is, is where I want to be, in that place of sanity (Chadwick, 1999, p. 313). The place he speaks about is where all counselors, therapists, and both professional and nonprofessional caregivers wish to be—not only for themselves, but also so they are able to invite others into this space.

In order for this to happen, as counselors¹ we must first take basic steps to encourage resiliency. This includes such activities as self-care, stress management, and those other elements that encourage continued personal growth and professional development. Yet, those who live rich lives as guides and caregivers have realized there is more to a counselor’s life than remaining resilient—as important as that is. There is the gestalt of the core elements responsible for the way through which all of the counselor’s daily and professional encounters are experienced—what we may call here the inner life, a place that should be explored and nourished through the understanding and practice of mindfulness.

How we encounter life, our life, as well as the intense experiences and needs of others, determines whether we will deepen, remain stagnant, or simply become disillusioned as persons and helpers. As I have maintained and noted elsewhere (The Resilient Clinician, Oxford University Press, 2008; and Riding the Dragon, Sorin Books, 2003), it is not the amount of darkness in the world that matters. It is not even the amount of darkness in ourselves that matters. Instead, in the end, it is how we stand in that very darkness that makes the ultimate difference in how peaceful, joyful, grateful, and satisfied we will be both professionally and personally in life.

In the last several years the topic of mindfulness has received expanded attention from us as counselors. In addition, over the past decade, the positive psychology movement fostered by Csikszentmihalyi (1990), Fredrickson (2002), Seligman (2002), and others has helped us see that we need to shift our angle of vision to help our clients (and ourselves, for that matter) to experience greater balance and fullness in life. However, long before these two psychological movements arrived on the scene, the wisdom literature of world spiritualities (albeit usually not always in an empirical way) was addressing the question of how we can live more meaningfully, mindfully, and fully.

In this book, with a focus specifically on the counselor, I wish to tap into some of this classical and contemporary spiritual and psychological wisdom to provide encouragement to professional helpers—in what I believe to be simple, profound ways—to take note of their lives more gently and clearly. The goal is to help them to:

Let go more readily of the nonessential or destructive.

Instill a greater sense of mindfulness.

Fully embrace through practice those elements that can enhance maintaining a healthier perspective—no matter what darkness is being faced in one’s clinical practice or personal life.

To encourage a lifelong journey steeped in this wisdom, a list of recommended readings and an opportunity to retreat and reflect on the thoughts of modern mentors of alonetime are also provided at the book’s conclusion.

Counseling is both a very challenging and rewarding way to live one’s life. (There may be equally meaningful ways to live but, to my mind, certainly none better.) And so, to strengthen the interior life of the counselor is not only a sensible act for helpers, but it is a true act of generosity for those they serve as well.

Each chapter is fairly brief by design. It can be read in the morning so as to be kept midbrain or centered in one’s heart as the day unfolds. It also can be pondered as part of the day’s review if evening is a better time. The importance is to take the renewal step of reading, reflecting on, and letting this information lead to healthy changes.

Life passes too quickly, so delaying the process of reflection encouraged in this book is dangerous. A spiritual leader once said that one of the most dangerous illusions is to believe you still have time. An Orthodox Jewish Rabbi (who is also a counselor) once led his congregation in reflection during Yom Kippur by handing out to each of those present a small piece of paper with the words It’s later than you think! on one side and the words It’s never too late! on the other. That captures the sentiment behind this book. Fortunately, you have time now if you take it now.

With this in mind, before you begin reading and reflecting on the following short essays on the inner life, let me set the stage for your encounter with the themes to follow by selecting a favorite quote of mine from the contemporary classic, Wherever You Go, There You Are, by Jon Kabat-Zinn (1994):

If what happens now does influence what happens next, then doesn’t it make sense to look around a bit from time to time so that you are more in touch with what is happening now, so that you can take your inner and outer bearings and perceive with clarity the path that you are actually on and the direction in which you are going? . . .

It is all too easy to remain on something of a fog-enshrouded, slippery slope right into our graves; or in the fog-dispelling clarity which on occasion precedes the moment of death, to wake up and realize that what we had thought all those years about how life was to be lived and what was important were at best unexamined half-truths based on fear or ignorance, only our own life-limiting ideas and not the truth or the way our life had to be at all.

No one else can do this job of waking up for us, although our family and friends do sometimes try desperately to get through to us, to help us see more clearly or break out of our own blindness. But waking up is ultimately something that each one of us can only do for ourselves. When it comes down to it, wherever you go, there you are. It’s your life that is unfolding. (pp. xvi, xvii)

As persons who provide clarity and encouragement as part of their professional identity, counselors should take this admonition as much, if not more, to heart given their work with others. Accordingly, The Inner Life of the Counselor will deal with a crucial topic for clinicians: their own sense of self and how they are (and are not) living a personally and professionally meaningful, mindful life. As Jon Kabat-Zinn points out, since it is your life, what can be more important than that?

AUTHOR’S NOTE

When people pick up a book on mindfulness or the inner life, they often do so hoping to receive guidance, find answers. But if the material provided is true to the topic, it will also serve to deepen the questions. My hope is that this book will help make this possible. On first blush, this may seem unsatisfactory because often a book like this is sought when one is tired, discouraged, maybe even disillusioned. Yet, paradoxically, these very questions and negatively labeled feelings have provided the motivation, the gates to going deeper.

With this in mind, at the end of each chapter (including this Introduction), a few questions will be offered for reflection during the day or at its end. In this way, the themes presented in the chapter can be made the counselor’s own by determining ways they are personally relevant. The questions are also offered to help stir up a personal inner dialogue about what has just been read and to prepare for what will be offered in the remainder of the book.

Inner freedom is not something you get through answers you receive. It is something you live. Like gratitude and humility, you can’t seek it directly, but you can seed the sources of it within you by examining and making your questions deeper and bigger, so that meaning—rather than the compulsive culture you are often surrounded with—silently suggests how your life might be lived and how you, in turn, can guide others in their journey.

Some Questions to Consider at This Point

As a counselor you lead a busy, challenging life. Because this is so, what allows you to become centered so a compassionate way of meeting clients, family, and friends can remain strong, fruitful, and instructive for you rather than being merely a source of depletion?

All counselors, whether they are secular or pastoral in their self-definition, seek meaning in both their personal and professional lives. How do you seek meaning in yours? What do you feel your mission is in counseling and your overall life? If you were to write a personal and professional mission statement, what essential elements would be in it?

¹I will use the generic term counselor to refer to all psychotherapists and caregivers—be they professional or not.

Chapter 1

Creating Space Within

In Ghana, a community of women have a saying written over the door to their residence, which states A house is made of stones but a home is built in the hearts of people. Welcome to our home. Reading these words and experiencing the smiles of greeting received when the door opens sets the stage for stress to be set aside