British Muslim man's search for wife casts spotlight on enduring appeal of arranged marriages in India and Pakistan

When Muhammad Malik, 29, a Muslim bachelor from a Pakistani Punjabi family in Britain, went in search of his future wife, he chose to put up huge billboard ads on the streets of Birmingham and London.

"Save me from an arranged marriage," read the ad, alongside a picture of a reclining, smiling Malik and a link to his website findmalikawife.com.

The adverts gained him publicity but also caught the attention of hundreds of women who got in touch following the stunt to register their interest.

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Muslim dating app Muzmatch has now revealed it was behind the publicity stunt and those who click on the website are directed to the dating app. Reactions have been mixed - some call it a great marketing campaign but others say it is unethical.

Either way, Malik's billboards show how traditional arranged marriages continue to appeal to South Asians, including the diaspora community. Many are reimagining the practice with a modern slant, given that arranged marriages remain by far the norm.

From Pakistan and Bangladesh to Sri Lanka and India, where arranged marriages account for an estimated 90 per cent of all matches, young bachelors and spinsters are trying their hands at finding a spouse for themselves - while also outsourcing the job to their parents as a way of keeping all their options open.

"Arranged marriages are misunderstood and demonised to mean marriages that are forced upon young people by parents, but the modern version of semi-arranged marriage is quite different," said Sheetal Chadha, a Delhi-based homemaker, whose two children had arranged marriages, but were given complete freedom to choose from their options.

"In a [semi-arranged marriage], parents are more facilitators than decision-makers, who help in finding prospective spouses for their children, depending on their likes and dislikes, and the children are given the ultimate power to decide."

The modern take on arranged marriages was put in focus recently by the Netflix show Indian Matchmaking, released in 2020.

It featured a globetrotting marriage broker, Sima Aunty, from Mumbai, trying to find a spouse for upmarket Indians in Mumbai and Delhi, and Indian Americans in the United States. While the show was accused of perpetuating discrimination based on colour, class and caste, it helped to negate some of the common stereotypes surrounding arranged marriages among Western audiences - in particular that any such marriage must be in some sense "forced".

"In India, we don't say arranged marriage. There is marriage and then there is love marriage. The marriages are between two families," Sima Aunty explained in the show, adding that children in India now had the freedom to choose.

Historically, arranged marriages arose from the need for families to consolidate assets and maintain status and strict caste lines. In India, the practice is thought to date back to the 4th century, and it has been an intrinsic part of the country's cultural fabric ever since. It was common for royal families to enlarge their empires by forging marital alliances.

"In ancient India, marriage was advocated to be a social obligation, rather than an individual's private pleasure," wrote psychologist Tulika Jaiswal in her book, Indian arranged marriages: a social psychological perspective.

Traditionally, a groom's appeal would lie in his employment prospects and his potential to provide financial stability; the bride's appeal lay in her looks, domestic skills and ability to fit into her marital home.

The idea was that the couple would start off as strangers but grow to love each other over the years.

In the past, arranged marriages have been seen as a business in India and have been criticised for perpetuating casteism, patriarchy and misogyny.

However, through the ages the practice has been modernised, at least in many urban areas where it is also common for millennials to experiment on dating sites before looking seriously for a marriage partner.

Today, arranged marriages are preferred by many young people who want to outsource the job of finding a spouse to people they trust, like their parents, and avoid the anxiety of finding a mate for themselves.

In a modern arranged marriage it is typical for families to prepare a bio-data sheet for the prospective bride or groom, including their vital statistics such as height, weight, education levels and a photo, and exchange these with other families.

While traditionally families have relied on matchmakers or relatives to do the searching, many today use internet marriage sites like Shaadi.com.

Reem Khokhar, 41, an independent journalist based in Delhi, met her husband through common friends when she was at university, and they dated for two years before they got married 14 years ago.

"What is important is that most people look for common backgrounds so that the families get along well and adjustment is easier. In that sense arranged marriages are not the villains they are made out to be, unless consent and choice is taken away by families, when it becomes problematic," Khokhar said.

"Many urban families have shifted to matrimonial websites or don't mind their children finding someone from a similar background through dating apps. They also get to know each other before committing. Of course there are no guarantees in either arranged or love marriages. It all depends on luck, compromise and working at your relationship over time."

Still, one reason for the practice's enduring appeal is its success: backers point out that worldwide the divorce rate for arranged marriages is 6.4 per cent. Only 1.1 per cent of marriages in India end in divorce, compared with slightly more than 45 per cent in the US, according to some statistics.

Critics say there are other, less palatable reasons for arranged marriages' continuing popularity.

Inter-caste and inter-religion marriages remain taboo in many communities and can cause rifts and even honour killings.

Most marriages are still arranged based on religion, caste, astrological birth charts, and social standing.

Newspapers still carry matrimonial advertisements asking for "homely, cultured, fair, domesticated brides".

Though the custom of dowry was banned in 1961, it goes on in other ways such as a bride's family gifting a home or a car to the groom.

Some young women say they feel commodified.

"If you are single over the age of 30 in India, you are made to feel inadequate ... [but] arranged marriage is highly transactional, and feels like a business negotiation with set terms and conditions, especially for girls," said Reshmi Sharma, 33, a media professional in Mumbai, who is single.

She is on dating apps but finds the men there are looking only for casual relationships and are not serious about commitment.

"The bottom line is that the whole conversation around marriage in India and some parts of Asia is toxic, as compared to the West, where my single friends are not made to feel this way by society or their parents," she said.

And while the practice may be modernising in urban areas, much of rural India remains wedded to a more traditional version. Brides are expected to adapt to the needs and culture of their husband's family and it is not uncommon for young people to feel forced into matches.

"Consent and agency in arranging a marriage are important, otherwise it will lead to domestic violence and abuse," said Sharmila Agarwal (not her real name), 35, who lives in Nagpur, India.

She was forced into an arranged marriage when she was 21, by parents who feared they were "growing old".

Said Agarwal: "I lived in an abusive marriage, serving my in-laws and my husband for many years until I had the courage to break away and live alone. I managed to find a job and was helped by friends. I was lucky."

This article originally appeared on the South China Morning Post (SCMP).

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