I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Written by Terrence Real

Narrated by Adam Verner

Each year, millions of men and women fall prey to depression. While the disorder has been called "psychiatry's most treatable condition," less than one in five get help. In recent years, the silence surrounding depression in women has begun to lift, but only now, with this powerful groundbreaking work, does psychotherapist Terrence Real expose a virtual epidemic of the disorder in men.

Twenty years of experience treating men and their families has convinced Real that there are two forms of depression: "overt" and "covert." Feeling the stigma of depression's "unmanliness," many men hide
their condition not only from family and friends but even from
themselves. Attempts to escape depression fuel many of the problems we think of as typically male—difficulty with intimacy, workaholism,
alcoholism, abusive behavior, and rage. By directing their pain outward, depressed men hurt the people they love, and, most tragically, pass their condition on to their children.

A master storyteller, Real mixes penetrating analysis with poignant, compelling tales of the men and women whom he treats. He writes with passion and searing clarity about his own experiences with depression, as the son of a depressed, violent father, and the father of two young sons.

Peggy Papp of the Ackerman Family Institute calls this book "a pathway out of the darkness." Real teaches us how men can unearth their pain, heal themselves, restore relationships, and break the legacy of abuse. I Don't Want to Talk About It
offers great wisdom, hope, and practical guidance to men and their families. This is one of the most important and straightforward books ever written about men.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tantor Media, Inc
• Release date: Dec 5, 2011
• ISBN: 9781452674957

Terrence Real

Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author. He founded the Relational Life Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals, and parents along with a professional training program for clinicians to learn his Relational Life Therapy methodology. He is the bestselling author of Us, How Can I Get Through to You?, and The New Rules of Marriage.

Reviews for I Don't Want to Talk About It

[Shane · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book really hit me. A number of chapters I found myself unable to continue to the next without a day or two. I was either really pissed or incredibly sad.
The author does a really great job with making this personal.

[Graeme Thompson · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Challenges the reader to examine ones own relationship with themselves and masculinity.

[Rick · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Insightful but author has some very liberal and woke ideas on how the world works. Cites Al Gore as an authority. Easy to disregard however.

[Steven · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A good approach for mental health. It provides a lot of good insight into why men are oftentimes, emotionally unavailable. I'm glad to have found it. Understanding the circumstances and accepting that talking it out with a professional is the best way to deal with depression.

I apologize how this may sound, for me, it did get a little repetitive the longer it went on. The author rehashed the same points childhood trauma follows into adulthood and manifests differently, girls are raised to be quiet and polite, boys are treated to assertive and loud, etc. It was common sense and I understood it the first time. Afterward, it became a mild nuisance. That's the only reason it's not a five-star review for me.

[Julie Brobst · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

It has a hole lot of great information and insights some above me but with help a great start for my recovery

[Jed Reisner · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

The best book I've read on understanding depression. Everyone should read this book.

[jazzmin52 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I was very lucky to win this book through the Early Reviewers program - lucky to win, luckier to win such a good book. Sarita Mandanna's writing is so self-assured I was really surprised that this is her first novel. The writing is beautifully descriptive - I was hooked from the beginning with a description of monkeys being driven down cliffs so the traders could follow the map of their stained feet to the ships below. Opening in 1878 in Coorg, India the book follows the lives of Devi and Devanna - inseparable childhood friends until another man enters the picture. I do not want to spoil the plot - suffice it to say that the book evolves into a saga of love, loss and how choices we make can echo through the generations. I love novels that transport me to another time and place, tell me a good story, teach me about another culture. Tiger Hills does this and I would recommend it to anyone who fells the same.

[Heidi · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

So much great REAL information!!! Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and spreading the word to stop the spread of abuse !!! Keep up the fabulous work!! Your definitely one of Gods blessings to everyone !! Your kids are the start of a new generation thanks to your determination.

[knittingmomof3 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I have been reading all the books I can get my hand son regarding depression and mood disorders and while not a man, I found the approach from the perspective of men to be quite insightful.

[glennbell_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I found the author to be insightful and helpful. I related to some of the childhood experiences. Reading this made me remember some of the pain in my past. I recommend this book freely to anyone interested in improving their relationships and demeanor.

[willszal-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Most men are depressed. Many of them don't even know it. Sexism and the Patrix are part of the problem. Talk about stuff! Tell your stories! Don't keep it in. Don't hide emotion.

Way back in July or something I listened to the audio edition of “I Don’t Want to Talk About It: The Hidden Legacy of Male Depression" - a book by psychotherapist Terrence Real, recommended to my by my friends Jorge and Dave.

He asserts, as I’ve long believed, that a majority of men in the US have depression. But unlike the overt depression we hear about that goes with suicide attempts and the like, Real proposes that most men have what he calls covert depression - a condition of which they’re not even aware, yet which can often manifest in addictive behavior and a general dissatisfaction with life/self.

Lately I’ve been thinking about myself, and the people around me, and have realized that addictive behavior is rampant in our culture. Almost anything can be used addictively - whether it be alcohol, TV, Facebook, athletics, or even spirituality and love. I list these examples because they’re forms of addiction which I’ve personally experienced or witnessed.

I was super into the book, and all the case studies. But I forgot to tell other people about because the book just peters out. The premise is bulletproof, but Real focuses more on the academic side of things that the DIY/handbook aspect of things - so I didn’t actually find the piece that helpful for identifying next steps for myself or those I support.

It got me asking the question again - why are most US americans [the community with which I’m most familiar] depressed and addicted? It brought me back to my sustainable living class with John Gerber at UMass Amherest. Gerber proposed that we’re more interconnected than we are separate. In other words, we can’t be healthy if our community or planet isn’t healthy. It’s a theme echoed by Charles Eisenstein.

I’d say that I’ve experienced this to be my truth as well. I do my best to take care of myself, but if I’m ever truly going to be healthy, the world’s going to need to be healthy as well. Maybe this is why Real didn’t address the bigger picture - it’s pretty daunting.

I have identified one leverage point for these issues: our culture prefers externally-derived self-esteem to internally-generated self-esteem. Until people make this personal shift, we’re going to keep being addicted - filling that hole with things that can’t fit.

[margaretpinardauthor · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Got this book to understand better the lives of screwed up males *ahem* but found it very interesting to read about the psychology of this guy. Wounds, duality, hidden depression, etc. Interesting.

[margaret.pinard · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Got this book to understand better the lives of screwed up males *ahem* but found it very interesting to read about the psychology of this guy. Wounds, duality, hidden depression, etc. Interesting.

[jerrycolonna · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I can't recommend this book highly enough. It's filled with insight and soul.
I was both educated and moved to tears. It helped me understand my own struggles with depression as well as those of my father.

[cyberlemur · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Nailed it. Spot on. Remarkable.