love without a plan
When I woke up on the morning of September 28, 2011, I had no idea that this would be my wedding day. John had been invited to a MacArthur Foundation event in Paris, an international mind-meld of twelve academics from different fields who all had something to contribute to the study of aging. The group included some of the world’s top public-health experts and psychologists—among them my fiancé, John Cacioppo, one of the founders of social neuroscience, most famous for his pioneering work revealing the mentally and physically damaging effects of loneliness. John was invited to discuss, among other things, how the elderly could protect themselves against the dangers of loneliness. At the time, he and I were several months into our long-distance love story and getting good at juggling business and pleasure.
I had taken the high-speed train from Geneva to Paris the previous afternoon. I tried to work on my laptop as the train sped through the Jura mountains and the vineyards of Burgundy, but I was too distracted by my anticipation. It was crushing to spend weeks away from him, but that bit about absence making the heart grow fonder? That’s not just a saying—it’s science.
In an interesting 2013 study, people in long-distance relationships were shown to have more meaningful interactions with each other—even though they could only communicate via text, phone, and video chat—compared to couples who saw each other every day. This, paradoxically, resulted in a deeper connection for the long-distance couples. Across social species, we see the power of distance to refresh relationships—even in elephants, who give each other more elaborate greetings after a prolonged absence.
Part of the reason is the social brain’s innate preference for novelty. Distance keeps us from taking a person for granted. Distance reminds us what we miss about our significant other. No wonder that parting is such sweet sorrow—and reuniting feels so good it hurts.
That day in Paris, John left the hotel early to meet up with the other conference attendees. After a long morning session, he took a break with his good friend, the Stanford psychologist Laura Carstensen. They had
